Author: Shelly

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Gratitude for YOU

To all my childless friends, thank you for being true to yourself. Thank you for being auntie to my kids. Thank you for reaching out and taking me to lunch or to tea so I can remember what it’s like to just be with women. Thank you for not judging me and my decision to have children. Thank you.

And to my friends who are currently childless but not by choice, thank you for your bravery. Thank you for trying and hoping and praying and accepting and grieving and through it all, still loving. Thank you for going through a fertility journey that I cannot fathom. Thank you for adopting. Thank you for waiting until you’ve met a partner that wants to go on the journey of parenthood with you, or not! Most of all, thank you for being my friend, even when it’s hard or you’re envious of what might seem like my “perfect” and “easy” life.

And to my single parent friends, thank you for reminding me how easy my life actually is, even when I feel like I couldn’t possibly cuddle, hold, or bathe another body, let alone fix another sandwich. Thank you for being Super Woman or Superman. Thank you for still texting and calling, even though I have absolutely no idea how incredibly busy your life is. And thank you for sharing your humanity with me. I am humbled and honored to know you.

And to all the dads out there, thank you. Thank you for being involved in your child’s life. Thank you for stepping up and providing for your kids financially. Thank you for every time you’ve roughhoused or run, or played a game. Thank you for teaching your son how to be a strong and vulnerable man. Thank you for protecting your daughters. Thank you for every single tear and every frustrated roar. Thank you for being you.

And to my friends who feed formula, use disposable diapers, have a house filled with plastic contraptions for your baby, or send your kids to daycare, I’m sorry. I’ve judged you and thought I was right. I’ve tried to urge you toward my own beliefs or practices. And now that I have a second child, I get it. Now that I’m working outside the home and juggling two kids, I understand that I was speaking from a place of ease and privilege. And I’m sorry.

Now I’m not saying that I won’t judge you again, or that I don’t hold on to some of my beliefs more strongly than others. But if that judgment or urging has hurt you or driven you away, I’m sincerely sorry for that. And just so you know, I am using disposables with my second child. There, I’ve admitted it. Please don’t bite my head off.

Yes it’s MUCH more expensive and… it takes less time. And right now as I juggle multiple jobs, motherhood, and starting a Montessori charter school, I need every second I can squeeze out of my day. I will pay extra for disposables that are plant based, because I can’t put a diaper on my child without knowing what’s inside it. But if you use a major brand of disposable diapers, I get it. You do what you can. It’s not worth fighting over. Let’s celebrate one another instead of judging so much.

What I most want is a world where our diversity is celebrated, rather than divisive. I want a world where we can all support one another, even when we disagree. No, I wouldn’t circumcise my child, and I do believe it’s a child’s right to choose whether he wants to be circumcised. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be your friend, just because you chose differently than I did.

Instead of making each other wrong, or thinking that everyone should choose the exact same life we’ve chosen, let’s appreciate each person’s individuality. Everyone has a path to walk, and we can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be in someone else’s reality. So instead of getting irate, let’s get compassionate. Instead of rolling our eyes and thinking, “How could they do that?!” let’s take a deep breath and remember, I would probably have chosen the same thing if I were in their shoes.

There’s one more group of people that I desperately want to acknowledge here. To the people of color in my world, I have no words. I’m sad and ashamed at how you’ve been treated throughout history, and especially how you’re still treated in “modern” society. I’m sorry that you can’t walk down the street safely or feel safe when a police officer approaches you. I’m sorry that people in stores watch to make sure you’re not stealing, even though I have probably shoplifted far more than you have (yes, I was young and dumb and I got away with it).

I want you to know that I appreciate your strength, but I wish you didn’t have to be so strong. I am so proud that we have our first black president, but so sad that it won’t erase racism in our country. When I look at you, I marvel at how absolutely beautiful your dark skin is and wish I had more people of color in my inner circle. I wish my daughter had more diversity in her classroom. I wish you could have the privilege that I have been born with and have taken for granted for my whole life. Mostly, I want to say thank you for existing and for fighting and loving and living despite all the hardships great and small that have befallen you. You are my hero.

All this is to say, I’m feeling especially grateful for all the amazing people in my life. You make my life so rich and beautiful. I don’t know what I’d do without you, but luckily, I don’t have to! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Love, Shelly

PS If you haven’t yet, go check out my friend Heather’s newest free offering of awesome online classes and speakers here.

PPS I also recently recorded a new free class with Heather that airs on this Friday! You can find it here.

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Happy Mother’s Day! A Video Interview with Dr. Laura Markham

I recorded this video a little bit over a year ago as a part of an online eCourse I was creating, but I never finished the course and I just can’t withhold this gem of an interview any longer. So, to celebrate Mother’s Day I wanted to share this wonderful interview with Dr. Laura Markham with you.

Dr. Laura is such a fantastic resource for families and I am so happy to share her with you! I hope you enjoy the interview and I would love to hear your feedback and/or comments, so please feel free to share your thoughts below. And have a wonderful Mother’s Day. You are a gift to your family, the world, and to me. And I’m so so grateful you’re here. Love and hugs, Shelly

Have a wonderful Mother’s Day! Big hugs and love, Shelly

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9 Gentle Parenting Hacks That Really Work

(I originally wrote this article for Lifehack.org)

Parenting in a gentle and respectful way is no easy task, especially when your child is ignoring you, refusing to cooperate, or outright defying your every request. Sometimes offering a bit more direction can be helpful, but other times, it seems no matter what you do, you end up locked in a power struggle, feeling frustrated, and wondering what you’re doing wrong. After all, they’re supposed to WANT to cooperate when we treat them with love and respect, right? If only it were that easy.

During my years as a preschool teacher and a nanny, my job depended on my ability to remain calm and garner cooperation. I simply couldn’t allow myself to yell, threaten, or physically harm the children in my care. So I was forced to find new and creative ways to deal with defiance that didn’t involve losing my temper and subsequently losing my job.

These simple gentle parenting hacks have REALLY paid off with my own child. Because even though I’m infinitely more sleep deprived and clearly no one can fire me from motherhood, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve that my daughter can hardly resist. I hesitate to call them “tricks,” because it’s not that I want to outsmart or psychologically manipulate my child into compliance. I simply want to get the day’s jobs accomplished with the least amount of resistance or conflict and the most possible fun, care, and connection. And I completely refuse to punish, threaten, or bribe my child unless I absolutely can’t come up with any more creative solutions.

So please take these suggestions in the spirit in which they’re offered. Not as a way to get what you want at the expense of your connection with your child, but as a way to help young people express their underlying needs and desires and still perform the daily tasks that are required of them, such as getting shoes on, getting into their car seat, getting dressed and the like.

OK, so here are my top 9 favorite tips, “tricks” and gentle parenting hacks to help your day with your young child go more smoothly:

1)   The Big Race—

Ready, set, go! Young people love to race and be timed to see how long it takes them to do a task they feel confident in. Proposing a race is a great way to get the job done quickly without a fuss because it meets a child’s needs for fun and play even while you’re enjoying the efficiency and speed with which they’ve completed your request. Counting aloud or using a stopwatch is the best way to remind a child that the race is on. But remember, this only works if it’s a fun game, not if it’s overused or used as a threat or a requirement to beat their former time.

2)   Surprise me!—

This one is working like a charm right now with my daughter. She loves to surprise one or both of us and also enjoys colluding with one parent to surprise the other, so if she’s resistant to a particular task I simply suggest that I would be VERY surprised if…and then I completely ignore her to give her a chance to complete the task at hand. I’m always sure to give a big reaction, “WHAT?!! You ALREADY brushed your teeth?? Wow!” to encourage a repeat performance at another time. This gives her the satisfaction of a job well done and she gets to impress us with her well-developed skills.

3)   Don’t you DARE—

When she’s really feeling defiant, I’ve found that it’s best to go with the defiance and figure out a way for her to do exactly what I want by completely defying what I’m saying. It’s clear to all involved that this is a game and my daughter delights in my protestations, “Oh no! Don’t do THAT! Rats! She’s doing it.” She especially loves the notion that by doing the given task, let’s say, getting her pajamas on quickly, she’s forcing me to do something I don’t want to do. “You’re going to MAKE me read stories, aren’t you? I was really hoping you’d dawdle so that I wouldn’t have to read tonight, but now you’re all ready and I’ll have to read. Awww.”

Children love to reverse roles once in a while so that they’re the more powerful ones, making us do tasks we don’t enjoy, rather than the reverse, which is more often the case. By giving your child this small joy, he can release his feelings of frustration and upset through laughter and connection much of the time. And personally, I much prefer holding space for laughter fits over tantrums.

4)   Show me. I’m not sure if you know how—

Young children love to prove their knowledge and prowess, so while you don’t want to minimize their abilities on a regular basis, some strategic questioning of their skills can produce immediate results. “Wait a minute, I’m not sure, do you even KNOW how to put on these shoes?” will often get a much more positive response than, “I know you know how to do that, why won’t you just cooperate?!” That’s because in the first instance, you’re playfully inviting your child to prove that they are capable, while in the second, you’re likely feeling frustrated and wishing there was some way to force them to your will.

5)   Will you be my helper?—

Similar to the above, children love to showcase their talents and especially enjoy teaching younger children recently acquired skills. “Will you please help your little sister learn to put her coat on all by herself? She doesn’t know how to do that yet,” will get far better results than a repeated request to get ready and get out the door. If this one doesn’t work right away, drop it and try something else.

6)   How many can you pick up?—

When asking a child to put away a large number of objects, say Legos, blocks, trains, stuffed animals or dinosaurs, it’s helpful to turn it into a fun game of counting as you place them into their bin or basket. Sometimes I’ll help, especially to get things started, but usually as soon as I get to 10 the children around me want to participate. I always end the clean up by announcing how many objects we picked up, “Wow! We cleaned up 37 dinosaurs! Who wants to put them back on the shelf?”

7)   Let’s pretend—

I don’t know very many kids who happily run out the door and jump into their car seats consistently, especially if they’re not excited about where they’re headed. But even this daily task can be turned into a fun game by pretending to be animals and running, jumping, hopping, skipping, flying, or slithering to the car. How would a cheetah get into a car? What sounds does an eagle make when it lands on its treetop nest? Can you reach your wing under the strap?

Engaging your child’s imagination in the midst of a mindless and required daily task can make life more fun and interesting for both you and your child. Before you know it, you’ll be on the road discussing herbivores and carnivores, making animal noises, or talking in funny accents. Now doesn’t that sound like a lot more fun that listening to a screaming kid who you’ve just physically forced into his car seat.

8)   I forget—

“Wait a minute, I forget, where does the dirty laundry go? I can’t remember, what am I supposed to do after I go to the bathroom? Wait a second; is there some sort of utensil I should use to eat my yogurt? Weren’t we going to do something before dinner tonight?”

If your child needs gentle reminders of the rules of the house or the next task on the agenda, pretending to forget so that they can remind you is a great way to help kids feel knowledgeable and responsible. This helps children take ownership of the rules and feel good about remembering. On the other hand, if we continually point out the times when our kids have forgotten the rules, they end up feeling badly and are actually discouraged from taking on more responsibility. Also, when we just repeat the rules to them over and over again, they have no reason to try to remember, they figure we’ll just tell them six times again tomorrow, so instead of repeating yourself, ask your child to remember and everyone will benefit.

If this one doesn’t seem to be working right away, get goofy with it. “Do the dirty socks go on my head? No, that doesn’t seem right. Do they go in the dishwasher? Hmmm. No, I don’t think so. Maybe I should put them on the baby?” Tickling your child’s funny bone is one of the quickest ways to garner their cooperation. It lightens the mood, brings in an element of play, and helps them remember why they like spending time with you. Fun is almost always the perfect antidote to defiance.

9)   Oh come on, you can scream louder than that!—

This one I can’t take credit for. But the other day my step-dad told me that just as a child he was with was about to lose it and throw a major tantrum over leaving the park, he simply challenged the child to take it up a notch. “You can do better than that,” he quipped, and the child instantly stopped screaming.

I think this works because instead of resisting the tantrum, we’re actually inviting it. And since the child’s normal expectation is that we’ll resist their protestations, we’ve confused them by eliminating all resistance and instead challenging them to be even more outrageous. This is peculiar and interesting to a child who is experimenting with emotional manipulation and trying to see what he can do to change the situation to her advantage.

Have you ever heard the phrase, “What we resist persists”? I’ve found it to be one of the most universal truths of life. So, by inviting, rather than resisting, we can take the steam out of a tantrum before it starts. And, if a child really does need to express his upset and we’re in a ‘bring it on’ kind of a mood, we’re much better equipped to actually hold space for the tantrum if indeed it ensues.

I’ve found that bringing this attitude to a potential tantrum shortens its length and creates connection. Because when I encourage my child to let out her rage, she feels emotionally validated and she’s able to physically release her “negative” emotions in a healthy way and in a supportive environment. Sometimes I’ll encourage her to hit the bed or roar like a lion but usually these outbursts only last a few minutes if I’m really inviting and encouraging, rather than resisting.

So these are my top 9 favorite ways to encourage cooperation without punishments, threats or bribes. I would love to know if they work for you as well as they do for me! Have a wonderful week, Shelly

 

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What Not to Say to Someone Who Has Experienced a Loss

It’s hard to know what to say to someone who is mourning a loss, but there are several things that we’d all very much appreciate if you’d remove from your “comforting words” list.

1)   “Well, it could be worse. At least you weren’t farther along, I have a friend/sister/cousin who…” (insert a story of horrific loss here)

I can’t tell you how many well meaning friends messed this one up, but I’m pretty sure that anyone who has experienced a loss is well aware of all the even worse things that could happen.

Trust me, when we discovered we had miscarried at 13 weeks, I thought a lot about everyone I know who had lost a child at any age. I thought about all the many things that could still go wrong, even when we tried again. I thought about genetic abnormalities, missing body parts, another miscarriage, or worse. In fact, I’m now 22 weeks pregnant, and I still check for blood every single time I use the bathroom.

It’s not like I needed any reminders that a future ultrasound could reveal problems or that stillbirth and SIDS are real. For a while I couldn’t stop thinking about the friends I know who have had second trimester miscarriages, or the mothers who have lost their live children in infancy, or early childhood. And then there are the parents spending the night in the hospital praying for the cancer to die and for their sweet child to survive. I thought about drunk drivers and airplane crashes, chemical spills, bombs, cancer, and my aging parents… all of it.

Maybe I tend to obsess over the negative, but I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. And when I’m already freaking out about how unfair life is, that is not a good time to tell me a story about something even worse. What I need in that moment is a reminder that I’ll get through this and that there are beautiful things to focus on too, when I’m ready.

2)   “I know exactly how you feel.”

Excuse me, but I’m a unique individual with my own fears, thoughts, and experiences. No matter how similar our situations might be, it’s practically impossible for you to know “exactly” how I feel. And even if it were possible, I think the sentiment you’re trying to get across here is, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Instead, by assuming you understand what I’m going through, you’re actually minimizing my experience and generalizing it to a whole group of other people who’ve gone through a “similar” loss.

Yes, it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone in my grief. But your loss is not equivalent to mine and pretending they’re the same doesn’t help me process my grief. What I’d really appreciate instead is if you could share your own personal story and then offer me empathy and understanding through curiosity and openness. Please listen to me, instead of telling me how I feel.

3)   “You’re feeling better now, right?”

Grief is a very personal process. You have no idea what baggage I might be carrying around from my past. Or what other losses I’ve suffered. And since each person process grief in their own way and over their own time period, there are really no rules about how long it should take. Rushing someone through the process (if that were even possible) is not helpful. Instead, just let me know that you’re there for me if I need to talk and suggest something we could do together. Also, please get comfortable with my tears. There’s nothing worse than mourning a loss with a person who is squeamish about a few tears.

4)   “I’m sure nothing like that will ever happen to you again.”

I’m sorry, but even you can’t predict the future. As much as this is meant to be reassuring, it just doesn’t ring true. We are all human and that means we’ll all have to experience some grief and loss in our lifetimes. We lose people we care about. That’s a part of life. It’s certainly not the fun part, but it is a necessary part. We form bonds and they are broken through a variety of circumstances.

I think that experiencing a loss can actually help us though. By recognizing how precious and fragile life can be, perhaps we can be more present and appreciative of the amazing lives we get to lead. Maybe we can actually stop to smell a flower, instead of rushing by as if we’ll have all the chances we’d ever want to smell that rose, or appreciate that sunset, or tell our loved ones how deeply we care about them.

5)   “I’m worried that something like that will happen to you again.”

Again, as true as this might be, it’s not something you need to share with the person who is going through the grieving process.  Talk to your other friends about your worries or concerns, but please allow me to slowly rebuild my trust in a benevolent universe, instead of burdening me with your concerns.

6)   “Call me if you need anything.”

This goes into it’s own special category with statements like, “What can I do to help?” and “Is there anything I can do?” The truth is, there’s nothing you can do to take away the pain I’m experiencing. Sure, I appreciate the thought, but asking me to reach out in the midst of my sorrow or requesting a list of actions you can take that will “make me feel better” is just more work for me. And right now, I can’t do any work. Sure, stop by with a hug or a gift or send me a sweet text or heartfelt message, but don’t ask me to devise a way for you to help. I’m pretty sure you can figure that out for yourself.

So what CAN you say to someone who is grieving?

Here are 6 wonderful things to say to someone who has experienced a loss:

1)   “I love you.”

2)   “Would you like a hug?”

3)   “It’s OK to cry…a LOT.”

4)   “I’m so sorry for your loss”

5)   “I’m bringing you take-out tonight, what do you want for dinner?”

6)   “I’m here for you. Do you want to talk about it?” (then, just listen with an open heart)

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5 Ways Bringing Montessori Home Makes Life Easier

There are lots of reasons why I love Montessori education. It’s respectful, holistic, intellectually and socially stimulating, and child-directed. But one of my favorite things about Montessori is how much easier it is to be an adult spending time with children in a Montessori environment than it is in most any other environment. Here are the top five reasons why bringing Montessori philosophies into your home will make your life much easier.

1)   Cooperation and community mindedness are built in

In the Montessori classroom the children are a community. Everyone works together to keep the environment clean and organized. That means that when someone accidentally spills hundreds of tiny beads all over the floor, all the children in the immediate area gather around and help clean up the mess. Each child is also responsible for cleaning up his or her individual work before choosing a new activity.

By bringing these simple rules and philosophies into your home, you’ll help your child experience consistency, learn responsibility, and best of all, your floor won’t be completely covered with 25 different toys at a time.

Instead, your child will learn to get one or two items out at a time and then joyfully put his work away before getting out something else. Establishing these rules does take a little bit of extra work for you at the beginning, but once your kids are in the groove, it won’t take much effort from you to keep the toys off the floor and on the shelf where they belong (note: you do have to provide the shelf).

2)   Cleaning and cooking skills develop early

Children also learn to sweep, dust, mop, wash a table, and use a sponge at Montessori school.  They also learn to pour, use tongs, cut vegetables, peel an egg, and much more. These skills easily translate to home, all you need to do is invite your child to participate in household tasks and before you know it, you’ll have an awesome little helper on your hands.

Child sized cooking and cleaning tools help kids engage in these tasks easily. And as long as you’re modeling joyful cleaning and cooking yourself, your kids will happily join in the fun. We have a child-sized duster that gets tons of use at our house.

3)   Self directed play and learning give you a breather

One of my favorite things about Montessori education is its emphasis on self directed, individual work. By providing a shelf full of choices and a rug or table to contain her work, my daughter will happily choose activities and play independently for hours a day.

Yes, some kids will have more or less success with independent play. There is definitely a personality aspect to attention span and willingness to explore the environment alone, but these skills can always be developed further through practice. And wouldn’t it be nice to be able to sit back and read a novel while your child occupies himself?

4)   Care of the self is commonplace

Young children love to develop skills that allow them to be more autonomous and independent, especially when it comes to self-care like washing, brushing, dressing, and using the toilet. Montessori practices encourage these efforts by providing low mirrors, child sized tools, stools, hooks, and other aids to help children become successful at these important tasks as early as possible.

That frees you up to focus on other things while giving your child a healthy sense of accomplishment. So, instead of washing your child’s face, give her a cloth and ask her to go look in the mirror and wash her own face. Encourage your toddler to learn to undress and your older child to dress himself. Some of these tasks may be challenging at first, but overcoming challenge is an incredibly useful skill for kids. And just imagine how much time and effort you’ll save when your child consistently puts on her own shoes and coat!

5)   Peace education promotes harmony

Peace education is an important part of the Montessori philosophy. Maria Montessori worked tirelessly for world peace in her lifetime. By introducing the concepts of peace, effective conflict resolution, and empathy for others, children build social and emotional skills that will benefit them for their entire lives.

By bringing these ideas home, you can encourage sibling harmony, inner peace, and practices that will promote a peaceful home. For instance, there is no yelling in the Montessori classroom, instead, teachers approach children individually to remind them to use a quiet voice. This promotes a peaceful environment that is more conducive to learning and concentration.

Most classrooms also have a peace table, peace rug, or other such space specifically designated for meditation, conflict resolution, and other peaceful activities. At our house, we have a lavender filled eye pillow that is our “peace pillow.” If one of us feels agitated, we lie down, put the eye pillow over our eyes, and breathe deeply as we relax. By modeling this practice for my daughter, I’m teaching her useful emotion regulation skills by modeling a healthy response to stress.

All five of these Montessori ideas will bring more peace, ease, and cooperation to your home. I would love to hear whether you use any of these practices in your home and what benefits you’ve noticed.

Have a wonderful week!

 

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