Category: Taking care of yourself

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What Does Radical Self Care Mean to You?

I was on Facebook yesterday (big surprise) and I glanced at a post that said, “What does radical self-care mean to you?” I didn’t read the rest of the post or think about it much at the time, but as I sat down to write my blog today, I realized that I’ve been engaging in some radical self-care recently.

We all know that self-care is important, or at least we hear it from our friends and nod our heads knowingly. But how often do we actually choose to care for ourselves? And of those times, are we engaging in the minimum amount of self-care so that we don’t feel disgusting, like my recent self-administered foot massage and pedicure? Or are we actually practicing radical self-care?

What does radical self-care even mean?

As I thought more about it I realized that over the past several weeks I’ve spent hours on Pinterest adding pins to my Tattoo board. It’s the most self-centered activity I’ve engaged in for months. And I LOVE it. Every night after my daughter is in bed I pour over images and imagine my tattoo. I think about where I will put it on my body. I imagine how it will look. I think about how much it might hurt and the fact that it will take time to heal.

Maybe it sounds odd to think that a tattoo is self-care, but for me it is. It’s a way to express myself. It’s a beautiful piece of artwork that I get to wear for the rest of my life, just for me. I know it will be painful, but I’ve been through childbirth, so I know how to welcome the pain. And besides, life is painful. There’s no getting away from pain, no matter how hard we try.

For me, there’s a spiritual aspect to getting a tattoo. If you have one, you probably know what I’m talking about, but for those of you who don’t, let me explain.

Years ago I did some Native American spiritual ceremonies. I did sweat lodges, a couple of teepee ceremonies, and finally, a full on vision quest. I spent days on a hill with no food or water. It was a truly transformative experience.

I know, I know, depriving myself of food and water doesn’t exactly sound like self-care, but here’s the thing. When I did those ceremonies I consciously put my body under duress. I was too hot or I was sleep deprived or I was hungry or thirsty or nauseous. But by experiencing those physical challenges, it was somehow easier to access spiritual clarity. The idea behind these kinds of spiritual trials is that they bring us closer to God.

During my vision quest my priorities came into sharp relief.

I got clear about my purpose. I got a visit from my grandmother who had passed away. Call me crazy if you want to, but these experiences were huge gifts to me.

I left each of these life events richer than I was before. I gained more knowledge of myself, my connection to spirit, and my body’s abilities and limitations. Every time I’ve challenged myself whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually, I’ve come away stronger and more sure of myself.

These ceremonies were rights of passage for me. And so is the tattoo I will be getting. For me, a tattoo is radical self-care. And it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me. It’s OK if my parents or other people cringe at the sight of my new tattoo. It’s not about impressing or disappointing anyone else, it’s just about ME choosing an outer expression to reflect my inner world.

Sometimes I create visual art, or I cry or rage. Other times I write or hot tub or savor an extra long hug from a dear friend. And soon I’ll be getting my first tattoo.

This is how I heal and grow.

Your way might be different, and that’s beautiful too. I would love to hear about your own notions of radical self-care. What does it look like in YOUR life? Have you been through similar ceremonies or other rites of passage? How do you know when you’ve achieved radical self-care? And do you care how your self-care appears to other people? Does it bother you to think that others might consider you “selfish” for doing the things that nurture you?

I hope you’ll share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas with me by leaving a comment.

And I deeply wish you all the love and peace you can possibly handle.

Warm hugs, Shelly

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How Self-Care and Personal Practices Can Help Anchor Your Day

A note from Shelly: Kassandra Brown and I found each other on the internet and instantly felt well aligned and connected. Rather than taking a “competition” approach, we’ve decided to help and support one another’s success. I think you’ll enjoy her guest post as much as I did. Excellent reminders to slow down and remember to take care of ourselves in the midst of our busy, service oriented lives.

Guest post by Kassandra Brown

Shhh – everyone is sleeping and now it’s time for you. What do you do with your alone time?

I can help you find the best ways to connect with yourself and ways to make time for that connection.

Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

1) A morning practice: Meditation, journaling, yoga, tai-chi. I suggest activities that are simple enough for you to remember without prompting so you can do them alone (no DVD or YouTube teachers).

Exercise: take 10 min for yourself every morning before the rest of the house is awake. If other people wake up without you, then take some extra minutes before you go greet them to do your own practice.

2) Creative time: sing, draw, paint, sculpt, dance, write poetry. Let it be messy. Let it be easy. Let yourself create with no goal of having it be anything other than your creative expression in this moment.

Exercise: Turn on music you love. Sit with a blank sheet of paper and let yourself flow. You might draw or write. You might get up and dance.

3) Pampering: a long bath, a massage, rubbing yourself with oil, self-pleasuring. Take time to feel sensual in your own body.

Exercise: Walk naked outside. If you can’t do that, be naked in your own home, open a window and feel the sun and the air on your skin. Rub yourself with massage oil.

4) Take off your shoes: The feel of the ground on my naked feet – cold, hot, hard, soft, wet, oozy – is such a blessing. The earth will absorb extra, frenetic energy and leave you feeling more relaxed and clear headed. The earth can also feed you energy which is often more rooted and solid than the buzzy energy we get from caffeine, sugar, and other stimulants.

Exercise: Try walking barefoot on the earth for 10-30 min anytime you feel low, disconnected, or restless.

5) Connect with a friend: Take time to really check in with each other. Ask “How are you doing?” and mean it. If you’re not sure how to do this, try PIES. You can tell your friend how you are doing physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. And you can ask about each of these areas too.

Exercise: call 3 friends and ask them if they’d like to have a ‘check in date’ once each week. If all 3 say yes, great. You now have 3 anchor points in your week. If one says yes, great that’s probably a more manageable time commitment. Ask for help if you need support structuring a check in date to make it fair and manageable.

It is really important to take time to anchor your day, to anchor into yourself, to find your ground. Finding your own way into yourself through creation of personal practices that really feed you is a big part of what I can help you do through parent coaching.

What practices help you in your day? How do you connect with your true self? Please share your insights and your questions with us!

Kassandra Brown is a parent coach who says “I am so lucky to do this work! I love hearing the difference in parent’s voices when they go from feeling tired and helpless to empowered and insightful.” She coaches via phone or Skype and would be delighted to consult with you today. You can find her at www.parentcoaching.org Contact Kassandra today for more insight into ways to anchor your day!

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Five Signs I’m Not Taking Care of Myself

OK Moms, it’s time to get real. We take excellent, outstanding, superb care of our children almost all of the time. And then the rest of the time we yell at them or do other things we don’t like. But by in large, we are very good mothers doing a really hard job extremely well. But here’s the kicker, we’re not so great at taking care of ourselves sometimes. And that’s where we’re actually failing our kids.

By neglecting ourselves and taking care of others instead, we’re not modeling selflessness, as we might like to believe, we’re actually modeling martyrdom. And it’s no good. I mean do we really want our daughters to grow up and serve up a delicious and nutritious dinner for their families and then go in the other room and cry about how exhausted they are? I don’t think so. We don’t have to suffer to be good parents. In fact, we’re much better parents (and partners) when we’re feeling pampered and privileged, than when we’re on the verge of a mental break down.

This week I realized that over time I have identified several indicators that I’m not taking enough care of myself. I’m guessing some of these are universal, so I’ll share mine, and then you can come up with your own unique list. The idea here is to see the warning signs of a lack of self-care BEFORE things get out of hand, and then to actually take the time, ask for the help, and do what you need to do to take better care of yourself. After all, your children deserve the best version of you, right?

It’s all about self-awareness. So, here are my five signs that I’m not taking enough care of myself:

1) I’m grumpy– When I’m grumpy it’s usually because I’m either too tired, too hungry or too thirsty. When I snap, get easily frustrated, or feel annoyed at everything around me, I know it’s time to take a break, get some food, water and/or rest and reboot. Sometimes I don’t even notice that I’m grumpy until my husband tells me that I’m not being very nice. Luckily, I’m usually not too far-gone and I’m able to hear his feedback as a loving request, rather than a scathing judgment.

2) I’m clumsy– I drop and break things. The other day a glass actually flew out of my hands and exploded all over the kitchen floor in a million tiny shards (of course we were all barefoot at the time) In the past I’ve done things like drop a full container of paint or spilled a bunch of beet juice all over the kitchen counter and floor. This is a reminder to slow down, take more care, get more rest, and to be more intentional as I move through my day.

3) I can’t think straight and I’m on the verge of tears all day— This is clearly an indication of sleep deprivation but can also be a lack of nutrition or hormones. When I forget to take my vitamins it sometimes impacts my mental clarity. And when I’m too tired, I get sad and teary about things that wouldn’t normally bother me. This can also happen to me at certain points in my cycle and can be hormonally driven, so it’s important to have compassion for ourselves when our hormones seem to undermine our emotional stability. It usually really helps me to call a good girlfriend at times like this. Getting some empathy and understanding from a trusted friend can do wonders for my emotional state.

4) I hurt myself– For me this is usually physical, but for you it might also be emotional. When I “accidentally” hurt my body by bumping, bruising, straining, or spraining something it’s a great reminder to slow down and remember my physical limits. I am only human and I need to learn to ask for help! Just before I got pregnant I accidentally cut my finger with a knife and ended up in urgent care with a bunch of stitches. Sure, accidents happen, but take a look at whether there’s a pattern happening here for you.

This can also be emotional, if you find yourself ruminating about things that make you feel bad, you might be hurting yourself emotionally. Do your best to cut it out! Emotional abuse doesn’t help anybody, and your negative self-talk CAN be learned by your children. When I’ve battled negative thoughts in the past, I’ve had to have a no tolerance policy and have forced myself away from thoughts that were hurtful and toward thoughts that are empowering or inspiring.

5) My body feels heavy, slow, and sad— Bodies need exercise. Yes, even yours! I know I’m not getting enough exercise when I feel heavy, slow, and sad. My body loves the jolt of endorphins I get when I do aerobic exercise REGULARLY. Sure, I might feel “too tired” to go for a run, but when I get into a regular exercise routine, I really do feel more energetic and happier. We all have our excuses why we can’t get to the gym, but in a choice between an unhappy mom and a happier mom, your kids will always choose a happier mom, even if it means being away from you for an hour a few times a week (or better yet, every day). Go to that yoga class you’ve been missing, you have my express permission to pamper yourself.

When I realize that one of these things is happening, I slow down, take some time to reflect on my most urgent needs, and then make a plan to meet them. Sometimes that looks like a catnap on the couch while my daughter is playing nearby. When I was pregnant it meant rearranging my entire workday so that I could have an early afternoon nap every single day. Other times it means I leave the house early in the morning to get my work out in. One more thing, don’t underestimate proper nutrition as a contributor to your exhaustion and/or frustration either. Take stock of your intake of caffeine, sugar, and whole foods, as well as exercise and sleep.

So now is your chance to create your own list of signs you’re not taking care of yourself. I hope you’ll do so now and then share them with us! Together, we can learn to take better care of ourselves and as a result we’ll teach our children that our wellbeing is important to us. I know that’s a lesson I REALLY want my daughter to learn.

Have a beautiful week, Shelly

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Parenting exhaustion

Boy, is it exhausting to be a parent or what?!  You start off with the nighttime wake ups but at least when they’re that little, they’re not moving around too much.  Remember when you’d put them down and they’d just stay put?!  It’s like a distant memory, right?

And, by the time you’re actually getting a good night’s sleep (except for the occasional accident or vomiting in the bed), they’re running around like crazy people and screaming, “Play with me! Play with me!” and wanting to go to the park and the pool and everywhere else they can think of.  Whew!  I feel tired just thinking about it.

I’ve heard some divorced parents admit that they’re actually relieved when they’re kids go to their co-parent’s house.  And now that I’m a parent myself, I can see why!  It really does take a village, doesn’t it?  I think we should all have statues erected in our honor if we survive parenthood long enough to see our adult children become exhausted parents.

As a kid, one of the things I never understood was why my parents didn’t have the energy to play with me all the time or take me wherever I wanted.  The idea that resting would be more fun than constant activity was a completely foreign concept.  I think the only time I was still was when I was mesmerized by the television or forced to sleep.

One of the things I loved about being a nanny for twins was that at least they always had each other to play with.  But the truth is, you can’t always just pawn off the littler kids with the bigger kids.  In fact, sometimes that creates more of a hassle than a help.

So, what do we do when we’re tuckered out and our kids are raring to go?  Well, I like to set them up with a self-directed activity and then sit nearby and read a book or rest while they are engaged in playing and learning at the same time.  Here’s a post I wrote a while back about some things kids can do mostly on their own.

There are tons of things that kids would love to do themselves, but often it feels like more work to let them.  Take cooking for instance.  Everyone I know loves to eat cookies.  And kids love to mix and bake them too.  Sure, they’re likely to make more of a mess than you would, but amazingly, they also often ENJOY cleaning up too!  I wrote a post about how to get kids to help with clean up too.

But, once you have them set up with an activity, the really challenging part begins.  We as parents must choose to take care of ourselves and actually REST, rather than jumping up to do another load of laundry or cleaning up after our kids while they’re still making a mess.  We need to learn to stop and take a break!

So, what can you do to maximize the 5-10min. window you have when the kids are happily engaged?  Here’s a list of some of my favorites:

1)     Close my eyes and take deep breaths (or meditate)

2)    Read a novel

3)    Take a bath

4)   Sit outside and watch the wind blowing through the trees

5)    Yoga

6)    Take a cat nap

7)    Smell the roses (literally)

What are the things that you could do to maximize the few minutes of restful time you can squeeze out of the day?  And how else do you deal with the exhaustion of parenting?  Please let me know, I could really use some help on this one!

Have a great week, Shelly

 

 

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Appreciating our bodies

Years ago a friend told me about a daily practice of self-love she had.  During her shower in the morning she would honor, thank, and appreciate each body part as she washed it.

My friend would touch the body part, clean it with care and think to herself, “Thank you hands, for everything you help me hold and manipulate.  Arms, I appreciate you for all the things you’ll help me carry today and all the things you helped me carry yesterday.  Ears, you are so incredibly useful and enjoyable.  Thank you for allowing me to hear music.  Feet!  You help me balance so beautifully…”  Sometimes she would give extra special care to a body part that was hurting or ailing her in some way.

When I first heard my friend talk about this practice I thought it sounded like way too much work first thing in the morning, but over the years I find myself doing this very thing more and more.  And the more I acknowledge my various body parts the more I enjoy and appreciate them.

I recently got a Tom Chapin CD from the library and my daughter and I listen to it throughout the day.  One song is called “My face” and the lyrics are all about why he likes the various parts of his face.   He likes his eyes, they’re like his spies, etc.  When we listen to the song, I notice the contrast of all the times during my childhood, adolescence and adulthood that I have failed to appreciate my body.

What frightens me is the thought that my own daughter could (and likely will) experience some of the same disdain for her wonderful body that I did as a young person.  Our culture seems to value only one body type for women and if girls only see supermodels in magazines and compare themselves to the one percent of women who are tall, thin, and busty, they are sure to find fault in their own bodies.  And it’s not just girls who are at risk for low self-esteem due to poor body image.  Boys also see the ultra muscular guys in catalogs and think that they can’t possibly measure up.

Luckily for us, by honoring, appreciating, and celebrating our bodies we can subvert the pop culture idea of beauty and teach our children about real and lasting beauty.  Continue reading “Appreciating our bodies”

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