Setting kids up for success – Page 5

June 8, 2011March 19, 2012

Don’t “should” on me!

Language is a powerful thing. I’m constantly amazed at how simple word choices can make such a huge difference in my everyday life. For instance, if I think to myself, “I can’t…” I feel deflated and ineffectual, but when I think, “I choose not to…” I feel inspired and powerful.

We each make choices about which words we’ll use to describe our lives every single day. Don’t we all have a friend who almost constantly whines and complains? Or know someone who uses language that is offensive to us? I do my best to be hyper aware of my language and which words I choose to use. I want to use words that are empowering and inspiring as much as possible, especially around my daughter.

When I first became aware of my word choices and their power, I noticed that I apologized a LOT. I said “I’m sorry” dozens of times a day. I also discovered that I was afraid to speak up, worried about taking up too much space, and I rarely expressed myself very powerfully. In a way, I was apologizing for my very being! But it didn’t feel very good, so I systematically trained myself to stop apologizing habitually, and now I only apologize when I really mean it.

As I continued to explore consciously choosing my words, I realized there was a very specific word that I actually despise. The word is “should.” Every time I heard the word “should” I was reminded of other people’s expectations for me, and all the times I had been externally motivated. I realized that I had been living my life to please other people, but I wasn’t really enjoying it at all! So I began working to develop a strong internal motivation, a clear inner sense of yes and no, and I abolished the word “should” from my vocabulary.

My friends and I worked together to remind one another when “should” crept back into our language by stopping and saying, “Did you just ‘should’ on me?!” Bringing a little bit of humor to our mission to abolish “should” made it a fun game that we could all play together. And it really helped to have the support of people who were all committed to conscious word choices. By the way, if you want an easy and empowering word replacement, try “could” instead of “should.” It works almost all of the time!

Now that I’m a mom, I’m reminded yet again how important it is to be aware of the words we use when we talk to our kids. Of course tone of voice, affect, and energy are often even more important than word choice. But I still think it’s worthwhile to pay attention to the words we use.

After all, our kids will surely parrot those words back to us, and who really wants their 4 year old saying, “Mommy, you should eat your vegetables before your chocolate.” Personally, I would much rather hear someone ask me if I would or could, rather than telling me that I should. Don’t the young people in our lives deserve that same respect from their elders? I sure think so!

I would love to know what you think about the word “should” and it’s impact on young people. Please share your opinion or story below!

Thanks for being here and have a great day, Shelly

June 1, 2011March 19, 2012

Delay of gratification is a crucial skill

Photo by Suzette Hibble

Teaching your child to delay gratification can help him in all sorts of ways. He will learn self-control and willpower. He will also reduce his impulsivity and increase in academic performance. But delaying gratification does not come easily and often won’t develop naturally, unless parents and caregivers help children learn this important skill.

Luckily, you can start to teach these skills at any age with simple games that don’t take much time. Start by offering your child a toy you know she wants but at the last second pull it back saying, “Ut oh, wait just a moment. Wait…wait…great job waiting!” and then hand your child the toy. At first just ask your infant or toddler to wait a few seconds. Then as your child becomes better and better at waiting for the object of her desire, begin to lengthen the time required.

This works best if you’re both in a good mood and you’re playful in your removal of the object. Children always learn best when they’re enjoying life. But if your child reacts negatively to your attempts to play a waiting game, just ignore any outburst, give the toy back after the allotted time and try again later.

It won’t do much good to tell your child when they didn’t wait well, but when they do, be sure to give him some positive feedback using effort and/or behavior based praise. “Great waiting!” “Good job!” And “Wow, I could see how much you wanted that, but you waited anyway! Nice!” are all great ways to reinforce delay of gratification.

Do your best to stay away from character based praise though. “Good boy!” or “You’re so smart!” can actually make some kids more self-conscious and fearful, rather than helping them feel good about their accomplishments. For more information on effort based praise see my earlier article “The dangers of praise.”

Impulsivity is a defining characteristic of young children, so don’t expect too much too fast. But if you play waiting games a few times a day, every day, you can expect your child’s capacity for waiting to grow over time. And that’s good news, because in the short term, you’ll have a more patient and considerate child.

And in the long term, delay of gratification has been linked to better studying behaviors and might even be linked to reduced drug use in teens and young adults. If you caught my blog about a conscious relationship to money, you know that delay of gratification is also a great asset in terms of financial planning, saving, and living within your means.

Right now I’m wishing that I had learned much earlier to delay gratification, but we all have to start somewhere, and I’m a firm believer that it’s never too late to learn a new skill. So, as I teach my daughter to wait, I’ll also be practicing delaying my own gratification and we’ll both enjoy the benefits of increased willpower and reduced impulsivity.

What have your experiences with impulsivity and self-control been? I would love to know what you think about this topic. Please leave me a comment!

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

May 18, 2011March 19, 2012

The Magic of Family Meetings

We have work meetings, book club meetings, non-profit organization meetings, and yet very few families have family meetings. However, in my parenting coaching, and especially with families of children ages 3-17, family meetings are one of the best ways I’ve found to help families get on the same page, air their dirty laundry, establish rules and expectations, and move from tension back to joy and playfulness.

But there are some definite dos and don’ts when it comes to creating a family meeting that works well and is sustainable. Here are my tips for family meetings that will help you re-connect and get down to business.

1) Keep it short- The younger your children are, the shorter your meeting should be. For children under 5, try to keep it to 20 minutes tops. As your children grow and mature, meetings will get slightly longer, but nobody wants to sit in a meeting for longer than an hour, so try to prioritize and keep your commentary to a minimum.

2) The fun sandwich- If you want your kids to love family meetings, then be sure there’s something they really like at the beginning and at the end. You could do a round of appreciations at the beginning and pizza and a movie afterward, or you might try an empathy game at the beginning and a game of basketball at the end. Or, perhaps you’ll start with a group hug and end by planning the next family vacation.

3) Grievances, chores, and other business in the middle- keep this part short too, but this is the meat of the family meeting where you’ll really make progress toward a mutual understanding of what your family’s rules, chores, and goals are. Sometimes it helps to have a poster board, white board, or other visual representation of what you’re discussing.

4) Play “Yes, And”- If you’d like the input of every family member as you create a new chore structure, plan a vacation, or figure out how to work some fun into your busy lives, try playing “Yes, And” It’s a simple game in which you first set up the task and then take turns making contributions. The rule is that you cannot argue against anyone’s contribution, you can only add your own by enthusiastically saying, “YES! And…” So you might start by saying something like, “Let’s imagine the best Saturday afternoon ever” and then each person takes a turn sharing something they’d enjoy doing on an imaginary Saturday. The idea is to get excited, use your imagination and practice being a yes to one another’s ideas. Then, after the game, you can agree on an actual plan for the day.

5) Chore wheel- A chore wheel is a fun way to establish who will do what and then you can easily trade chores every week or month. It does take a little bit of preparation before the meeting, but you’ll be amazed how something as simple as an engaging and visual reminder will help the young people in your life complete their chores on time.

So, those are my tips for a successful and sustainable family meeting. I would love to hear about your experiences with meetings in the past and/or how these tips work for you.

Have a fabulous week, Shelly

March 30, 2011August 5, 2017

A cure for clutter: using a rug to define a workspace

Are you tired of tripping over your child’s toys or bugging the kids to pick them up off the living room floor? Using a rug to define your child’s workspace is a great solution that works well for everyone!

You might even already have a rug that will work well. You want a rag rug, bathmat, or other rug that is about three feet by four feet in size and is easy to roll up. To keep it out of the way when it’s not being used, you can store your rug in a clean trash can, large vase, or other container when it’s rolled up. And when your child is ready to get out her dinosaurs, remind her to get her rug first. This trick was taught to me by my friend who is also a parent and works for Oriental Rug Cleaning in Jupiter, FL, she the idea while working one day! Just make sure you don’t choose a rug that will get dirty easily.

Children often enjoy taking care of their workspace and will take great pleasure in laying out their rug and then setting out their toys or other activities. And, by keeping the space defined you will notice several benefits.

First, your child will feel his work and play are honored and important when you make it a point to walk around his rug and encourage other family members to respect his space. Second, you’ll cut down of sibling conflict when each child has his own space and both practice respecting one another’s space. In the Montessori classroom children are required to ask permission to touch anything on someone else’s rug.

Also, if you need to move your child’s activity, it’s fairly easy to pick up two ends of the rug and drag it over to another spot without disturbing what’s on the rug. That means that even though she starts a puzzle on the living room floor, you can pull it over to the hallway, or even into her room, when the family needs the floor space again. Continue reading “A cure for clutter: using a rug to define a workspace”

January 20, 2011January 20, 2011

What we can learn from Chinese mothers

Have you heard about the new book out that purports that Chinese mothers are better than western mothers? I haven’t read the book, but I did read an article about it and I was horrified to say the least. In the article I read there was a story of the author berating, cajoling, threatening, and punishing her child in order to get her to learn a piano piece. The child did in fact master the piece, so the author says that her parenting was effective. I disagree. I think it’s wonderful that her child overcame a challenge and learned a difficult piano piece, but I disagree with HOW the mother went about the lesson. I don’t think it’s ever OK to mock your child or call him names, even if your intent is to motivate.

But there was something in the article that I did agree with. The author said that overcoming a challenge provides a boost in confidence for young people. I agree entirely. She also wrote about the fact that Chinese mothers are willing to spend hours and hours tutoring, drilling, and helping their children with challenging lessons. And I began to wonder, are we western mothers willing to do the same? Would I sit down with my daughter for as long as it took her to learn her multiplication tables? To be perfectly honest, I had to answer “maybe.”

As I considered the subject further I realized that I do know lots of parents who I think rely too heavily on computers and television to teach their children. What if we were to take our American ingenuity and work ethic and apply it to the job of teaching our kids?

Your challenge this week is to get down in the trenches with your child and really support him in the skill or ability he’s most struggling with. Continue reading “What we can learn from Chinese mothers”