Category: Discipline

Posted on

Happy Mother’s Day! A Video Interview with Dr. Laura Markham

I recorded this video a little bit over a year ago as a part of an online eCourse I was creating, but I never finished the course and I just can’t withhold this gem of an interview any longer. So, to celebrate Mother’s Day I wanted to share this wonderful interview with Dr. Laura Markham with you.

Dr. Laura is such a fantastic resource for families and I am so happy to share her with you! I hope you enjoy the interview and I would love to hear your feedback and/or comments, so please feel free to share your thoughts below. And have a wonderful Mother’s Day. You are a gift to your family, the world, and to me. And I’m so so grateful you’re here. Love and hugs, Shelly

Have a wonderful Mother’s Day! Big hugs and love, Shelly

Posted on

4 Secrets to Effective Gentle Discipline

You’re clear that you want to be a kind, caring, and compassionate parent. You don’t want to yell or spank your kids, but sometimes it’s hard to know if gentle discipline is actually working.

There are time when your kid is completely out of control and it’s confusing to figure out what to do about it when threatening, coercing, bribing, and punishing are all off the table. But there are things you can do that will dramatically increase cooperation without the destructive effects of coercion and punishment.

1)   Keep Your Cool—

This is crucially important but MUCH easier said than done. Essentially, we’re teaching our kids emotion regulation by providing a healthy example for them. So the more we can breathe, relax, and express boundaries dispassionately, the better things will go.

If you find yourself loosing it, try disengaging from your child and take a moment to cool off in another room. It may also be helpful to name your emotions, “I’m feeling really frustrated so I’m going to go into my room for a few minutes and we’ll talk more when I’m more relaxed.”

If emotions are heated, save the conversation about why your child should follow the rules for another time. When kids are emotionally activated, they’re unable to learn anything new and you’ll just get more and more upset thinking that they’re not listening, when in reality, they’re unable to process any information because they’re so emotionally triggered.

2)   Compassion for Kids—

Recognizing that children act out because they’re hurt, confused, or struggling in some way can be a huge eye opener. Children do not want to push our buttons, no matter how much it seems like they do. Rather, they’re trying to get their needs met and they’re learning how to advocate for themselves, sometimes in ways that make us want to scream.

The truth is that a misbehaving child is asking for empathy, and understanding. They just haven’t learned very effective ways to win our support yet. So instead, they whine, hit, scream, spit, and try all sorts of ineffective strategies. Seeing these behaviors as a cry for help and an experiment can make it much easier to treat our kids with compassion when their behavior is out of control.

3)   Play—

When kids are defiant, as strange as it seems to us, they’re often expressing a need for play. By being playful with your contrary child, you can turn defiance into cooperation. But beware, what works one time is not guaranteed to work the next time. So you’ll need a whole bunch of potential games to play at any given moment. If being playful isn’t your usual MO, I’d recommend sitting down and coming up with a list of games and ways to play when you’re faced with a child who doesn’t want to cooperate. Refer to your list when you find yourself wanting to control and force your child to cooperate.

Here’s my own list of games to get you started:

  1. Play the “you better not do that!” game
  2. Pretend she doesn’t know how to do it and ask her to prove it
  3. Ask her to teach her doll how to do it
  4. Talk in a funny voice
  5. Sing a silly song about it
  6. Pretend she’s a baby and do it for her
  7. Pretend we’re animals and hop, roar, or slither our way through
  8. Put her in charge
  9. Let her know that I’ll be very surprised if I notice it’s already done
  10. Make it a race and time how long it takes

4)   Setting Clear Boundaries—

Children desperately need boundaries, but they also need a limited number of rules to follow and some amount of flexibility depending on the situation. That can make setting clear and consistent boundaries seem like some sort of unattainable nirvana of gentle discipline. Especially when it seems like they only listen to us when we lose it and yell at them. So here are my strategies for how to set consistent boundaries in a gentle way:

a) Make a short list of essential rules. These are things that are safety issues, or things that drive you batty and you will not abide. Make sure your list has no more than 5 items of these “non-negotiable” rules.

b) During a time when everyone is calm, ask your child to agree to the rules and have a discussion about why these rules are so important to you. Ask your child what she thinks of the rules and if there are any she’d like to remove or add. Really have a discussion with your child about this and be sure to let her know that while you’ll take her ideas into consideration, and you hope you can all agree, ultimately you’re the parent(s) so you’ll make the final decision on the rules for your family.

c) Do your best to make it almost impossible for your child to break the rules. For instance if your rule is “we always hold hands in the parking lot” make sure YOU take your child’s hand or wrist every time. If the rule is “no hitting the baby” provide additional supervision, space between siblings, and begin to remove the baby from the room if you notice your older child getting agitated.

d) Come up with a protocol for what you’ll do if the rule is broken. I don’t advocate any form of punishment, however, you do need to know exactly what you’ll do if the rule is broken to encourage adherence to the rule in the future and to acknowledge that the rule has been broken. Having this protocol in place can also help you keep your cool and remember that your child is simply testing the boundaries, which is a huge part of learning and understanding rules.

In the above examples you might choose to go back home because parking lots aren’t safe or you may separate the kids if hitting occurs. There are times when I have removed toys or other objects, especially when they’re dangerous and I occasionally limit my daughter’s mobility (i.e. sit by her bedroom door so that she cannot leave at bedtime) It’s up to you to decide what you’ll do based on your 5 most important rules.

e) Be more flexible with limits you’d like to set but which aren’t as essential to safety or sanity. The more freedom and autonomy your child experiences outside of the main rules, the more likely his needs for freedom will be met and he’ll choose to adhere to the major rules.

f) Address the underlying needs. Whenever kids act out it’s because they need something. When we can identify the need and address it directly, we reduce the incidents of pushing the limits and we nurture and care for our child in a way that really nurtures and supports them. For instance, often the need underneath hitting is either for space and/or touch. By checking in and either offering some alone time or snuggles, we eliminate the reason our child broke the rule in the first place.

Alright, so there you have it! I would love to know if these strategies work for you too, so please share your story or idea below.

And have a fabulous week, Shelly

Posted on

4 Rules I Never Thought I’d Have to Have

Parenting is filled with unexpected moments of delight and horror in almost equal measure as far as I can tell. Your kid tells a funny joke far beyond her years, and then she head butts you and busts your lip open.

I knew there would be unexpected challenges when I became a parent, but there have been some things that have completely shocked me. Even though I’ve been a nanny, preschool teacher, and an older sister for most of my life, the innate ability of our darling child to wreak complete havoc on our lives still astounds me.

You know I’m a big fan of setting clear boundaries and making sure everyone in our lives knows the rules. But there are a few rules we’ve had to make lately that I definitely did not expect to ever have to have.

Here they are:

1)   No eating on the toilet

We usually don’t carry snacks around the house, mostly because we have a dog who will put her tongue into your hot chocolate if you so much as turn your head away for an instant (true story). However, Julia likes to take her sweet time during meal times. From what I’ve read on the subject, eating slowly is healthier, so I’ve allowed her to meander through her meals. She often spends a full hour at the table; so inevitably, she sometimes has to use the bathroom in the middle of a meal.

It never occurred to me that she would want to bring her food with her! But, kids will be kids. They have their own ideas about things. And since eating on the toilet just isn’t sanitary, this is one rule we’ve made that I had never even considered before having a child of my own.

2)   No jumping into your underwear

Last week Julia wanted to jump into her underwear. The problem is that she has no idea how hard her head is, and very little impulse control, so when Daddy said, “No. Jumping into your underwear is not safe” she was already launching herself straight up into his face. She actually gave him a concussion when the hardest part of her head hit him right between the eyes. He saw stars and was completely altered for days afterward. It’s a week later and he’s still not completely healed. We have GOT to handle this head butting thing a.s.a.p.

3)   No nails at the dinner table

For her third birthday, Julia received some construction tools (thanks Dad!). She got a vice, I built her a workbench, and she now has her own hammer and tool belt. When I taught her how to hammer in a nail she got so excited that she wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon hammering nails. Unfortunately, after about an hour it was time to go inside for dinner.

As you know, I try my best to avoid grabbing things away from my daughter, but when I told her it was time to put the nails away she held on to them like they were crucial to her very survival. I tried to talk her through it, but she was so upset she wasn’t able to think clearly and all she knew was that holding on to those nails was essential, and I was trying to get them away.

I’ll admit, I grabbed them away, reminding her that it was a safety issue since nails are sharp and they’re definitely not allowed at the dinner table.

4) If you want to lie down in the mud, you have to take your clothes off

Lately one of Julia’s favorite backyard activities is to use her watering can to create a huge mud puddle (in a designated spot, thankfully) and then play in the mud. This is all well and good and a healthy activity, but I don’t enjoy scrubbing the mud out of her shirt, pants, and underwear on a daily basis. So I’ve made a rule that she’s welcome to play in the mud puddle, as long as she takes her clothes off first. She’s still getting used to this rule and you should see the surprised looks on her grandparents faces when she announces, “I’m allowed to put my tummy in the mud, as long as I take my shirt off first!” It’s a good thing kids are washable.

I’m sure these remind you of some of the more bizarre rules you’ve had to implement. And I could use a laugh, so I hope you’ll share some with us all. What are some rules you never thought you’d have to have?

Have a great week, Shelly

Posted on

4 Keys to Setting Boundaries That Get Respected WITHOUT Using Bribes, Threats, or Punishment

My daughter is about to turn three and her willfulness is definitely growing, as is her ability to reason and negotiate for what she wants. I wish I could say that this means that conflicts and tantrums are even further reduced, but on the contrary, it seems that her new negotiating skills simply fuel the fire of emotional upset when she doesn’t get her way.

I’ve noticed that gentle discipline is often misunderstood and mistaken for permissive parenting, however, the two are definitely not the same. Permissive parenting involves avoiding setting any rules or boundaries and definitely avoiding maintaining any. But setting clear rules and boundaries are a hallmark of gentle discipline. That’s because children desperately need rules and boundaries in order to feel safe and secure. In fact, they need rules and boundaries in order to BE safe.

Since children aren’t born with a clear understanding of all of the potential dangers we face in our modern lives, it’s crucial that we teach them rules about how to be safe in parking lots and crossing the road, as well as how to form solid bonds with other people and what to do if they get into a situation where they’re feeling worried or afraid.

I guess I was naïve to think that we’d escape completely unscathed by tantrums. I had forgotten that the threes and fours can be even more challenging than the twos when it comes to willfulness and pushing back against rules and boundaries.

But in my experience, the strongest push-backs come when we’re unclear about exactly where the boundary is. In fact, almost as soon as I’m completely clear, testing behavior is greatly reduced.

So, the first key to setting boundaries that get respected is, you guessed it:

1) Be completely clear about exactly what the boundary is and why.

When we set a rule like, “We always hold hands in the parking lot,” it’s clear to us why it’s so important as we have visions of a toddler running into oncoming traffic. There is no wiggle room here, it’s a dangerous situation and we’re determined to keep our kids safe.

We have a rule at home that we always sit while we’re eating. This is to prevent choking and to keep Julia at the table, focused on eating, rather than grabbing a bite to eat while she’s playing. This is an essential rule for us because we have dogs and cats who would like nothing better than to eat her food if she were to walk away. It also helps us keep the food in the kitchen so that I’m not cleaning up spills on the carpet.

Since I have a very clear understanding of why we have this rule, it’s easy to enforce and rarely causes any conflict. If Julia walks away from her food, I assume she’s finished and clear it away. And she knows that’s our policy, so there’s no need for any further testing.

But what about rules and boundaries that aren’t quite so clear?

On the other hand, we have a guideline that we take our shoes off when we come into the house. This one doesn’t have any huge consequences for me, so I’m more lax in enforcing it. And as a result, it gets tested.

Just the other day, my daughter tried to wear her shoes to bed. I said, “Absolutely no shoes on the bed,” (I’m clear on that!) and she pushed a little farther, saying, but it’s OK to wear shoes in the house.

A few days later, she looked over at me as she climbed onto the couch with her shoes on. She was looking for clarity about the boundary, and I provided it. “I don’t mind if you wear your shoes on the couch as long as they’re not too dirty. But no shoes on the bed, remember? And I REALLY like it best when we take our shoes off when we’re inside so that we can keep the dirt near the door.”

As I said, this is more of a guideline than a true rule, and she’s now clear about where the true boundary is, no shoes on the bed, ever.

The next key to setting boundaries that get respected is to:

2) Lovingly enforce the boundary, making it almost impossible for your child to break the rule.

Young children have very little impulse control, so if you make a rule like, “No touching the sharp knives,” and then put the knives within reach, guess what? They won’t be able to help themselves. And truly, it’s not developmentally appropriate to expect that they should.

Instead, set the boundary and then HELP your child to follow the rules by putting the knives out of reach.

If you want children to follow the rules without bribes or threats of punishment, then you need to give them an incentive.

3) Tell them why the rule exists and how you feel when it’s broken

When kids understand that rules exists to help keep them safe, healthy and happy and to maintain peace at home, they’re more likely to cooperate and work within the boundaries. That’s because children have an innate desire to be in connection with their parents and to live in a loving and peaceful environment.

So, if a rule isn’t getting respected, feel free to tell your kids how upset and frustrated you feel. “This rule exists to make our lives easier, and when you forget to put your dishes away and the dogs knock them down and break them, I feel upset because I have to clean up broken glass, someone could get cut, and we have less dishes to use next time.”

If you have any trouble with this, try using an NVC format when talking about your feelings with kids.

My final tip to setting boundaries that get respected is:

4) Reduce the number of rules as your child matures

In fact, reduce the number of rules, no matter what age your child is. Unless you’ve been practicing permissive parenting and failing to set any boundaries at all, you’re likely erring on the side of “more rules are better.” However, this makes it hard for kids to remember and follow all of the rules.

I find it’s much more effective to set just a few hard and fast rules and then to follow my own internal reference system about when things are OK and when things are not OK with me. It’s all right to let a child know that usually that’s fine, but right now you’re just not able to deal with the noise or the mess or having them help you cook.

When children know that there are just a few rules that are always in place, they’re able to remember them and work within those boundaries. But when the number of rules gets, ehem, “unruly,” kids have a really hard time keeping it all straight. Plus, they begin to feel micro-managed and then they lash out in frustration at not having enough freedom and autonomy.

So, your homework this week if you choose to accept it, is to sit down and write down your top 3-5 rules and boundaries. The ones you absolutely MUST have in order to maintain peace and safety. And remember, the most important rule of parenting is to maintain a healthy connection with your child, so if any of these rules seem to undermine connect, re-think them pronto.

I would love to know whether you found this article helpful and I always enjoy your contributions through comments. Please share your thoughts and stories!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

Posted on

4 Ways to Make Sure Kids Know You’re On Their Side

Kids have a different way of thinking about life and their experiences than we adults do. They have a tendency to blame themselves for other people’s behavior. And they often make up wildly inaccurate reasons for why things happen the way they do. That’s all perfectly normal and experience will eventually show them that they’re not responsible for their brother’s broken arm or for a huge snowstorm.

But sometimes it can be difficult for a child to distinguish between friend and foe from moment to moment, even in their own home. One minute we’re their hero because we let them have a special treat, then next, we’re the enemy who won’t allow them to go to the party, or draw on the walls, or run naked through the house.

And when a child thinks her parent is the enemy, the connection suffers and the child is less likely to cooperate in the future. That’s a huge reason why research has shown that punishment is actually counterproductive. Sure, it lessens the incidents of the offense when kids are in our presence, but overall, punishments teach kids to hide their actions, figure out ways not to get caught, and live a more secretive life.

If you want your kids to adhere to certain rules because they see the value of those rules, connection is the key and punishment is a losing strategy. So how can we be sure our children know that we’re on their side, even if we won’t let them do everything they want to do?

Here are four ways to be sure your kids know that you’re a team:

1)   Sit side by side

When we’re across from each other, we have a tendency to be more antagonistic, we often feel defensive, protective and fearful in this position, especially if the other person is larger, has more power, and is upset about something. Instead, try sitting side by side, which encourages teamwork and helps us feel like we’re working together to solve a problem.

2)   Help them win their argument

Help them win their argument—When a child is arguing his position it’s easy to produce a stronger argument or to simply say no. Instead, try helping your child to strengthen his argument. Give him insider tips to how to convince you to change your mind. And if it’s something you can wiggle on, allow your child to win the argument and convince you to change your mind. This gives kids a sense of power and accomplishment and it teaches them that you’re willing to work WITH them, rather than against them.

3)   Offer empathy

When your child is upset about something, don’t try to convince her out of her feelings, instead, reflect those feelings back to her so that she knows you understand. “Wow, you’re really upset about that. It sounds like you’re feeling sad right now, is that right?” When your child is having big feelings, avoid explaining your position, convincing her to feel differently, minimizing her feelings, or changing the subject. And make sure your child knows that it’s OK to feel the way she feels and that emotions are a normal and natural part of life.

4)   Explain the reason for the rules

If your child questions the rules, explain them to him. Do this only if your child is reasonably relaxed but is curious. “The reason we always hold hands when crossing the street is because there’s safety in numbers. If you fell down, I could help you up. And since I’m taller than you, people driving cars can see me more easily and they’re less likely to accidentally hit you. I want you to be safe, so that’s why we always hold hands when crossing the street.” Avoid pat phrases like, “because I said so” as they don’t give a child any additional information and they imply that you can arbitrarily set rules for no logical reason. From a child’s perspective this can seem much more like a dictatorship than a team.

By using these four strategies, you can help your child learn to trust that you’re on their side and that even when you’re enforcing rules that they don’t like, you’re doing it for the good of the family, and not just because you wan them to suffer.

I’m curious, have you used these strategies before? Do you think they’ve helped you maintain a closer connection to your child? Or are you struggling to resist the urge to punish your kids? I would love to hear about your experience. Please share your thoughts below.

And have a wonderful week!

Warmly, Shelly

Proudly powered by WordPress