Conscious parenting – Page 12

April 21, 2010April 21, 2010

Are you speaking a different love language?

n106986646000880_7711 When I discovered “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman my world was turned upside down…in a good way. Chapman’s theory is that there are five primary love languages and that each of us tends to have one language we give and receive love in the most often and the most easily. He says that often people are trying to express love, but those efforts are not getting received as love by the other person. This struck a chord for me particularly in my relationship with my dad.

After learning more about these five languages, I began to realize that although I had spent much of my life thinking that my dad didn’t love me as deeply as I wanted him to, in reality, he’d been loving me all along, I just hadn’t recognized his efforts as love!

Because my primary love languages match up well with my Mom’s (physical touch and quality time), it was easy for me to feel loved by her. We often shared hugs, snuggled on the couch, and hung out talking. But since my dad’s primary love language is acts of service, I hadn’t been receiving his love as easily. For me, doing a project together just didn’t feel like love.

When I realized this I began to look back at my relationship with my dad through the years and I started to recognize all the hundreds of times my dad was showing me love and I hadn’t received it. Continue reading “Are you speaking a different love language?”

April 14, 2010April 14, 2010

Trusting Kids

kid-rock-climbing It’s easy to become overprotective of kids, especially our own. It’s as if we can suddenly see 10 steps ahead and we KNOW that something horrible is about to happen. But what if our children don’t actually need our warnings, fears, and concerns in order to keep themselves safe?

When I was in college I learned about this incredible study that was done with babies who had recently learned to crawl. They were placed on a piece of inch thick Plexiglas with a checkerboard pattern underneath. Babies crawled around easily on the surface and came to their moms who were encouraging them from the other side of the surface.

Then, babies were put on another Plexiglas surface with the same checkerboard pattern just beneath the Plexiglas for about 3 feet and then a visual drop-off; the checkerboard pattern was a few feet below the Plexiglas. All the babies were completely safe from falling because the Plexiglas was strong and supporting them, however, even with their moms encouraging them and calling them from the other side of the room, babies refused to cross onto the area where it appeared there was a 3-foot drop. They believed it wasn’t safe, and so they stayed where they were certain not to fall. Amazing, right?! Continue reading “Trusting Kids”

April 7, 2010April 7, 2010

The art of surrender

Parents are the ultimate experts on the art of surrender. You have to be. If we didn’t surrender to the reality of our lives as parents, we’d be miserable and struggling constantly! Instead, we learn to go with the flow, relax and let go, and accept what is. Before I was pregnant I never realized how soon this process begins. But during the first few months of pregnancy when I was nauseous unless I was constantly eating protein, I realized that I was in practice mode for parenting already. I had to let go of my own desires and eat what my baby needed. And at first I felt I was forced to surrender.

As my pregnancy has progressed, I’ve become more artful in my ability to surrender and accept what is happening to my body and what will soon be happening to my life and to my priorities.

I’m taking a fabulous birthing class called Hypnobabies in which I’m practicing self-hypnosis to help me be more relaxed and comfortable during birth. As a part of my homework I listen to pregnancy affirmations every day that say things like, “I completely accept my pregnant body.” And “The changes in my body are beautiful.” Boy am I grateful for that CD! Without it, I can imagine myself feeling upset every time I grow a size, or whenever someone says, “Whoa! You’re ONLY 5 months? You’re HUGE!” But with my daily affirmations, I’m much better able to surrender, accept, and enjoy the process of giving over my body to pregnancy and to nourish my healthy baby.

And to any bio moms out there, I KNOW you’ve experienced the surrender that comes with motherhood, simply because you’ve been through the process of birth. No matter what your birth experience was, I’m certain there was a moment when you realized that there is no turning back, no choice, only surrender into what must happen next. And from what I’m learning about birth, I’m betting that the better you were at relaxing and letting go, the smoother and easier your birth was.

What a great way to prepare for parenting during infancy, toddler-hood, childhood, and the teenaged years! Sometimes I’m amazed by how perfectly nature prepares us for what’s to come.

Some of my first memories of the beauty of surrender came during my own childhood as I watched my mom and step-dad have an argument. Continue reading “The art of surrender”

March 31, 2010March 31, 2010

Working with the child mind: Saying what you DO want gets the best results

42-15618349 It’s easy to get into a pattern of saying things like, “Stop!”, “No!” or “Don’t do that” with kids. They’re constantly experimenting with both the physical world and with social boundaries. As a result they have a tendency to do things we don’t approve of or enjoy at least some of the time (and often a LOT of the time).

How we handle these moments can make a huge impact on a child and on what they’ll choose to do the next time. Because their subconscious mind is actually more developed than their conscious mind, kids have a hard time hearing negatives. Instead, they tend to focus on the real content of what we’re saying, rather than the positive or negative we’ve tacked on to it. So for instance, when we say, “Don’t pee in your pants” kids hear “Pee in your pants” and when we say “Stop hitting your brother” kids hear “Hit your brother.”

When we realize that kids hear and understand differently than adults do, it’s much easier to have compassion for their behavior. Often times, they’re not consciously intending to be defiant, they simply aren’t processing all of what we’re saying and they’re compelled to do the very thing that we’re putting so much energy and attention toward.

So while we try to focus on the positive in our everyday lives, it’s all the more crucial that we do so with young people. Rather than, “Don’t fall” try saying, “Be careful” or “Watch your step” and instead of “Stop hitting” try “Remember to be kind to others” or “Let’s use our hands for loving kindness.”

Children respond incredibly well to positive reinforcement of the behaviors we most want. When we can remember to let them know that we appreciate and enjoy what they’re doing, kids are easily able to do even more of those things. But when we forget and begin to tell them about all the things they do that frustrate and upset us, young people are compelled to do more of those things, simply because that’s where the focus and attention is. If you want to find out more about the power of your attention, check out my former blog on just that subject. Continue reading “Working with the child mind: Saying what you DO want gets the best results”

March 17, 2010March 17, 2010

Redirecting anger in healthy ways

angry Everybody gets upset and angry sometimes and when I was young I thought that having someone near me who was angry was just about the worst thing ever. But now that I’ve grown up and gotten in touch with my own anger, I actually think there are some really great benefits of anger! You can check out my blog: The upside of anger for more details about that.

Recently in my coaching, several parents have shared their guilt over getting angry in front of their kids. I totally get it. It’s hard to keep our cool when we’re feeling really frustrated, but after we lose it, we feel guilty and concerned that we may have somehow damaged our kids. For starters let me say, you’re not doing any long term damage to your kids if you lose your temper once in a while. Kids are very resilient and amazingly able to let things go. But if this is a challenge you struggle with often, I’ve got some thoughts and ideas to help you manage your anger in a more healthy way. You can also teach your kids some of these techniques so that everyone in your family is practicing healthy expressions of anger.

The first rule of expressing anger in a healthy way is to stop directing your anger AT people. When we direct our upset at other people, we’re blaming them for our feelings. But from the perspective of Compassionate or Nonviolent Communication, we know that our feelings are caused by our own unmet needs, not by the actions of others. When we can stop blaming others and begin to take responsibility for our own emotional experience, it can be one of the most empowering experiences in life.

And just think, once you’re able to manage your own anger in a more healthy way, you can begin to teach your kids to do the very same thing! So, what can you do with your anger and frustration without directing it at other people? Continue reading “Redirecting anger in healthy ways”