Today I want to share something I learned from NLP (otherwise known as neuro-linguistic programming) called a “state change”. We’re always in some sort of emotional state, whether happy, sad, excited, or frustrated. And often it feels like we’re at the whim of our emotions. When I’m frustrated it seems like there is no way to transform the frustration into something else. But there is! We can consciously create a “state change” in ourselves and often in others, pretty much any time we want!
The development of will
What’s it like to be a 2-4 year old? (an excerpt from my soon to be released ebook!)
As an infant and young toddler your child saw himself as an extension of you. He had very little sense of distinction between himself and his parents. In fact, if you think about it you can understand why this would be so. Just as we lift our own hand to our mouth if we want to put some food in it- your hand has automatically put food in your baby’s mouth every time he’s been hungry since his birth! When he needs something, you provide it, so in a way, and in his mind, you’re an extension of him.
Are you speaking a different love language?
When I discovered “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman my world was turned upside down…in a good way. Chapman’s theory is that there are five primary love languages and that each of us tends to have one language we give and receive love in the most often and the most easily. He says that often people are trying to express love, but those efforts are not getting received as love by the other person. This struck a chord for me particularly in my relationship with my dad.
After learning more about these five languages, I began to realize that although I had spent much of my life thinking that my dad didn’t love me as deeply as I wanted him to, in reality, he’d been loving me all along, I just hadn’t recognized his efforts as love!
Giving kids power helps them cooperate
If you’re noticing that your kids are having a difficult time cooperating or listening or generally following your lead, first let me remind you, you’re not alone. Lots of parents go through this difficulty every day. I know it can be super frustrating when you’re just trying to get things done, or get to the store, or follow the rules, and your child is fighting you every step of the way.
One way to encourage cooperation from kids is to designate some time each week (or day) where they get to be in charge. Somehow by allowing kids to take the lead for even 10 minutes a day, you’ll find that they’re much more willing to allow you to take the lead for the rest of the time. There are several ways you can do this.
Redirecting anger in healthy ways
Everybody gets upset and angry sometimes and when I was young I thought that having someone near me who was angry was just about the worst thing ever. But now that I’ve grown up and gotten in touch with my own anger, I actually think there are some really great benefits of anger! You can check out my blog: The upside of anger for more details about that.
Recently in my coaching, several parents have shared their guilt over getting angry in front of their kids. I totally get it. It’s hard to keep our cool when we’re feeling really frustrated, but after we lose it, we feel guilty and concerned that we may have somehow damaged our kids. For starters let me say, you’re not doing any long term damage to your kids if you lose your temper once in a while. Kids are very resilient and amazingly able to let things go. But if this is a challenge you struggle with often, I’ve got some thoughts and ideas to help you manage your anger in a more healthy way. You can also teach your kids some of these techniques so that everyone in your family is practicing healthy expressions of anger.