Turn it into a Game – Awake Parent

August 21, 2013August 21, 2013

How Inviting Rebellion Makes Your Life Much Easier

Rebellion. It’s often seen as a dangerous and incredibly irritating part of parenting. But the truth is that rebellion is a crucial part of human development. I know, I know, it’s super annoying when the first thing out of your child’s mouth is “NO!” and you’re trying desperately to find non-violent ways to get your child to perform the necessary tasks of daily life.

And the key to my sanity during this time has been two fold.

First, recognize that rebellion is actually a good thing.

Whaaat??? Yes, that’s right. Rebellion means your child realizes that he’s an individual with his own desires, which are separate from yours. While that might be uncomfortable for us, it’s quite a milestone for our kids. They’re learning to assert themselves and to take a stand, even when it might not be popular. The practice they’re engaged in now, rebelling against you, could help them resist peer pressure later, which is something we all want our kids to be able to do.

The second realization which has made my life MUCH easier during this transition to more independence and autonomy is simply this:

what we resist, persists.

When I’m doing all I can to force my daughter to do what I want despite her arguments, she will resist me. In a way it’s her JOB to resist me. How else can she establish herself as separate from me?

So I’ve implemented a strategy that magically meets everyone’s needs. I invite the rebellion. I create opportunities for my daughter to “rebel” in ways that actually help me out. Her resistance suddenly becomes useful, rather than annoying. I protest loudly about how much I DON’T want her to put on her shoes, climb into her carseat, go to the bathroom independently, or put away her toys. I go over the top, whining, yelling, and carrying on.

My daughter loves this. She knows that it’s a game, but it still seems to meet her needs for rebellion because she gets to say, “No! I’m going to do it MY way.” And she delights in my moans and groans about how I’m not getting what I want. She feels powerful and in charge of herself and she thinks it’s hilarious to see me bumbling and fumbling and inept.

The fact that we both understand that this is a game makes it SO MUCH easier for me too. Because struggling to get her to do something she doesn’t want to do is really quite painful for both of us. And it often leads to tears when I give up on convincing her and instead force her into compliance. While it does happen sometimes, I find that using force almost never leaves us feeling more connected afterward. We inevitably have the, “Mommy, you hurt my feelings,” conversation and I end up apologizing and lamely trying to justify my actions.

So instead, I’ve been practicing strategically giving up my power. My daughter still knows that I’m in charge and that if I feel it’s necessary, I can force her to do things like give me the scissors. Although there is a limit to how long we can rely upon our greater size, strength, and cunning to overpower our kids.

I’d rather cultivate a strategy that allows her to feel powerful and free, even as she’s doing the very things I want.

I don’t see this as tricking her, since we both know it’s a game. Instead, it’s helping her to exercise her rebelliousness in a healthy and productive way. I’m engineering the game so that it’s a win-win.

Children long to be powerful and independent, which is a good thing, since they’ll go from infants to adults in a mere 18 years. And by the way, when they’re teenagers they’re likely to rebel again. Will we be able to invite the rebellion and create win-win opportunities then too?

There are lots of ways to play games that allow your child to be the powerful one. And I find that playing power games meets children’s needs for power and rebellion so that much of the time they’re far more cooperative and compliant.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1) Oh no, don’t take my hat! Give me back my hat!

2) Rats! I don’t have anyone to help me carry this to the car. How will I get this to the car? I can’t carry it myself because I’m not strong enough…

3) Oh gee, I forget what happens next. I wish someone would help me remember what we do before we leave the house. I keep forgetting!

4) Gosh, I really don’t want to read stories tonight. But if you get ready for bed quickly, I’ll HAVE to. Oh please don’t MAKE me read! Ut oh, she’s already got her pajamas on.

So here’s your challenge for the week. Identify a consistent power struggle or a time when your child is likely to rebel and plan a couple of possible power games or new strategies that you could employ that would meet everyone’s needs. How can you invite the rebellion?

Then, write to me here in the comments section to let me know how it goes! I would LOVE to hear about your journey.

And have a fantastic week. Warmly, Shelly

November 16, 2011March 7, 2012

Whispering Magic

Thinking back to all the times when I was in a classroom or a house full of kids who were all running around and screaming their little heads off I suddenly remembered the one thing that turned yelling into quiet voices. I whispered.

Now you might think that whispering in a room full of screaming kids wouldn’t have much impact, but I’ve found that screaming is the thing that makes the least impact. The kids just thought I was playing along with their game and continued to scream unless I really lost it, which I later felt bad about.

Instead, I did the opposite and got an almost immediate response. First I thought of a secret to tell. Then I went over to the loudest child and tapped her on the shoulder cupping my hands around my mouth as if I were about to whisper. Then I whispered the secret to her. Usually my secret had something to do with a delicious snack waiting for them in the other room or a really fun game or activity I had planned, but inevitably, the whisper was the thing that made the biggest difference.

My daughter has stopped nursing herself to sleep when she’s going to bed at night and instead prefers to cuddle to sleep. But if she’s really squirming and unsettled I simply begin to whisper a story to her and she’s often asleep within minutes. Sometimes she’ll whisper parts of the story back to me, but she ALWAYS stills her body and listens intently. It really doesn’t matter what the story is about, it can even be gibberish, the important thing is that the message I’m sending with my whispering is that it’s time to relax and rest now. And the message comes across loud and clear…or quiet and clear in this case. ?

I’ve even used whispering to stop a child from screeching wildly when she didn’t get what she wanted. Sure there are times when it’s important to allow a child to fully express her upset, but this particular child was using the screeching as a way to get my attention. So I gave her my attention, but I changed the rules of the game. Whenever she screeched, I would walk up to her, whisper in her ear, and then if the screeching continued, I would walk away. She almost always followed behind me whispering about the topic of choice. Because it wasn’t screaming that she most needed in that moment, it was my full attention.

I know it can be difficult to remember this when you’re in a room full of people who are yelling to be heard, but sometimes going against the grain and doing the opposite of what the crowd is doing is the perfect way to shift the dynamic.

My husband and I even use this technique when we’re dining in a very loud restaurant. If I can’t hear him, I just slide into the booth on his side of the table and we snuggle up and talk quietly to one another. Often, the noise level in the whole restaurant will go down. I’m not really sure why it works, but I’m sure glad it does!

So the next time you’re in a room full of loudness, try whispering and see what happens. I would love to hear how it goes. Please share your story with me in the comment box below.

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

October 12, 2011November 8, 2011

Video: Rock them and swing them!

This video is about the amazing benefits of rocking and swinging for kids. Have you noticed that rocking and swinging helps your child?

How have you seen vestibular stimulation benefit your kids and family?

June 15, 2011October 7, 2012

Calling all drama queens and comedians

School is out for the summer, which is great fun for the kids and a bunch of extra work and shuffling for you. It’s challenging to make the transition from having the kids in school all day to having them home, or finding enough activities to keep them busy and engaged.

Some children really thrive on a slow paced, relaxed, summer schedule. But other kids go a little bonkers when you take away the social outlet of school. If you’ve got a drama queen or a comedian on your hands, consider sending them to an acting camp.

Through my work with young people I’ve found that lots of kids who seem to be “acting out” or are “too wild” just need an appropriate outlet for their energy and enthusiasm about life. They need an activity that is both intellectually and physically challenging, so that they’re engaging many different parts of their brain. Acting camp could be just the thing these kids are craving.

During an acting camp, kids get to play fun games that teach them the basics of improvisation and acting. With those tools in their back pockets, many young people can redirect their “wild” energy into comedy improv, or putting on a production either by themselves, with friends or siblings, or with a church group or neighborhood group.

And, as their skills develop, you’ll enjoy their antics more and more, and they’ll get the positive attention they’re really craving. It’s really a win-win.

But if acting camp isn’t available in your area or doesn’t fit into your budget well, the internet is filled with information about super fun comedy improv games you can play with your family without any special training.

One of my favorite sites for that kind of information is Improv 4 Kids

Here are a few fun improv games off the top of my head:

1) Yes And- Go around the circle and create something fun like the most fun amusement park, the best sandwich, the ideal playground, or the coolest new invention. Each person adds an idea and then the next person exclaims, “YES!! And…” and adds another dimension to the vision.

2) Making up a silly song- This is easiest with a familiar tune and a list of words that rhyme. You might want to start off with Raffi’s “Down by the Bay” and then branch out when the kids have the hang of it.

3) Using props in interesting ways- Get some stuff from the kitchen and around the house and put it into a box. Set an egg timer and then let your child reach into the box, grab something and pretend it’s something else. Robin Williams is particularly good at this game!

So, I hope you’ll check out all the possibilities in your area for acting and improv classes for kids. Who knows, maybe you’ll spark a life long love of theatre! As always I would love to hear your thoughts and stories. Please leave me a comment! And have a wonderful week, Shelly

Oh, and I was interviewed in Inspired Lady Radio on Monday. If you’d like to listen to the show which features me and Lori Petro, go to BlogTalkRadio “Thanks, but this is my child“.

March 25, 2010March 25, 2010

Giving kids power helps them cooperate

kid_power4 If you’re noticing that your kids are having a difficult time cooperating or listening or generally following your lead, first let me remind you, you’re not alone. Lots of parents go through this difficulty every day. I know it can be super frustrating when you’re just trying to get things done, or get to the store, or follow the rules, and your child is fighting you every step of the way.

One way to encourage cooperation from kids is to designate some time each week (or day) where they get to be in charge. Somehow by allowing kids to take the lead for even 10 minutes a day, you’ll find that they’re much more willing to allow you to take the lead for the rest of the time. There are several ways you can do this.

First, let your child know that for the next 10 minutes, they get to be in charge, they’re the boss, the parent, or the king or queen of your home. Tell them that as long as the activities they choose are safe, you’ll follow their lead.

You can try playing follow the leader and allow the youngest child in your household to be the leader. Follow along as if you’re completely entranced by the activities your child is doing and encourage any other siblings to play too. You’ll be amazed at what a difference it can make in the life of a young child when they get this time to be in charge, tell people what to do, and watch them do the silly things they’ve thought up.

If you think about it, young people get so little of this kind of play time, they’re starving for some king or queen time. Kids are constantly told where to be, what to wear, how to act, and to “hurry up”. Imagine how good it feels to them when they get to be the ones in charge, bossing us around for a change. They love it!

For more games you can play that your kids will love and that will encourage their sense of power and control over their lives Continue reading “Giving kids power helps them cooperate”