Tag: Autonomy

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Want to Instantly Turn Defiance Into Cooperation? Try This!

Some of the most frustrating moments I’ve experienced while being with young people are those times when I really need their cooperation and instead I get met with defiance. I’m trying to get out the door and they refuse to put on their shoes. I want to sit down for dinner and they’re running around the house screaming. I’d like to brush their teeth and get them ready for bed, and they just want to keep playing. Ugh!

I’ve tried lots of strategies to transform those moments, and now that my daughter is approaching 3, I’ve been getting even more opportunities to help her move from defiance to cooperation. Granted, we’ve done a LOT of work to develop ongoing cooperation already, but there are times when I can see, she’s just not interested in going along with what I’m wanting. She wants to assert herself, choose her own path, and often in those moments what’s most fun is to choose the exact opposite of what I want.

So, what do I do? I quickly change my position. “Don’t put on your shoes. I do NOT want to see those shoes on your feet.” This reversal instantly encourages my daughter to continue to “defy” me with a glint in her eye as she deviously puts on her shoes.

I protest loudly, “No, no, no! Stop that right now! Oh no, she’s doing it!” And she begins to giggle as she rushes to do all of the things I “don’t” want her to do. “Well, whatever you do, don’t put on your jacket. Hey! You little rascal! What do you think you’re doing?! Get back here! Don’t you dare climb into your car seat! Oh no!”

My daughter absolutely loves this game because she gets to express her defiance, without actually causing any real conflict. And she gets to be the powerful one while I’m relegated to mock frustration and helplessness as she does all the things I’m so desperate to stop her from doing.

In case you’re wondering, it’s obvious to everyone that we’re playing a game. In fact, after playing this game whenever needed over the past few months, now Julia actually asks to play it when she’s not feeling particularly cooperative.

“Will you tell me NOT to do it?” she’ll ask.

And I’m happy to oblige. This game has turned countless moments of potential conflict and parental frustration into a super fun game full of giggles. And best of all, I get the cooperation I was asking for in the first place. It’s really a win-win.

So right now, consider an area of conflict that you’ve been experiencing with your child. Is there a way to reverse your position so that your kids can defy you by doing exactly what you’re wanting? Can you completely let go of your frustration and upset and play with your child instead? Between your new found playfulness and the reversal of power involved, your child will be helpless to resist the fun to be had.

Just one warning though, you do actually have to be able to drop your attachment to the outcome and have some fun. If kids sense that you’re only playing the game to get them to do what you want, it won’t be nearly as fun or effective. So do your best to fully step into character, be the weak and helpless one, and beg them not to do the thing you’re actually wanting. And if they start giggling, you know you’re on the right track!

I would love to hear about your experiences with this and other similar games. Please share your story with me below!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

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Terrified of the Terrible Twos? How About Terrific Twos Instead!

Yes, it is true that two-year-old children don’t have much impulse control or emotion regulation skills and that coupled with their very strong preferences has given them a bad reputation as irrational and explosive. I’ve been told all sorts of things about “the terrible twos,” especially when I was a nanny and again as I prepared for motherhood. But it really doesn’t have to be this way. Tantrums and other toddler behaviors that are difficult for us are actually just a signal that a child’s needs aren’t fully being met. Luckily, we CAN meet those needs and enjoy far less of those pesky behaviors.

A couple of years ago I saw an amazing documentary film called, “Edison’s Day” which is about a 20 month old boy whose parents are both Montessori trained. Their whole home is set up to accommodate the budding independence of toddlerhood.  And their son Emerson is clearly thriving as he’s included in meaningful work, helpful tasks, and independent activities throughout his day. If you want to be completely inspired by what a toddler can accomplish if given the opportunity, definitely watch “Edison’s Day.”

I’ve done my best to set up my home in a similar way and have always encouraged my daughter Julia to develop independence as well as nurturing her ongoing cooperation in every possible moment.

And with a few adjustments to your home environment, the way you handle transitions, and your daily routines, you can have terrific twos just like Julia and Edison have! Here are some tips to get you started:

1)   Track your child’s ability to communicate and offer help.

Sign language, guessing what he wants and verbalizing for your child, and helping a child to simplify a sentence can all support toddlers in gaining the confidence to communicate their needs. “You want the cup? Can you sign ‘please’? OK!”

2)   Set up a leaving home and arriving back at home routine

complete with low hooks, a bin or basket for shoes, and a playful but consistent attitude. “We put our shoes away when we come inside.”

3)   Warn toddlers of an impending transition with plenty of time for them to get on board.

“We need to go to the grocery store. Would you like to go now or in 5 minutes? Is there anything you’d like to bring with you?”

4)   Empower your child with the skills and knowledge of the daily routine, self-care practices, and household tasks.

Toddlers are FAR more capable than we might think, so invite your child to try new things and try not to do things for them if they’re capable and willing to do it themselves.

5)   Establish a few very clear rules, post them publicly, and ask everyone in your child’s life to help you maintain those boundaries.

Also, offer an acceptable alternative if your child breaks a rule. “It’s not OK to throw books, but here’s a ball you can throw instead!”

6)   Establish a consistent daily routine and ask your child to anticipate what happens next.

“Do you remember what we do after we take off our shoes and coat?…That’s right! We go to the bathroom.”

So, why do these things make such a huge difference in the life of a two year old? For young people, routines create security. So the more predictable the daily routine is, the more likely your two year old will know what to expect and feel comfortable and prepared for what’s next.

And then there’s their budding independence. The “I do it,” stage. The more we can embrace and nurture a toddler’s autonomy, the happier and more relaxed they will be. That’s because a toddler’s main goal in life is to grow up and become a capable adult. They want to be just like us, so let’s help them learn how!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

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“I don’t need you anymore.”

Last week I was absentmindedly helping Julia put on her shoes when she pushed my hand away and said, “I don’t need you anymore.” Initially I was shocked (she’s 2!), and then I felt hurt. Then I understood that she didn’t mean that she will never need me for anything ever again.

Afterward I thought about how silly it is that such a small sentence could send me into an emotional tailspin, especially when it came out of the mouth of a two year old. I mean, I’m supposed to be the adult and she’s the child!

But that’s parenthood, right? Maintaining composure with friends, colleagues, co-workers and other family members is a breeze compared to keeping our center when our beloved child says something unexpectedly hurtful. We know they don’t INTEND to be hurtful, and even if they do, it’s just their way of exploring boundaries and understanding emotional experiences.

I know that by maintaining composure and sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings from a grounded place, I can help my daughter develop empathy and become more emotionally intelligent.

But it hurts like hell to have your child say something like, “I hate you,” or “Go away, don’t touch me!” So how can we maintain calm composure when our children are spewing their most powerful poison at us?

First we have to remember that they are children. That doesn’t mean that their words are meaningless or that we shouldn’t take them seriously. It means that they aren’t fully aware of the effect their words can have yet and they’re still exploring concepts of power, empathy, and their impact on others.

The problem with breaking down in the face of our children’s attempts to explore their power is that it can actually be scary for them to realize that they can cause emotional upset in us. What children most want is a strong and compassionate parent who can hear the message underneath their hurtful words.

So, next we could translate their words into the underlying feelings and needs they’re trying to express. For instance, when Julia said, “I don’t need you anymore.” I could have thought, “Oh, she’s feeling frustrated because she needs autonomy and accomplishment.” What a difference a little bit of interpretation can make!

Or if a child is saying, “I hate you! Go away!” they may need reassurance that we love them no matter what. They could also need some space, but many times when children push us away with their irritating, or hurtful behavior it’s precisely because they’re testing our resolve to stay and love them no matter what they say or do. If I were able to stay composed in this scenario I might say something like, “I hear you. It sounds like you’re feeling angry, and that’s OK. I love you no matter what and I’m going to stay right here in case you need a hug.”

On the other hand, if I sense that a child really does just want some alone time, I’m happy to offer that too. It’s really just a matter of interpreting what we think the underlying feelings and needs probably are in this particular instance.

Think back to a time in the past few weeks when you’ve lost your cool with your kiddos. Can you identify their underlying feelings and needs? Can you identify your own? How might you have handled the situation differently if you were able to maintain relaxed composure?

I do think it’s important to process emotional content after the heat of the emotion has passed. During an upset, no one is able to learn from the experience. But afterward, by playing games, getting curious, and doing some role-play, we can often turn the most upsetting experiences into opportunities to learn and grow.

I would love to hear about your own moments of emotional turmoil when something unexpected comes out of your child’s mouth. Please share your story with us by leaving a comment below!

And have a lovely week, Shelly

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Why We Montessori (my new school just opened!)

About six months ago I realized that Julia is ready for preschool. She loves to go to story time at the library, enjoys social interactions, is absorbing information at a phenomenal rate, and is beginning to test the rules and boundaries, all indicators of readiness for greater social challenges. So I went and visited a hand full of preschools in my area. Most of them wouldn’t admit a child under three years old and since Julia isn’t quite two yet my choices were somewhat limited to a few Montessori toddler programs with pretty steep price tags.

I’ve worked in Montessori classrooms for years and while I loved the programs I visited, I balked at the price. Then I visited some programs that were not Montessori and I was again reminded why I love the Montessori classroom so much. The chaos, clutter, and lack of clear boundaries that I observed at some of the other schools I visited re-inspired me to continue to use Montessori philosophies to teach Julia at home. The only problem was that I don’t have any other children, so there’s no mixed age classroom and a distinct lack of peer interactions.

So I decided to open a Montessori-Inspired preschool and toddler house here at home two mornings a week. This was my first week of class with just one new student, but I was already impressed by the children’s immediate ability to engage with their work, follow my rules and directions, clean up after themselves, and innovate new and interesting ways to explore the environment. My new school is already a success!

Now Julia is getting the social interaction she’s been craving and she is already more physically adventurous after watching her new friend climb jump and play. Hooray! Plus, now I have an even better excuse to spend my evenings creating learning materials. Yes, I really am that much of a Montessori geek. Three part cards are rocking my world right now. More on that in a future post, but for now I’ll just say it’s wonderful to be back in a Montessori classroom.

Here’s a list of a few of my favorite things about Montessori vs. Traditional preschool environments:

Montessori Traditional
Peaceful, quiet, and focused on individual exploration; children are engaged in meaningful learning and expanding their interests and attention spans. Chaotic and loud; children are running around like maniacs with few opportunities for sustained attention.
Lots of choices and children are each doing their own thing, which emphasizes awareness of ones own interests, needs, and desires. The whole group does things together which emphasizes herd mentality and going along with the group.
Mixed ages means children can both learn from one another and teach one another. Varied social experiences and celebration of each child’s unique skills and expertise are the norm. Same ages grouped together means children have little experience navigating social interactions with older and younger children. A child’s only mentor is the teacher.
Clear rules, boundaries, and expectations about the use of materials and the need to put activities away so that the next person can use them creates a culture where cleaning up is just a matter of course. Children end up enjoying cleaning and often choose cleaning activities for fun! Undefined expectations about how to use toys and materials can lead to destructive behaviors as children search for the boundaries. Children are given free reign to create a huge mess and then inconsistently asked to help clean up at the end of the day but never develop a deeper care for their environment.

So, there you have it. Just a few of the reasons that a Montessori or Montessori-Inspired environment is the only one my daughter will be in. And to those of you out there who choose Waldorf for your kids, I’m curious about how you would include the Waldorf philosophies and practices in my chart. I don’t know much about Waldorf but from what I do know, the philosophies sound interesting and aligned with my heart, but my observations of Waldorf in action have been less than stellar. I would love to be converted to a Waldorf lover (although I think Montessori education will always be my first love). So, please leave me a comment to teach me more about why Waldorf is another great choice for conscious parents!

And have a fantastic week. Love, Shelly

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