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Terrified of the Terrible Twos? How About Terrific Twos Instead!

Yes, it is true that two-year-old children don’t have much impulse control or emotion regulation skills and that coupled with their very strong preferences has given them a bad reputation as irrational and explosive. I’ve been told all sorts of things about “the terrible twos,” especially when I was a nanny and again as I prepared for motherhood. But it really doesn’t have to be this way. Tantrums and other toddler behaviors that are difficult for us are actually just a signal that a child’s needs aren’t fully being met. Luckily, we CAN meet those needs and enjoy far less of those pesky behaviors.

A couple of years ago I saw an amazing documentary film called, “Edison’s Day” which is about a 20 month old boy whose parents are both Montessori trained. Their whole home is set up to accommodate the budding independence of toddlerhood.  And their son Emerson is clearly thriving as he’s included in meaningful work, helpful tasks, and independent activities throughout his day. If you want to be completely inspired by what a toddler can accomplish if given the opportunity, definitely watch “Edison’s Day.”

I’ve done my best to set up my home in a similar way and have always encouraged my daughter Julia to develop independence as well as nurturing her ongoing cooperation in every possible moment.

And with a few adjustments to your home environment, the way you handle transitions, and your daily routines, you can have terrific twos just like Julia and Edison have! Here are some tips to get you started:

1)   Track your child’s ability to communicate and offer help.

Sign language, guessing what he wants and verbalizing for your child, and helping a child to simplify a sentence can all support toddlers in gaining the confidence to communicate their needs. “You want the cup? Can you sign ‘please’? OK!”

2)   Set up a leaving home and arriving back at home routine

complete with low hooks, a bin or basket for shoes, and a playful but consistent attitude. “We put our shoes away when we come inside.”

3)   Warn toddlers of an impending transition with plenty of time for them to get on board.

“We need to go to the grocery store. Would you like to go now or in 5 minutes? Is there anything you’d like to bring with you?”

4)   Empower your child with the skills and knowledge of the daily routine, self-care practices, and household tasks.

Toddlers are FAR more capable than we might think, so invite your child to try new things and try not to do things for them if they’re capable and willing to do it themselves.

5)   Establish a few very clear rules, post them publicly, and ask everyone in your child’s life to help you maintain those boundaries.

Also, offer an acceptable alternative if your child breaks a rule. “It’s not OK to throw books, but here’s a ball you can throw instead!”

6)   Establish a consistent daily routine and ask your child to anticipate what happens next.

“Do you remember what we do after we take off our shoes and coat?…That’s right! We go to the bathroom.”

So, why do these things make such a huge difference in the life of a two year old? For young people, routines create security. So the more predictable the daily routine is, the more likely your two year old will know what to expect and feel comfortable and prepared for what’s next.

And then there’s their budding independence. The “I do it,” stage. The more we can embrace and nurture a toddler’s autonomy, the happier and more relaxed they will be. That’s because a toddler’s main goal in life is to grow up and become a capable adult. They want to be just like us, so let’s help them learn how!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

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Do You Recognize the 7 Warning Signs of a Toddler About to Hit or Bite?

It seems to come out of nowhere. One second your toddler is playing peacefully near a friend, and the next moment the other child is running to you screaming, “He bit me!” or “She hit me!” You feel embarrassed, confused, and unsure how to proceed. Meanwhile the other child’s mom is staring at you like, “Aren’t you going to DO something about this?!”

You’re sure your friend or family member is expecting you to put your child in time out, but you’ve heard that punishment undermines your connection with your child, so what to do?

Obviously you need to address this with your child, however, a child who just hit or bit is clearly not in a learning mindset. Instead, your sweet child has stress hormones coursing through her system and is in fight, flight, or freeze mode.

Start by going over to your child, hug or hold her, make eye contact and use a simple phrase like, “Hitting people is not OK.” After that, you may want to empathize, “Were you scared your friend was about to take your toy away?”

Remember, a child who’s acting out is using her best strategy to communicate her needs. She’s not trying to hurt others or annoy you. She simply doesn’t know how else to protect her personal space or express her upset.

The good news is, kids can learn these skills quickly if you’re willing to give it some effort. The key to helping a child learn a new coping strategy is to catch the child BEFORE he employs the strategy you don’t like and then offer a suggestion in the moment when you can see he’s about to hit, bite, scratch, kick or whatever else your child does to protect himself.

So, if you have a child who resorts to hitting or biting, get ready to supervise closely for the next few weeks. Trust me, this intense supervision definitely pays off. You can rest assured that if you’re consistently there to stop your child from doing the unwanted behavior and you also offer an acceptable alternative, you’ll eradicate these behaviors in a few short weeks.

But how do you know when a child’s about to bite or hit?

Here are the 7 warning signs to look for:

1)   There’s no adult supervision or adults are involved in a conversation.

2)   Your child is tired, hungry, and/or irritable.

3)   Your child is frowning or looks unhappy whenever a friend comes near.

4)   Your child is acting possessive of a particular toy or item.

5)   You hear your child try to say “No,” raise his voice or begin to yell.

6)   Your child is clinging to you and/or whining.

7)   You see your child begin to act aggressively, with little body checks, shoves, or other physical acts.

While each child is different and has her own unique warning signs, you’ll find that once you’re looking for signs and signals that your child is about to hit or bite, you’ll begin to notice his particular way of ramping up his upset.

But if we can intervene before kids act out, we’re not just stopping them from a destructive and hurtful behavior, we’re also helping them learn to regulate their emotions and use more effective strategies for calming themselves down and establishing healthy boundaries with their friends.

And once your child feels comfortable setting clear boundaries, she’ll be much more likely to relax and enjoy her time with friends. When you feel confident that your child has the skills to use his words or other strategies, you can relax your supervision a bit. But you may want to remind everyone of the ground rules, before you leave the room.

Have a great week! Warmly, Shelly

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20 Easy Ways to Get Kids to Laugh Without Tickling

People have always known it and now science is beginning to prove that laughter really is the best medicine. After a good laugh we’re more relaxed, our blood vessels function better, we’ve released feel good hormones into our system, reduced our pain levels, boosted our immune system and even reduced blood sugar levels!

And that doesn’t even cover the psychological effects of laughter. People with a good sense of humor have been shown to recover from depression more quickly and they’re less likely to become depressed in the first place. There’s no question that laughter puts us in a better mood. So how can we help our kids release their pent up emotions through laughter?

Tickling is often the go-to method of getting young children to laugh. But when we’re tickling kids, they may or may not be enjoying it, and we have no way of telling whether they’re having fun or are upset. I can remember being tickled as a child and fearing that it would never end. I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t stop laughing, and I couldn’t even tell the person tickling me that I was no longer having fun.

That was until my mom came up with a way for me to control the tickling. We played a game in which I got to tell her when to start and when to stop tickling. And only then, did I feel safe during tickling.

So, if you typically resort to tickling to induce laughter in your child, I hope you’ll consider checking in to see whether it’s something they actually enjoy, and setting up a way for them to control the tickling.

And in case you’re wondering, there are tons of other ways to get young kids to laugh. And you don’t have to become an expert at comedy improv to do it (although it couldn’t hurt!).

Here are a few of my favorites:

1) Surprise them

2) Fall down

3) Put on a silly hat

4) Speak in a funny voice

5) Be forgetful

6) Run away from them

7) Chase after them

8) Pretend to “get” them

9) Use an accent

10) Pretend you’re the baby

11) Dance wildly

12) Pillow fight

13) Potty talk

14) Speak in gibberish

15) Mess up your hair

16) Knock something over

17) Pretend they’re getting into trouble “Don’t do that! Oh no! She did it again!”

18) Beg for something

19) Cling to them

20) Fake laugh or fake cry

The idea here is to make yourself the more vulnerable, forgetful, inept, and clumsy one and allow your child to take a position of power over you. This almost always results in peals of laughter, and don’t worry, kids know that this is a game and that you’re still ultimately in charge.

So, how will you invite and induce more laughter this week? My final tip? If you find something that works and makes your kid laugh, keep doing it!

I hope you’ll have a laughter filled week. Warm hugs, Shelly

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4 Ways to Make Sure Kids Know You’re On Their Side

Kids have a different way of thinking about life and their experiences than we adults do. They have a tendency to blame themselves for other people’s behavior. And they often make up wildly inaccurate reasons for why things happen the way they do. That’s all perfectly normal and experience will eventually show them that they’re not responsible for their brother’s broken arm or for a huge snowstorm.

But sometimes it can be difficult for a child to distinguish between friend and foe from moment to moment, even in their own home. One minute we’re their hero because we let them have a special treat, then next, we’re the enemy who won’t allow them to go to the party, or draw on the walls, or run naked through the house.

And when a child thinks her parent is the enemy, the connection suffers and the child is less likely to cooperate in the future. That’s a huge reason why research has shown that punishment is actually counterproductive. Sure, it lessens the incidents of the offense when kids are in our presence, but overall, punishments teach kids to hide their actions, figure out ways not to get caught, and live a more secretive life.

If you want your kids to adhere to certain rules because they see the value of those rules, connection is the key and punishment is a losing strategy. So how can we be sure our children know that we’re on their side, even if we won’t let them do everything they want to do?

Here are four ways to be sure your kids know that you’re a team:

1)   Sit side by side

When we’re across from each other, we have a tendency to be more antagonistic, we often feel defensive, protective and fearful in this position, especially if the other person is larger, has more power, and is upset about something. Instead, try sitting side by side, which encourages teamwork and helps us feel like we’re working together to solve a problem.

2)   Help them win their argument

Help them win their argument—When a child is arguing his position it’s easy to produce a stronger argument or to simply say no. Instead, try helping your child to strengthen his argument. Give him insider tips to how to convince you to change your mind. And if it’s something you can wiggle on, allow your child to win the argument and convince you to change your mind. This gives kids a sense of power and accomplishment and it teaches them that you’re willing to work WITH them, rather than against them.

3)   Offer empathy

When your child is upset about something, don’t try to convince her out of her feelings, instead, reflect those feelings back to her so that she knows you understand. “Wow, you’re really upset about that. It sounds like you’re feeling sad right now, is that right?” When your child is having big feelings, avoid explaining your position, convincing her to feel differently, minimizing her feelings, or changing the subject. And make sure your child knows that it’s OK to feel the way she feels and that emotions are a normal and natural part of life.

4)   Explain the reason for the rules

If your child questions the rules, explain them to him. Do this only if your child is reasonably relaxed but is curious. “The reason we always hold hands when crossing the street is because there’s safety in numbers. If you fell down, I could help you up. And since I’m taller than you, people driving cars can see me more easily and they’re less likely to accidentally hit you. I want you to be safe, so that’s why we always hold hands when crossing the street.” Avoid pat phrases like, “because I said so” as they don’t give a child any additional information and they imply that you can arbitrarily set rules for no logical reason. From a child’s perspective this can seem much more like a dictatorship than a team.

By using these four strategies, you can help your child learn to trust that you’re on their side and that even when you’re enforcing rules that they don’t like, you’re doing it for the good of the family, and not just because you wan them to suffer.

I’m curious, have you used these strategies before? Do you think they’ve helped you maintain a closer connection to your child? Or are you struggling to resist the urge to punish your kids? I would love to hear about your experience. Please share your thoughts below.

And have a wonderful week!

Warmly, Shelly

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Let’s Stop Controlling and Start Listening to Children

The urge to control our kids can be almost uncontrollably strong at times, can’t it? “I just want her to do what I want right now!” But whenever we’re struggling with a child and we want them to submit to our authority, we’re silently taking away everything we’ve said (or were about to say) to our kids about standing up for themselves against peer pressure.  We’re sending the message that we’re the more powerful ones and their ideas, thoughts, and desires don’t even matter.

Well I’ve got news for you. What children want does matter. In fact, I would argue that what they want is just as important as what you want. Yes, you are the parent and you get to make the final decision about what’s happening next, what the rules are, and how you’ll handle it when rules are broken. But if you’re really honest with yourself, is your desire to get out the door really more important than his desire to play with his trains for five more minutes?

As adults, I think we have a tendency to take our power for granted and since we live in a culture that values a power over approach, it can be difficult to get out of that destructive cycle. But I think it’s time for each of us to try.

Wouldn’t it be amazing to raise a child who already feels powerful and capable and knows that his ideas and preferences matter to the people who love him? Sure there are times when he’ll be disappointed, that’s just a part of life. We never get exactly what we want 100% of the time. But instead of engaging in a power struggle, I’d rather work WITH kids to help find a solution that actually works well for all of us.

I’m not talking about giving all of the power to your child, never setting any rules or boundaries, and being at the mercy of a kid who has power over you. That isn’t a healthy scenario for anyone involved.

What I’m talking about is avoiding forcing, coercing, bribing, or threatening and instead reasoning, helping, cooperating, and respecting children as the whole human beings they already are.

I’m talking about coupling increased power and autonomy with real world responsibilities so that our kids can grow up prepared for life both practically speaking and also in terms of their ability to negotiate for what they want and make a place for themselves in the big wide world.

Let’s stop forcing them to do our will, take a step back and watch what they do when we give them the freedom they’re yearning for. Let’s follow their lead more often and encourage them to develop their interests and go for their goals with gusto.

Instead of teaching children to follow the rules, do what adults tell them to do, and submit to our dominance, let’s learn from their wisdom, let them make the rules, and help them use their power wisely.

My bet is that children have a lot more to teach us than we might realize.

OK, end rant! 🙂

I hope you’re having a great week and I always love to hear from you.

Warm hugs, Shelly

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