Author: Shelly

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An easy game for busy times: The “find it” game

green-kids-treasure-hunt-lgThe “find it” game is a fun game for times when you don’t have a lot of attention to give but you want to help stimulate your child’s mind and have fun together even while you’re busy at other tasks.

This game can be modified for ages 1-7.  For the youngest kids you can ask your child to find something familiar like his favorite stuffed animal or blanket.  Then, you can ask your child to put it in an unusual place (like in the dry bathtub) and then go find it again.  The ability to remember where something is and go retrieve it even when it’s out of sight is a useful skill for young children as it requires memory and visualization.

As your child grows older and needs a more complex “find it” game, you can ask her to find a blue crayon, a red triangle, or a specific item from a specific drawer.

So let’s say you’re busy cooking and your child seems bored.  You can offer, “Hey, do you want to play the ‘find it’ game?”  You’ll usually hear an enthusiastic yes from your child.  “Great!  Can you go into the bathroom and look in the far right drawer and find me a brown hair tie?”  When they’ve brought it, “Thanks!  Now let’s see, can you find your baby brother’s favorite book?  The one about the white mitten?” Continue reading “An easy game for busy times: The “find it” game”

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What we resist persists: practicing acceptance of the present moment

lotus-present-momentWow, I really don’t want to write a blog today.  I can feel myself resisting, procrastinating, and trying to find anything else to occupy my time.  Sound familiar?  Whether it’s dishes, laundry, taxes, a project for work, or just getting off the couch to get some exercise, we all have the tendency to procrastinate.

So, why do we stare in disbelief when after the 10th time of reminding our kids to put their shoes on and get out the door, they’re still reading or playing with their toys?  I’m pretty sure we’re engaged in a double standard here.  We have a specific agenda that we’d like them to agree to, but they haven’t actually agreed.  So instead of outright resisting, they procrastinate.  Or sometimes they actually physically resist, and often they verbally resist.

But here’s the thing about resistance, what we resist persists.  You don’t just go away and stop asking them to put their shoes on.  And neither do they stop asking for the toy they saw on television, or for a trip to the ball game.

What can we do without giving in to every whim of our child’s but also without resisting?  And how can we invite our kids to accept and embrace what we’re asking for, rather than resisting it?  I think empathy is a key here.  When I offer empathy to a kid who’s procrastinating, often, before I know it, he’s doing exactly what I asked.  I suspect that’s because I didn’t resist what was actually happening in the moment.

It’s easy to get frustrated that things aren’t going the way we’d like.  But this week, practice “being a yes” to whatever is happening.  When we can accept the present moment for exactly what it is (rather than wishing it were something else) things will often shift more quickly.  And we’re teaching our kids that getting mad about it doesn’t change the outcome, instead, accepting what’s actually happening (instead of resisting it) often gets better results and almost always is more fun and generally easier. Continue reading “What we resist persists: practicing acceptance of the present moment”

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Connected Parenting Key: get curious

curiosityFirst of all, I’d like to introduce my newest audio program:

8 Steps to Connected Parenting

For those of you who want a quick, easy guide to some of the most important aspects of creating connection with your kids, I’ve recorded 8 Steps to Connected Parenting, my audio guide to Conscious Parenting 101.  You can check out this audio program (only available in MP3 download) here: https://www.awakeparent.com/8steps/

Although this 45 min. audio program is easily worth $20, I’ve decided to offer it for just $8 because I’m hoping you’ll love it, find it very useful, and tell all your friends about AwakeParent.com.

To give you a taste of what this audio program is about, I’ll share one of the steps with you now…Step 5: Check in and Get Curious

Getting curious is one of the most effective ways to invite people to share their inner worlds with you.  When we’re genuinely curious we ask interested questions and people (including children) are compelled to talk with us about what’s going on inside them.

One question to avoid when you want to start a dialogue is “why”.  “Why” puts children into conceptual thought and doesn’t get to the heart of the matter.  Now besides their initial problem, they’re being asked to figure out the reasons for their discomfort and that only leads to more anxiety and upset.

Instead of asking why, try asking questions about what happened, how she’s feeling, or what sensations she’s noticing in her body.  Repeat back what she tells you and ask her to confirm that you’ve gotten it right.   This reflection allows kids to correct you if you’re off track and lets them know that you’re really listening and understanding what they’re telling you.

After you’ve repeated and gotten confirmation that you’re hearing your child accurately, ask, “what else?”  This phrase is an invitation for whatever else your child wants to share.

Here’s an example of a conversation between John and his mom who is curious and reflective. Continue reading “Connected Parenting Key: get curious”

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The perfection of imperfection

“Nobody’s perfect”, right?  Well, I’m not so sure.  I think there’s actually a kind of perfection in imperfection.  I tend toward the idea that there’s some sort of plan, or fate, or something that drives us all to be exactly who and how we are.  Some people call this force God, or the Universe, or even coincidence, but whatever you call it, I find it much more empowering to believe that there’s a purpose to my life and a larger force at work.

When I can rest in the perfection of my imperfection it’s much easier to reflect on the things I’ve done that I wish I’d done differently and I can somehow recognize that without making that “mistake” I might never have learned the important lesson in front of me.

The same goes for parenting.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to be the “perfect parent” (as if such a thing ever existed), but the funny thing is that the more we try to mold ourselves into our ideas of what the perfect parent should be like, the less we can relax and be our authentic selves.  And really, don’t we most want to teach our kids to love themselves, be comfortable in their own skin, and know that their best is good enough?!  If so, then we’ve got to learn to be easier on ourselves, to celebrate our triumphs and admit to our mistakes without beating ourselves up.

Consider the past week or so, is there something you’ve said or done that you regret?  And can you see the opportunity for learning and growth that’s available through that experience?

I can remember when I first learned about the negative effects of result-oriented praise and the benefits of effort-based praise.  I was so hard on myself!  I thought about all the hundreds of times I had said to my preschool students, “Wow what a pretty picture” or “Nice space ship!” when I could have said, “It looks like you worked really hard on that!” or even asked, “What was the most fun part of painting that?”  I can remember crying and desperately wishing I could go back in time so that I could have said something different to the kids in my class.  I was taking responsibility for damaging those kids and their self-esteem, when in reality, they probably understood on some level that I cared more about them and their effort than I did about the finished product.

The point is that I did the best I could with the information I had at the time!  Now that I have even more information about what helps kids be motivated and engaged in learning and exploration, I can foster those qualities even more skillfully, but there’s no need to berate myself for the past.  In fact, if I hadn’t had those experiences with the kids in my class, who knows if I even would have found the crucial research that inspired me to change the way I talk to kids?

I know it’s even more profoundly difficult to separate your actions as a parent from their potential impact on your child, but please remember that the mere fact that you care enough to examine your behavior, to consider the way you talk to your kids, and the recognition that you DO have an impact on your children are all signs that you’re already an exemplary parent.  So, remember to take it easy on yourself this week.  Remind yourself that we’re all doing the best we can with what we have.  And discover the beautiful lessons you can learn from your “imperfect” moments.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

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Stimulating young minds

Learning doesn’t just happen at school. You can stimulate your child’s mind at home with these simple activities:

Sometimes when kids seem to need a lot of extra attention, are bugging you constantly to watch TV and movies, or are generally in your face 24/7, they might actually be asking for more intellectual stimulation.   When kids get bored, they turn to you for help, but they might not know exactly what they’re wanting.

If you think this might be what’s happening in your household, I’ll give you some ideas and examples of simple things you can do to stimulate your child’s mind, support more independence, and encourage self-directed activities.

First, consider your child’s favorite things.  Does she love dinosaurs, dolls, horses, or art?  Does he enjoy cooking or playing in the sandbox?  These preferences can inform which kinds of activities your child will enjoy right now.  Let’s say she’s into dinosaurs.  She loves to play with her dinosaurs and sometimes corrects you when you call them by the wrong name.

So, how can you create an engaging, self-directed activity that will build on your child’s knowledge and encourage her to learn even more about dinosaurs?

If you have a book in which dinosaurs are classified into carnivores and herbivores, you can create a fun activity that she can do on her own.  If you combine her basket of dinosaurs and the book about carnivores/herbivores, add a green piece of construction paper on which you will write “Herbivores” and a red piece of paper on which you will write, “Carnivores” you have a fun game!  Just show her how to set out each piece of paper, choose a dinosaur from the basket, look in the book to check whether this dinosaur is a carnivore or a herbivore, put the dinosaur on the appropriate piece of paper and then choose another dinosaur!

When she has classified all of her dinosaurs she can come get you and you can discuss her reasoning.  Be careful not to correct your child’s work at this point.  The idea is to encourage self directed activity that is intellectually stimulating and if she thinks she’s going to get a “bad grade” at the end, there’s no motivation to do the activity again.  However, if you sit with her and ask questions like, “Wow, I’m confused, I thought a stegosaurus was a carnivore, how did you know it’s an herbivore?” then she gets to teach you, and teaching is an even more stimulating way to learn something.

Another idea for a pre-reader is to make small paper signs that say things like door, mop, sink, book, ball, table.  Put tape on the back of each and then invite your child to find the items and tape the signs on.  Pretty soon, your child will begin to recognize words even before he’s able to read!

You can also adapt this activity by using a basket of miniature items and laminated cards with words on them for beginner readers.  Easy words like dog, cat, and hat can be matched up with a tiny toy dog, cat, or hat.  Kids love these types of matching games and they learn while they play!

To make this game easier for a child who’s not reading yet, create sets of cards.  First, create two matching cards each with a sticker, picture or drawing of a cat and write the word cat below.  Now cut the word off of the second set of cards.  Now you have three sets of cards- a control set with pictures and words, a set with pictures only and a set with words.  Show your child how to match up the control set with the other sets.  Again, remember, it’s not important that they get it right, it’s just important that they’re engaged and having fun with it!  I find that it helps to do this activity at a table or on a small rug on the floor so that their workspace is contained.

I hope that some of these ideas have sparked your creativity and your desire to stimulate your child’s mind.  Please write to me with your thoughts, other ideas, questions, and stories about how these activities work for you!

Big hugs, Shelly

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