Category: Parenting tips

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5 Habits that Make Parenting Easier

Parenting can be the most wonderful and the most challenging experience of our lives. Things that used to seem easy, like getting to an appointment on time or grocery shopping can become all but impossible. We can easily slip into bad habits that create tension, power struggles, and conflict with the very people with whom we most want to connect, our family members.

The good news is that there are also some really good and positive habits that you can begin to practice that will make every aspect of parenting easier and more fun. And once you’ve engrained these into your life, the daily struggle becomes far more bearable and the moments of joy and ease continue to increase.

Here’s a list of the five habits I most rely upon to make my life as a parent easier. These habits help promote cooperation, connection, and may even get you some down time, imagine that!

1)  Warnings for EVERY transition

If there is one thing that makes time with children easier, it’s offering warnings about upcoming events. I know it sounds simple, but it really makes a huge impact.

When I started working with kids as a nanny, I didn’t have this habit, but I soon learned its value when my time with children went from a constant battle at every transition to a smooth and easy transition almost every time.

The trick is to get into the habit of offering a 10 minute, 5 minute and 1 minute warning before EVERY transition. About to have dinner? Offer warnings. Headed out to the store? Warnings. Almost bath time? Warnings.

When you get into the habit of offering these warnings about upcoming transitions, children learn that they don’t have to immediately stop what they’re doing. Instead, they have the opportunity to wind down their play or art project and they are often able to get on board with the next item on the agenda. And even when they’re not able to say yes to a trip to the grocery store, at least they feel honored and respected by your attentiveness and dedication to the warning system.

 2) Regular Sleep Schedules

Sleep deprivation is a very real culprit when it comes to maintaining a positive mood and being willing to cooperate with others. This is true both for you and for your kids. When we are sleep deprived, we’re just not as resourceful, happy, or able to adjust. And kids need a LOT of sleep.

My favorite book on sleep is “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” by Elizabeth Pantley. One of the many things I love about this book is that it contains charts so that you can get into the habit of recording your child’s sleep. What I like about this is that it can be a reality check. You may think your 3 year old doesn’t need a nap any more, but depending on how much nighttime sleep she’s getting, she very well may. There’s a great chart in the book that lists the amount of sleep children need based on their age and how most kids break up their total sleep between nighttime sleep and naps.

The great thing about getting into a regular sleep schedule is that your child’s body will learn when naptime and bedtime are and getting them to sleep becomes easier. My daughter will often even say, “I’m tired, I think it’s naptime Mommy.” We rarely have a struggle at bedtime and I think that’s because our routine is so consistent that it just seems like sleep time around 7pm.

 3) Gratitude, Kindness, & Appreciation

It’s easy to fall into the trap of negativity, always pointing out the things our children are doing wrong, but this habit rarely helps a child snap out of it. In fact, by putting attention on the things we don’t want, we’re actually conditioning our kids to do more of those things. After all, that’s what gets them the attention they so desperately need. You see, children don’t consciously distinguish between positive and negative attention. They just know on some fundamental level that they need attention, and either kind will suffice.

But when we can get into the habit of appreciating what we do like, noticing the things we’re grateful for, and treating our kids with gentle kindness, they blossom before our eyes. I don’t mean we should ignore bad behavior entirely, just that when kindness and appreciation are our habit, we’ll naturally get more of the behavior we want and less of what we don’t want.

That’s because children are hard wired to seek our approval, after all, they rely upon us for their very survival. They deeply WANT us to be pleased with them, even in the times when it seems like they’re doing everything they can to push our buttons. So, instead of seeing the boundary pushing as an attempt to rattle you, begin to see it as a request for connection and safety. Your child is saying, “Will you still love me, even if I misbehave?”

The more we can reassure our kids that they are innately wonderful and deeply loved and appreciated, the less they’ll need to test or challenge us at every turn. Of course, there’s a certain aspect of testing behavior that is just personality based. Some kids will push our boundaries more frequently, regardless of how often we remind them that they are unconditionally loved. And most kids are incredibly sensitive to our energy and will know just how sincere our appreciation and acknowledgment really is. I think that kids who test us more often just need even more gratitude, appreciation, and acknowledgment for the qualities that we most enjoy.

4)  Asking for Help

I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to do it all myself by default. I somehow think that it’s normal to do child-care, buy the groceries, put them away, clean the kitchen, cook a healthy meal, feed my family, put away the leftovers, and play a game with my daughter while I’m doing the dishes. That. Is. Not. Normal. Or at least it shouldn’t be.

Yes, you may be a stay at home mom or dad or a single mom or dad. You might not have family members that live nearby. But no matter what your circumstances, the old adage, “It takes a village to raise a child,” is still true. We MUST get into the habit of asking for help. And that includes asking our kids for help.

Believe me when I tell you that it’s in your child’s best interest to be a contributing member of your household. And if you do have a partner at home, it’s crucially important that you ask for support when you need it, and sometimes even when it would just be really nice. A recent study found that couples who did chores together were more satisfied with the division of labor and had greater marital satisfaction than couples who did chores separately.

And if you don’t have a partner at home, developing the habit of asking for help is key to your survival. By asking friends and family members to help you, you’re expanding your circle of connections and offering people the opportunity to contribute to you. That’s exactly what creates a feeling of community and helps you keep your sanity. Yes, sometimes it’s difficult to ask for help. Do it anyway.

5) Daily Snuggles

Maybe this is my primary love language, physical touch, speaking here, but snuggling up with my daughter is one of the highlights of my day, every day. By making daily snuggles a habitual part of our daily routine we both fill up our love tanks and remember what’s important to us. When her little arms reach around my neck and she says, “Mommy, I love you TOO much!” I simply melt. These moments are what make all the hard work, sacrifice, stress, and difficulty of parenting 100% worth it.

Make sure you get your tank filled on a daily basis. And if you’re not sure what it is that fills up your tank, think about the moments when everything feels good and right. And make more of those moments. Build them into your day so that they become a habit. And then go back to those wonderful moments in your mind, whenever you start to feel stressed or freaked out.

So, there you have it, my five habits to help make your parenting journey easier and more enjoyable for everyone. I hope they work as well for you as they do for me!

Have a fantastic week and please share your own ideas for habits that make parenting easier.

Photo by Heidi Thomas Thomasandvelophotography.com

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6 Little Known Ways to Get Kids to Bathe

Some kids love bath time and can’t wait to get in the tub every time you suggest it. Others fall on the spectrum from disinterested to downright frightened of baths. If you’re having trouble getting your kids to bathe, try these counter intuitive tips to make bath-time easier and more enjoyable for everyone.

1) Limit the amount of toys—

Less is more. Trust me on this one. Adding just one or two types of items, rather than every bath toy you own will increase the joy and ease of bathtime. Reducing the number of toys keeps kids more interested in each item over the long-term because they don’t habituate as quickly and get bored with the toys.

And since they’re not so overwhelmed by a bath full of toys, they actually have room to move and play. If your child is in the habit of dumping everything into the tub, you may need to do two things. First, separate the bath toys into subsets, each in their own small plastic bin or basket. Second, have a conversation with your child about the new routine and hold the line. “You may choose one basket of toys for each bath and save the rest for another bath.”

2) Encourage self-care in other areas—

Install a full-length mirror and offer a hand mirror so your child can begin to notice his appearance. Instead of wiping her face, hand her a wet cloth and help her to a mirror. Then leave. Staring at children rarely gets them to do what we want.

But allowing them to explore, observe, and clean their own bodies helps kids develop an internally motivated sense of personal hygiene. It also helps to provide child sized items like brushes and combs that are easily accessible for self-care.

3) Offer activities or themes (ONLY if this is fun for you)—

Bubbles, bath crayons, dinosaurs, water pump, water mill, cups and pitchers, glow sticks. Or suggest that your child decide on a theme. And remember #1, just one of these items is more powerful than lumping them all together. This makes each bath a unique and exciting experience, rather than the same old thing night after night. But, if this feels more like an obligation than a party, stop. Your job is to get your kid clean, not to constantly entertain them.

4) Make it a shorter bath—

Make bath-time more in demand when you limit the length of each bath to 30 minutes or less. By stopping bath before your child is tired of it, you’re increasing the likelihood that she’ll get excited about the next bath. Sure, you might have some tears or upset as you finish up, but nighttime tears are pretty common, normal and healthy, and right now your aim is to consistently get your child into the bath without a fuss.

5) Ask your child to wash a doll, toy, or item of clothing—

I got this advice from my friend who designs corner baths UK style and I’m constantly amazed at how well it works to take the pressure off of my daughter and ask her instead to play the role of the teacher. By asking your kids to do a task, help out, show you how, or teach a doll how to wash, you’re no longer putting pressure on them to bathe, instead, you’re inviting them to be the one in charge of the washing. For young people, being the knowledgeable one who’s in charge is often an irresistible role to play.

6) Bathe less often—

When children feel forced to have a bath on a nightly basis, they tend to rebel. But when given options of taking a bath once every few nights, kids are far more likely to agree. Again, you’re making the bathing experience more fun and novel. Note: this does go against some popular advice about bedtime routines. However, for us, the bath is an optional part of our bedtime routine and everything else is consistent.

So, if you sometimes struggle to get the kids in the bath, try one or more of these tips and let me know how it goes. And if you have any other suggestions, feel free to share them in the comments section. These are by no means the only ways to encourage baths with reluctant kiddos.

Have a fabulous week full of clean kids!

Warmly, Shelly

Photo Credit: DIONNA RAEDEKE

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7 Secrets to Getting Kids to Clean Up Joyfully

Getting kids to clean up after themselves can be quite a battle. They’re really good at making messes, but when we ask them to clean up, they look at us like we’ve just spoken Swahili. Trust me, they’re not trying to be annoying. They really are confused about how to go about it and they definitely don’t like to be told what to do or forced to do something that’s no fun.

So how can you help your child learn to pick up her toys or put his clothes in the hamper? I’ve got 7 secrets to getting kids to clean up that will completely change the dynamics and turn clean up into a fun time to be had by all.

But there is a catch. Secret #1 was one of the most challenging transformations I’ve ever experienced. You’re ahead of the game if this one is easy for you…

1)  Clean up joyfully yourself

Enjoying cleaning tasks has not been easy for me, but when I realized that I was grumbling every time I had to vacuum, hated to sweep, and despised dusting, I knew that something needed to change.

First of all, I was making myself miserable over tasks that would need to be done and revisited every week for the rest of my life. And secondly, how could I expect my child to clean up joyfully if I couldn’t do that myself?

So, I read, “Peace is Every Step” by Thich Nhat Hanh and I decided to see cleaning tasks as a sort of daily meditation. I was determined to enjoy myself. And now I do genuinely enjoy cleaning. Some days are easier than others, but if you struggle with this, take it from me, you CAN change your mindset about cleaning. And once you do, getting your kids to join you will be much easier.

2)  Invite, don’t force

Nobody likes to be forced to do anything. And the sooner we recognize that children are exactly the same as adults in this regard, the sooner we’ll come up with more effective strategies to help kids want to clean up.

Imagine you’re over at a friends house and she hands you a towel and says, “You used the dishes, so now you have to dry the dishes.” Not very compelling is it?

But what if your friend said, “Would you please help me dry these dishes? I really like to get them put away right after the meal whenever possible. Do you mind?” Now you’re jumping up and pitching in, right? It pretty much always feels better to be asked and invited than to be told and forced. Want them to put their dirty clothes in the hamper? Try asking nicely! You’ll be shocked at how cooperative your kids can be when they’re invited to step up.

3)  A place for everything and everything in it’s placeMontessori shelves

I know, I know, it’s a total cliché. But the thing is, this really works well for kids. When a child knows exactly where to put the puzzle, it’s far more likely to make it back to the shelf.

In fact, for kids, I find that shelves work really well. Arranging their toys and activities so that they can be easily seen, accessed, and then put away can drastically increase the harmony in your home. Here’s a photo of our “work shelves” and bookshelf where Julia can find a wide variety of books and activities and put them away independently. And since we’ve been working on this skill since she could walk, it’s just second nature to her now to put things back when she’s finished with them.

 

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4)  Create a consistent routine with clearly defined steps

So how did we make it second nature? We were consistent. We have a rule that we only get out one or two things at a time and we clean those up before we choose new work. At two and a half, my daughter still needs some reminders, but it’s not a power struggle, I simply remind her that she has work out and tell her that I’ll hold on to the new activity while she cleans up the old one.

And since she knows exactly where her work belongs, she’s empowered to clean up quickly and get to the next item she’d like to explore.

But what if you haven’t established such a strict rule about how many items can be out at a time? Then you need to create a clear step by step guide for your child about exactly how to clean up a big mess.

For example, if you tell a child to “clean your room,” you get that blank stare. But if you say, “Here’s a basket, first pick up everything off the floor and either put it away or put it into this basket. Next find a place for each item in the basket. After that, make the bed. Don’t know how to make the bed? I’ll show you and we can do it together. Next, use this duster to clean the dust off of your dresser and nightstand. Last, use the carpet sweeper or vacuum to clean the floor. And then you’re done!”

After a few times of going through this routine with your child, he’ll remember the steps and won’t need as much help or supervision.

5)  Make it a game

Whenever I encounter my own resistance to cleaning, I try to make it more fun by putting on some music I enjoy. This works with kids too, you can have a cleaning dance party. But sometimes even a simple game like counting the items as you put them into a basket can be enough to encourage a young child to pitch in.

If simple counting isn’t working anymore, try a more complex game like, I Spy or wind up your little cleaning robot. The more creative you can be with this the better. Because children love to play, so when cleaning up is clearly the most fun to be had, they’ll definitely want to join you.

Another great strategt is to simply hand them an item and “forget” where it goes. Kids love to remind you of things you’ve forgotten and once the item is in their hands, it’s much easier for them to realize what to do next.

6)  Be a leader

If your child just doesn’t seem to want to help out, then it’s your job to model joyful cleaning, enjoy yourself immensely and continue to invite them to play with you in creative ways. This only works if you actually enjoy cleaning, but if you can get there, then you can get the ball rolling, sit back and watch the magic happen.

Afterward, be sure to admire your work with your kids. “Wow, the living room looks so tidy! Thank you so much for all your hard work.”

And if they missed a spot when they were dusting, don’t get overly critical, that will just diminish their enthusiasm the next time. You can point out ways to improve if you’re feeling happy and enjoying yourself, but if you’re feeling even slightly annoyed by your child’s inability to be precise during cleaning tasks, keep your mouth shut and fix the problem yourself when they’re out of the room.

Remember, the most important part is that they enjoy themselves and that they’re willing to help out.

7)  Provide them with tools that fit their bodies

Kids love to be just like adults and when we offer them cleaning tools that fit their small bodies, they rejoice in their ability to contribute to the household. A small broom, dustpan, mop, and duster are a good place to start. Access to rags, towels, a trashcan they can use, and a demonstration of how to do each task (as well as clear boundaries for how we don’t use these items) can invite even the most hesitant beginner cleaner to jump in and give it a try.

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Good luck and I can’t wait to hear how it goes!

Please leave me a comment below.

And have a wonderful day, Shelly

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Autonomy is the holy grail of childhood

In my work with young people there are some needs that come up again and again.  The need for play is a great example.  Kids need lots and lots more play than we need and they let us know about their need in ways that are sometimes difficult for us.

But the unmet need that I notice most in young children is the need for autonomy.  Children desperately need to be able to do things on their own and to choose their own path and luckily for you, there are simple things you can do around the house to support your child’s autonomy.

First, take a tour through your home in your mind.  Starting at the front door, do kids have a place to put their coats and shoes when they get home?  Is the place for coats and shoes easily accessible?  For children under five years (and for older children and even adults) the easiest place to put a coat is on a hook near the front (or back) door.  And to put shoes on and take them off, a child-sized bench to sit on is quite useful.

As you move through your home in your mind, consider whether your child has access to the things she needs.  Can she reach toys and books in the living room?  Art supplies, dishes, water and a snack in the kitchen?  Is there a stool in the bathroom that makes using the toilet and washing hands easy?  Can he reach the towel to dry his hands?

Each room of your home should have an activity for your child available in case he wants to be in the same room with you, and in case he doesn’t!  Continue reading “Autonomy is the holy grail of childhood”

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Mother worry

This week I discovered why every client I’ve ever had cries when I tell her she’s a good mother. There’s something about motherhood that taps into a deep-seated fear that we are not good enough. The truth is, everyone reading this blog right now is a caring and involved parent, so why is it that we all think we might be doing something wrong?

There’s something about our culture, and I’m guessing it has to do with media, that perpetuates the idea that there must be something wrong. But is there really? Maybe the very idea that there’s something wrong is the problem.  What if we could all see ourselves as the wonderful parents we really are – even in the moment when the pediatrician tells us our child is not developing properly, or in the moment when our friends don’t like the way we discipline, or how about when we read a scary article online about the dangers of modern life.

I once heard a description of motherhood that it was like having your heart walking around outside of your body. Now I finally understand what they meant. My own anxiety about being a good mom has surfaced this week through several disturbing dreams. Continue reading “Mother worry”

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