Category: Social/Emotional Development

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8 Ways to Help Kids With Anger

Emotion regulation is one of the biggest challenges children face. Heck, emotion regulation is one of the biggest challenges anybody faces! So how can we help kids learn to feel, express, and experience their emotions in a healthy and productive way? Joy and happiness are easy to encourage and enjoy. But when kids feel frustrated and angry, it can be difficult to hold space for them and help them ease back into a regulated state without minimizing or squashing their emotional expression.

 

So here are my 8 ways to help your child with anger:

1)   Reflect—

“It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated…is that right?” or “It seems like you’re still upset about that, are you?” are great conversation openers. Instead of asking a young child how they’re feeling, try guessing his feelings and then check in to see if you’ve guessed correctly. This helps kids to more correctly identify their feelings when they’re in the midst of them since thinking of the right words can be difficult when we’re emotionally activated. But do be careful not to simply assume you know what’s going on. It’s important to check in and ask so that our kids know that we’re tuning in and curious, rather than forcing our own ideas about what’s going on upon them.

2)   Listen—

Instead of offering advice or suggestions, first, simply listen. Rather than asking questions or telling stories about how much you understand what they’re going through, just breathe, relax, and feel your heart as you get down on his level, make eye contact, and listen to your child.

3)   Empathize—

Focus on the feelings and their underlying needs. For instance, “Are you feeling frustrated because you need some space from your brother?” or “Are you feeling upset because you need my attention and I’ve been unavailable?” By noting the need underneath the feelings, you’re helping your child (and yourself!) to better understand what’s happening and how to help herself avoid a future incident.

For instance, when kids understand what they’re needing, they’re more likely to be able to ask for it! And when you are able to connect feelings to their underlying needs, you can help your child by prompting her to ask. “It sounds like you’re getting frustrated. What would help? A snack? Some time alone? How can you ask for what you’re wanting right now?”

4)   Hold space—

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give to someone with big feelings is to simply witness them and hold space for them while they express themselves. Of course you do need to make sure the expression is safe for you and your child, but many times, simply being there and relaxing your own body can be a wonderful grounding rod for a child who’s feeling out of control. You don’t need to say anything at all, but if you feel the need, something simple like, “I’m here,” “I hear you,” or “It’s OK to feel angry (sad, upset)” is best.

5)   Offer alternatives—

Hitting people is not OK, but if your child seems to desperately need to hit something, offering a healthy alternative can be incredibly helpful. Hitting a bed, couch, or pillow can be a good redirect for a child who has trouble controlling her body and lashes out at people. Ultimately, you want your child to be able to let go of her anger without needing to hit, but allowing her to hit an inanimate object can be a good interim step on the way toward a more advanced method of processing anger. The same goes for throwing, spitting, or any other unwanted behavior. By offering a healthy outlet, you can help your child learn self-control AND allow her to express her feelings through her body.

6)   Reconnect—

Many children who experience an explosion of anger have feelings about the outburst afterward. Sometimes they feel scared, ashamed, or worried about what happened. Reconnecting after an outburst is a great way to remind your child that you love him no matter what. It’s also a time when he’s ready to hear your reassurances that it’s OK to have big feelings and stories about how you feel angry sometimes too. Tune in to your child’s favorite way to reconnect, whether it’s snuggling, physical play, or some other cherished family ritual. Also remember to respect your child’s time frame as some kids need some alone time to process what happened before they’ll be ready to reconnect with you.

7)   Envision the future—

After the incident is over, talk with your child about how you might handle a future similar situation. During an upset, your child is unable to process any new information and will simply shut down further if you attempt to problem-solve or make suggestions about what to do differently next time.

But later, when the emotions have cooled, you can ask questions and offer ideas about how you can both handle the situation better next time. This helps kids get into the habit of envisioning a more appropriate way to deal with their upset. You might practice some breathing and relaxation techniques, or role-play a similar situation. Be sure to ask your child what she thinks would help and really listen to her suggestions. Children have an innate wisdom about how to help themselves.

8)   Model what you want—

This one might be the most difficult to implement, but it’s also the most important. Children get their cues about how to behave from us. So if we aren’t able to stop ourselves from exploding in anger, we can hardly blame them when they do the same thing. If you’ve noticed that you’re having your own “tantrums” then it’s time to do some self-empathy and begin to catch your upset, and address it BEFORE you’re yelling or breaking things.

You can apply all of the above keys to your own exploration of healthy anger release. And remember, it’s OK to feel angry, it’s how we behave when we’re angry that makes the biggest impact on our relationships. If you feel that your own anger gets out of control at times, I highly recommend seeking professional help. A therapist or life-coach can help you learn how to deal with your own anger in healthy ways and then you can model that for your kids.

One more note on this. Humans have an incredible ability to empathize with others that is helped by special neurons called “mirror neurons.” Simply put, these mirror neurons are activated by the emotions in the people around us and cause us to feel what others are feeling. What this means for your parenting is that the more at peace you are, the more peaceful your children will be, and the more activated you feel, the more upset they will get.

So, if you notice your child getting upset, first try to calm yourself down and then help your child. And trust that if you’re able to maintain your composure, your child will be more likely to regain his composure sooner too.

I know that a lot of these suggestions are easier said than done, but I trust that your efforts in emotion regulation for both yourself and your child will pay off big time. Please don’t hesitate to post comments with thoughts, questions, or other suggestions. I appreciate your participation here!

And have a great week, Shelly

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7 Keys to Getting Kids to Listen

Isn’t it amazing how selectively our kids listen to us? If they don’t like what they’re hearing, they have an uncanny ability to tune it out and engross themselves in a book or toy instead. I’m sure you’ve experienced this universal kid skill. The thing is, it’s not just children who tune out. We do the exact same thing to them all the time. In fact, I’m guessing we’re where they learned the skill in the first place.

Not a pretty picture, but a good place to begin if we want our kids to truly listen and respond to us when we speak to them.

1)   Listen to children—

Good listening skills are not innate, they’re learned, just like any other skill. Children don’t naturally understand that it’s considered disrespectful to avoid eye contact. They’re just doing what comes naturally to them, avoiding conflict or confrontation.

By modeling good listening skills to your child, you’re showing them exactly what you’re wanting. And since kids are hard wired to imitate their parents, they’re already more likely to listen well and respond respectfully when they’re exposed to those behaviors every day.

So the next time you find yourself tuning out as your child is telling a long involved and possibly nonsensical story, breathe, relax and give him your complete attention. Make eye contact, and give the appropriate social signals that you’re engaged. You might even want to ask some follow up questions just to be sure you heard correctly.

2)   Practice Compassion—

Rather than taking “not listening” as an affront, considering it rude or disrespectful, try to see it for what it is, a genuine attempt to keep the peace.

If you think about the specific times when your child is most likely to employ the avoidance strategy of “not listening,” you may see a pattern. He avoids listening when you ask him to clean up his toys. Or she won’t make eye contact after she’s hit her sister. Most often, children are attempting to avoid conflict, embarrassment, added work, or punishment when they refuse to give us their attention.

So I recommend practicing empathy and compassion as you approach a child who isn’t listening. By showing your child that you understand what’s happening for him, you’re much more likely to get his attention and eventually to get your own message across.

3)   Get close and be very very quiet—

Our natural reaction when kids don’t listen is to speak louder and louder until we’re yelling across the house feeling more and more frustrated. “I KNOW she can hear me,” you think. Don’t be so sure.

When we yell, our kids shut down, go into fight or flight, and are actually less able to listen and process information. Instead, try going over to your child and whispering in his ear.

I first tried this as an assistant teacher in a Montessori classroom. Peace is a huge part of the Montessori curriculum and maintaining a peaceful classroom that provides the most potential for learning and focus is hugely important. Rather than raising our voices in the classroom, we were taught to walk over to the child, get down on her level, gently tap her shoulder, make eye contact and quietly speak to the child.

Amazingly, this works like a charm! Even in situations that were about to go haywire, my calm and quiet reminders helped the children remember the rules and follow them more easily. And in the times when I forgot, got upset, or raised my voice, guess what happened? The volume and energy in the whole classroom was negatively affected.

And I can tell you from experience that the exact same thing happens at home. When we’re able to maintain a calm and peaceful tone of voice, our kids can hear us and are much more likely to respond in the ways we’d like.

4)   Only say it ONCE—

This one is hugely important. Think about it this way, every time you repeat yourself, you’re actually training your kids not to listen to you the first time. When they know that you’ll say it 10 times, there’s really no need to pay attention the first 9 times. Kids can be pretty sure they’ll hear it again and again, so why even tune in?

On the other hand, when you refuse to repeat yourself, children learn quickly that they must pay attention or they might miss crucially important information.

Now I don’t mean that you can never repeat yourself if your child is genuinely curious and truly didn’t hear you the first time. It’s just the incessant repetition with no response that is troublesome. And if you’re not sure if they heard you the first time, ask!

5)   Tell them exactly how you’d like them to respond—

As I mentioned before, children don’t come already equipped with all of the information they need to respond to us or other people in socially acceptable ways. They actually have to learn the appropriate responses. So instead of getting frustrated, let’s try some patient instruction.

When my daughter doesn’t respond in the way I’d like, I simply model it for her or ask her to do it. I’ll say, “I hear you Mommy,” and wait for her to repeat, or I’ll ask, “Will you please let me know that you heard me? You can say, ‘OK Mom!”

And if your child isn’t quite as cooperative as mine is, offer them some responses that meet everyone’s needs. “I hear you Mom and I’ll take care of that after I’m finished with my puzzle.” Or give them the option of giving you a thumbs up if they’ve heard you.

6)   Ask them to repeat it—

We’ve already gone over the importance of NOT repeating yourself, so how can you be sure your child really heard and understood your request? Ask them to repeat what you’ve said. “Hey Julia, did you hear what I asked a moment ago? Can you tell me what I said?” Or be playfully forgetful, “Wait, what did I just say? I can’t even remember! (wink wink)”

The most important part of this practice is remaining completely calm and relaxed as you ask your child to repeat your words. The repetition is not a punishment, it’s simply an attempt to ascertain whether your communication has been effective.

When we have tension in our voices as we ask these types of questions we’re not likely to get a positive response. Remember, no one likes to be forced to do anything so keep an inviting rather than a demanding tone of voice and you’ll have a lot more success.

7)   Have some fun—

Never forget that being playful and easygoing is the quickest way to get a child’s attention. Getting upset only triggers kids into shut down mode, but playing a fun game is a sure-fire way to engage and invite children into your world.

Rather than getting angry, see if you can figure out a way to make listening to you more fun than the alternative. Turn it into a game of who has super keen hearing, or who can guess what you want when you act it out in pantomime. Try learning sign language together or make your request in song and dance.

By lightening up and learning to play and have more fun, you’re showing your kids that you’re willing to step into their world a little bit more and I’ve found that whenever I’m willing to do that, children are happy to reciprocate.

I’m so curious whether you’ve tried these keys yourself and how they’ve worked for you. Please share your insights and stories below!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

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Terrified of the Terrible Twos? How About Terrific Twos Instead!

Yes, it is true that two-year-old children don’t have much impulse control or emotion regulation skills and that coupled with their very strong preferences has given them a bad reputation as irrational and explosive. I’ve been told all sorts of things about “the terrible twos,” especially when I was a nanny and again as I prepared for motherhood. But it really doesn’t have to be this way. Tantrums and other toddler behaviors that are difficult for us are actually just a signal that a child’s needs aren’t fully being met. Luckily, we CAN meet those needs and enjoy far less of those pesky behaviors.

A couple of years ago I saw an amazing documentary film called, “Edison’s Day” which is about a 20 month old boy whose parents are both Montessori trained. Their whole home is set up to accommodate the budding independence of toddlerhood.  And their son Emerson is clearly thriving as he’s included in meaningful work, helpful tasks, and independent activities throughout his day. If you want to be completely inspired by what a toddler can accomplish if given the opportunity, definitely watch “Edison’s Day.”

I’ve done my best to set up my home in a similar way and have always encouraged my daughter Julia to develop independence as well as nurturing her ongoing cooperation in every possible moment.

And with a few adjustments to your home environment, the way you handle transitions, and your daily routines, you can have terrific twos just like Julia and Edison have! Here are some tips to get you started:

1)   Track your child’s ability to communicate and offer help.

Sign language, guessing what he wants and verbalizing for your child, and helping a child to simplify a sentence can all support toddlers in gaining the confidence to communicate their needs. “You want the cup? Can you sign ‘please’? OK!”

2)   Set up a leaving home and arriving back at home routine

complete with low hooks, a bin or basket for shoes, and a playful but consistent attitude. “We put our shoes away when we come inside.”

3)   Warn toddlers of an impending transition with plenty of time for them to get on board.

“We need to go to the grocery store. Would you like to go now or in 5 minutes? Is there anything you’d like to bring with you?”

4)   Empower your child with the skills and knowledge of the daily routine, self-care practices, and household tasks.

Toddlers are FAR more capable than we might think, so invite your child to try new things and try not to do things for them if they’re capable and willing to do it themselves.

5)   Establish a few very clear rules, post them publicly, and ask everyone in your child’s life to help you maintain those boundaries.

Also, offer an acceptable alternative if your child breaks a rule. “It’s not OK to throw books, but here’s a ball you can throw instead!”

6)   Establish a consistent daily routine and ask your child to anticipate what happens next.

“Do you remember what we do after we take off our shoes and coat?…That’s right! We go to the bathroom.”

So, why do these things make such a huge difference in the life of a two year old? For young people, routines create security. So the more predictable the daily routine is, the more likely your two year old will know what to expect and feel comfortable and prepared for what’s next.

And then there’s their budding independence. The “I do it,” stage. The more we can embrace and nurture a toddler’s autonomy, the happier and more relaxed they will be. That’s because a toddler’s main goal in life is to grow up and become a capable adult. They want to be just like us, so let’s help them learn how!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

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Do You Recognize the 7 Warning Signs of a Toddler About to Hit or Bite?

It seems to come out of nowhere. One second your toddler is playing peacefully near a friend, and the next moment the other child is running to you screaming, “He bit me!” or “She hit me!” You feel embarrassed, confused, and unsure how to proceed. Meanwhile the other child’s mom is staring at you like, “Aren’t you going to DO something about this?!”

You’re sure your friend or family member is expecting you to put your child in time out, but you’ve heard that punishment undermines your connection with your child, so what to do?

Obviously you need to address this with your child, however, a child who just hit or bit is clearly not in a learning mindset. Instead, your sweet child has stress hormones coursing through her system and is in fight, flight, or freeze mode.

Start by going over to your child, hug or hold her, make eye contact and use a simple phrase like, “Hitting people is not OK.” After that, you may want to empathize, “Were you scared your friend was about to take your toy away?”

Remember, a child who’s acting out is using her best strategy to communicate her needs. She’s not trying to hurt others or annoy you. She simply doesn’t know how else to protect her personal space or express her upset.

The good news is, kids can learn these skills quickly if you’re willing to give it some effort. The key to helping a child learn a new coping strategy is to catch the child BEFORE he employs the strategy you don’t like and then offer a suggestion in the moment when you can see he’s about to hit, bite, scratch, kick or whatever else your child does to protect himself.

So, if you have a child who resorts to hitting or biting, get ready to supervise closely for the next few weeks. Trust me, this intense supervision definitely pays off. You can rest assured that if you’re consistently there to stop your child from doing the unwanted behavior and you also offer an acceptable alternative, you’ll eradicate these behaviors in a few short weeks.

But how do you know when a child’s about to bite or hit?

Here are the 7 warning signs to look for:

1)   There’s no adult supervision or adults are involved in a conversation.

2)   Your child is tired, hungry, and/or irritable.

3)   Your child is frowning or looks unhappy whenever a friend comes near.

4)   Your child is acting possessive of a particular toy or item.

5)   You hear your child try to say “No,” raise his voice or begin to yell.

6)   Your child is clinging to you and/or whining.

7)   You see your child begin to act aggressively, with little body checks, shoves, or other physical acts.

While each child is different and has her own unique warning signs, you’ll find that once you’re looking for signs and signals that your child is about to hit or bite, you’ll begin to notice his particular way of ramping up his upset.

But if we can intervene before kids act out, we’re not just stopping them from a destructive and hurtful behavior, we’re also helping them learn to regulate their emotions and use more effective strategies for calming themselves down and establishing healthy boundaries with their friends.

And once your child feels comfortable setting clear boundaries, she’ll be much more likely to relax and enjoy her time with friends. When you feel confident that your child has the skills to use his words or other strategies, you can relax your supervision a bit. But you may want to remind everyone of the ground rules, before you leave the room.

Have a great week! Warmly, Shelly

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“I don’t need you anymore.”

Last week I was absentmindedly helping Julia put on her shoes when she pushed my hand away and said, “I don’t need you anymore.” Initially I was shocked (she’s 2!), and then I felt hurt. Then I understood that she didn’t mean that she will never need me for anything ever again.

Afterward I thought about how silly it is that such a small sentence could send me into an emotional tailspin, especially when it came out of the mouth of a two year old. I mean, I’m supposed to be the adult and she’s the child!

But that’s parenthood, right? Maintaining composure with friends, colleagues, co-workers and other family members is a breeze compared to keeping our center when our beloved child says something unexpectedly hurtful. We know they don’t INTEND to be hurtful, and even if they do, it’s just their way of exploring boundaries and understanding emotional experiences.

I know that by maintaining composure and sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings from a grounded place, I can help my daughter develop empathy and become more emotionally intelligent.

But it hurts like hell to have your child say something like, “I hate you,” or “Go away, don’t touch me!” So how can we maintain calm composure when our children are spewing their most powerful poison at us?

First we have to remember that they are children. That doesn’t mean that their words are meaningless or that we shouldn’t take them seriously. It means that they aren’t fully aware of the effect their words can have yet and they’re still exploring concepts of power, empathy, and their impact on others.

The problem with breaking down in the face of our children’s attempts to explore their power is that it can actually be scary for them to realize that they can cause emotional upset in us. What children most want is a strong and compassionate parent who can hear the message underneath their hurtful words.

So, next we could translate their words into the underlying feelings and needs they’re trying to express. For instance, when Julia said, “I don’t need you anymore.” I could have thought, “Oh, she’s feeling frustrated because she needs autonomy and accomplishment.” What a difference a little bit of interpretation can make!

Or if a child is saying, “I hate you! Go away!” they may need reassurance that we love them no matter what. They could also need some space, but many times when children push us away with their irritating, or hurtful behavior it’s precisely because they’re testing our resolve to stay and love them no matter what they say or do. If I were able to stay composed in this scenario I might say something like, “I hear you. It sounds like you’re feeling angry, and that’s OK. I love you no matter what and I’m going to stay right here in case you need a hug.”

On the other hand, if I sense that a child really does just want some alone time, I’m happy to offer that too. It’s really just a matter of interpreting what we think the underlying feelings and needs probably are in this particular instance.

Think back to a time in the past few weeks when you’ve lost your cool with your kiddos. Can you identify their underlying feelings and needs? Can you identify your own? How might you have handled the situation differently if you were able to maintain relaxed composure?

I do think it’s important to process emotional content after the heat of the emotion has passed. During an upset, no one is able to learn from the experience. But afterward, by playing games, getting curious, and doing some role-play, we can often turn the most upsetting experiences into opportunities to learn and grow.

I would love to hear about your own moments of emotional turmoil when something unexpected comes out of your child’s mouth. Please share your story with us by leaving a comment below!

And have a lovely week, Shelly

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