Tag: Behavior

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The art of conscious ignoring

Photo by Juliet Cook

I’ve talked a lot here about giving kids attention but I haven’t yet shared about the art of  conscious ignoring.  Well, I really do think there’s a time and place for everything and ignoring your kids can sometimes be the best choice in a given moment.

For instance, if you’re about to escalate a conflict, yell at them, curse, or otherwise treat them in ways you don’t want to, try ignoring instead.  By ignoring their behavior, you’re sending the message, I don’t like what you’re doing and you won’t get my attention by behaving in that way.

Often whether they know it or not, what kids are most wanting when they act in the most extreme ways, is your attention.  So, by removing your attention in the moments when you know you can’t respond responsibly, or in the times when you feel that giving them negative attention will just fuel the fire, you can actually create more calm and promote better behavior from your kids.

Obviously this is not a strategy to use very often, and if your tendency is to withhold your attention, watch out.  What I’m talking about here is making a conscious choice to ignore, as the best choice among others in your repertoire; not getting in the habit of automatically taking away your attention to coerce kids to behave in ways we want them to.   My point is that we all have times when if we had just been able to turn away rather than engage in an old unhealthy pattern, things would have turned out better. Continue reading “The art of conscious ignoring”

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One simple trick for hard times: Imagine how you want it to go

It’s finally hitting my son—he has two homes now. He’s struggling to make sense of it, and sometimes lashing out at me. I mean really lashing out—hitting, telling me he doesn’t live with me any more, and that I’m not part of his family. I’ve been thrown for more loops than I can count in a very short period of time. And it’s always like a surprise kick in the gut.

I realized I was kind of going victim about it all. I was seeing these scenario’s as something that was “happening to” me—I was not helping create them, but just reacting to them—in very knee-jerk, disempowered ways: impotent rage, fighting him in petty power struggles, taking it personally, and giving up and getting depressed.

Finally it dawned on me: I could create exactly the scenario I wanted. Continue reading “One simple trick for hard times: Imagine how you want it to go”

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Got a wild child? Give ‘em more responsibility!

I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but working in preschools has taught me that when kids act out, it’s often because they’re bored and want attention from us. I’ve noticed that when I give these kids MORE responsibility, jobs to do, and tasks to complete (without being too ATTACHED to them actually accomplishing the task) they respond by becoming more driven and successful.

This creates a positive cycle in which:
1) You notice some behaviors you don’t like.
2) Rather than focusing on those behaviors, you offer alternatives in the form of tasks, jobs, or responsibilities (careful here though, these must be tasks that would be nice to have done, but which are true requests- not demands). Continue reading “Got a wild child? Give ‘em more responsibility!”

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Conscious television: Four ways to avoid guilt and get more in the groove with the tube

I’m always humbled into a moment of silence when a parent tells me, “We don’t have a television.” I think, Wow, no fallback plan when you’re craving a moment of silence with every cell of your body; Enduring kids’ inevitable comparisons to friends’ families who do have on-screen entertainment.

I also admire them for being part of a committed cadre of people who have taken a huge step to find alternatives to prefabricated images, to stimulate their kids’ imaginations.

I am not one of those people.

Maybe I will be when I grow up.

In the meantime, purity (such as being 100% free of TV) feels like a luxury to me, or else a supreme effort I’m not usually up for.  Incremental choices do count, and can be incredibly powerful. I breastfed most, not all of the time. I eat meat only occasionally, sparing the cows and the planet more than my palate alone would choose.

Similarly, every household with a TV (and I daresay that’s most) gets to make choices about when the TV gets turned on, what gets watched, and what (if any) kind of interactions adults and kids have around the content.

Continue reading “Conscious television: Four ways to avoid guilt and get more in the groove with the tube”

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Use your words, Mama! How to be vulnerable AND strong with your kids

I now have great sympathy for whomever said, “Children should be seen and not heard.” Sometimes it feels like the last thing I can manage is to process yet another whine, yell or insult at the end of a long day. It’s times like those I want to reach for an “off” button. Or to borrow Shelly’s patience :-).

While responding to Jasmine’s comment last week, I started thinking about the different ways I handle behaviors that challenge me. While there are probably an infinite number of ways I respond, I can think of two main ways: vulnerable and controlling.

A simple way of breaking it down is, sometimes, when I feel sad, angry or frustrated, I feel myself opening, expanding, and dropping down into the feeling. Sort of an “Ahhhhhh” sense to it. That’s the vulnerable way.

Other times, I feel myself contracting, pushing the feeling aside and trying to control the situation. More of “Spit-spot, let’s go!”-Mary Poppins sort of feel to it. (Well, on a good day.) Continue reading “Use your words, Mama! How to be vulnerable AND strong with your kids”

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