I can do it myself! – Page 3

December 1, 2010December 8, 2010

Busy bodies

One afternoon when I was about six or seven I saw my mom sitting in the living room staring off into space. “Wacha doin’?” I asked. “Nothing.” She replied calmly. “Nothing?!” I thought, NOTHING??!!! How could someone not be doing a thing? That was impossible. Hmmm.” As I looked at her she seemed peaceful and happy and whole, so I figured that maybe, just maybe, not doing anything was an all right thing to do.

The older I get, the more I try to be like my mom in that moment. Not the checked out staring off into nothingness part (although that’s kinda nice sometimes), but the part of her that is able just to sit, and contemplate life, and enjoy the present moment. The more years I get under my belt, the more I appreciate just being. And the less I think that it’s the “doing” that will define me in other people’s minds (or in their memory of me once I’m gone). Not that doing is a bad thing; in fact I quite like doing things. But remembering just to be; And to be peaceful and joyful as I go about my daily life.

This is a foreign concept to kids, or at least it was to me as a kid. I just wanted to learn new things and grow and reach out in every way I could. To just sit and breathe was the last thing on my mind. You see, the thing is, kids are busy bodies. I’m not sure exactly what it is about being young that makes us want to figure everything out as quickly as possible, or even gives us the notion that anything ultimately CAN be figured out. But regardless of what drives them, young people are notoriously busy “getting into things”. Continue reading “Busy bodies”

November 11, 2010November 11, 2010

The magic question

Are you wanting more ease and cooperation from your kids this week? I have a magic question that will get you exactly that. One great thing about this question is that it also works well with other adults. Another wonder of this magic question is that when people ask you this question you feel honored, cared for, and free to say yes or no.

This question empowers you and your loved ones to communicate openly, honestly, and freely. It can even help you learn more about your children and their motivations. OK, are you ready for it? The magic question is, “Would you be willing to ____?” Variations on this question might be “Would you?” “Could you?” or “Will you please?”

But a huge part of the magic of the question is that it’s a true request. When you ask, “Would you be willing to help me carry in the groceries?” you’re actually asking for help, not demanding it. So be careful with the variations unless you’re sure you’re truly asking. Sometimes our demands can be subtle and veiled, but they’re demands none-the-less.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of demanding and ordering kids around, especially when they’re resistant and uncooperative. “Brush your teeth” “Put on your shoes, we’re leaving” and “Stop hitting your sister” are the kinds of demands most kids experience daily. If you’ve fallen into the habit of making lots of demands of your kids, you’re not alone. The problem is that the more we demand, the less kids want to cooperate. And the less kids cooperate, the more we demand. It’s a vicious cycle, but you have the power to change the dynamics substantially, just by asking the magic question and being OK with whatever the answer is. Continue reading “The magic question”

July 1, 2010July 5, 2010

The development of will

Time Out What’s it like to be a 2-4 year old? (an excerpt from my soon to be released ebook!)

As an infant and young toddler your child saw himself as an extension of you. He had very little sense of distinction between himself and his parents. In fact, if you think about it you can understand why this would be so. Just as we lift our own hand to our mouth if we want to put some food in it- your hand has automatically put food in your baby’s mouth every time he’s been hungry since his birth! When he needs something, you provide it, so in a way, and in his mind, you’re an extension of him.

Now that he’s older he’s developing more complex language. He’s learning to distinguish between “yours” and “mine”. Well if there’s a “yours” and a “mine” there must be a “you” and a “me”. Now your child begins to see himself as a separate entity with desires, hopes, dreams, and thoughts all his own! Wow, what an exciting discovery.

A Stronger Will: Unmet needs for choice

Along with the discovery of self, your child is feeling stronger desires than ever before and she’s discovering her personal power. She’s realizing for the first time that she can affect the outcome of a given situation. Sure, when she was a baby, she realized that she could move a ball from here to there- but now she’s discovered that she can affect your behavior and have some control over the social dynamics in your home. This is a huge step in social development. She’s gone from a helpless being, who is happy to do whatever you want- to a willful child with a mind of her own. And this is ultimately a good thing- although the transition can be extremely difficult for us. Sometimes we just want that sweet little baby back (and that’s completely normal)!

If you consider your job as a parent to be raising a capable, independent, and contributing adult, then you can see this phase as a milestone toward that goal. Now that your child has an ego, strong desires, and a stronger will she can really get things accomplished that she never could before. Now is a wonderful time to help her develop a sense of responsibility by giving her more freedom coupled with, you guessed it, responsibility.

Easier said than done, right? Continue reading “The development of will”

February 3, 2010March 3, 2012

Stimulating young minds

Learning doesn’t just happen at school. You can stimulate your child’s mind at home with these simple activities:

Sometimes when kids seem to need a lot of extra attention, are bugging you constantly to watch TV and movies, or are generally in your face 24/7, they might actually be asking for more intellectual stimulation. When kids get bored, they turn to you for help, but they might not know exactly what they’re wanting.

If you think this might be what’s happening in your household, I’ll give you some ideas and examples of simple things you can do to stimulate your child’s mind, support more independence, and encourage self-directed activities.

First, consider your child’s favorite things. Does she love dinosaurs, dolls, horses, or art? Does he enjoy cooking or playing in the sandbox? These preferences can inform which kinds of activities your child will enjoy right now. Let’s say she’s into dinosaurs. She loves to play with her dinosaurs and sometimes corrects you when you call them by the wrong name.

So, how can you create an engaging, self-directed activity that will build on your child’s knowledge and encourage her to learn even more about dinosaurs?

If you have a book in which dinosaurs are classified into carnivores and herbivores, you can create a fun activity that she can do on her own. If you combine her basket of dinosaurs and the book about carnivores/herbivores, add a green piece of construction paper on which you will write “Herbivores” and a red piece of paper on which you will write, “Carnivores” you have a fun game! Just show her how to set out each piece of paper, choose a dinosaur from the basket, look in the book to check whether this dinosaur is a carnivore or a herbivore, put the dinosaur on the appropriate piece of paper and then choose another dinosaur!

When she has classified all of her dinosaurs she can come get you and you can discuss her reasoning. Be careful not to correct your child’s work at this point. The idea is to encourage self directed activity that is intellectually stimulating and if she thinks she’s going to get a “bad grade” at the end, there’s no motivation to do the activity again. However, if you sit with her and ask questions like, “Wow, I’m confused, I thought a stegosaurus was a carnivore, how did you know it’s an herbivore?” then she gets to teach you, and teaching is an even more stimulating way to learn something.

Another idea for a pre-reader is to make small paper signs that say things like door, mop, sink, book, ball, table. Put tape on the back of each and then invite your child to find the items and tape the signs on. Pretty soon, your child will begin to recognize words even before he’s able to read!

You can also adapt this activity by using a basket of miniature items and laminated cards with words on them for beginner readers. Easy words like dog, cat, and hat can be matched up with a tiny toy dog, cat, or hat. Kids love these types of matching games and they learn while they play!

To make this game easier for a child who’s not reading yet, create sets of cards. First, create two matching cards each with a sticker, picture or drawing of a cat and write the word cat below. Now cut the word off of the second set of cards. Now you have three sets of cards- a control set with pictures and words, a set with pictures only and a set with words. Show your child how to match up the control set with the other sets. Again, remember, it’s not important that they get it right, it’s just important that they’re engaged and having fun with it! I find that it helps to do this activity at a table or on a small rug on the floor so that their workspace is contained.

I hope that some of these ideas have sparked your creativity and your desire to stimulate your child’s mind. Please write to me with your thoughts, other ideas, questions, and stories about how these activities work for you!

Big hugs, Shelly

November 18, 2009March 3, 2012

Simple changes at home can help kids feel comfortable and capable

When I worked in Montessori schools I was consistently amazed at how happy, engaged, and capable the kids in my class were. This got me thinking, “If kids can be this self-sufficient and joyful in a classroom, then why not at home too?!” I’ve noticed that young people often feel frustration at living in a an adult-centered world. I can remember feeling irritated about not being able to see over the counter, or out the car window (before the advent of booster seats).

Although young people make up a significant portion of our population, they don’t pay the bills, so they usually aren’t catered to in the way that adults are. Most furniture is not built to accommodate them. There are often no stools provided where needed, especially in public.

Even going to the bathroom in a public restroom and washing one’s hands can be quite difficult for a person with a small body. Doors are large and too heavy; tools are too big for their hands… I think you get the idea.

So if there’s a place where a child can find solace from these frustrations, I hope it will be their home. I would be inspired to live in a world where a child’s home is a place where she can reach the counter top, make herself a snack, and take care of her personal hygiene easily. I’ve found that when young people are given the tools they need to be able to have these freedoms, they are more peaceful and often much more responsible. Trusting young people to care for themselves and giving them the necessary tools to do so, fosters a sense of self-care, self approval and healthy pride.

Consider the daily activities of the child in your home. What does he do and what would make his tasks easy to accomplish without asking for adult intervention? Is there a convenient place for him to hang his coat when he enters his home? (Tip: for very young children, a low hook is the easiest place for a jacket) Can he reach the sink easily for hand washing? Are there art activities, games, puzzles and books that are within easy reach? Does your child have comfortable furniture that fits his body?

Ask your kids what changes they’d like to see in their home environment. And consider what changes would ultimately make things easier for all family members. For instance, if children’s dishes are where they can reach them and they know where the carrot sticks are and that carrots are an acceptable snack, they can simply let you know what they’re doing (or not, depending on your house rules), without needing you to stop what you’re doing and fix them a snack. Also, consider asking older children to help younger children. Requesting the help of your older child (without demanding) can foster teamwork and interdependence between siblings.

Ultimately, your children want to feel capable and supported in their home, and although that might require some rearranging and consideration, it’s not much work to provide possibilities for autonomy and it’s almost no work for you once they know how to care for themselves! So, take a look around your home this week to be sure that everyone in your family has access to:

Water (for drinking and washing)
Food
Clean clothing
Warm clothing
Books/toys/art supplies
Towels and cleaning supplies
Art at eye level
Full-length mirror in bedroom
Things to nurture like a plant or a pet

So, I hope you’ll use this list as a guide, and talk with your child about what sort of changes would make life at home easier, more fun, and more equitable. When we honor children by taking the time and making the effort to accommodate their needs, they feel treasured in ways they can’t even express. But I’m sure you’ll notice the difference! I’d love to hear about how simple changes around the house have made a difference in your kids lives. Please leave us a comment below.