Author: Shelly

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The upside of anger

OK, I’ll admit it, I haven’t seen the movie, The Upside of Anger, but I have experienced the benefits of anger for myself.  I know it sounds strange, but hear me out.

As a young child I was terrified of anger.  I was pretty much convinced that anger was the exact opposite of love and I did whatever I could to avoid the wrath of my parents.  My theory about anger was proven right when I saw my parents who were often angry at each other eventually stop loving each other and divorce.  So I resolved never to induce anger in others and also never to express it.  You see, I’m all about the love and since anger was the opposite of love it had to go.

Everything seemed to go smoothly as I grew up, I focused on the positive, shoved my anger down and put on a happy face.  And people seemed to like it.  I was pleasant to be around, made friends easily, and got lots and lots of positive feedback.

Fast-forward twenty years…  Continue reading “The upside of anger”

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Tired of hearing NO!? Help your kids say YES!

Photo by Suzette Hibble

The other day I was chatting with a friend and she was complaining that whenever she sees her niece all she remembers from the experience is lack of cooperation and a seeming mantra of “No! No! No!”  Her sister follows her niece around asking questions like “how about this?” or “what about that?”  And the constant refrain is, “no, no, no.”

Wow, can I relate.  I do not enjoy hearing “no” so in my work with kids I’ve learned some great strategies to avoid and get around the “no.”  And then at other times, I’ve chosen to accept the no by tuning in to the yes behind the no.  If you think about it, there’s always something we’re saying yes to, and often it’s related to the thing we’re saying no to.  For instance, when I say no to a candy bar, I’m saying yes to my health and well-being.

On the other side of the spectrum I just visited some friends who do their best to say yes as much as possible and refuse to even use the word “no” with their son.  I think that’s a fantastic practice since “yes!” often produces much more connection and excitement than “no.”  How can you translate your no’s into yeses this week?

When I remember that kids are constantly trying to figure out the rules of life, the boundaries of those around them, and their own sense of autonomy and power I can understand why they would start using a powerful “no” just about as soon as they turn 2 years old.  By remembering what kids are up to developmentally, I’m able to connect with those underlying needs, and I immediately have more compassion for the little one crying “NO!” with all her might.

So let’s start with what to do when you have the most capacity for compassion and we’ll move toward situations that are more challenging.  Continue reading “Tired of hearing NO!? Help your kids say YES!”

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Free audio Tele-seminar with Shelly and Shera

Did you hear about my tele-seminar with Shera Davis on September
2nd?  It was so much fun and we got to answer some specific
questions from parents like you about how to handle tantrums
lovingly.  Shera’s insights and suggestions were fantastic!

Because I appreciate you and enjoy having you as a member of Awake
Parent Perspectives I’d like to offer you free access to the
recording of the tele-seminar.  Take some time out today to listen
and discover:

-The two biggest unmet needs your child desperately starves for
-A lesson Mary Poppins would be proud of — and how you can use it
-How you can prevent melt-downs before they happen. (It takes only
five minutes a day
-Three strategies for handling the non-stop “why” questions – get
the relief you need
-The most powerful way of showing your child you love them
unconditionally – an invaluable bonding experience
-What’s really ticking you off in heated situations? Use the
H.A.L.T. formula to find out.

Check out the recording of the tele-seminar here:
Listen here

To download a copy, right-click and choose ‘save as’:
Shera & Shelly Tele-seminar

And if you want even more in-depth information on these topics
including support materials that will help you integrate these new
tools into your life, check out the Perspectives on Feelings Audio
Program.  It comes with a workbook, transcript, and an 11 week
email course that will walk you through the exercises and help you
relate to your child’s big feelings in a whole new way.

Thanks for being with us!  Warmly, Shelly

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How to handle tantrums lovingly

Confused about how to deal with tantrums? I sure was. I couldn’t figure out why my students or charges would just flip out over seemingly trivial things like the color of their socks. There were times when I changed the color of a child’s cup so many times I had a huge pile of dishes by the end of lunch. Sometimes I felt like I was dealing with a crazy person.

I KNOW you’ve experienced this. One minute, things are fine and the next, your child is screaming, throwing herself on the floor and crying so hard she can hardly even catch her breath to tell you what happened. Then, when you finally discover what set her off, you’re left wondering how that could possibly matter enough to create such a huge reaction.

As a parent or caregiver experiencing a child’s tantrum, we can feel confused, powerless, and overwhelmed. I’ve often thought, “Oh no! What went wrong? And how can I get her to stop?”

But after experiencing more and more tantrums, I began to discover that getting kids to stop isn’t always the most connecting thing we can do. Not only that, but when kids freak out, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Continue reading “How to handle tantrums lovingly”

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What if they only say “I love you” when they get what they want?

Hey Everybody, Jill and I are gearing up for the big launch of the Perspectives on Feelings audio program. So, we thought we’d start by answering some of your specific questions about how to deal with feelings and how kids express their feelings. In this video I describe some things that Marcella can try with her stepson to encourage him to express himself even more authentically.

I hope you enjoyed my short video about how to give kids even more insight into their own feelings. Please let me know what you think! Oh, and keep an eye out for Jill’s first video next week…

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