Taking care of yourself – Page 4

October 14, 2009March 3, 2012

The upside of anger

OK, I’ll admit it, I haven’t seen the movie, The Upside of Anger, but I have experienced the benefits of anger for myself. I know it sounds strange, but hear me out.

As a young child I was terrified of anger. I was pretty much convinced that anger was the exact opposite of love and I did whatever I could to avoid the wrath of my parents. My theory about anger was proven right when I saw my parents who were often angry at each other eventually stop loving each other and divorce. So I resolved never to induce anger in others and also never to express it. You see, I’m all about the love and since anger was the opposite of love it had to go.

Everything seemed to go smoothly as I grew up, I focused on the positive, shoved my anger down and put on a happy face. And people seemed to like it. I was pleasant to be around, made friends easily, and got lots and lots of positive feedback.

Fast-forward twenty years… Continue reading “The upside of anger”

September 23, 2009March 2, 2012

Conscious Despair

A lot of these tips sound great in theory, right? And anything is possible when we’ve got our wits about us. But what about those times when we’re really just about to fall into despair? (Or have already fallen?)

I confess: I’ve called Shelly and said, “Help! I feel like a hypocrite–here I am writing and teaching about parenting stuff and I’m about to lose it myself!”

Granted, I may feel more challenged with some of my child’s ways than other parents do with their children. But I think many of us at least once in a while find ourselves at–or over–the brink of despair when we most need energy to cope.

I’m learning that “losing it” can be an important part of the process. Certainly, if it’s happening, it’s part of the process no matter what. I’ve talked recently about How to be in charge and still stay connected, as well as Imagining ahead of time how things will go.

Now I want to say a few words about what to do with some of our own more unsettling emotions, like despair.

The other night I was doing my usual juggling act of trying to clean the kitchen, feed my son, and not forget to feed myself (he eats so few things our dinners are almost always separate). It had been a hard day, and I was trudging along, doing what needed to be done.

As occasionally happens, he complained loudly about the food. That did it. I just didn’t have anything else in me to respond. So, I did what I’ve watched others do, but never had the nerve to do myself: I went limp. I said, “I can’t deal with this.” And I went into my room, closed the door and lay down.

Wow–what a moment. For once, I didn’t “make it okay.” It made me realize how much energy I spend all the time trying to “make it okay,” and here I was feeling not at all okay. And my son knew it.

Continue reading “Conscious Despair”

September 2, 2009March 2, 2012

One simple trick for hard times: Imagine how you want it to go

It’s finally hitting my son—he has two homes now. He’s struggling to make sense of it, and sometimes lashing out at me. I mean really lashing out—hitting, telling me he doesn’t live with me any more, and that I’m not part of his family. I’ve been thrown for more loops than I can count in a very short period of time. And it’s always like a surprise kick in the gut.

I realized I was kind of going victim about it all. I was seeing these scenario’s as something that was “happening to” me—I was not helping create them, but just reacting to them—in very knee-jerk, disempowered ways: impotent rage, fighting him in petty power struggles, taking it personally, and giving up and getting depressed.

Finally it dawned on me: I could create exactly the scenario I wanted. Continue reading “One simple trick for hard times: Imagine how you want it to go”

July 28, 2009March 2, 2012

What to do when they’re being demanding

Our first video blog!

Hey there! I’m so excited about my very first Awake Parent video blog! In today’s blog I’m answering a question from my friend Marcella, who’s having some challenges with her stepson. Sometimes he has a “demanding attitude” and Marcella is ready to transform this irritating behavior. Oh! And prepare yourself for our new audio program “Perspectives on Feelings” which will be available in August! More info coming soon about that. First, a quick video on dealing with a demanding attitude…

I would love to know what you think of my video blog. Please leave your feedback and comments below so that we can offer you the best, most helpful parenting blog ever. And, if you’d like to share about your own experiences, we’d love to hear them. Lastly, if you have a specific question you’d like us to write about or record a video on, please email us!

Love and hugs,
Shelly

July 21, 2009March 2, 2012

Listen to your body

I’ve been wanting to be a mom for as long as I can remember. And I’ve prepared in all sorts of ways for my future children. After I graduated from college I realized that I wasn’t very patient, so I went to work at a preschool (yeah, I love a challenge). I knew that 3 year olds were difficult for me to be with, so I headed straight for the 3-4yo classroom to practice patience and learn how little people learn best. More recently I was a nanny for several amazing boys, practicing newborn care, learning to handle sibling rivalry, and generally practicing for motherhood.

But now that the time for motherhood is getting closer, I’m getting a whole new education. I’m learning about my body. I had no idea how much I didn’t know about my own body, its cycles, its hormones, its fluids. I’m realizing now that my body is constantly speaking to me about all sorts of things all the time.

I’ve started reading “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler and this book is like the bible of the female body. Did you know that just by charting your waking basal body temperature you can know almost immediately if you’re pregnant? I mean, WELL before you miss a period. You can also know when you’ve ovulated, when you’re experiencing menopause, and how long your actual cycle is (instead of assuming it’s the average 28 days).

All this knowledge can really inform and educate us, and I can’t believe that it took me so long to discover it! It leaves me wondering, what else have I been missing out on? I’ve been so focused on child development, conscious parenting, and personal growth, that I’ve forgotten about my own body!

Sound familiar? Are you so wrapped up in the lives of your kids, your husband, and your best friend that you’ve forgotten something as simple as connecting with yourself and your own body? Well, I’m here to remind you to take a moment and check in. Maybe that looks like recording your basal body temperature and the position of your cervix, or maybe it’s just getting back to that yoga class. It could be as simple as taking the time to prepare yourself a healthy and delicious snack, instead of eating the leftover cookies in the bottom of the diaper bag.

I’m better about tuning in to my body than I used to be. When I was a preschool teacher I was constantly fighting off a cold or flu of some kind. I felt pressured to go to work even when I wasn’t feeling well because the administrators always had a hard time finding a sub. So, I would push myself and push myself until I collapsed. I was usually out for several days at that point.

Now that I’m self-employed, I’ve learned to listen to my body more. When I feel my immune system kicking in trying to fight something off, I take a break, I rest and pretty soon I feel better. I haven’t had a full-blown cold or flu in several years now. And I owe it all to listening to my body.

The same goes for injuries. I used to injure my shoulder or back or neck at least once a month because I thought I could lift more than I could safely, or I thought I “should” be able to carry the groceries all in one load. I was in too much of a hurry to listen. But then I’d pay the price. I’d be laid up for days, unable to use my arm or popping pain pills. Now I check in with my body every time I’m about to lift something heavy. “Is this OK?” I’ll ask. Don’t laugh, I actually have this conversation inside myself and sometimes my body says, “Stop! Don’t do that, find another way.” And again, with the guidance of my intelligent body, I haven’t felt the need to take any pain medication stronger than ibuprofen in over six years.

Now, I’m not saying that pain medication doesn’t have its place. You might hear your body say, “please give me some relief!” My point is not whether to take medication or not, it’s just to listen to the innate wisdom of your amazing body. By doing this, we also model this kind of awareness for our children. We can ask the same questions of them, and really listen and tune in. (More on that in another blog!)

So, take some time today and everyday to check in with your body. Remember, it’s trying to tell you something right this very minute, but we have to take the time to listen. I’d love to hear about your own experiences of tuning in to your body. What works? What hasn’t worked? And why do you think it’s important to take time to check in?

Sending big hugs, Shelly