Breastfeeding – Awake Parent

August 7, 2013August 7, 2013

8 Breastfeeding Myths That Make Me Want to Scream

Happy Breastfeeding Awareness month everybody! In honor of this important topic, I’d like to share some of the breastfeeding myths that make me want to shake people and yell, “What?! No!!!! That’s just not true!”

1) Breastfeeding is sexual

Um, excuse me but while our culture has sexualized breasts, their original and primary function is to FEED BABIES. Yes, breastfeeding feels good, but it’s definitely not sexual, and nursing in public is certainly not displaying our breasts to be ogled or even an overt attempt to make you uncomfortable.

If my baby needs to eat, I will feed her. Period. It’s not about you. It’s about meeting my baby’s needs as best I can so that she can learn to trust that the world is a benevolent place and know on a fundamental level that she is deeply cared for. I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable by nursing in public, but I will do it and hope that others will too until it just becomes normal and no longer makes people cringe, blush, or turn away.

2) Nursing in public is immodest

OK, so what about this group of people who claim that breastfeeding in public is fine, as long as it’s hidden under a cover or in a bathroom stall. I’m sorry but I don’t like eating with a blanket over my head and neither does my baby. And don’t try pulling that “nipples are obscene” crap either, men’s nipples are shown ALL THE TIME and nobody makes a fuss. Get over it.

3) Formula supplementation is necessary

The truth is that formula supplementation can lead to a reduction in milk supply which leads to more formula supplementation and before you know it and despite your best intentions, you end up giving up on nursing entirely.

Yes, there are some instances where babies need formula supplementation, like when they are unable to digest protein and need medical intervention. But what bothers me is how often nurses and hospital staff freak parents out with percentages of weight loss and then push formula supplementation on them in the early days of their baby’s life when the nursing relationship is still so new and newly developing.

My milk didn’t come in until day 9 and the doctors were concerned about my baby losing so much weight. So I did supplement, but I did it with donated breast milk using a tube so that my daughter was sucking at the breast while she received the donated milk. That helped stimulate my milk production and gave her the benefits of breast milk, even before mine came in.

I guess I just want new moms to know that there are other options and they don’t HAVE to use formula if they don’t want to. And I think hospital staff tend to downplay the potential long term effects on your milk supply, so please consider the decision carefully before you decide to supplement with formula.

4) Toddlers and preschoolers are too old to nurse

Oh this one really pisses me off. Anthropologically, it’s believed that humans have nursed until ages 3-5yo for most of human evolution. We nurse until we’re ready to give it up, until our needs for comfort transform into hugs and snuggles, and until most of our caloric needs are met by solid foods. The age at which these milestones happen can be different for different kids. And sure, the mom also has a say in how long she’s willing or able to nurse. But this idea that once they’re talking they’re too old for their “milky” is just ridiculous. That’s a personal decision to be made between mother and child. It’s actually not anyone else’s business, so take those judgments elsewhere please.

5) You should pump so that others can feed your baby

Excuse me but someone else’s desire to feed my baby is not a good enough reason for me to attach myself to a machine for half an hour to get a couple of ounces of milk out. If you like pumping, more power to you Mama, but for me, it was a hassle, I never got much milk, and I MUCH preferred the experience of snuggling up with my baby to hanging out with that machine.

I worked hard to arrange my life so that I would be able to work from home, nurse my baby for 2 years, and spend time bonding with her. Yes, it required a big commitment to be available to her for about half an hour AT LEAST every 3 hours (and often for shorter nursing sessions much more frequently), for 2 years but it worked well for us. I guess I just want you to know that if you don’t want to pump and store extra milk so that others can feed your baby, you don’t have to. Even though you might get some pressure to do so, you should only do what works for you and your baby. Everyone else will adjust, and before you know it your sweet baby will be weaned and on to new adventures.

6) Breastfeeding takes too much effort

Unfortunately, our society is not based on what’s best for children and families. Instead, the almighty dollar seems to determine our fate far more than we’d like. But there are some things that are worth pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones and brainstorming new solutions.

Yes, nursing in public can be uncomfortable, especially when you get dirty looks or nasty comments from passers by. Yes, you’re required to be near your baby more frequently and can only have small windows of time away from him. But have you SEEN all the new studies showing what a huge benefit breastmilk is to your baby? Better immunity, better emotional security, and even a higher IQ? I think breasfeeding is well worth the effort.

Oh, and when I see parents shushing their screaming infants while trying to mix powder and water as quickly as humanly possible, I think, “Wow! That looks like a lot of effort. All I have to do is pull down my shirt and I have instant access to the most nutritious food my baby could want!”

7) Breastfeeding doesn’t hurt

It’s a nice idea and all, and maybe for some women breastfeeding never hurts a bit. But most of the women I talked to said it hurt a LOT for the first couple of weeks and then settled down after that. Unfortunately for me, the pain didn’t cease and since all I heard was, “it shouldn’t hurt” I didn’t realize that I had Raynaud’s phenomenon of the nipple until my daughter was 9 months old.

Although it was once considered rare, new studies estimate that up to 20% of women may suffer from Raynaud’s, many of whom are misdiagnosed with thrush, and given antibiotics unnecessarily. Often, not understanding the cause of their pain, women stop breastfeeding because it’s so incredibly painful to continue. But there are herbal solutions (like red pepper) and there’s a medication that can bring relief of these symptoms and help moms continue to breastfeed, even if they have Raynaud’s.

8) Advocating for breastfeeding means I think you’re a bad parent if you formula feed

I do want to acknowledge the fact that not everyone is able to breastfeed. If you’ve tried hard to nurse your baby and still weren’t able to breastfeed, please know that I support and appreciate your efforts. And I don’t think your baby’s immune system will be drastically compromised or that formula will make your baby stupid.

Your care and attention have a far greater impact than the milk your baby consumes. There’s no shame in being unable to breastfeed. I just wish our society was set up in such a way that we could help each other out, nurse each other’s babies and tell formula companies to go take a hike.

So what are the breastfeeding myths that most bother you? I would love to learn even more about breastfeeding this week, so don’t be shy, please share your thoughts, ideas, articles and resources with the rest of us by leaving a comment.

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

October 24, 2012

My Top 12 Resources for New Parents

I just found out that a good friend of mine is pregnant. Well, technically his wife is pregnant. But as soon as I found out I immediately wanted to create a list of resources for them so that they wouldn’t have to go through the heaps of conflicting and confusing information out there (unless they really want to).

I know my friend and I are aligned on many topics, but within about five minutes of talking with him it was clear that he was about to embark on a whole new world (parenting) that he has never really researched before.

So, here’s my list of the top twelve resources I recommend for new parents. I used these all myself and include an explanation about why I trust the resource or what I like about it.

Here goes:

1) Baby Center’s Pregnancy Calendar: Although Baby Center is a pretty mainstream resource and includes some information that isn’t completely aligned with my attachment parenting and natural lifestyle I still really enjoyed the pregnancy calendar. I could go there and see how my baby was developing week by week and read about the miracle that was happening inside my body. Fun fun fun!!!

On a not so fun note, Baby Center also has a miscarriage support group. Miscarriage happens more often than is generally believed and women who experience it need to seek immediate support from friends, family, counselors, and support groups. If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, please don’t go through it alone. Reaching out for support can be hard, but it’s crucial to the healing process.

2) Movie: The Business of Being Born Although this film was somewhat disturbing to watch, I think it’s important to realize how and why birth in hospital has become the norm in America and to recognize that there are other choices out there. And if you do choose a hospital birth, I hope you’ll know your rights so that you aren’t forced into any procedures or medications you don’t actually want. This one is an eye opener for sure.

3) Birthing class: Hypnobabies I loved my hypnobabies class SO MUCH and it really helped me with the pregnancy and first two stages of birth. The affirmations were incredibly uplifting and the daily practice of self-hypnosis is a wonderful way to unwind and relax. I still use some of the techniques I learned in this class! And even if Hypnobabies isn’t for you, definitely take a class about birth. You’ll be glad you did.

4) Consider hiring a midwife and/or doula. If you’re planning a homebirth I highly recommend hiring both a midwife and a doula. And even if you plan to birth at the hospital, a doula is a must. A doula’s entire job is to be there for emotional support for the birthing mother. This has multiple benefits from decreasing pressure on dad to helping mama remember what procedures and medications she does and doesn’t want. I would not want to birth without this crucial support.

5) La Leche League is a wonderful organization committed to helping women breastfeed successfully for as long as they wish. There are local groups all over the place and they’re mother led (no “expert” telling you what you’re doing wrong). I found the group meetings very encouraging and connecting and my local leader was available by phone to personally answer all my questions. Do beware, this organization is all about breastfeeding, so conversations about using formula might not go over so well.

6) I also HIGHLY recommend Kelly Mom dot com for really great research based information about breastfeeding. I was on Kelly Mom all the time in the first few months of breastfeeding and continue to use it as my #1 resource for all things breastfeeding related.

7) If you’re having a boy, you’ll have to decide whether or not to circumcise him. I sincerely hope you’ll chose to leave him intact. Here’s some information about why: http://www.intactamerica.org/learnmore and if you do leave him intact, you’ll need to know how to properly care for an intact penis so definitely check out this article about the importance of NOT retracting the foreskin.

8) Even before your baby is born you’ll have to decide whether you want to follow the recommended schedule for vaccinations (since they’ll offer you the Hep B vaccine at birth). I found Dr. Sears’ book on the subject “The Vaccine Book” incredibly informative and well balanced.

9) Dr. Harvey Karp has developed a theory about the missing 4^th trimester that really makes sense to me. And his techniques for calming fussy babies really work. While I don’t recommend calming your baby using these techniques all the time (babies do need to express their feelings just like the rest of us), there are times when I think Karp’s 5 S’s were the difference between peace and rest and hours of purple crying for us. I read the book and watched the DVD but I think viewing the DVD once or twice will give you all you’ll need to use these techniques when you know your little one is needing help to relax and rest. Oh, and our local library had it, so see if you can check it out before you run out and buy it.

10) Although I know she’ll cringe when she sees that I’ve recommended her right after the above, Janet Lansbury is a fierce advocate for infants and toddlers. She shares practical information about how you can be there for your child without interrupting or overpowering their innate desire to learn and grow naturally. And after reading her articles you’ll be left with a greater respect and awe of infants than you ever thought you’d have. And you might also realize that parenting an infant doesn’t have to be as all consuming as popular culture would have you believe.

11) Dr. Laura Markham is a wonderful resource for parents. She supports parents in using respectful and developmentally appropriate responses to the challenges of parenting young children. Every time I read her stuff I’m left thinking, “yes, yes, and yes.”

12) And lastly, Hand in Hand Parenting is one of my greatest inspirations. When I first witnessed a friend holding space for her child to feel his big feelings I was left speechless. Recognizing that tantrums are a cry for connection has completely shifted how I respond to my own daughter when she freaks out. And I think this work has also deepened my own commitment to feeling and expressing my feelings, no matter how unpopular they might be.

OK, so there you have it. These are my top 12 resources for new parents. I just realized I didn’t include any books, so I’ll have to do another post on my recommended parenting books another time! I hope you’re all having a great week and I would love it if you’d add any important resources I’ve forgotten to the comments. Thanks!

Love, Shelly

August 8, 2012

I put myself into hypnosis to deal with the pain of breastfeeding

Wow, breastfeeding. It’s one of those things I always knew I wanted to do, but until I experienced it myself, I had absolutely NO IDEA how challenging it could be. I thought, “We’re all built for this, so it will just automatically happen and it will be easy.” Unfortunately, that was not the case for me.

Breastfeeding did happen, but it certainly wasn’t easy. For the first two weeks, my milk didn’t come in so I pumped like crazy and gave my daughter syringes filled with milk donated to us by a neighbor. If you’ve ever had to use the syringe method to supplement your breastfeeding then you know that you need about six hands to be able to accomplish it, especially when both mother and baby are new at breastfeeding. But we got through that hurdle and my daughter started gaining weight. Hooray!

The thing is, breastfeeding was extremely painful! No one told me that breastfeeding would hurt. It was so bad that I would often bite myself to keep from screaming out in pain as my daughter latched on. My La Leche League leader told me she likely had a shallow latch. My peers told me that the pain would go away after a couple of weeks. I described my symptoms but no one seemed to know why I was in pain.

As the weeks turned into months, I decided that I was just super sensitive and I would just have to learn to live with the pain. So I began to use self-hypnosis to manage my pain. I had learned how to hypnotize myself for and it worked pretty well to help me relax, even when I was experiencing discomfort. I would lie on my side, take a deep breath, turn off (relaxing every muscle in my body), and after that the pain was bearable.

We nursed like that for 8 more months. And then I wrote a blog post about how I was hypnotizing myself to get through the pain of nursing. One of my readers left a comment about how I shouldn’t be having so much pain and I might want to look into Raynaud’s phenomenon of the nipple. Well, after a quick Google search I finally figured out why I was in so much pain, I was having vasospasms in my nipples that made nursing extremely painful. I was SO RELIEVED to have an explanation for my pain!

Vasospasm can be caused by cold and/or emotional distress, as well as some nutritional deficiencies so the first thing I did was begin to cover up with a warm blanket every time I nursed. I also researched some herbal vasodilators and found that red pepper and cinnamon both help to open and relax blood vessels. I started to put red pepper on my eggs in the morning and I used cinnamon in my oatmeal. I cut out caffeine, took my vitamins, began to get more regular with my aerobic exercise and I got some acupuncture. After several weeks my pain went away!

For the first time since my nine-month-old daughter was born, I nursed pain free. I wish that was the end of the story and for almost a year I did continue to nurse pain free. But a few months ago, the vasospasms returned and the pain was worse than ever. I contemplated weaning because the pain was so intense and my daughter was nearing two years old. But I didn’t like the idea of weaning because of my vasospasm, it seemed too abrupt and when I’m not in pain, I really enjoy nursing my daughter! I had hoped to wean slowly and have her weaned at around 2 ½ yrs old. The herbs weren’t cutting it this time so I went ahead and called my OB/GYN and got a prescription for a very low dose of blood pressure medication that has been shown to work for Raynaud’s of the nipple. It worked!

I’m pain free again! The only problem is, I’m taking medication to stay that way. I tried going off the medication when I thought things were under control, but the pain came back and now I’m back on the meds. It does seem strange to me to be taking medication so that I can slowly wean my daughter.

I thought I would do child-led weaning, but it certainly hasn’t worked out that way for us. I have led the weaning efforts, starting with night weaning and getting down to just three times a day now. My daughter has adjusted beautifully. But she definitely doesn’t want to give up her “milka” any time soon. Has anyone else out there gone through something similar? Any thoughts about how I should proceed? Doesn’t it seem strange to be taking medication so that I can continue to nurse? I would love some support, suggestions, and information. So please leave me a comment!

And have a lovely week, Shelly

July 20, 2011March 8, 2012

Nursing, co-sleeping, and having great sex

I’ve been reading a bunch of stuff online lately about nursing and co-sleeping becoming a wedge between parents and negatively affecting their sex lives. Sure, sleeping with a baby causes us to change the timing and sometimes the location of sex, but my husband and I have found a great way to keep romance alive while I’m nursing and co-sleeping with our daughter. We like to call it “date nap”.

I had thought that my daughter would be a more sound sleeper than she is. Both her father and I LOVE to sleep, but she seems more worried about missing out on things than concerned about her beauty sleep and she tends to awaken at least once and sometimes several times in the evening. Since I often nurse her back to sleep at that time, having a date night and leaving her with a sitter, hasn’t been an option that I’m willing to try.

Honestly, these days I’d really rather be home with my daughter than out on the town, but skipping date night all together sounds like a recipe for disaster in our marriage. We absolutely love spending time just the two of us. So, we came up with a solution that works well for us- date nap. Whether it’s during the day on the weekend or in the evening after she’s in bed, my husband and I watch movies, soak in the hot tub, talk, and have sex, while our daughter peacefully sleeps.

I can see how this would become even more challenging if we had an older child who was no longer napping, but I still think that if we prioritize our romantic relationships, we can enjoy thriving sex lives AND raise confident, self-assured, well attached kids. That is to say, I can continue to nurse on demand and co-sleep with my daughter without jeopardizing my marriage.

In fact, my husband is just as committed to our nursing and to everyone getting the best possible sleep as I am. So he’s willing to get creative about our love life in order to ensure the best start for our daughter. If I’m honest, I think he actually enjoys the fact that we have to sneak around and sometimes end up in unusual locations. It’s always a good idea to change things up once in a while, we wouldn’t want to get into a rut!

So this week, take stock, is your sex life suffering because of your commitment to your kids? If so, is there a way you can integrate great sex back into your life even while you remain true to your parenting values? I would love to hear what you think about “date nap” and would enjoy any other suggestions you have for keeping your sex life alive and vibrant while raising kids. Please leave me a comment.

Have a wonderful, sensual, fun, and connected week, Shelly

P.S. If you’re in the SF Bay area (or are willing to travel there), my friends Erwan and Alecia have a fantastic live course called the Pleasure Course that will completely transform your sex life and help you experience more connection and pleasure than you ever knew was possible. Seriously, these guys are the real deal.

March 24, 2011April 28, 2011

Hypnosis, one of my new favorite tools

Have you ever found yourself ruminating about things, going over and over the experiences of your day, beating yourself up about the way you talked to your child, and not able to relax to sleep at night? Well, I occasionally find that relaxing to sleep is difficult for me, but I have found a wonderful solution! Self-hypnosis helps me turn off my mind and relax my body enough to go to sleep. It has also been helping me handle the pain I experience during nursing.

I first learned self-hypnosis during my pregnancy through my Hypnobabies birthing class. Through the use of guided CDs we created a “switch” that I can now use to turn off the muscles of my body and completely relax. It’s one of the best skills I’ve learned in the past year.

So now, whenever I find myself ruminating or tense when I’d rather be relaxing, I simply “turn off” and instantly relax my entire body. Amazingly, the process of turning off my muscles seems to naturally relax my thoughts too!

I have struggled with pain during my entire nursing experience. For the first 9 weeks of my daughter’s life the pain was so excruciating that I would bite my hand in order to take my attention away from my nipples. And now, more than 7 months into nursing, I still have days when my daughter’s mouth feels like a vice clamp.

It took me a while, but in the past few weeks I suddenly remembered what I learned in my birthing class and have been practicing “turning off” when I begin to nurse. Wow, what a difference! Instead of leaving a nursing session in pain and tension, I actually feel relaxed and refreshed. And I’m certain that my milk is flowing more easily now that I’m more relaxed too.

So, how does this apply to you? Well, you might think that self-hypnosis is difficult, takes lots of training, or wouldn’t be possible for you, but I’ve learned that we are in a state of hypnosis often throughout our day, we just might not recognize it. Continue reading “Hypnosis, one of my new favorite tools”