It’s easy to get into a pattern of saying things like, “Stop!”, “No!” or “Don’t do that” with kids. They’re constantly experimenting with both the physical world and with social boundaries. As a result they have a tendency to do things we don’t approve of or enjoy at least some of the time (and often a LOT of the time).
How we handle these moments can make a huge impact on a child and on what they’ll choose to do the next time. Because their subconscious mind is actually more developed than their conscious mind, kids have a hard time hearing negatives. Instead, they tend to focus on the real content of what we’re saying, rather than the positive or negative we’ve tacked on to it. So for instance, when we say, “Don’t pee in your pants” kids hear “Pee in your pants” and when we say “Stop hitting your brother” kids hear “Hit your brother.”
When we realize that kids hear and understand differently than adults do, it’s much easier to have compassion for their behavior. Often times, they’re not consciously intending to be defiant, they simply aren’t processing all of what we’re saying and they’re compelled to do the very thing that we’re putting so much energy and attention toward.
So while we try to focus on the positive in our everyday lives, it’s all the more crucial that we do so with young people. Rather than, “Don’t fall” try saying, “Be careful” or “Watch your step” and instead of “Stop hitting” try “Remember to be kind to others” or “Let’s use our hands for loving kindness.”
Children respond incredibly well to positive reinforcement of the behaviors we most want. When we can remember to let them know that we appreciate and enjoy what they’re doing, kids are easily able to do even more of those things. But when we forget and begin to tell them about all the things they do that frustrate and upset us, young people are compelled to do more of those things, simply because that’s where the focus and attention is. If you want to find out more about the power of your attention, check out my former blog on just that subject. Continue reading “Working with the child mind: Saying what you DO want gets the best results”
