Shelly – Page 30 – Awake Parent

August 3, 2011March 14, 2012

Why rough housing is good for kids

I get a lot of questions from concerned parents about rough housing, wrestling, and other physical play. Dads want to know if it’s OK to wrestle with their kids, and moms are concerned that somebody will inevitably get hurt. Often it seems that physical play of this sort does end with the younger or smaller child in tears. But as I was doing research for my thesis in 2007 I ran across some studies that changed my mind about so called “rough housing.”

One study in particular stands out in my mind. It was conducted on a playground where researchers observed boys playing a tackling game. Researchers thought that they would find the game to be violent and detrimental to kids, but they actually found just the opposite. They observed that in playing this seemingly violent game, rarely did anyone get hurt, and when someone did get hurt, the other boys reacted with caring and compassion toward their fallen playmate.

And, after failing to find what they were looking for, the researchers changed their tack and began to look for behaviors that showed kindness and caring, such as a pat on the back, a hug, or helping one another get up. They quickly realized that the vast majority of the interactions between the kids on the playground were those kind and caring gestures!

In fact, they further realized that it was because of the seemingly violent nature of the tackling game that kids were given more opportunities to offer a helping hand or a hug than they would have otherwise. So that’s when I realized, that with some clear ground rules, wrestling between kids or between kids and adults could actually be a really joyful and beneficial activity for everyone involved.

So the next time your child runs to you crying, “My brother hurt me!” you can see it as an opportunity to nurture and comfort your child (which builds your connection) AND as an opportunity to show an older child how to take even better care of his younger sibling (which will build their connection).

Now, I’m not recommending that you force your older child to offer disingenuous nurturing, rather, that you model for your children how to care for one another. I also think it’s useful to keep in mind that there have likely been lots of other moments when the older sibling did take care of the younger one, that you might not have seen. Of course, the opposite can also be true.

So, if you’re not sure what’s really going on between your kids, take some time to observe them together and keep a tally for yourself. How many times did they touch or hug in a loving way? How many times did they touch in a hurtful way? What was your favorite moment? Why? What kinds of things did they say to each other? Ideally, you would tuck yourself away in a corner and seem to ignore them, so that they can play normally, forgetting that you’re even in the room.

But do be careful not to allow your preconceived notions or biases to show up in your observations. An observation should be completely neutral and without judgment, such as “Carl jumped on the bed and Henrietta fell off,” rather than “Carl viciously knocked Henrietta off the bed.”

I mentioned ground rules earlier and here are the ones I like for wrestling and rough housing at my house:

1) We stop if someone gets hurt and help them

2) We stop when someone says stop

3) We only use our bodies and pillows (no hard objects)

4) We stay on the carpet or bed

I’m so curious, have you found rough housing to be a connecting activity at your house? What are your ground rules? Please share your wisdom with us!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

July 27, 2011March 8, 2012

Sleep more, learn more

Wow, this week has been all about sleep research. I’ve been reading “Nurture Shock” by Po Bronson & Ashley Marryman and whoa, the new sleep research is startling! I also watched a Nova special on sleep, and then last night my husband and I watched an episode of Star Trek Next Generation where the whole crew suffers from sleep deprivation due to lack of REM sleep.

It’s all pretty interesting stuff, so here’s what I’ve learned so far…

1) We dream in all stages of sleep, not just REM sleep and scientists think that REM sleep dreams are specifically designed as practice to help us figure out how to handle emotionally difficult situations.

2) Children today get an hour less sleep per night than children did just 30 years ago.

3) Just 15 min. of extra sleep at night has been shown to give kids higher cognitive functioning, better test scores and better grades in school.

4) A LOT of the symptoms of both ADHD and clinical depression are identical to symptoms of long-term sleep deprivation.

5) A lack of sleep causes chemical changes in the body that may be the underlying cause of the obesity epidemic here in the US.

6) Sleep is crucial to learning and if allowed to sleep in between lessons, subjects show marked improvements in newly learned skills.

7) While adults only spend 4% of sleep in the slow wave stage of sleep, Children spend almost 40% of their sleep there.

Clearly, there’s a LOT going on regarding sleep and the optimal functioning of our amazing brain. From our own experiences we know that sleep is crucial to learning. Haven’t you ever learned something new and then gone to sleep and dreamed about it all night long? Well, the research bears out this intuitive knowledge that sleep is crucial to learning.

So, why are kids getting less sleep? Well, I have some theories. First, screen time and bright lights at night have been shown to disrupt our circadian rhythms, so kids are having a harder time falling asleep because they’ve recently been exposed to bright lights or screens. And then there’s the fact that so many working parents are working such long hours that they barely get to see their kids in the evening. So parents are keeping their kids up later so that they can have some time together during the week. And children don’t seem to be complaining. Obviously they will try to stay up as late as we will let them, not realizing the long-term consequences of sleep deprivation.

So, as conscious, aware parents, we have got to put our children’s long-term health and well-being above our momentary desire for fifteen more minutes with them at the end of a long day. Now that we have this new, proven knowledge of the importance of sleep, it’s our job to take action.

We need to reclaim the “lost hour” and boy will we be glad when we have. After taking a good hard look at the research, I’m convinced that by putting sleep first, we’ll all end up with happier, more focused, higher functioning, and better adjusted kids. And what could possibly be more important than that?

Have a restful week, Shelly

July 20, 2011March 8, 2012

Nursing, co-sleeping, and having great sex

I’ve been reading a bunch of stuff online lately about nursing and co-sleeping becoming a wedge between parents and negatively affecting their sex lives. Sure, sleeping with a baby causes us to change the timing and sometimes the location of sex, but my husband and I have found a great way to keep romance alive while I’m nursing and co-sleeping with our daughter. We like to call it “date nap”.

I had thought that my daughter would be a more sound sleeper than she is. Both her father and I LOVE to sleep, but she seems more worried about missing out on things than concerned about her beauty sleep and she tends to awaken at least once and sometimes several times in the evening. Since I often nurse her back to sleep at that time, having a date night and leaving her with a sitter, hasn’t been an option that I’m willing to try.

Honestly, these days I’d really rather be home with my daughter than out on the town, but skipping date night all together sounds like a recipe for disaster in our marriage. We absolutely love spending time just the two of us. So, we came up with a solution that works well for us- date nap. Whether it’s during the day on the weekend or in the evening after she’s in bed, my husband and I watch movies, soak in the hot tub, talk, and have sex, while our daughter peacefully sleeps.

I can see how this would become even more challenging if we had an older child who was no longer napping, but I still think that if we prioritize our romantic relationships, we can enjoy thriving sex lives AND raise confident, self-assured, well attached kids. That is to say, I can continue to nurse on demand and co-sleep with my daughter without jeopardizing my marriage.

In fact, my husband is just as committed to our nursing and to everyone getting the best possible sleep as I am. So he’s willing to get creative about our love life in order to ensure the best start for our daughter. If I’m honest, I think he actually enjoys the fact that we have to sneak around and sometimes end up in unusual locations. It’s always a good idea to change things up once in a while, we wouldn’t want to get into a rut!

So this week, take stock, is your sex life suffering because of your commitment to your kids? If so, is there a way you can integrate great sex back into your life even while you remain true to your parenting values? I would love to hear what you think about “date nap” and would enjoy any other suggestions you have for keeping your sex life alive and vibrant while raising kids. Please leave me a comment.

Have a wonderful, sensual, fun, and connected week, Shelly

P.S. If you’re in the SF Bay area (or are willing to travel there), my friends Erwan and Alecia have a fantastic live course called the Pleasure Course that will completely transform your sex life and help you experience more connection and pleasure than you ever knew was possible. Seriously, these guys are the real deal.

July 13, 2011March 19, 2012

It’s OK to cry

“Dagny III” by Christee Cook

Have you ever noticed that when a child cries, often the first things out of our mouths are things like, “You’re OK” (minimizing their experience) or “Oh no! Don’t cry!” (asking them to deny their experience) or even, “What’s wrong?!” (asking them to think about and describe the upsetting event).

None of these acknowledge the child’s feelings or provide an open, loving environment in which a child can fully feel and express his emotions. I know, it’s an unconscious reaction we have all had at one time or another, but this week it’s time to shine the light of awareness on the way we speak to an upset child.

So, if we could choose exactly how to respond, how would we? We might say something like, “I see you’re upset, do you need a hug?” or “Wow, that was really scary, wasn’t it?” or one of my personal favorites, “It’s OK to cry.” We might even choose just to sit with them and witness their emotional expression.

I especially wish more boys were told that it’s OK to cry, because after all, it really is OK! In fact, people who are in touch with and at peace with their emotions will fare better in life than those who deny or stuff their emotions.

Studies have shown that holding in emotions like anger, frustration, and resentment, can have long term negative effects on heart health. So, by encouraging kids to acknowledge and express their emotions, we’re helping to ensure a long and healthy life for them both physically and emotionally.

On the other hand, it can be uncomfortable for us to listen to a child who’s crying, wailing, or raging. But I think that’s because we all have our own withheld emotions that we’re fighting to keep hidden. If we felt free to express our emotions as they came up in the moment, we might not feel quite so uncomfortable when our children cry or scream. I’ve certainly found this to be the case in my own life.

For a long time I was uncomfortable with sadness. I didn’t acknowledge my own, and I definitely didn’t want to be around others who were upset. I did everything I could to soothe, redirect, or even ignore any sadness that I came into contact with. And then something shifted for me.

I was hanging out with some close friends of mine, and one of our friends just started to cry. I was a little bit uncomfortable, but I was more fascinated with how unashamed she seemed about her sadness. Pretty soon the crying turned into wailing and I realized that except in movies, I had never actually seen anyone wail! I was moved to tears myself and I came away from the experience realizing that expressing sadness could be deeply moving and beautiful.

I’ll never forget how my friend looked afterward. She was so open, beautiful, free, and light. I had never seen her look so gorgeous and so at peace. So I decided that sadness wasn’t actually something to be avoided at all costs. I realized that in fact, crying could be a relief and a release. And I began to allow my own tears to flow more freely.

I like to imagine my emotions like a big pipeline. When I was holding them in, my pipe was clogged and just a trickle of emotions was getting through. But after practicing to express and celebrate my emotions as they arise, I’ve opened up my pipeline and now all my emotions can travel through it with ease. Now I feel everything with more intensity and I love it!

I am able to cry in an instant, if I’m moved to, but I can also laugh more authentically and have even experienced tears of joy (which I used to think was a bunch of hooey).

Wouldn’t it be amazing if our children never had to go through the process of suppressing their emotions and then rediscovering them? What if they could feel and express their feelings without interruption for their entire lives? I sure hope for that for my daughter.

So this week, pay special attention to how you automatically respond when a child is upset. Then make a conscious choice about how you WANT to respond and practice it. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences, so please leave me a comment below.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

P.S. If this topic is dear to your heart, check out my audio program Perspectives on Feelings for a more in depth discussion of holding space for big emotions.

July 6, 2011July 6, 2011

Make your life easier, give kids their own drawer

When our daughter started to crawl we did what most parents do, we dashed around the house “baby proofing” everything in sight. We moved dangerous things up or to cabinets that could be locked or secured. I installed latches on cabinets containing cleaning products. But as I looked around our home and imagined putting latches on every cabinet and drawer in the house, I got overwhelmed.

And then it hit me; maybe I didn’t actually have to install all those latches! Of course, I realize that I might need to add a few as my daughter grows and gets into things more, but I came up with a solution that is working well and has caused the least work for everyone. I gave my daughter her very own drawer.

As soon as she opened the bottom drawer in the kitchen for the very first time, I grabbed a bag, threw its original contents inside, and then tossed a few of her toys in the drawer. I included some kitchen items like a metal spoon, a set of measuring spoons, and a plastic cup. And voila! She took to it like a bee to honey.

Now, whenever I’m cooking or we’re hanging out in the kitchen, she crawls right over, opens up her drawer and plays with her “kitchen toys.” She hardly even seems to notice that there are other cabinets and drawers nearby!

But I didn’t stop there, I gave her a drawer in the master bathroom and she occupies herself masterfully while my husband and I take our morning showers.

We have also designated the bottom two shelves of the living room bookcase to the little one, and in true Montessori form, I leave new and exciting toys on those shelves to encourage her exploration. She even has two shelves in my office that will have her “work” on them for years to come.

Sure, we also have a basket of toys in the kitchen, living room, and her bedroom too. But she seems to enjoy her drawers even more, and I don’t have to look at the stuff inside when she’s finished, I just close the drawer! Of course, the next step will be to teach her to close the drawers herself. And after that, we’ll begin putting toys into the drawer and closing it when we’re about to leave the room.

If you have an older child who doesn’t yet have any designated kid’s activity areas in the common rooms, I highly recommend you clear some space for your younger family members. Then, stock their shelves and drawers with interesting activities that you’ll rotate when they lose their appeal. And if you also provide a rug and/or a child sized desk or table that they can work at, you’ll be helping your child set up great work habits and helping yourself get some peace and quiet. Because, when kids know where to look for an activity that they can explore on their own, they’ll go back to it again and again, and you’ll actually get some adult work done!

I would love to hear about your own solutions to support your child’s freedom and independence at home. Please leave me a comment!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly