Author: Shelly

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Preventing toddler tantrums

When a toddler wants something, it’s crystal clear.  They yell, scream, fuss, throw their bodies around, grab, and then when they get the object of their desire, it’s as if none of that just happened.  They’re instantly content, but you know it’s temporary.  Soon, they’ll want something else, and eventually it will be something that you can’t give them.

So what’s the best way to handle a toddler’s tantrums?  One of my favorite tools for helping to calm infants is “The Happiest Baby on the Block” DVD by Dr. Harvey Karp.  There’s a book by the same title as well.  And apparently Dr. Karp had lots of parents asking him about how to handle toddler tantrums too, so he wrote a companion book and created another DVD called “The Happiest Toddler on the Block.”  It’s great stuff.

But just in case you don’t have time to read the book and watch the DVD yourself, I’ll give you an overview of his tips and techniques to reduce the frequency, length, and intensity of tantrums.

The first concept he introduces is the idea that toddlers are like little cave-people.  I really like this idea because it helps us understand who we’re really dealing with.  Toddlers are opinionated and very clear about their desires, but their command of language is still quite limited, especially when they’re upset.  They do a lot of gesturing, grunting, and making noises to get their point across, just like a Neanderthal might have.   In general they’re uncivilized, and that’s part of their appeal.  They are not little adults, they’re beings all their own.

That’s why reasoning with toddlers rarely works well.  They don’t understand your long, complex sentences and three syllable words, at least not while they’re freaking out.  So, seeing your little one as a mini cave-man, can help you figure out why the next tip is so important.

Learning to speak “toddler-ese” is the best way to help your little one know that you understand what she’s going through.  And as I’ve said many times before, empathy is often the best way to handle most tantrums.  When children feel heard and understood, they relax and become more cooperative.  So how can we help toddlers feel heard and understood?  We have to learn to speak their language.

Dr. Karp says that the most important elements to “toddler-ese” are matching intensity, keeping our phrases short, and using lots of repetition.  Listen to your toddler when she’s trying to express a desire and you’re likely to see her pointing, grunting, “Uh, uh, uh!” and repeating what she wants “Up!  Up!  Up, Mama!”

So, let’s say you’re not able to pick your sweet toddler up because your arms are full of groceries.  But you’re feeling worried, because you can see a tantrum about to come on.  Rather than ignoring or reasoning, try saying something like, “Riley!  You want up, up up!  You want mama to pick you up, up up!”  Be sure to match your child’s level of intensity.  Then, watch your child as you empathize with her in her language.   You’re likely to see her relax and become fascinated with you.  At that point, you can explain the predicament, “Honey, I want to pick you up, but my arms are full of groceries, can you wait one minute please?”

There are lots of other great tips and tricks in Karp’s books and DVDs but these are the ones that jumped out the most and that I thought would be most helpful to share.  I hope you’ll have a wonderful week and as always, I would love to hear about your own experiences with these ideas.

Warm hugs, Shelly

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The Magic of Family Meetings

We have work meetings, book club meetings, non-profit organization meetings, and yet very few families have family meetings.  However, in my parenting coaching, and especially with families of children ages 3-17, family meetings are one of the best ways I’ve found to help families get on the same page, air their dirty laundry, establish rules and expectations, and move from tension back to joy and playfulness.

But there are some definite dos and don’ts when it comes to creating a family meeting that works well and is sustainable.  Here are my tips for family meetings that will help you re-connect and get down to business.

1)     Keep it short- The younger your children are, the shorter your meeting should be.  For children under 5, try to keep it to 20 minutes tops.  As your children grow and mature, meetings will get slightly longer, but nobody wants to sit in a meeting for longer than an hour, so try to prioritize and keep your commentary to a minimum.

2)    The fun sandwich- If you want your kids to love family meetings, then be sure there’s something they really like at the beginning and at the end.  You could do a round of appreciations at the beginning and pizza and a movie afterward, or you might try an empathy game at the beginning and a game of basketball at the end.  Or, perhaps you’ll start with a group hug and end by planning the next family vacation.

3)    Grievances, chores, and other business in the middle- keep this part short too, but this is the meat of the family meeting where you’ll really make progress toward a mutual understanding of what your family’s rules, chores, and goals are.  Sometimes it helps to have a poster board, white board, or other visual representation of what you’re discussing.

4)   Play “Yes, And”- If you’d like the input of every family member as you create a new chore structure, plan a vacation, or figure out how to work some fun into your busy lives, try playing “Yes, And” It’s a simple game in which you first set up the task and then take turns making contributions.  The rule is that you cannot argue against anyone’s contribution, you can only add your own by enthusiastically saying, “YES!  And…”  So you might start by saying something like, “Let’s imagine the best Saturday afternoon ever” and then each person takes a turn sharing something they’d enjoy doing on an imaginary Saturday.  The idea is to get excited, use your imagination and practice being a yes to one another’s ideas.  Then, after the game, you can agree on an actual plan for the day.

5)    Chore wheel- A chore wheel is a fun way to establish who will do what and then you can easily trade chores every week or month.  It does take a little bit of preparation before the meeting, but you’ll be amazed how something as simple as an engaging and visual reminder will help the young people in your life complete their chores on time.

So, those are my tips for a successful and sustainable family meeting.  I would love to hear about your experiences with meetings in the past and/or how these tips work for you.

Have a fabulous week, Shelly

 

 

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Attune to your child…some of the time

Attunement:  it’s a word that gets thrown around a lot in the world of parenting and psychology, but what does attunement really mean?  Attunement is an innate ability that almost all humans have to internally and externally match the experience of another person with whom they’re connecting.  When we see someone crying, we easily and naturally feel sadness ourselves.  When we are with someone who just found out that they won a big contest, we feel excitement too.

But attunement is not simply empathy for another person’s emotional experience.  It’s an energetic matching game.  We may feel the sadness, but we’re not really attuning unless we’re matching the physical and non-physical energy of the person we’re with.  Attunement is the ultimate connection.  It’s a joining and sharing of an experience, an experience of oneness.

I often feel this oneness while nursing my daughter or in playful moments when she’s on the changing table or when we’re rocking in the rocking chair and she relaxes, resting her whole body against mine.  Connection through attunement is incredibly important for secure attachment to happen.  And, the oneness can’t happen all the time.  In fact, it would feel awfully strange to even attempt to experience attunement for an entire day.

We need connection, and we need separation too.  In fact, it’s the dance between connection and separation that makes our human experience so rich and dynamic.  We may experience a beautiful moment of attunement and later we’ll each go off by ourselves to have some solitude.  It’s an ebb and flow like so many other things in life.  And each part is just as important as the other.

Right now I’m reading a really interesting novel told from a five-year-old boy’s point of view.  The thing I find so fascinating about it is how accurate the author is about the details of the thoughts and emotions the little boy experiences.  The boy has a favorite spoon he calls “meltedy spoon” and when I read the words “meltedy spoon” I am instantly transported back into the classroom with 3-5 year olds.  What a perfect example of really attuning to the mind of a five year old.

This week, pay special attention to the moments of attunement that you share with your child and then consciously allow your child to separate from you when he’s ready.

Instead of hovering over him at the park, intruding on his playtime, bring a book and let him have his own experience.  Then, after an especially fun moment, he might just run over to you and excitedly share what happened.  That’s your opportunity to put the book down, make eye contact, feel the excitement in your own body and attune with him.  Maybe you’ll even be inspired to jump up and run around with him for a while.

But again, as soon as you notice him going off on his own, resist any urge you might have to follow, and go back to your book instead.  By allowing your child to determine the length of the cycle between attunement and separation, you’re reassuring him that you’re available when he needs you, but you’re not going to interrupt his flow.

If, on the other hand, your tendency is to encourage your child to play on her own more often so that you can do your adult activities, then your challenge this week is to really stop, drop what you’re doing, and attune to your child when she reaches out for connection.  Remember, that means matching her energy.  So, if she’s slow and methodical, you’ll practice slowing down too.  And if she’s giggling and gasping for breath, see how much you can feel what that must feel like.  Pay attention to any sensations in your body as you practice attuning with your children.  Often, we can find new levels of empathy when we’re willing to try to step into our children’s shoes more fully.

I would love to hear about your own experiences of attunement and separation.  Is the natural ebb and flow easy or difficult for you?  Does your timing match up with your child’s?  And how do you feel when you notice your child coming toward you or moving away from you?

I hope you’ll all have a fantastic week, Shelly

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Financial consciousness

It’s spring-cleaning time!  Hooray!  Out with the old and in with the new.  Flowers are blooming, trees are budding and leafing out, and my husband and I are taking a good hard look at our finances.  Ouch.

I don’t know about you, but becoming aware of exactly what is happening in my financial life is challenging for me.  Recording my spending and then analyzing it is frightening.  Creating and sticking to a budget feels foreign, and planning our financial future feels like sitting at the bottom of a very deep well and inching my way up brick by brick.  And then there’s the issue of increasing our income and decreasing our bottom line.  So now I’m hyperventilating.  Well, not really, but you get my point.

But the thing is, if we don’t pay attention to our finances, we will continue to live paycheck to paycheck, never really saving for our future, and as retirement approaches we’ll be up a creek without a paddle.  On the other hand, if we take a good look at our finances and bring the light of awareness to our earning, spending, saving and such, we actually have the ability to set goals and strive for them.

And if there’s one thing I know from years and years of personal development, it’s that setting a goal is the quickest way to make a change.  When we strive for things, we can often achieve much more than we would otherwise.

Now here’s the kicker, if we turn away from the responsibility of our financial future, we’re not just hurting ourselves anymore, we’re hurting our children too.  And not just because we can’t provide the things we want to give them.  I mean sure, it’ll be nice to know that we can actually afford to buy our kids healthy food and fun toys, or maybe we plan to save up for their college education.  But the real disservice comes in our children’s dysfunctional relationship to money.

We are always teaching our kids.  No matter how much we’d like to pretend they’re not learning things unless we intend to teach them, the truth is, they’re absorbing our relationship to money.  They will use our financial health as a template on which to build their own beliefs about money.

That’s not to say that they’ll be the same as we are.  Some kids grow up in poverty, don’t like it, and go on to become millionaires.  Others grow up in decadence, never learning the value of hard work or the need to earn money, and end up in poverty.  Still others consciously choose one road or the other, or something in between.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that we have a unique opportunity to help our children develop a healthy relationship to money.  But first, we have to start by healing our own relationships to it.  After we’ve examined our thoughts, beliefs, and actions around money and taken responsibility for our finances, we can teach our children to do the same.

I’m guessing we’ve all had the experience of telling our children no when they ask for something in line at the grocery store.  But I’m curious how we will tell them no and what message about money they will get from that.  Is it because “we can’t afford it” or because “we don’t choose to spend our hard earned money on candy” or will we remind them of that great vacation we’re saving up for?  I wonder how we can make our conversations about money inspiring, informative, and age appropriate for our children.

This week, take a good hard look at your financial wellbeing.  Are there areas that need your attention?  If all that’s already handled (is it ever really all handled?), then set some financial goals.  Finally, ask yourself, how will I teach my children about the beauty, wonder, and challenges of money this week?

Love to you all, Shelly

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Five keys to encouraging cooperation

Some of the most challenging moments with young people have got to be the times when you ask for help with something and then you hear a loud and defiant, “No!” in response.  In times like those, you just wish you could force your kids to do your will.  Unfortunately, if you do force them when they’re little, pretty soon they grow too big to force.  So, I recommend starting out by encouraging cooperation at every opportunity, and then when your kids are big, you’ll already have established a routine of helping each other out.  Here are my top five keys to encouraging cooperation.

1) “Let’s go!”- Instead of asking your child a question that can be answered with a simple, “no,” try directing and inviting, rather than asking.  So, instead of saying, “Jane, will you please put on your shoes?” try saying “It’s time to put shoes on, c’mon let’s go!”  You can also use this technique if you need to leave a store or park, and remember, the more excited you are about leaving, the more effective it will be.

2) I Forget- Young children love to remind and teach adults things sometimes too.  You can use that to your advantage when you want your kids to brush their teeth, put away their toys, or do just about any other task.  And, by asking your child to come up with the correct answer, you’re teaching her to remember on her own in the future.  “Susie, I can’t remember what we do next!  We have our pajamas on and we’ve gone to the bathroom and I know there’s something we’re supposed to before we jump into bed for stories, but I can’t remember what it is.  Do you know?”  I am amazed at how well this can work and how excited kids can be to do chores they otherwise don’t enjoy.

3) Winding up the robot- For clean up time, pretending to be a robot can be tons of fun and can make clean up fast and easy.  Most kids like it best if you pretend they have a big wind up crank on their back.  You wind them up, and they rush through the room picking up their toys.  But don’t forget to sing the praises of the awesome new robot you bought.  The more you talk up the robot, the more likely he is to re-appear.

4)  Scavenger hunt- Want help at the grocery store or collecting the scattered pieces of a puzzle or board game?  Play scavenger hunt!  Make a word list (for readers) or a picture list (for pre-readers) of things that need to be found or collected.  Send your child out into the house with a basket and a list, and voila, you’ll be shocked at how fast they can find the missing puzzle piece.

5) Housework party- Whether it’s cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry, sweeping, washing windows, or any other household task, you can get your child to help out by making it more fun.  First, survey your child to find out what kinds of tasks sound fun and when you find one that your child is willing to help out with, turn on some music, set him up with his supplies and let him go for it!   I’ve found that children are much more willing to help with cleaning tasks when they have gear that’s the right size for their body.  So consider purchasing the best broom for child sizes and a mop, a small spray bottle (filled with water) for washing windows, and even a work smock.  For dusting, a simple dusting mitten (no need for a thumb hole) made out of flannel is fun to wear and even more fun to get dirty!

So those are my top five favorite keys to encouraging cooperation.  I’m curious whether you’ve tried these or if they’re new to you and I hope you’ll share a comment about how they work for you.

 

Have a super week, Shelly

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