Anger – Awake Parent

October 3, 2013October 3, 2013

8 Ways to Help Kids With Anger

Emotion regulation is one of the biggest challenges children face. Heck, emotion regulation is one of the biggest challenges anybody faces! So how can we help kids learn to feel, express, and experience their emotions in a healthy and productive way? Joy and happiness are easy to encourage and enjoy. But when kids feel frustrated and angry, it can be difficult to hold space for them and help them ease back into a regulated state without minimizing or squashing their emotional expression.

So here are my 8 ways to help your child with anger:

1) Reflect—

“It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated…is that right?” or “It seems like you’re still upset about that, are you?” are great conversation openers. Instead of asking a young child how they’re feeling, try guessing his feelings and then check in to see if you’ve guessed correctly. This helps kids to more correctly identify their feelings when they’re in the midst of them since thinking of the right words can be difficult when we’re emotionally activated. But do be careful not to simply assume you know what’s going on. It’s important to check in and ask so that our kids know that we’re tuning in and curious, rather than forcing our own ideas about what’s going on upon them.

2) Listen—

Instead of offering advice or suggestions, first, simply listen. Rather than asking questions or telling stories about how much you understand what they’re going through, just breathe, relax, and feel your heart as you get down on his level, make eye contact, and listen to your child.

3) Empathize—

Focus on the feelings and their underlying needs. For instance, “Are you feeling frustrated because you need some space from your brother?” or “Are you feeling upset because you need my attention and I’ve been unavailable?” By noting the need underneath the feelings, you’re helping your child (and yourself!) to better understand what’s happening and how to help herself avoid a future incident.

For instance, when kids understand what they’re needing, they’re more likely to be able to ask for it! And when you are able to connect feelings to their underlying needs, you can help your child by prompting her to ask. “It sounds like you’re getting frustrated. What would help? A snack? Some time alone? How can you ask for what you’re wanting right now?”

4) Hold space—

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give to someone with big feelings is to simply witness them and hold space for them while they express themselves. Of course you do need to make sure the expression is safe for you and your child, but many times, simply being there and relaxing your own body can be a wonderful grounding rod for a child who’s feeling out of control. You don’t need to say anything at all, but if you feel the need, something simple like, “I’m here,” “I hear you,” or “It’s OK to feel angry (sad, upset)” is best.

5) Offer alternatives—

Hitting people is not OK, but if your child seems to desperately need to hit something, offering a healthy alternative can be incredibly helpful. Hitting a bed, couch, or pillow can be a good redirect for a child who has trouble controlling her body and lashes out at people. Ultimately, you want your child to be able to let go of her anger without needing to hit, but allowing her to hit an inanimate object can be a good interim step on the way toward a more advanced method of processing anger. The same goes for throwing, spitting, or any other unwanted behavior. By offering a healthy outlet, you can help your child learn self-control AND allow her to express her feelings through her body.

6) Reconnect—

Many children who experience an explosion of anger have feelings about the outburst afterward. Sometimes they feel scared, ashamed, or worried about what happened. Reconnecting after an outburst is a great way to remind your child that you love him no matter what. It’s also a time when he’s ready to hear your reassurances that it’s OK to have big feelings and stories about how you feel angry sometimes too. Tune in to your child’s favorite way to reconnect, whether it’s snuggling, physical play, or some other cherished family ritual. Also remember to respect your child’s time frame as some kids need some alone time to process what happened before they’ll be ready to reconnect with you.

7) Envision the future—

After the incident is over, talk with your child about how you might handle a future similar situation. During an upset, your child is unable to process any new information and will simply shut down further if you attempt to problem-solve or make suggestions about what to do differently next time.

But later, when the emotions have cooled, you can ask questions and offer ideas about how you can both handle the situation better next time. This helps kids get into the habit of envisioning a more appropriate way to deal with their upset. You might practice some breathing and relaxation techniques, or role-play a similar situation. Be sure to ask your child what she thinks would help and really listen to her suggestions. Children have an innate wisdom about how to help themselves.

8) Model what you want—

This one might be the most difficult to implement, but it’s also the most important. Children get their cues about how to behave from us. So if we aren’t able to stop ourselves from exploding in anger, we can hardly blame them when they do the same thing. If you’ve noticed that you’re having your own “tantrums” then it’s time to do some self-empathy and begin to catch your upset, and address it BEFORE you’re yelling or breaking things.

You can apply all of the above keys to your own exploration of healthy anger release. And remember, it’s OK to feel angry, it’s how we behave when we’re angry that makes the biggest impact on our relationships. If you feel that your own anger gets out of control at times, I highly recommend seeking professional help. A therapist or life-coach can help you learn how to deal with your own anger in healthy ways and then you can model that for your kids.

One more note on this. Humans have an incredible ability to empathize with others that is helped by special neurons called “mirror neurons.” Simply put, these mirror neurons are activated by the emotions in the people around us and cause us to feel what others are feeling. What this means for your parenting is that the more at peace you are, the more peaceful your children will be, and the more activated you feel, the more upset they will get.

So, if you notice your child getting upset, first try to calm yourself down and then help your child. And trust that if you’re able to maintain your composure, your child will be more likely to regain his composure sooner too.

I know that a lot of these suggestions are easier said than done, but I trust that your efforts in emotion regulation for both yourself and your child will pay off big time. Please don’t hesitate to post comments with thoughts, questions, or other suggestions. I appreciate your participation here!

And have a great week, Shelly

March 7, 2012March 7, 2012

What To Do When Toddlers Throw

Toddlers love to throw things, and why not? Throwing is fun and in our evolutionary past it was a crucial skill for young hunters to develop. Unfortunately for us, this urge to throw often comes out at the worst possible times and with the most breakable or dangerous items around. It also often happens when a child is frustrated, so it can be difficult to know how to respond. So what can you do if you have a toddler or young child who loves to throw things?

Redirection is the key to avoiding injuries to you and your child during the development and practice of throwing. Here’s what I say when Julia throws something inappropriate. “Ut oh, books (hard plastic toys or animals, forks, dishes, etc.) are NOT for throwing. If you’d like to throw something, let’s go get a ball or a beanbag!” to which she will often respond by happily running over to her basket full of balls, choose one, and throw it.

Granted, she is only 19 months old and isn’t very good at throwing yet. And, we don’t have a “no throwing balls in the house” rule…yet. But what about your three or four year old boy who is REALLY good at throwing and you DO have a “no balls in the house” rule. Then I’d find some indoor throwing activity to redirect toward. You might invite him to throw his stuffed animals against the wall in his bedroom or offer him some beanbags and a box or basket to throw them into.

One of the reasons this redirection works for me is because I am completely supportive of a child’s desire to throw something. In fact, I think that throwing things is a beautifully healthy way to release frustration or anger, as long as the activity is safe for everyone and everything involved. Have you ever angrily thrown rocks into a lake? Then you know what I mean. It’s a movement that feels REALLY good.

So if you’d like to use this strategy, first examine your thoughts or beliefs about throwing. Is it actually OK with you? If your first thought is “no” then I invite you to get creative and come up with a situation in which throwing is actually OK with you. Perhaps it’s throwing crumpled paper into the trash or recycling can. Or maybe it’s throwing paper airplanes. It could be OK to throw lightweight puff-balls at a target on the wall. Or maybe it’s OK to go outside and throw a tennis ball. When you’ve discovered at least one throwing activity that works for you, that will be your initial redirect the next time your child attempts to throw something that isn’t OK to throw.

But do beware, having just one possibility for throwing is likely to create resistance in your child. It might work the first few times, but then your child will get bored and frustrated, feeling boxed in to only one way to express her frustration. Instead, I’d recommend coming up with two or three ways for your kids to express their frustration through throwing and then offer them choices when they are about to engage in a throwing activity that is not allowed.

I would love to hear some other ideas and strategies for how you’ve handled inappropriate throwing with your kids. Please share a story or comment below!

And have a wonderful week! Warm hugs, Shelly

March 17, 2010March 17, 2010

Redirecting anger in healthy ways

angry Everybody gets upset and angry sometimes and when I was young I thought that having someone near me who was angry was just about the worst thing ever. But now that I’ve grown up and gotten in touch with my own anger, I actually think there are some really great benefits of anger! You can check out my blog: The upside of anger for more details about that.

Recently in my coaching, several parents have shared their guilt over getting angry in front of their kids. I totally get it. It’s hard to keep our cool when we’re feeling really frustrated, but after we lose it, we feel guilty and concerned that we may have somehow damaged our kids. For starters let me say, you’re not doing any long term damage to your kids if you lose your temper once in a while. Kids are very resilient and amazingly able to let things go. But if this is a challenge you struggle with often, I’ve got some thoughts and ideas to help you manage your anger in a more healthy way. You can also teach your kids some of these techniques so that everyone in your family is practicing healthy expressions of anger.

The first rule of expressing anger in a healthy way is to stop directing your anger AT people. When we direct our upset at other people, we’re blaming them for our feelings. But from the perspective of Compassionate or Nonviolent Communication, we know that our feelings are caused by our own unmet needs, not by the actions of others. When we can stop blaming others and begin to take responsibility for our own emotional experience, it can be one of the most empowering experiences in life.

And just think, once you’re able to manage your own anger in a more healthy way, you can begin to teach your kids to do the very same thing! So, what can you do with your anger and frustration without directing it at other people? Continue reading “Redirecting anger in healthy ways”