Tuning into needs – Page 2

November 17, 2010November 17, 2010

The importance of observation

When it comes to babies, at my core, I am a scientist. The process children go through as they transform from a fetus into a walking talking human child in just the first 2 years of life fascinates me. It’s absolutely incredible really. As a scientist, I want to understand all I can about this amazing process. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned that is the same in both my scientific and my Montessori backgrounds, it’s that observation is the key to understanding child development.

My daughter has Erb’s palsy brought on by her shoulder dystocia during birth. At first I didn’t notice anything wrong, and since most babies heal on their own without any intervention, I just assumed she would too. She did seem to prefer to use her right arm and hand, but I didn’t know that wasn’t normal.

We have a wonderful pediatric physical therapist who is teaching me all about arm, shoulder and hand development in infants. She’s taught me that at three months old, Julia shouldn’t have a handedness or preference for one side over the other. So, I started paying closer attention to the specific movements we’re looking for and truly comparing her arm and hand development on the left with the development of the right. Much to my amazement there are differences that had gone unnoticed by me in the past. Although she’s starting to use her left arm more and more, she does raise her right arm above her head more often than she does with her left.

So, what does this have to do with you and with parenting in general? My point is that if we’re not paying close attention to the physical, emotional, and social development of our kids, things can slip through the cracks unnoticed. We have to take the time to actually pay attention to where kids are developmentally in order to know that they’re on track and, more importantly, in order to know how to challenge and encourage them to develop further. Continue reading “The importance of observation”

October 20, 2010

Mother worry

This week I discovered why every client I’ve ever had cries when I tell her she’s a good mother. There’s something about motherhood that taps into a deep-seated fear that we are not good enough. The truth is, everyone reading this blog right now is a caring and involved parent, so why is it that we all think we might be doing something wrong?

There’s something about our culture, and I’m guessing it has to do with media, that perpetuates the idea that there must be something wrong. But is there really? Maybe the very idea that there’s something wrong is the problem. What if we could all see ourselves as the wonderful parents we really are – even in the moment when the pediatrician tells us our child is not developing properly, or in the moment when our friends don’t like the way we discipline, or how about when we read a scary article online about the dangers of modern life.

I once heard a description of motherhood that it was like having your heart walking around outside of your body. Now I finally understand what they meant. My own anxiety about being a good mom has surfaced this week through several disturbing dreams. Continue reading “Mother worry”

March 3, 2010March 3, 2010

What we resist persists: practicing acceptance of the present moment

lotus-present-moment Wow, I really don’t want to write a blog today. I can feel myself resisting, procrastinating, and trying to find anything else to occupy my time. Sound familiar? Whether it’s dishes, laundry, taxes, a project for work, or just getting off the couch to get some exercise, we all have the tendency to procrastinate.

So, why do we stare in disbelief when after the 10^th time of reminding our kids to put their shoes on and get out the door, they’re still reading or playing with their toys? I’m pretty sure we’re engaged in a double standard here. We have a specific agenda that we’d like them to agree to, but they haven’t actually agreed. So instead of outright resisting, they procrastinate. Or sometimes they actually physically resist, and often they verbally resist.

But here’s the thing about resistance, what we resist persists. You don’t just go away and stop asking them to put their shoes on. And neither do they stop asking for the toy they saw on television, or for a trip to the ball game.

What can we do without giving in to every whim of our child’s but also without resisting? And how can we invite our kids to accept and embrace what we’re asking for, rather than resisting it? I think empathy is a key here. When I offer empathy to a kid who’s procrastinating, often, before I know it, he’s doing exactly what I asked. I suspect that’s because I didn’t resist what was actually happening in the moment.

It’s easy to get frustrated that things aren’t going the way we’d like. But this week, practice “being a yes” to whatever is happening. When we can accept the present moment for exactly what it is (rather than wishing it were something else) things will often shift more quickly. And we’re teaching our kids that getting mad about it doesn’t change the outcome, instead, accepting what’s actually happening (instead of resisting it) often gets better results and almost always is more fun and generally easier. Continue reading “What we resist persists: practicing acceptance of the present moment”

January 20, 2010March 3, 2012

Kids always have a positive intention

I know it sounds like an outrageous claim, but the truth is that kids always have a positive intention behind EVERY action. Even when he’s smearing peanut butter all over your computer keyboard, or convincing his little sister to eat dog food he has a positive intention. And when she’s cutting her hair, coloring on the walls with crayons, or purposely waking up the baby, even then, she has a positive intention.

Kids, just like the rest of us, are just trying to get their needs met. They may not always have the most effective strategies for getting what they want, but they’re always doing their best and responding to the world around them.

When we can assume a positive intention and even try to discover what that intention might be, suddenly we can move from feeling angry and exasperated, “Why in the WORLD would she DO that?!” to a state of compassion and understanding. “Oh, I see, she was needing some excitement and stimulation, so she woke up the baby to play with him.”

When we’re aware of the underlying needs behind our children’s seemingly bizarre behavior, we can start to empathize with them and teach them better strategies that will actually get them what they want. But first we have to learn to breathe and take a moment BEFORE we react.

Right now, imagine the most frustrating thing your child has done in the past week or so. Remember how you responded. Now, consider, what might be the positive intention behind your child’s actions? Imagine yourself in a similar situation in the future. Is there a way you could have responded that would have created more connection and understanding between you and your child?

Let’s try the “Assume a positive intention” technique:

You see your child doing something that makes your heart race and your mind jump to all sorts of troubling conclusions. You decide to implement assuming a positive intention behind all actions. First you breathe, then you think, “What could the positive intention behind this action be?,” then you come up with some idea, you check in with your child, “Sweetie, were you really wanting to see what why I won’t let you have food near the computer? Are you needing some more information and understanding about that? Were you enjoying the feeling of the peanut butter on your hands?”

Your child feels heard, understood, and maybe a little bit confused about why you’re not screaming at the top of your lungs yet. Now’s your chance to calmly let your child know how you feel about the strategy he’s chosen. Be sure to use the words “I feel” and then an actual emotion. “I feel worried when I see my computer caked with peanut butter, I’m not sure it will work any more and computers cost a lot of money, so now I might not have a computer any more. I feel sad about that.”

And finally, assuming you’ve kept your cool, your child should be ready for some learning! So now you get to share a new strategy for next time. “What could you do next time instead of putting peanut butter on my computer? Could you ask me about why I don’t allow food near it? Could you ask me for a cracker to smear peanut butter on? What do you think?”

I would love to hear your stories about the wild things your kids have done, how you’ve handled it, and what you think about the idea of assuming a positive intention as a way to practice understanding and compassion with children. Please leave me a comment! Hugs, Shelly