Tag: Autonomy

Posted on

Five Steps to Independent Play

Independent play can be elusive when our kids are accustomed to being entertained, read to, or otherwise catered to, but things don’t have to stay that way. You can create an environment that entices your child to engage in hours of independent play with minimal supervision and virtually no need to guide or direct them. But there are some essential steps to take to make your foray into independent play a success.

Here are my five steps to independent play:

1)     Provide a safe space- First things first; if you aren’t absolutely certain that your child is safe, you’ll never be able to allow her to play alone in the other room. Safety is probably the most consistent barrier to independent play that I’ve observed in the homes of my friends, colleagues, and clients. On the other hand, when you know that your child can’t possibly pull the bookcase over on him or get into the medicine cabinet, you’ll be amazed at how much easier it is to let them do their own thing.

Here’s a list of potential hazards to be sure you’ve handled:

  • Drowning- children can drown in just a few inches of water at the bottom of a bucket. Coolers with melted ice, bathtubs that didn’t get drained, and even toilets can be a drowning hazard.
  • Strangulation- any cord longer than 12 inches can be considered a strangulation hazard. Be sure that all blinds cords are up and out of reach and that children don’t have access to ropes, ribbons, or strings that are longer than 12 inches.
  • Fire/Electrical- covers on all electrical outlets and knob or other safety covers on your stovetop are an important precaution.
  • Choking- Small items that can cause choking should be removed until children are at least three years old.
  • Falling furniture- Heavy dressers and bookcases cause injury to children every year. Be sure your furniture is bolted to the wall, especially if you have a climber (and even if you don’t).
  • Chemicals, medications & plastic bags- Cleaning chemicals, all medications (even over the counter) and plastic bags should all be out of reach or in a locked or childproof drawer or cabinet.

2)     Provide fascinating materials- what is your child deeply interested in? If you’re not sure, find out! When children are provided with materials that spark their interest, they will explore, experiment, and play for long periods of time. However, if they still have those same five books on the shelf that never get touched, it might be time to rotate something new into that unused space. Check out my homeschool blog for ideas of inexpensive and DIY materials that can provide hours of learning.

One more note on this, don’t assume that a very young child won’t be interested in complex topics or information. You’ve seen my daughter showing off her geography knowledge. She also loves to learn about birds and frogs from my adult field guides and photo books. My friend’s two-year-old son is obsessed with hockey, and I know a six year old who loves medieval history! Don’t underestimate your child’s interests.

3)    Provide ample opportunities & invite your child to play alone- I know you’re busy and you’ve got all sorts of fun and exciting activities to do, but take a moment to consider the trade off that happens when you over-schedule. Without a lot of unstructured time at home, your child doesn’t have the opportunity to develop skills in dealing with boredom or engaging in an independent self-directed activity. Instead, he’s looking over his shoulder expecting to be told what to do next. And by actively inviting your child to play alone, you’re actually supporting him in problem solving and creativity.

4)   Stop interrupting your child when he’s engaged in independent play- this is a tough one, even for me. I often forget that my daughter’s activities are just as important as my own agenda. But take time this week to notice all the moments when you’re actually interrupting your child’s concentration. Notice all the times when she’s playing alone and you’re bothering her with requests to put on her shoes and get out the door.

OK, now that you’ve noticed how often you interrupt your child, try to reduce your interruptions. Sometimes all it will take is finding one more thing you need to do and waiting for your child to seek you out. Other times you may have to restructure your day or skip that trip to the park you had been planning. Just remember that by allowing your child to come to a natural conclusion of independent play, you’re cultivating a long attention span, an ability to make clear choices about what to do next, and a bunch of other benefits I’m forgetting about right now.

5)    Make yourself less available & invite your child to do his work- this last step can be a tough one, especially if you’re the involved parent that I know you are. But if we want our children to develop their own skills in independence, decision-making, and engaging in meaningful self-directed work, we MUST take a step back and allow our kids to figure things out on their own sometimes. Check out this blog I wrote about how to set a clear boundary between your work and your child’s and check out that novel from the library that you’ve been meaning to read. Having a book is always a great way to remove your attention if you’d like to stay in the same room with your child. And since you’re not texting or on the computer, you’re modeling the importance of reading too! I also find that children are less likely to be distracted by my activities if I’m reading a book, rather than checking email. An open computer can be an irresistible invitation to a child.

I hope these suggestions have been helpful and I would love to hear about your own adventures in encouraging independent play. Please share your thoughts or stories in the comments below! And thanks so much for participating in our community!

Warm hugs, Shelly

Posted on

Video: Reduce Tantrums With This Tip

Here’s one last video with content from my new eBook “Cracking the Kid Code: Discovering the secret to having a happy child, family and home.”  This time I wanted to share one of the most important pieces of information that parents often forget.  That children really do want to do it themselves!

What are your children excited about doing all by themselves right now?  Tell me now!

Posted on

Open and close activities are a big hit!

Have you ever noticed how much young children love to open and close things? And how they’ll repeat the opening and closing action again and again? If you think about it, we open and close things all the time in our daily lives, so why wouldn’t children want to learn this important skill? One of the things that continues to surprise me about open/close activities for children is how many times they’ll repeat the action. I’ve seen kids absorbed in this work for well over thirty minutes at a time.

In the Montessori classroom we always had an open and close activity that the kids would gravitate toward, so I knew my daughter would enjoy learning to open and close things. But I had no idea just how MUCH she would enjoy it! We currently have an Open/Close activity in my office and every time my office door is open, my daughter makes a bee-line to it, takes the objects out of the box and begins to open and close them again and again and again.

Here’s a video I took last week…

My 13mo. old daughter doing her open/close activity from Shelly on Vimeo.

One of the great things about this activity is that it can grow with your child. Right now I have a couple of small metal tins, a small jar with a lid, and a plastic container with an attached lid in the activity for my 13 month old. But when she’s 3 years old, we’ll have a coin purse with a zipper, a box with a latch, and some other more challenging items.

Even if your child is 7 or 8 years old, you can find fun things to put in an open/close activity. Most 8 year olds I know LOVE figuring out how to lock and unlock padlocks or even the front door of their house. Of course you’ll have to decide what you’re comfortable with.  Learning to open and close plastic baggies and food containers can be a fun challenge too.  Remember diaries with locks?

So, the next time you get annoyed that your little one is emptying your purse out on the floor of the restaurant, remember, he’s just trying to learn about opening, closing, and containment. Oh, and he’s probably also looking for a toy or a treat too and I’m guessing he’ll find one!

Consider creating an open/close activity to keep at home, or a portable one for when you’re out and about. You can offer a lunch box filled with containers or an old purse you’re willing to give to your child. Begin collecting small items that have unique and interesting closures.

Once you have a few items compiled, arrange them in a basket or box and display the activity in an accessible location. When your child shows interest in the new “work,” sit down together and demonstrate opening and closing each item before allowing her to explore the activity on her own.

For added interest for your older child, include a small car, animal, doll, or action figure inside each container. For your reader, label the containers and invite your child to put the appropriate item back into the container when he’s finished playing.

We are having so much fun at our house with our open and close activity. I would love to hear about your experience with this fun work! Please share a comment below. And have a great week! Warmly, Shelly

Posted on

Back to school separation anxiety

School is starting! What an exciting and stressful time. You’re probably rushing around purchasing school supplies and wondering how your child will separate at the door. Or maybe school has already started and your child is in the throws of separation anxiety, completely freaking out when you leave. Be assured, the transition can and will go smoothly, it’s just a matter of time and technique.

Transitions are almost always challenging for young people and that goes for both large and small transitions. Moving from bath time to bed can produce a lot of upset, so it makes sense that starting back to school (or starting school for the first time) would also cause some emotional ripples.

First, know that you are not alone. When I taught preschool there were always a few children in every class who had a difficult time separating at the beginning of the year. But after several weeks, everyone was transitioning joyfully.

Now, I’ll give you the same information and advice I gave the parents in the classroom that helped to resolve the upset quickly and fairly easily.

The most important thing about a morning school separation is that it is QUICK and that the parent is calm, comfortable, and relaxed. The more you can leave your own feelings of sadness, upset, and anxiety at home, the better your child will do.

I don’t mean to imply that you won’t HAVE upsetting feelings, just that you’ll do your best to experience and work through those feelings AWAY from the door of your child’s classroom. So, when you’re at the door, you’re projecting calm confidence, trust, and warmth. This is HUGE.

Why quick? The more time you spend helping your child get his things into his locker, making sure he has his lunch, asking the teacher about the schedule for the day, and giving him multiple hugs and kisses, the more time he has to recognize that you are uncomfortable (or that he is). Also, when your child sees you in and around his classroom, he begins to wonder why you can’t just spend your day at school with him. After all, you are one of his favorite people in the whole world, so why wouldn’t he want you to stick around?

What your child may fail to realize is that school is an opportunity for her to branch out socially and become more independent. It’s a growth opportunity and having a parent present could actually undermine her motivation to reach out to new friends.

But, when new friends and teachers are the only choice available, you’d be surprised how quickly children can acclimate and enjoy the new environment. Often, the kids who have the greatest separation anxiety are the same children who bond to the teachers and other kids quickly. The classroom becomes a new base of operations and they easily rely on their new community for the help and support they need. This is a very important skill.

Do you remember a time from your own childhood when you felt unsure, afraid, and you wanted to cling to someone or something familiar? Giving your child a keepsake, a slap bracelet, a hand stamp, or some other reminder of you can be a great way for your child to remain connected to you, even as she stretches her wings socially. But don’t go too crazy, leaving elaborate notes in her lunch every day. Take your cue from your child, what does she ask for and need?

Acknowledging your child’s feelings can help too, but again, be brief. Something like, “Honey, I know you’re feeling worried and that’s OK. I think some other kids are feeling the same way. If you need help, you can ask your teacher. I bet you’ll have a great day. I love you and I’ll see you at 3:00,” should be sufficient. And you can always talk more after school.

Next, if your child is having a difficult time separating, talk to his teacher and ask about their policy on separation anxiety. Some schools will call you if your child is inconsolable for longer than half an hour or so. Or it may be OK for you to call to check in. I always loved giving worried parents the news that their child was happily playing and working just minutes after they had left the room.

You’ve chosen to put your child in preschool, private, or public school for a host of reasons, so take a moment to ground yourself and feel into those reasons. You know what is best for your child, now it’s time to trust, let go, and enjoy the ride.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

Posted on

How I Became an EC Mom

OK, so for those of you who don’t know, EC stands for elimination communication. Yep, you guessed it; this blog is about peeing and pooping, so if you’re the least bit squeamish on that topic, read no further! A friend of mine asked me to share about our EC journey, so here it is:

The first time I heard about elimination communication it sounded completely insane to me. I heard wild stories of families who NEVER used diapers and I pictured an entire house covered in plastic drop cloths with some pretty gross repercussions. Sure, if we were living outside and could just hold our babies away from our bodies like I read about in “The Continuum Concept,” I could imagine not using diapers. But I live in a house, and it really bothers me when my dogs or cats fail to go in their designated locations, so why would I allow my child to just pee and poop all over the place? At that moment I decided that EC was not for me.

But after my daughter was born, I read a really great article in Mothering magazine (Oh how I wish they were still publishing!) about elimination communication. In the article the author described lots of different ways that families could go about practicing EC to various degrees. Some families used diapers some of the time, and other used them most of the time but also watched for signals from their child that it was time to go. Through the article I was introduced to the idea of “catching” my child’s pee and poop and that’s when it happened. I became an EC mom.

A good friend of mine had given me TONS of great baby gear hand me downs, so I dug out the small Baby Bjorn potty you see in the photo. When my daughter was about a month old I took off her cloth diaper and sat her up on the potty. She didn’t seem to like the feeling of the cold plastic on her toosh, so I grabbed a pre-fold, cut a hole in it and put it between her butt and the potty. That one sacrificed cloth diaper made all the difference! After that, my little one was happy to sit on the potty whenever I thought to try. But, she didn’t actually go in the potty yet. That was OK with me though, I just wanted her to get used to sitting on the potty and wasn’t attached to achieving any specific goals yet, I think this is key in proper potty training. Looking back at my baby calendar I see that she had her first poop on the potty at 8wks and her first pee at 10wks old!

After my little one had some better muscle control and was able to sit in her Bumbo (around 4 months old) I put the potty in front of the mirror in her room and sat with her for up to 10min. at a time. She loved her potty time! We would make faces, look at books, and talk about increasing our intrathecal pressure, complete with grunting. and bearing down together. At that point she would occasionally go during potty time. We were making progress!

I still wasn’t able to see any signs from her or predict when she would need to go, but we just tried a little potty time here and there when the mood struck me. And then we introduced solid foods at 6mo. Whoa! Suddenly my daughter’s poops became solid and then I noticed that she seemed to go at around the same time, during the morning between wake up and her first nap. After some experimentation I narrowed it down and caught a poop! I was so happy not to have to scrub that cloth diaper that I became determined to catch more.

At some point during her sixth month, I realized that I always pee when I wake up in the morning, so she might need to as well. I tried putting her on the potty first thing after we woke up in the morning and magic happened. She peed AND pooped that first morning and has almost every morning since. I was elated! I had suddenly gone from soaking, scrubbing, sunning, washing and drying poopy diapers to simply dumping the poop in the toilet and getting on with our day!

Now we put her on the potty after she wakes from sleep and a couple more times throughout the day and she almost always pees. She clearly knows what the potty is for (and has since around that six month mark) and although she will hang out for up to thirty minutes if needed, she more often goes within five to ten minutes and then waits for me to wipe and re-diaper her. Yesterday, for the very first time, she finished her business and then stood up.

I know that a lot of EC parents talk about the importance of noticing the cues and the deep connection they feel with their child about these important bodily functions, but for us, EC is more about practicality and ease.

I also like the notion that I’ll never have to “potty train” my child. Sitting on the potty is just something we do every day already. And just for the record, I don’t think our version of EC is something we could only do because I’m a work from home mom. We’ve taken our potty to Grammy’s house and even on vacation with us! All of my daugher’s grandparents and babysitters have used the potty with her seamlessly.

The next step in our journey will be to teach my little one how to signal when she needs to go. So, I’ve begun signing “toilet” every time I say the word potty. No luck yet, but given our success so far, I’m not too worried. I’m pretty sure that she’ll put two and two together in no time.

So, how many of you have gone on your own EC journey? I would love to hear how it went or is going. Please share your stories with us!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

Proudly powered by WordPress