Category: Appreciation

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Gratitude for YOU

To all my childless friends, thank you for being true to yourself. Thank you for being auntie to my kids. Thank you for reaching out and taking me to lunch or to tea so I can remember what it’s like to just be with women. Thank you for not judging me and my decision to have children. Thank you.

And to my friends who are currently childless but not by choice, thank you for your bravery. Thank you for trying and hoping and praying and accepting and grieving and through it all, still loving. Thank you for going through a fertility journey that I cannot fathom. Thank you for adopting. Thank you for waiting until you’ve met a partner that wants to go on the journey of parenthood with you, or not! Most of all, thank you for being my friend, even when it’s hard or you’re envious of what might seem like my “perfect” and “easy” life.

And to my single parent friends, thank you for reminding me how easy my life actually is, even when I feel like I couldn’t possibly cuddle, hold, or bathe another body, let alone fix another sandwich. Thank you for being Super Woman or Superman. Thank you for still texting and calling, even though I have absolutely no idea how incredibly busy your life is. And thank you for sharing your humanity with me. I am humbled and honored to know you.

And to all the dads out there, thank you. Thank you for being involved in your child’s life. Thank you for stepping up and providing for your kids financially. Thank you for every time you’ve roughhoused or run, or played a game. Thank you for teaching your son how to be a strong and vulnerable man. Thank you for protecting your daughters. Thank you for every single tear and every frustrated roar. Thank you for being you.

And to my friends who feed formula, use disposable diapers, have a house filled with plastic contraptions for your baby, or send your kids to daycare, I’m sorry. I’ve judged you and thought I was right. I’ve tried to urge you toward my own beliefs or practices. And now that I have a second child, I get it. Now that I’m working outside the home and juggling two kids, I understand that I was speaking from a place of ease and privilege. And I’m sorry.

Now I’m not saying that I won’t judge you again, or that I don’t hold on to some of my beliefs more strongly than others. But if that judgment or urging has hurt you or driven you away, I’m sincerely sorry for that. And just so you know, I am using disposables with my second child. There, I’ve admitted it. Please don’t bite my head off.

Yes it’s MUCH more expensive and… it takes less time. And right now as I juggle multiple jobs, motherhood, and starting a Montessori charter school, I need every second I can squeeze out of my day. I will pay extra for disposables that are plant based, because I can’t put a diaper on my child without knowing what’s inside it. But if you use a major brand of disposable diapers, I get it. You do what you can. It’s not worth fighting over. Let’s celebrate one another instead of judging so much.

What I most want is a world where our diversity is celebrated, rather than divisive. I want a world where we can all support one another, even when we disagree. No, I wouldn’t circumcise my child, and I do believe it’s a child’s right to choose whether he wants to be circumcised. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be your friend, just because you chose differently than I did.

Instead of making each other wrong, or thinking that everyone should choose the exact same life we’ve chosen, let’s appreciate each person’s individuality. Everyone has a path to walk, and we can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be in someone else’s reality. So instead of getting irate, let’s get compassionate. Instead of rolling our eyes and thinking, “How could they do that?!” let’s take a deep breath and remember, I would probably have chosen the same thing if I were in their shoes.

There’s one more group of people that I desperately want to acknowledge here. To the people of color in my world, I have no words. I’m sad and ashamed at how you’ve been treated throughout history, and especially how you’re still treated in “modern” society. I’m sorry that you can’t walk down the street safely or feel safe when a police officer approaches you. I’m sorry that people in stores watch to make sure you’re not stealing, even though I have probably shoplifted far more than you have (yes, I was young and dumb and I got away with it).

I want you to know that I appreciate your strength, but I wish you didn’t have to be so strong. I am so proud that we have our first black president, but so sad that it won’t erase racism in our country. When I look at you, I marvel at how absolutely beautiful your dark skin is and wish I had more people of color in my inner circle. I wish my daughter had more diversity in her classroom. I wish you could have the privilege that I have been born with and have taken for granted for my whole life. Mostly, I want to say thank you for existing and for fighting and loving and living despite all the hardships great and small that have befallen you. You are my hero.

All this is to say, I’m feeling especially grateful for all the amazing people in my life. You make my life so rich and beautiful. I don’t know what I’d do without you, but luckily, I don’t have to! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Love, Shelly

PS If you haven’t yet, go check out my friend Heather’s newest free offering of awesome online classes and speakers here.

PPS I also recently recorded a new free class with Heather that airs on this Friday! You can find it here.

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It’s All Happenning…

Becoming a parent is definitely a rite of passage and I don’t know anybody who has gone through it who doesn’t get a deep and profound sense of ADULTHOOD from being a mom or a dad. Once we realize that we’re responsible for these initially helpless little human beings, we quickly identify all the ways we’ve still been pretending to be carefree and irresponsible and hopefully we grow up.

So now that I’m really an adult I keep having this realization about what life is and how different adulthood is from what I imagined it would be when I was a child.

When I was young I thought there was a clear and definite contrast between “right” and “wrong,” “good” and “bad,” “should” and “shouldn’t.” But as an adult all those boundaries seem blurry and grey. Sure, I still know what feels good and right to me, but I no longer have the misconception that my own values extend to the rest of the world. It’s more about what’s right for me in this particular moment, than it is about some universal Right.  In other words, as a young person things were black and white and now everything is shades of grey. I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this.

But that’s not the realization I most wanted to share. What I’ve realized is that I used to think that life was EITHER good or bad, happy or sad, exciting or boring. And now I realize that life is all of those things at the same time. Life is good AND bad AND happy AND sad AND exciting AND boring ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

Some examples:

1)     When I was five years old my parents divorced. I was glad that they no longer fought, but having two homes and two families was both wonderful and really hard for me.

2)    I moved away from my dearest friends so that I could be with my future husband.

3)    My daughter was born and my dear uncle Rick died before he ever got to meet her.

4)   I got to raise my own chicks and now collect fresh eggs from them and my daughter got salmonella from breathing their dust when she was a baby.

5)    I get to see clients face to face from around the world over Skype but I don’t get nearly enough hugs from my friends living nearby.

When I expand my awareness to the big wide world I see even more examples. Tragedies happen and then people come together to help the survivors. People go through unspeakable torture and imprisonment and then when interviewed later, say that they are grateful for the ordeal because it brought them an inner peace and strength they wouldn’t have otherwise.

I guess my point is, it’s all happening. All of it. The good, the bad, the ugly AND the unspeakably beautiful. And our job is to enjoy as much of it as we possibly can in our short time on this Earth.

So yes, your child is whining and screaming one minute and snuggling up whispering, “I love you,” the next. That’s just the way life is. It’s all jumbled together in a big stew. Everything is just thrown in together. And I am loving every minute of it (except when I’m not).

What do you think about the mixed bag that life is? Does the darkness help us appreciate the light? Or is it all just meaningless? Do you think it’s possible to divide the “negative” from the “positive”? Or does it all just end up together in the end? I would love to know your thoughts so please leave me a comment!

Warm hugs and the cold shoulder, Shelly

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Overflowing with Gratitude

I just got off the phone with a client and I’m feeling so much inspiration and gratitude. I’m grateful that I get to support people to live the lives they’re most inspired to live. I’m grateful I can make an impact on one person and that impact can ripple out in beautiful and unexpected ways. And I’m grateful that I can be moved and impacted in return. Wow. My life is such a blessing.

As I sit here looking out my office window I see a tree with a few yellow leaves still hanging on, trying desperately to survive for another day. I’m so grateful to be healthy and alive! I see my hot tub, what a source of joy and relaxation. I’m so comfortable inside my centrally heated home under electric lights that work. I’m sitting here sipping hot tea and typing on a truly incredibly piece of hardware, (fyi, my wonderful husband who I adore sometimes calls my MacBook Air my boyfriend).

And I get to share my innermost thoughts with you! I am so incredibly grateful to you for reading this right now. Your presence in my life inspires me to continue to share myself honestly, openly, and fearlessly. When you listen, you provide a space where I can share. And when you share, I get to listen. It’s a win-win!

I’m about to go pick up a pie that I didn’t have to bake myself, all I had to do was make a phone call and the woman on the other end of the line said, “We’ll have it ready for you!” What a marvel!

I can hear my cat meowing, which usually annoys me, but right now it sounds like music and warm snuggles, and companionship. I can hear my mom in the next room playing with my daughter. Two of the people I adore most in the world, and they’re having so much fun together!

When I think of my family, I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. There are so many people who love me, care for and about me, and support me in so many ways. My husband is incredible, my parents are awesome, and lucky me, I even adore my in-laws!

The client I just spoke to recently finished his yearly drive to deliver Thanksgiving dinners to families in need. They delivered turkeys and fixings to 519 families this year. And each and every family received the surprise delivery from another real live family who personally brought the food to their door and handed it to them. The human connection as he described the process was beautifully palpable.

Earlier today I spoke to someone who does relief work in Africa and helps manage millions of dollars in aid every year. My life is filled with incredible people do amazing and meaningful work in the world.

Just yesterday I spoke with a friend who cares for her son all day every day. I am constantly in awe of the moms who can do that day in and day out. Being a mother is a huge service already, but being a stay at home parent who’s a primary care giver for a child is just incredibly beautiful. If you do that job, my hat is off to you. You’re making a huge difference in the life of your child.

And then there are the working moms, who work all day to support their families and then come home and still care for their puking, feverish children all night long, only to head back to work the next day. Um, can I please give you some sort of medal or something?

Everywhere I look there are countless reasons to be grateful and to appreciate, and to be inspired to be and do even more. I want to grow and build and care even more when I connect with you. Thank you!

Whether you’ve done something small like clicking like on one of my facebook posts or something big like purchasing ongoing coaching from me, your participation in our community makes a difference.

And not just here either, the friend you talked to last week who was struggling, or the kind word you offered to someone at the grocery store while their child was melting down, or the ex-husband that you shared your children with over the weekend. They all benefit from your generosity and compassion.

And though you may not know all of the ways that your kindness branches out and grows, let me assure you, it does. When you share love, it blossoms and grows, in small ways and in large ways, impacting a single person or perhaps thousands, even millions of people.

Thank you for helping me share my love and thank you for sharing yours. Together, I do believe we’re changing things for the better. And I’m having a lot more fun doing it with you than I ever could all by myself.

Love, hugs, and Happy Thanksgiving, Shelly

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Fostering Gratitude

My daughter’s favorite phrase lately seems to be, “I want I want I want…” and then she fills in the blank with whatever she happens to want in that particular moment. We’ve been working on asking nicely, which she does beautifully when prompted. And, with Thanksgiving approaching I’ve been thinking about the relationship between desire and gratitude.

In my experience, desire is somewhat uncomfortable and exciting and if my desire goes unfulfilled it can reach a point of frenzy. Gratitude on the other hand is calming, heart centered, and incredibly fulfilling in and of itself.

So, when I find myself stuck in a cycle of desire, I can often find a peaceful way out by consciously practicing gratitude. And I deeply want Julia to develop this useful skill.

For the next couple of weeks when she starts in with her refrain, “I want I want I want…” I think I’ll respond by sharing something I’m grateful for, instead of prompting her to ask nicely. “I’m so grateful we get to spend this time together!” or “I’m glad we have lovely healthy food to eat.” And then I’ll ask, “What are you grateful for?”

Sure, we’ll practice this on Thanksgiving, but why not start early and continue through the end of the month? In fact, why take a break from gratitude at all?

There are bunches of studies from positive psychology and happiness research that show that gratitude increases quality of life. Here’s a list of some peer reviewed studies from 2006-2011 if you’re interested in learning more about the current research.

The point is that gratitude and appreciation are emotions that benefit us and the people around us. And what’s the best way to teach this wonderful skill to our children? Why, to practice it regularly ourselves, of course!

How do you practice gratitude on a daily and weekly basis? Do you have rituals around food, like saying grace? Do you recount favorite moments of each day at bedtime? Do you have family meeting where each person gets a chance to appreciate the other members of the family?

If none of these sound familiar, maybe it’s time to implement a gratitude practice into your life! Even something as simple as keeping a gratitude journal that you write in daily can improve your happiness and wellbeing. And even if you don’t formally adopt a practice WITH the kids, your own daily practice will still positively impact your family.

The holidays are a wonderful time to practice being grateful for what we have, and they’re also a good time to give to others. Sometimes I find that it’s easier to be grateful for the abundance in my life when I spend time with people who are less fortunate. It’s very easy to take things for granted when everyone around us has things like hot running water and cars to drive.

But when we volunteer at a local soup kitchen, it feels really good to give back AND it reminds us how fortunate we are. Really, having hot running water and a roof over our heads is quite a miracle.

So, what are you most grateful for today? And how might you implement a gratitude practice with your kids? Or do you already have one that you’d like to share? I love hearing from you!

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

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Loving Ourselves and Acknowledging Our Gifts

I have some pretty incredible people in my life. My friends and family members are constantly inspiring, encouraging, and helping me with all sorts of things. And each of them has such unique and wonderful gifts. But here’s the thing, as far as I can tell, none of us is able to see our unique and wonderful gifts clearly, all by ourselves. For some reason, maybe because we’re such social creatures, we seem to need one another to share, acknowledge, and reflect our awesomeness back to us. And when that happens, it’s like finally getting a clear view of an image that’s been blurry for years. It’s an “Aha” moment.

I’ve recently had several of these moments as I’ve connected with various incredible and inspiring women in my life. Last week, my dear friend Kendra reminded me that my compassion and understanding is unique and wonderful. It’s the water I’m swimming in and so it doesn’t seem all that special to me, but she pointed out how much it really matters to her that she knows she can come to me and I won’t judge her or tell her she’s wrong. Instead, I’ll see the positive intentions behind all of her actions and remind her what a wonderfully fabulous person I think she is.

Just today my friend Dawne acknowledged me for the years of study and preparation I did before I became a mom. She said something like, “Well, it totally makes sense to me that your daughter would be learning and thriving so incredibly well, I mean look at all the love, attention, and opportunities she’s had because of her incredible parents!”

When she said that, it really hit me. Wow, I HAVE been preparing for her and working to be the best mom (and person) I can be for such a long time now. And that is something that I can be really proud of. I’ve been standing a little bit taller ever since our conversation.

I think this kind of specific acknowledgment is so important and sorely missing from our mainstream culture. It’s different from receiving a compliment, or from offering groundless praise. It’s a reminder of our innate greatness, and we really are great, each of us for our own unique contributions to life and to love.

When we see the love, acceptance, or even awe on the faces of the people we love, respect, and admire it’s somehow easier to remember that we rock.

Self-acceptance has not always come easy for me. I’ve struggled to fully love and accept myself just as I am, including my desire to grow and change. It’s one of the conundrums of personal growth work. We want to grow and change, so something must be wrong with us, right? No way! We are all perfect just as we are AND we are hard wired to learn and grow and get better and better at being ourselves.

So this week, offer and receive some acknowledgment. Tell your sister why you think she’s such a great person. Ask your friend what he appreciates about you. Remind your child what you enjoy about getting to share your life with him. We’re not talking about empty praise here, but deep, meaningful acknowledgment of someone’s unique and wonderful gifts.

If you’re struggling with how to structure your acknowledgment, try this: “(Name) when you (specific moment in time or memory that you share), I felt (emotion word) and the impact on me was (share how this has improved your life in some way). I am so grateful for you and your gift of ____.

So here’s my acknowledgment for you. (Your Name Here) when you read my blog every week I feel so happy and excited because I know that I’m a part of a community of parents who want to be their best selves with their kids. It brings me so much joy to know that you exist and that we’re on this journey of life and parenthood together. I’m so grateful for you and for your participation in this community!

Now here’s my recently recorded “Mommy Pep Talk” video. Please watch it if you’re a mom or share it with a mom who could use a reminder that she is fantastic.

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

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