Category: Conscious parenting

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Parenting outside the box: A happy divorce!?

Shelly and I spend a lot of time talking about how to do this and how to do that. We get feedback that this is helpful.

But lately, I’m getting curious about all the ways I and other parents do things completely off script, out of bounds and with little or no precedent. Outside the box, if you will.

I realize that when enough people do things “differently,” we create new norms and new trends—hence, the phrase “conscious parenting:” let’s choose what we want to create instead of just rehashing what our parents did just because it’s all we know. (We might still choose to do all or most things the same way, but choosing is different than repeating on auto-pilot!)

So, when my partner and I decided to separate, we did things very differently than most other folks I’ve met. In some ways, this came naturally, since we had a marriage that was pretty different, at least in some ways, from most. But that’s another story.
Continue reading “Parenting outside the box: A happy divorce!?”

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Parents: Eight ways to party like it’s 2009!

This article is the fifth in our Whole Life Parenting series, which offers practical tips to meet the needs of both parents and children.

Not too long ago, I went to the party of some friends. Small children buzzed, hooted, rolled, walked, cried and ran around throughout the whole party. The host said, It’s amazing how the parties have changed over the years as this group of friends has had children. We’ve just opened up into a kid-friendly space.

This, I think, is the key to having a great time at party when you have kids around—think of it as a kid-friendly space where you also get to have some grownup time—more mindful grownup time, perhaps than before you had kids, but grownup time nonetheless.

Here are eight ideas for creating parties that meet both young people’s needs and adult needs:

1. Cluster ages, mix genders. Try to invite clusters of kids close to the same age, and a mix of boys and girls. An odd child out can wind up getting left out of the social activity, or not treated as warmly as the others. Kids close to the same age will organize themselves into self-directed play. Mixed ages can also work well when older kids help supervise the younger kids, and younger kids get to look up to the older kids as role models.

2. A little bit of kid-friendly goes a long way. If you plan an activity or two just for the kids, one or two adults can supervise while the others get to interact with each other. For example, last Chanukah, I had the kids cut out cookies. After I baked them, I put the cookies and decorating supplies in a big tray, and the kids occupied themselves decorating the cookies while the grownups got to schmooze.  We always keep a kid-sized table with a box of art supplies and paper in the living room, plus a barrel of toys, so our young visitors can entertain themselves if the grownup talk gets too boring.

3. Rotate supervising grownups. Depending on the ages of the kids, you might be able to get away with rotating the supervising grownup. This often happens naturally, but it can’t hurt to ask ahead of time if folks would be willing to take a short shift supervising the kids so it doesn’t all fall on one parent.

4. Find an enclosed space, whether natural, or human-made. An open space, such as a park in a valley, or a field surrounded by a fence or forest, can provide kids with an exciting play environment, as well adults with peace of mind that the kids won’t encounter traffic.  And sometimes it’s just nice to get out of the house and commune with nature while you socialize.

5. Create a staggered party. I have held and attended a number of these. Basically, the set up is, create some specifically kid-friendly time for part of the time, followed by a transition time, followed by grownup time.  For example, you might have a weekend barbeque with 4:00 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. as designated child-friendly time, and set up your space according to some of the ideas above. Let the focus be on the kids during this time, so they can get play hard, eat well and get ready to go home. 8:00 p.m. could begin the adults-only time, and the intervening period can serve as transition. This way, guests can choose to come to either one or the other party segment, or get a taste of both by staying for the transition. Some guests might even choose to take their child home and then return.  Others might put their child to bed in an extra bedroom and continue to party!

6. Set up separate kid space. Though this doesn’t work equally well in every space, some families are fortunate enough to have a space big enough where kids can hang out separately from the adults. I went to a party where a friend had converted her attic into a playroom, and her babysitter hung out with the kids while we parents had some adult time downstairs. We all chipped in for the babysitter at the end.  Babysitting can also be a great way to get older kids involved, who might otherwise be bored or tempted toward something not good for them. It’s also a chance for them to earn a bit of money.

7. Plan a party with activities both kids and adults can enjoy. Costume parties with dancing, pumpkin carving, barbeques, henna or face-painting, music and food are all things people of walking and talking age can join in, at least on some level. There are lots of ways to cut loose without a drop of alcohol, so adults can have fun while still keeping a clear head for the kids.

 

8. Revel in the freedom of kid-friendly space. When we put kids at the center of our consciousness, tune into them, and follow their lead, we actually get a chance to drop some of the adult rules. We get to be silly, get muddy, act nonsensical, run around and maybe even get more exercise than we would if we “acted our age.” This kind of permission can renew our spirits in ways we might not even realize we missed if we don’t take the opportunities.

As a parent, you don’t have to give up having parties, and not all your parties need take  children into consideration all the time. Certainly, life with children will never be the same as before you had kids, but with a little planning, vision and intention, you can enjoy your children, and have social time with adults.

How have you been partying, if at all? Please let us know in the space below.

Party on,

Jill

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Nine ways to exercise with children

Have you been lamenting your lack of exercise? Thinking back on the days when you used to get to go to the gym, or run around your neighborhood or swim laps at the pool? Kid time is sometimes almost all our time—and the kind of “running around” we do with them doesn’t always feed our body’s need for vigorous (or gentle) and sustained exercise.

Here are some of the ways I’ve found to bring exercise back in, with activities that you and your kids both enjoy, and that give you the added benefit of that exercise you’ve been craving to round out your life, keep you physically fit, and elevate your mood. You can adapt these suggestions to your mobility level.

1. Go for a long walk outdoors. People who walk in nature report that they feel happier after a walk in the woods than they did when they started. Find a trail where you can both walk, or where you can walk and push a stroller, or where your child can run, or scoot on a scooter (a great way for them to develop coordination). A brisk walk can revitalize your and your child’s circulatory system, and a controlled dose of sunshine will do you both some good. If it’s cold, bundle up. If it’s raining, throw on ponchos.

2. Play chase. Pretend you can’t catch your child, so they can feel powerful. Then run away from them and let them “catch” you. Before you do, you might be able to run several laps around them. Depending on how long their energy lasts, you might be able to get in a good aerobic workout.

3. Go for an actual dedicated run with your child around a local track.  If you have an infant or very young child, you might be able to run pushing a stroller.  Or, if your older child runs slower, you can run circles around them, and make a game out of it. In this case, your goal will be to keep up your own pace. You can talk with them beforehand about your goals, for example, “I want to run for twenty minutes. You can run with me, let me run around you, follow on your scooter, or stay on the side where I can see you and play with your toys and books.” Did I mention it helps to bring toys and books almost anywhere? Continue reading “Nine ways to exercise with children”

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What kind of parenting life do you want? Get specific!

This article is kicks off our Whole Life Parenting series, which offers practical tips to meet the needs of both parents and children.

It’s spring. Time to think about renewal, visions, and growing the lives we want.

Do you want to have a life in addition to having a child?

I think that’s perfectly reasonable.

What do you want that life to look like?

Between school, the babysitting coop, and my work with Awake Parent, I talk to parents quite a bit.  I’ve noticed that many parents, particularly parents of young children, are pretty much consumed with parenting. Parenting is their life.

If that’s what makes you happy—cool! Congratulations on manifesting exactly what you want.

However…

If since becoming a parent you have found yourself:

  • Wanting more time with your friends
  • Not finding enough time with your spouse or partner
  • Not knowing whether or how you might be able to date or have romance or sex in your life
  • Wanting to be more caught up on your reading
  • Neglecting self-care rituals
  • Lacking exercise
  • Either giving up your boundaries too easily, or enforcing them more harshly than you’d like

And…

You would like that to be different…

…you are not alone!

Continue reading “What kind of parenting life do you want? Get specific!”

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Three benefits of being a “Show-up” dad

I just talked with a new coworker whose pictures of his beautiful family were flashing over his screen. We talked about parenting, and kids. Here’s what he said about fatherhood:

“My wife and I have very separate busy lives, but because we are both active in our daughter’s life, our relationship grows stronger.  Many times I wonder how I “turned out OK” because my father was the typical dad of his day, and I was on my own to “grow up.”  Taking an active role in helping my daughter learn new things continues to teach me about myself in return!  The ability to be a part of her life and development as a person is one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given.”

I knew what he was talking about. Media images from shows in the 50s and 60s (like “Leave it to Beaver” and “Father Knows Best” ) showed pretty segregated gender roles.  Stereotypical Dads impregnated their wives, brought home the bacon, and meted out discipline when Junior didn’t obey. Nowadays, that’s the kind of scenario someone might bring to therapy to “recover” from.

Times sure have changed.

Though economic pressures weigh heavily on most families, and segregated roles still seem to be the only viable alternative in many two-parent families I talk to, many families find ways to mix things up regardless. Some have for generations!

Here are three of the biggest benefits I see that men get when they show up and decide to take on parenting as part of who they are:

1) Wholeness. The more time men spend with their families, the more perspective and balance they feel with their outside jobs (and yes, challenge to keep that balance). This results in greater ability to relax (it’s hard to be uptight with little ones jumping on you and giggling),more of an overall sense of well-being, and greater contact with the whole of their humanity, including the part that gets to relate to others. Yes, that great guy is more than a money-making machine–he’s a warm and wonderful DAD!

2) Greater closeness with partner. If a man is partnered, and he and his partner share child responsibilities, they share a significant part of their worlds. When two people have completely separate worlds, they have less to talk about and can become more entrenched in what’s necessary to inhabit the world they spend the most time in. This was most obvious in housewife-breadwinner “Leave it to Beaver” roles of the 1950’s, but still can exert influence on families today. When those roles are more fluid, there’s more common ground to share and bond around. Families who share responsibilities also have a chance to share more intimacy.

And here’s the best thing a “Show-Up” dad gets:

3) A real relationship with his children. We get the relationships we cultivate. When we show up and take an interest in what our kids are doing, listen to them, share in their worlds and share our worlds with them in appropriate and joyful ways, (funny, it works this way with adults, too!) we form the foundation for a rich and rewarding relationship for the rest of our lives.

What do you notice and feel about fatherhood, either your own or that of someone close to you? Please tell us in the comment box below.

Warmly,

Jill

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