Parenting tips – Page 4

March 10, 2010March 10, 2010

An easy game for busy times: The “find it” game

green-kids-treasure-hunt-lg The “find it” game is a fun game for times when you don’t have a lot of attention to give but you want to help stimulate your child’s mind and have fun together even while you’re busy at other tasks.

This game can be modified for ages 1-7. For the youngest kids you can ask your child to find something familiar like his favorite stuffed animal or blanket. Then, you can ask your child to put it in an unusual place (like in the dry bathtub) and then go find it again. The ability to remember where something is and go retrieve it even when it’s out of sight is a useful skill for young children as it requires memory and visualization.

As your child grows older and needs a more complex “find it” game, you can ask her to find a blue crayon, a red triangle, or a specific item from a specific drawer.

So let’s say you’re busy cooking and your child seems bored. You can offer, “Hey, do you want to play the ‘find it’ game?” You’ll usually hear an enthusiastic yes from your child. “Great! Can you go into the bathroom and look in the far right drawer and find me a brown hair tie?” When they’ve brought it, “Thanks! Now let’s see, can you find your baby brother’s favorite book? The one about the white mitten?” Continue reading “An easy game for busy times: The “find it” game”

March 3, 2010March 3, 2010

What we resist persists: practicing acceptance of the present moment

lotus-present-moment Wow, I really don’t want to write a blog today. I can feel myself resisting, procrastinating, and trying to find anything else to occupy my time. Sound familiar? Whether it’s dishes, laundry, taxes, a project for work, or just getting off the couch to get some exercise, we all have the tendency to procrastinate.

So, why do we stare in disbelief when after the 10^th time of reminding our kids to put their shoes on and get out the door, they’re still reading or playing with their toys? I’m pretty sure we’re engaged in a double standard here. We have a specific agenda that we’d like them to agree to, but they haven’t actually agreed. So instead of outright resisting, they procrastinate. Or sometimes they actually physically resist, and often they verbally resist.

But here’s the thing about resistance, what we resist persists. You don’t just go away and stop asking them to put their shoes on. And neither do they stop asking for the toy they saw on television, or for a trip to the ball game.

What can we do without giving in to every whim of our child’s but also without resisting? And how can we invite our kids to accept and embrace what we’re asking for, rather than resisting it? I think empathy is a key here. When I offer empathy to a kid who’s procrastinating, often, before I know it, he’s doing exactly what I asked. I suspect that’s because I didn’t resist what was actually happening in the moment.

It’s easy to get frustrated that things aren’t going the way we’d like. But this week, practice “being a yes” to whatever is happening. When we can accept the present moment for exactly what it is (rather than wishing it were something else) things will often shift more quickly. And we’re teaching our kids that getting mad about it doesn’t change the outcome, instead, accepting what’s actually happening (instead of resisting it) often gets better results and almost always is more fun and generally easier. Continue reading “What we resist persists: practicing acceptance of the present moment”

February 22, 2010February 22, 2010

Connected Parenting Key: get curious

curiosity First of all, I’d like to introduce my newest audio program:

8 Steps to Connected Parenting

For those of you who want a quick, easy guide to some of the most important aspects of creating connection with your kids, I’ve recorded 8 Steps to Connected Parenting, my audio guide to Conscious Parenting 101. You can check out this audio program (only available in MP3 download) here: https://www.awakeparent.com/8steps/

Although this 45 min. audio program is easily worth $20, I’ve decided to offer it for just $8 because I’m hoping you’ll love it, find it very useful, and tell all your friends about AwakeParent.com.

To give you a taste of what this audio program is about, I’ll share one of the steps with you now…Step 5: Check in and Get Curious

Getting curious is one of the most effective ways to invite people to share their inner worlds with you. When we’re genuinely curious we ask interested questions and people (including children) are compelled to talk with us about what’s going on inside them.

One question to avoid when you want to start a dialogue is “why”. “Why” puts children into conceptual thought and doesn’t get to the heart of the matter. Now besides their initial problem, they’re being asked to figure out the reasons for their discomfort and that only leads to more anxiety and upset.

Instead of asking why, try asking questions about what happened, how she’s feeling, or what sensations she’s noticing in her body. Repeat back what she tells you and ask her to confirm that you’ve gotten it right. This reflection allows kids to correct you if you’re off track and lets them know that you’re really listening and understanding what they’re telling you.

After you’ve repeated and gotten confirmation that you’re hearing your child accurately, ask, “what else?” This phrase is an invitation for whatever else your child wants to share.

Here’s an example of a conversation between John and his mom who is curious and reflective. Continue reading “Connected Parenting Key: get curious”

January 20, 2010March 3, 2012

Kids always have a positive intention

I know it sounds like an outrageous claim, but the truth is that kids always have a positive intention behind EVERY action. Even when he’s smearing peanut butter all over your computer keyboard, or convincing his little sister to eat dog food he has a positive intention. And when she’s cutting her hair, coloring on the walls with crayons, or purposely waking up the baby, even then, she has a positive intention.

Kids, just like the rest of us, are just trying to get their needs met. They may not always have the most effective strategies for getting what they want, but they’re always doing their best and responding to the world around them.

When we can assume a positive intention and even try to discover what that intention might be, suddenly we can move from feeling angry and exasperated, “Why in the WORLD would she DO that?!” to a state of compassion and understanding. “Oh, I see, she was needing some excitement and stimulation, so she woke up the baby to play with him.”

When we’re aware of the underlying needs behind our children’s seemingly bizarre behavior, we can start to empathize with them and teach them better strategies that will actually get them what they want. But first we have to learn to breathe and take a moment BEFORE we react.

Right now, imagine the most frustrating thing your child has done in the past week or so. Remember how you responded. Now, consider, what might be the positive intention behind your child’s actions? Imagine yourself in a similar situation in the future. Is there a way you could have responded that would have created more connection and understanding between you and your child?

Let’s try the “Assume a positive intention” technique:

You see your child doing something that makes your heart race and your mind jump to all sorts of troubling conclusions. You decide to implement assuming a positive intention behind all actions. First you breathe, then you think, “What could the positive intention behind this action be?,” then you come up with some idea, you check in with your child, “Sweetie, were you really wanting to see what why I won’t let you have food near the computer? Are you needing some more information and understanding about that? Were you enjoying the feeling of the peanut butter on your hands?”

Your child feels heard, understood, and maybe a little bit confused about why you’re not screaming at the top of your lungs yet. Now’s your chance to calmly let your child know how you feel about the strategy he’s chosen. Be sure to use the words “I feel” and then an actual emotion. “I feel worried when I see my computer caked with peanut butter, I’m not sure it will work any more and computers cost a lot of money, so now I might not have a computer any more. I feel sad about that.”

And finally, assuming you’ve kept your cool, your child should be ready for some learning! So now you get to share a new strategy for next time. “What could you do next time instead of putting peanut butter on my computer? Could you ask me about why I don’t allow food near it? Could you ask me for a cracker to smear peanut butter on? What do you think?”

I would love to hear your stories about the wild things your kids have done, how you’ve handled it, and what you think about the idea of assuming a positive intention as a way to practice understanding and compassion with children. Please leave me a comment! Hugs, Shelly

November 18, 2009March 3, 2012

Simple changes at home can help kids feel comfortable and capable

When I worked in Montessori schools I was consistently amazed at how happy, engaged, and capable the kids in my class were. This got me thinking, “If kids can be this self-sufficient and joyful in a classroom, then why not at home too?!” I’ve noticed that young people often feel frustration at living in a an adult-centered world. I can remember feeling irritated about not being able to see over the counter, or out the car window (before the advent of booster seats).

Although young people make up a significant portion of our population, they don’t pay the bills, so they usually aren’t catered to in the way that adults are. Most furniture is not built to accommodate them. There are often no stools provided where needed, especially in public.

Even going to the bathroom in a public restroom and washing one’s hands can be quite difficult for a person with a small body. Doors are large and too heavy; tools are too big for their hands… I think you get the idea.

So if there’s a place where a child can find solace from these frustrations, I hope it will be their home. I would be inspired to live in a world where a child’s home is a place where she can reach the counter top, make herself a snack, and take care of her personal hygiene easily. I’ve found that when young people are given the tools they need to be able to have these freedoms, they are more peaceful and often much more responsible. Trusting young people to care for themselves and giving them the necessary tools to do so, fosters a sense of self-care, self approval and healthy pride.

Consider the daily activities of the child in your home. What does he do and what would make his tasks easy to accomplish without asking for adult intervention? Is there a convenient place for him to hang his coat when he enters his home? (Tip: for very young children, a low hook is the easiest place for a jacket) Can he reach the sink easily for hand washing? Are there art activities, games, puzzles and books that are within easy reach? Does your child have comfortable furniture that fits his body?

Ask your kids what changes they’d like to see in their home environment. And consider what changes would ultimately make things easier for all family members. For instance, if children’s dishes are where they can reach them and they know where the carrot sticks are and that carrots are an acceptable snack, they can simply let you know what they’re doing (or not, depending on your house rules), without needing you to stop what you’re doing and fix them a snack. Also, consider asking older children to help younger children. Requesting the help of your older child (without demanding) can foster teamwork and interdependence between siblings.

Ultimately, your children want to feel capable and supported in their home, and although that might require some rearranging and consideration, it’s not much work to provide possibilities for autonomy and it’s almost no work for you once they know how to care for themselves! So, take a look around your home this week to be sure that everyone in your family has access to:

Water (for drinking and washing)
Food
Clean clothing
Warm clothing
Books/toys/art supplies
Towels and cleaning supplies
Art at eye level
Full-length mirror in bedroom
Things to nurture like a plant or a pet

So, I hope you’ll use this list as a guide, and talk with your child about what sort of changes would make life at home easier, more fun, and more equitable. When we honor children by taking the time and making the effort to accommodate their needs, they feel treasured in ways they can’t even express. But I’m sure you’ll notice the difference! I’d love to hear about how simple changes around the house have made a difference in your kids lives. Please leave us a comment below.