Feelings – Page 6 – Awake Parent

November 4, 2009March 5, 2012

The art of conscious ignoring

Photo by Juliet Cook

I’ve talked a lot here about giving kids attention but I haven’t yet shared about the art of conscious ignoring. Well, I really do think there’s a time and place for everything and ignoring your kids can sometimes be the best choice in a given moment.

For instance, if you’re about to escalate a conflict, yell at them, curse, or otherwise treat them in ways you don’t want to, try ignoring instead. By ignoring their behavior, you’re sending the message, I don’t like what you’re doing and you won’t get my attention by behaving in that way.

Often whether they know it or not, what kids are most wanting when they act in the most extreme ways, is your attention. So, by removing your attention in the moments when you know you can’t respond responsibly, or in the times when you feel that giving them negative attention will just fuel the fire, you can actually create more calm and promote better behavior from your kids.

Obviously this is not a strategy to use very often, and if your tendency is to withhold your attention, watch out. What I’m talking about here is making a conscious choice to ignore, as the best choice among others in your repertoire; not getting in the habit of automatically taking away your attention to coerce kids to behave in ways we want them to. My point is that we all have times when if we had just been able to turn away rather than engage in an old unhealthy pattern, things would have turned out better. Continue reading “The art of conscious ignoring”

October 14, 2009March 3, 2012

The upside of anger

OK, I’ll admit it, I haven’t seen the movie, The Upside of Anger, but I have experienced the benefits of anger for myself. I know it sounds strange, but hear me out.

As a young child I was terrified of anger. I was pretty much convinced that anger was the exact opposite of love and I did whatever I could to avoid the wrath of my parents. My theory about anger was proven right when I saw my parents who were often angry at each other eventually stop loving each other and divorce. So I resolved never to induce anger in others and also never to express it. You see, I’m all about the love and since anger was the opposite of love it had to go.

Everything seemed to go smoothly as I grew up, I focused on the positive, shoved my anger down and put on a happy face. And people seemed to like it. I was pleasant to be around, made friends easily, and got lots and lots of positive feedback.

Fast-forward twenty years… Continue reading “The upside of anger”

September 23, 2009March 2, 2012

Conscious Despair

A lot of these tips sound great in theory, right? And anything is possible when we’ve got our wits about us. But what about those times when we’re really just about to fall into despair? (Or have already fallen?)

I confess: I’ve called Shelly and said, “Help! I feel like a hypocrite–here I am writing and teaching about parenting stuff and I’m about to lose it myself!”

Granted, I may feel more challenged with some of my child’s ways than other parents do with their children. But I think many of us at least once in a while find ourselves at–or over–the brink of despair when we most need energy to cope.

I’m learning that “losing it” can be an important part of the process. Certainly, if it’s happening, it’s part of the process no matter what. I’ve talked recently about How to be in charge and still stay connected, as well as Imagining ahead of time how things will go.

Now I want to say a few words about what to do with some of our own more unsettling emotions, like despair.

The other night I was doing my usual juggling act of trying to clean the kitchen, feed my son, and not forget to feed myself (he eats so few things our dinners are almost always separate). It had been a hard day, and I was trudging along, doing what needed to be done.

As occasionally happens, he complained loudly about the food. That did it. I just didn’t have anything else in me to respond. So, I did what I’ve watched others do, but never had the nerve to do myself: I went limp. I said, “I can’t deal with this.” And I went into my room, closed the door and lay down.

Wow–what a moment. For once, I didn’t “make it okay.” It made me realize how much energy I spend all the time trying to “make it okay,” and here I was feeling not at all okay. And my son knew it.

Continue reading “Conscious Despair”

September 16, 2009March 2, 2012

Free audio Tele-seminar with Shelly and Shera

Did you hear about my tele-seminar with Shera Davis on September
2nd? It was so much fun and we got to answer some specific
questions from parents like you about how to handle tantrums
lovingly. Shera’s insights and suggestions were fantastic!

Because I appreciate you and enjoy having you as a member of Awake
Parent Perspectives I’d like to offer you free access to the
recording of the tele-seminar. Take some time out today to listen
and discover:

-The two biggest unmet needs your child desperately starves for
-A lesson Mary Poppins would be proud of — and how you can use it
-How you can prevent melt-downs before they happen. (It takes only
five minutes a day
-Three strategies for handling the non-stop “why” questions – get
the relief you need
-The most powerful way of showing your child you love them
unconditionally – an invaluable bonding experience
-What’s really ticking you off in heated situations? Use the
H.A.L.T. formula to find out.

Check out the recording of the tele-seminar here:
Listen here

To download a copy, right-click and choose ‘save as’:
Shera & Shelly Tele-seminar

And if you want even more in-depth information on these topics
including support materials that will help you integrate these new
tools into your life, check out the Perspectives on Feelings Audio
Program. It comes with a workbook, transcript, and an 11 week
email course that will walk you through the exercises and help you
relate to your child’s big feelings in a whole new way.

Thanks for being with us! Warmly, Shelly

September 2, 2009March 2, 2012

One simple trick for hard times: Imagine how you want it to go

It’s finally hitting my son—he has two homes now. He’s struggling to make sense of it, and sometimes lashing out at me. I mean really lashing out—hitting, telling me he doesn’t live with me any more, and that I’m not part of his family. I’ve been thrown for more loops than I can count in a very short period of time. And it’s always like a surprise kick in the gut.

I realized I was kind of going victim about it all. I was seeing these scenario’s as something that was “happening to” me—I was not helping create them, but just reacting to them—in very knee-jerk, disempowered ways: impotent rage, fighting him in petty power struggles, taking it personally, and giving up and getting depressed.

Finally it dawned on me: I could create exactly the scenario I wanted. Continue reading “One simple trick for hard times: Imagine how you want it to go”