Whenever the same idea comes up again and again in my life, I try my best to pay attention. For me, the fact that I’ve heard the same thing said in different ways a bunch of times, especially over a short period of time, means that there’s something special I need to pay attention to. This belief has served me well over the years and brought some interesting insights.
This week the concept that keeps popping up is that the ability to tell a cohesive narrative about our lives makes all the difference in attachment and parenting. I first read the idea in “Parenting from the Inside Out” by Siegel and Hartzell and then just moments ago, I saw a video on facebook about the exact same concept. Coincidence? I think not.
OK, so the idea is that our own ability to tell a cohesive narrative about our childhood events and experiences positively impacts our ability to connect with our children. I’m not exactly sure why this is the case, but apparently researchers at UC Berkeley are actually able to predict the attachment styles of children who aren’t even born yet based on their parents narratives. Whoa!
I have always thought that personal growth and the ability to make sense of our lives through self reflection were important, but now I have hard evidence that this ability directly impacts how safe and secure my child will feel in her connection to me.
So I guess that means it’s time to take a hard look at anyplace where my personal narrative is incoherent. Well, that sounds like a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Just kidding. A better way to find out if your narrative is complete and coherent is to start telling it. Ask your spouse, friends, or family members if they’d be willing to listen to the story of your childhood. And, as you share, pay attention to the times when the story flows naturally and the times when it doesn’t. Are there long silences in which you’re frantically trying to come up with the next part? Are their pieces that don’t make logical or chronological sense?
When you discover areas of your personal narrative that still need work, just think of yourself as a master storyteller ironing out the details of the story to make it as flowing, interesting, and clearly resolved as possible. If telling your story is quite difficult for you, you may want to start by typing it out or journaling about it.
If you have no experience writing stories, that’s OK, just take a lesson from one of your child’s favorite storybooks. Every coherent story has a clear beginning, middle, and end. And there’s usually some sort of obstacle or challenge to overcome that gives the story some interest and propels the storyline forward. My favorite stories also have a lesson or moral to be gleaned.
Luckily for all of us, we can edit our narrative at any time and we then become more available for secure attachment! So let’s all work to create those cohesive narratives so that we’re even more available to connect with the young people in our lives.
If you want to take things a step further, then help your children to create a narrative of their own childhood. Ask them to tell you stories from their lives. And don’t stop asking. Often, it isn’t until they are college aged that they can fully process some of the experiences of their childhood and go on to construct a narrative about it. But one thing seems clear from the current research. Helping your children to have a cohesive narrative of their childhood experiences will make them better able to connect with their own children.
But if grandkids seem a very long way off, remember that storytelling and the ability to construct a narrative will help you and your children in more ways than one. Storytelling can help the two hemispheres of the brain work together and helps us make sense of our lives.
In “Parenting from the Inside Out” there’s a sweet story of a young girl who moves to the US from abroad and begins preschool in an English speaking preschool. The little girl only knew a few words of English and one day when she fell and hurt her knee she quickly became very upset and didn’t seem to understand where her mother was.
Luckily, the preschool teacher was aware of the power of narratives to help children understand new concepts and so she got a doll and acted out the injury. Then she acted out calling the doll’s mommy on the telephone, and finally she brought a “mommy” doll to pick up the injured doll from school. The little girl relaxed and wanted to act out the story with her teacher again and again. And when her mom arrived to pick her up, she acted out the story once again, showing her mother what had happened.
So, whether you’re introducing a new concept to your child, or just want to connect more deeply, storytelling is a magical way to help create a secure attachment. I would love to hear all about it! Please share your stories in the comment box below.
Have a great week, Shelly
