Author: Shelly

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Want to Instantly Turn Defiance Into Cooperation? Try This!

Some of the most frustrating moments I’ve experienced while being with young people are those times when I really need their cooperation and instead I get met with defiance. I’m trying to get out the door and they refuse to put on their shoes. I want to sit down for dinner and they’re running around the house screaming. I’d like to brush their teeth and get them ready for bed, and they just want to keep playing. Ugh!

I’ve tried lots of strategies to transform those moments, and now that my daughter is approaching 3, I’ve been getting even more opportunities to help her move from defiance to cooperation. Granted, we’ve done a LOT of work to develop ongoing cooperation already, but there are times when I can see, she’s just not interested in going along with what I’m wanting. She wants to assert herself, choose her own path, and often in those moments what’s most fun is to choose the exact opposite of what I want.

So, what do I do? I quickly change my position. “Don’t put on your shoes. I do NOT want to see those shoes on your feet.” This reversal instantly encourages my daughter to continue to “defy” me with a glint in her eye as she deviously puts on her shoes.

I protest loudly, “No, no, no! Stop that right now! Oh no, she’s doing it!” And she begins to giggle as she rushes to do all of the things I “don’t” want her to do. “Well, whatever you do, don’t put on your jacket. Hey! You little rascal! What do you think you’re doing?! Get back here! Don’t you dare climb into your car seat! Oh no!”

My daughter absolutely loves this game because she gets to express her defiance, without actually causing any real conflict. And she gets to be the powerful one while I’m relegated to mock frustration and helplessness as she does all the things I’m so desperate to stop her from doing.

In case you’re wondering, it’s obvious to everyone that we’re playing a game. In fact, after playing this game whenever needed over the past few months, now Julia actually asks to play it when she’s not feeling particularly cooperative.

“Will you tell me NOT to do it?” she’ll ask.

And I’m happy to oblige. This game has turned countless moments of potential conflict and parental frustration into a super fun game full of giggles. And best of all, I get the cooperation I was asking for in the first place. It’s really a win-win.

So right now, consider an area of conflict that you’ve been experiencing with your child. Is there a way to reverse your position so that your kids can defy you by doing exactly what you’re wanting? Can you completely let go of your frustration and upset and play with your child instead? Between your new found playfulness and the reversal of power involved, your child will be helpless to resist the fun to be had.

Just one warning though, you do actually have to be able to drop your attachment to the outcome and have some fun. If kids sense that you’re only playing the game to get them to do what you want, it won’t be nearly as fun or effective. So do your best to fully step into character, be the weak and helpless one, and beg them not to do the thing you’re actually wanting. And if they start giggling, you know you’re on the right track!

I would love to hear about your experiences with this and other similar games. Please share your story with me below!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

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7 Secrets to Getting Kids to Clean Up Joyfully

Getting kids to clean up after themselves can be quite a battle. They’re really good at making messes, but when we ask them to clean up, they look at us like we’ve just spoken Swahili. Trust me, they’re not trying to be annoying. They really are confused about how to go about it and they definitely don’t like to be told what to do or forced to do something that’s no fun.

So how can you help your child learn to pick up her toys or put his clothes in the hamper? I’ve got 7 secrets to getting kids to clean up that will completely change the dynamics and turn clean up into a fun time to be had by all.

But there is a catch. Secret #1 was one of the most challenging transformations I’ve ever experienced. You’re ahead of the game if this one is easy for you…

1)  Clean up joyfully yourself

Enjoying cleaning tasks has not been easy for me, but when I realized that I was grumbling every time I had to vacuum, hated to sweep, and despised dusting, I knew that something needed to change.

First of all, I was making myself miserable over tasks that would need to be done and revisited every week for the rest of my life. And secondly, how could I expect my child to clean up joyfully if I couldn’t do that myself?

So, I read, “Peace is Every Step” by Thich Nhat Hanh and I decided to see cleaning tasks as a sort of daily meditation. I was determined to enjoy myself. And now I do genuinely enjoy cleaning. Some days are easier than others, but if you struggle with this, take it from me, you CAN change your mindset about cleaning. And once you do, getting your kids to join you will be much easier.

2)  Invite, don’t force

Nobody likes to be forced to do anything. And the sooner we recognize that children are exactly the same as adults in this regard, the sooner we’ll come up with more effective strategies to help kids want to clean up.

Imagine you’re over at a friends house and she hands you a towel and says, “You used the dishes, so now you have to dry the dishes.” Not very compelling is it?

But what if your friend said, “Would you please help me dry these dishes? I really like to get them put away right after the meal whenever possible. Do you mind?” Now you’re jumping up and pitching in, right? It pretty much always feels better to be asked and invited than to be told and forced. Want them to put their dirty clothes in the hamper? Try asking nicely! You’ll be shocked at how cooperative your kids can be when they’re invited to step up.

3)  A place for everything and everything in it’s placeMontessori shelves

I know, I know, it’s a total cliché. But the thing is, this really works well for kids. When a child knows exactly where to put the puzzle, it’s far more likely to make it back to the shelf.

In fact, for kids, I find that shelves work really well. Arranging their toys and activities so that they can be easily seen, accessed, and then put away can drastically increase the harmony in your home. Here’s a photo of our “work shelves” and bookshelf where Julia can find a wide variety of books and activities and put them away independently. And since we’ve been working on this skill since she could walk, it’s just second nature to her now to put things back when she’s finished with them.

 

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4)  Create a consistent routine with clearly defined steps

So how did we make it second nature? We were consistent. We have a rule that we only get out one or two things at a time and we clean those up before we choose new work. At two and a half, my daughter still needs some reminders, but it’s not a power struggle, I simply remind her that she has work out and tell her that I’ll hold on to the new activity while she cleans up the old one.

And since she knows exactly where her work belongs, she’s empowered to clean up quickly and get to the next item she’d like to explore.

But what if you haven’t established such a strict rule about how many items can be out at a time? Then you need to create a clear step by step guide for your child about exactly how to clean up a big mess.

For example, if you tell a child to “clean your room,” you get that blank stare. But if you say, “Here’s a basket, first pick up everything off the floor and either put it away or put it into this basket. Next find a place for each item in the basket. After that, make the bed. Don’t know how to make the bed? I’ll show you and we can do it together. Next, use this duster to clean the dust off of your dresser and nightstand. Last, use the carpet sweeper or vacuum to clean the floor. And then you’re done!”

After a few times of going through this routine with your child, he’ll remember the steps and won’t need as much help or supervision.

5)  Make it a game

Whenever I encounter my own resistance to cleaning, I try to make it more fun by putting on some music I enjoy. This works with kids too, you can have a cleaning dance party. But sometimes even a simple game like counting the items as you put them into a basket can be enough to encourage a young child to pitch in.

If simple counting isn’t working anymore, try a more complex game like, I Spy or wind up your little cleaning robot. The more creative you can be with this the better. Because children love to play, so when cleaning up is clearly the most fun to be had, they’ll definitely want to join you.

Another great strategt is to simply hand them an item and “forget” where it goes. Kids love to remind you of things you’ve forgotten and once the item is in their hands, it’s much easier for them to realize what to do next.

6)  Be a leader

If your child just doesn’t seem to want to help out, then it’s your job to model joyful cleaning, enjoy yourself immensely and continue to invite them to play with you in creative ways. This only works if you actually enjoy cleaning, but if you can get there, then you can get the ball rolling, sit back and watch the magic happen.

Afterward, be sure to admire your work with your kids. “Wow, the living room looks so tidy! Thank you so much for all your hard work.”

And if they missed a spot when they were dusting, don’t get overly critical, that will just diminish their enthusiasm the next time. You can point out ways to improve if you’re feeling happy and enjoying yourself, but if you’re feeling even slightly annoyed by your child’s inability to be precise during cleaning tasks, keep your mouth shut and fix the problem yourself when they’re out of the room.

Remember, the most important part is that they enjoy themselves and that they’re willing to help out.

7)  Provide them with tools that fit their bodies

Kids love to be just like adults and when we offer them cleaning tools that fit their small bodies, they rejoice in their ability to contribute to the household. A small broom, dustpan, mop, and duster are a good place to start. Access to rags, towels, a trashcan they can use, and a demonstration of how to do each task (as well as clear boundaries for how we don’t use these items) can invite even the most hesitant beginner cleaner to jump in and give it a try.

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Good luck and I can’t wait to hear how it goes!

Please leave me a comment below.

And have a wonderful day, Shelly

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Terrified of the Terrible Twos? How About Terrific Twos Instead!

Yes, it is true that two-year-old children don’t have much impulse control or emotion regulation skills and that coupled with their very strong preferences has given them a bad reputation as irrational and explosive. I’ve been told all sorts of things about “the terrible twos,” especially when I was a nanny and again as I prepared for motherhood. But it really doesn’t have to be this way. Tantrums and other toddler behaviors that are difficult for us are actually just a signal that a child’s needs aren’t fully being met. Luckily, we CAN meet those needs and enjoy far less of those pesky behaviors.

A couple of years ago I saw an amazing documentary film called, “Edison’s Day” which is about a 20 month old boy whose parents are both Montessori trained. Their whole home is set up to accommodate the budding independence of toddlerhood.  And their son Emerson is clearly thriving as he’s included in meaningful work, helpful tasks, and independent activities throughout his day. If you want to be completely inspired by what a toddler can accomplish if given the opportunity, definitely watch “Edison’s Day.”

I’ve done my best to set up my home in a similar way and have always encouraged my daughter Julia to develop independence as well as nurturing her ongoing cooperation in every possible moment.

And with a few adjustments to your home environment, the way you handle transitions, and your daily routines, you can have terrific twos just like Julia and Edison have! Here are some tips to get you started:

1)   Track your child’s ability to communicate and offer help.

Sign language, guessing what he wants and verbalizing for your child, and helping a child to simplify a sentence can all support toddlers in gaining the confidence to communicate their needs. “You want the cup? Can you sign ‘please’? OK!”

2)   Set up a leaving home and arriving back at home routine

complete with low hooks, a bin or basket for shoes, and a playful but consistent attitude. “We put our shoes away when we come inside.”

3)   Warn toddlers of an impending transition with plenty of time for them to get on board.

“We need to go to the grocery store. Would you like to go now or in 5 minutes? Is there anything you’d like to bring with you?”

4)   Empower your child with the skills and knowledge of the daily routine, self-care practices, and household tasks.

Toddlers are FAR more capable than we might think, so invite your child to try new things and try not to do things for them if they’re capable and willing to do it themselves.

5)   Establish a few very clear rules, post them publicly, and ask everyone in your child’s life to help you maintain those boundaries.

Also, offer an acceptable alternative if your child breaks a rule. “It’s not OK to throw books, but here’s a ball you can throw instead!”

6)   Establish a consistent daily routine and ask your child to anticipate what happens next.

“Do you remember what we do after we take off our shoes and coat?…That’s right! We go to the bathroom.”

So, why do these things make such a huge difference in the life of a two year old? For young people, routines create security. So the more predictable the daily routine is, the more likely your two year old will know what to expect and feel comfortable and prepared for what’s next.

And then there’s their budding independence. The “I do it,” stage. The more we can embrace and nurture a toddler’s autonomy, the happier and more relaxed they will be. That’s because a toddler’s main goal in life is to grow up and become a capable adult. They want to be just like us, so let’s help them learn how!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

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Do You Recognize the 7 Warning Signs of a Toddler About to Hit or Bite?

It seems to come out of nowhere. One second your toddler is playing peacefully near a friend, and the next moment the other child is running to you screaming, “He bit me!” or “She hit me!” You feel embarrassed, confused, and unsure how to proceed. Meanwhile the other child’s mom is staring at you like, “Aren’t you going to DO something about this?!”

You’re sure your friend or family member is expecting you to put your child in time out, but you’ve heard that punishment undermines your connection with your child, so what to do?

Obviously you need to address this with your child, however, a child who just hit or bit is clearly not in a learning mindset. Instead, your sweet child has stress hormones coursing through her system and is in fight, flight, or freeze mode.

Start by going over to your child, hug or hold her, make eye contact and use a simple phrase like, “Hitting people is not OK.” After that, you may want to empathize, “Were you scared your friend was about to take your toy away?”

Remember, a child who’s acting out is using her best strategy to communicate her needs. She’s not trying to hurt others or annoy you. She simply doesn’t know how else to protect her personal space or express her upset.

The good news is, kids can learn these skills quickly if you’re willing to give it some effort. The key to helping a child learn a new coping strategy is to catch the child BEFORE he employs the strategy you don’t like and then offer a suggestion in the moment when you can see he’s about to hit, bite, scratch, kick or whatever else your child does to protect himself.

So, if you have a child who resorts to hitting or biting, get ready to supervise closely for the next few weeks. Trust me, this intense supervision definitely pays off. You can rest assured that if you’re consistently there to stop your child from doing the unwanted behavior and you also offer an acceptable alternative, you’ll eradicate these behaviors in a few short weeks.

But how do you know when a child’s about to bite or hit?

Here are the 7 warning signs to look for:

1)   There’s no adult supervision or adults are involved in a conversation.

2)   Your child is tired, hungry, and/or irritable.

3)   Your child is frowning or looks unhappy whenever a friend comes near.

4)   Your child is acting possessive of a particular toy or item.

5)   You hear your child try to say “No,” raise his voice or begin to yell.

6)   Your child is clinging to you and/or whining.

7)   You see your child begin to act aggressively, with little body checks, shoves, or other physical acts.

While each child is different and has her own unique warning signs, you’ll find that once you’re looking for signs and signals that your child is about to hit or bite, you’ll begin to notice his particular way of ramping up his upset.

But if we can intervene before kids act out, we’re not just stopping them from a destructive and hurtful behavior, we’re also helping them learn to regulate their emotions and use more effective strategies for calming themselves down and establishing healthy boundaries with their friends.

And once your child feels comfortable setting clear boundaries, she’ll be much more likely to relax and enjoy her time with friends. When you feel confident that your child has the skills to use his words or other strategies, you can relax your supervision a bit. But you may want to remind everyone of the ground rules, before you leave the room.

Have a great week! Warmly, Shelly

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20 Easy Ways to Get Kids to Laugh Without Tickling

People have always known it and now science is beginning to prove that laughter really is the best medicine. After a good laugh we’re more relaxed, our blood vessels function better, we’ve released feel good hormones into our system, reduced our pain levels, boosted our immune system and even reduced blood sugar levels!

And that doesn’t even cover the psychological effects of laughter. People with a good sense of humor have been shown to recover from depression more quickly and they’re less likely to become depressed in the first place. There’s no question that laughter puts us in a better mood. So how can we help our kids release their pent up emotions through laughter?

Tickling is often the go-to method of getting young children to laugh. But when we’re tickling kids, they may or may not be enjoying it, and we have no way of telling whether they’re having fun or are upset. I can remember being tickled as a child and fearing that it would never end. I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t stop laughing, and I couldn’t even tell the person tickling me that I was no longer having fun.

That was until my mom came up with a way for me to control the tickling. We played a game in which I got to tell her when to start and when to stop tickling. And only then, did I feel safe during tickling.

So, if you typically resort to tickling to induce laughter in your child, I hope you’ll consider checking in to see whether it’s something they actually enjoy, and setting up a way for them to control the tickling.

And in case you’re wondering, there are tons of other ways to get young kids to laugh. And you don’t have to become an expert at comedy improv to do it (although it couldn’t hurt!).

Here are a few of my favorites:

1) Surprise them

2) Fall down

3) Put on a silly hat

4) Speak in a funny voice

5) Be forgetful

6) Run away from them

7) Chase after them

8) Pretend to “get” them

9) Use an accent

10) Pretend you’re the baby

11) Dance wildly

12) Pillow fight

13) Potty talk

14) Speak in gibberish

15) Mess up your hair

16) Knock something over

17) Pretend they’re getting into trouble “Don’t do that! Oh no! She did it again!”

18) Beg for something

19) Cling to them

20) Fake laugh or fake cry

The idea here is to make yourself the more vulnerable, forgetful, inept, and clumsy one and allow your child to take a position of power over you. This almost always results in peals of laughter, and don’t worry, kids know that this is a game and that you’re still ultimately in charge.

So, how will you invite and induce more laughter this week? My final tip? If you find something that works and makes your kid laugh, keep doing it!

I hope you’ll have a laughter filled week. Warm hugs, Shelly

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