Clean-up – Awake Parent

April 15, 2014

9 Gentle Parenting Hacks That Really Work

(I originally wrote this article for Lifehack.org)

Parenting in a gentle and respectful way is no easy task, especially when your child is ignoring you, refusing to cooperate, or outright defying your every request. Sometimes offering a bit more direction can be helpful, but other times, it seems no matter what you do, you end up locked in a power struggle, feeling frustrated, and wondering what you’re doing wrong. After all, they’re supposed to WANT to cooperate when we treat them with love and respect, right? If only it were that easy.

During my years as a preschool teacher and a nanny, my job depended on my ability to remain calm and garner cooperation. I simply couldn’t allow myself to yell, threaten, or physically harm the children in my care. So I was forced to find new and creative ways to deal with defiance that didn’t involve losing my temper and subsequently losing my job.

These simple gentle parenting hacks have REALLY paid off with my own child. Because even though I’m infinitely more sleep deprived and clearly no one can fire me from motherhood, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve that my daughter can hardly resist. I hesitate to call them “tricks,” because it’s not that I want to outsmart or psychologically manipulate my child into compliance. I simply want to get the day’s jobs accomplished with the least amount of resistance or conflict and the most possible fun, care, and connection. And I completely refuse to punish, threaten, or bribe my child unless I absolutely can’t come up with any more creative solutions.

So please take these suggestions in the spirit in which they’re offered. Not as a way to get what you want at the expense of your connection with your child, but as a way to help young people express their underlying needs and desires and still perform the daily tasks that are required of them, such as getting shoes on, getting into their car seat, getting dressed and the like.

OK, so here are my top 9 favorite tips, “tricks” and gentle parenting hacks to help your day with your young child go more smoothly:

1) The Big Race—

Ready, set, go! Young people love to race and be timed to see how long it takes them to do a task they feel confident in. Proposing a race is a great way to get the job done quickly without a fuss because it meets a child’s needs for fun and play even while you’re enjoying the efficiency and speed with which they’ve completed your request. Counting aloud or using a stopwatch is the best way to remind a child that the race is on. But remember, this only works if it’s a fun game, not if it’s overused or used as a threat or a requirement to beat their former time.

2) Surprise me!—

This one is working like a charm right now with my daughter. She loves to surprise one or both of us and also enjoys colluding with one parent to surprise the other, so if she’s resistant to a particular task I simply suggest that I would be VERY surprised if…and then I completely ignore her to give her a chance to complete the task at hand. I’m always sure to give a big reaction, “WHAT?!! You ALREADY brushed your teeth?? Wow!” to encourage a repeat performance at another time. This gives her the satisfaction of a job well done and she gets to impress us with her well-developed skills.

3) Don’t you DARE—

When she’s really feeling defiant, I’ve found that it’s best to go with the defiance and figure out a way for her to do exactly what I want by completely defying what I’m saying. It’s clear to all involved that this is a game and my daughter delights in my protestations, “Oh no! Don’t do THAT! Rats! She’s doing it.” She especially loves the notion that by doing the given task, let’s say, getting her pajamas on quickly, she’s forcing me to do something I don’t want to do. “You’re going to MAKE me read stories, aren’t you? I was really hoping you’d dawdle so that I wouldn’t have to read tonight, but now you’re all ready and I’ll have to read. Awww.”

Children love to reverse roles once in a while so that they’re the more powerful ones, making us do tasks we don’t enjoy, rather than the reverse, which is more often the case. By giving your child this small joy, he can release his feelings of frustration and upset through laughter and connection much of the time. And personally, I much prefer holding space for laughter fits over tantrums.

4) Show me. I’m not sure if you know how—

Young children love to prove their knowledge and prowess, so while you don’t want to minimize their abilities on a regular basis, some strategic questioning of their skills can produce immediate results. “Wait a minute, I’m not sure, do you even KNOW how to put on these shoes?” will often get a much more positive response than, “I know you know how to do that, why won’t you just cooperate?!” That’s because in the first instance, you’re playfully inviting your child to prove that they are capable, while in the second, you’re likely feeling frustrated and wishing there was some way to force them to your will.

5) Will you be my helper?—

Similar to the above, children love to showcase their talents and especially enjoy teaching younger children recently acquired skills. “Will you please help your little sister learn to put her coat on all by herself? She doesn’t know how to do that yet,” will get far better results than a repeated request to get ready and get out the door. If this one doesn’t work right away, drop it and try something else.

6) How many can you pick up?—

When asking a child to put away a large number of objects, say Legos, blocks, trains, stuffed animals or dinosaurs, it’s helpful to turn it into a fun game of counting as you place them into their bin or basket. Sometimes I’ll help, especially to get things started, but usually as soon as I get to 10 the children around me want to participate. I always end the clean up by announcing how many objects we picked up, “Wow! We cleaned up 37 dinosaurs! Who wants to put them back on the shelf?”

7) Let’s pretend—

I don’t know very many kids who happily run out the door and jump into their car seats consistently, especially if they’re not excited about where they’re headed. But even this daily task can be turned into a fun game by pretending to be animals and running, jumping, hopping, skipping, flying, or slithering to the car. How would a cheetah get into a car? What sounds does an eagle make when it lands on its treetop nest? Can you reach your wing under the strap?

Engaging your child’s imagination in the midst of a mindless and required daily task can make life more fun and interesting for both you and your child. Before you know it, you’ll be on the road discussing herbivores and carnivores, making animal noises, or talking in funny accents. Now doesn’t that sound like a lot more fun that listening to a screaming kid who you’ve just physically forced into his car seat.

8) I forget—

“Wait a minute, I forget, where does the dirty laundry go? I can’t remember, what am I supposed to do after I go to the bathroom? Wait a second; is there some sort of utensil I should use to eat my yogurt? Weren’t we going to do something before dinner tonight?”

If your child needs gentle reminders of the rules of the house or the next task on the agenda, pretending to forget so that they can remind you is a great way to help kids feel knowledgeable and responsible. This helps children take ownership of the rules and feel good about remembering. On the other hand, if we continually point out the times when our kids have forgotten the rules, they end up feeling badly and are actually discouraged from taking on more responsibility. Also, when we just repeat the rules to them over and over again, they have no reason to try to remember, they figure we’ll just tell them six times again tomorrow, so instead of repeating yourself, ask your child to remember and everyone will benefit.

If this one doesn’t seem to be working right away, get goofy with it. “Do the dirty socks go on my head? No, that doesn’t seem right. Do they go in the dishwasher? Hmmm. No, I don’t think so. Maybe I should put them on the baby?” Tickling your child’s funny bone is one of the quickest ways to garner their cooperation. It lightens the mood, brings in an element of play, and helps them remember why they like spending time with you. Fun is almost always the perfect antidote to defiance.

9) Oh come on, you can scream louder than that!—

This one I can’t take credit for. But the other day my step-dad told me that just as a child he was with was about to lose it and throw a major tantrum over leaving the park, he simply challenged the child to take it up a notch. “You can do better than that,” he quipped, and the child instantly stopped screaming.

I think this works because instead of resisting the tantrum, we’re actually inviting it. And since the child’s normal expectation is that we’ll resist their protestations, we’ve confused them by eliminating all resistance and instead challenging them to be even more outrageous. This is peculiar and interesting to a child who is experimenting with emotional manipulation and trying to see what he can do to change the situation to her advantage.

Have you ever heard the phrase, “What we resist persists”? I’ve found it to be one of the most universal truths of life. So, by inviting, rather than resisting, we can take the steam out of a tantrum before it starts. And, if a child really does need to express his upset and we’re in a ‘bring it on’ kind of a mood, we’re much better equipped to actually hold space for the tantrum if indeed it ensues.

I’ve found that bringing this attitude to a potential tantrum shortens its length and creates connection. Because when I encourage my child to let out her rage, she feels emotionally validated and she’s able to physically release her “negative” emotions in a healthy way and in a supportive environment. Sometimes I’ll encourage her to hit the bed or roar like a lion but usually these outbursts only last a few minutes if I’m really inviting and encouraging, rather than resisting.

So these are my top 9 favorite ways to encourage cooperation without punishments, threats or bribes. I would love to know if they work for you as well as they do for me! Have a wonderful week, Shelly

February 3, 2014October 2, 2017

5 Ways Bringing Montessori Home Makes Life Easier

There are lots of reasons why I love Montessori education. It’s respectful, holistic, intellectually and socially stimulating, and child-directed. But one of my favorite things about Montessori is how much easier it is to be an adult spending time with children in a Montessori environment than it is in most any other environment. Here are the top five reasons why bringing Montessori philosophies into your home will make your life much easier.

1) Cooperation and community mindedness are built in

In the Montessori classroom the children are a community. Everyone works together to keep the environment clean and organized. That means that when someone accidentally spills hundreds of tiny beads all over the floor, all the children in the immediate area gather around and help clean up the mess. Each child is also responsible for cleaning up his or her individual work before choosing a new activity.

By bringing these simple rules and philosophies into your home, you’ll help your child experience consistency, learn responsibility, and best of all, your floor won’t be completely covered with 25 different toys at a time.

Instead, your child will learn to get one or two items out at a time and then joyfully put his work away before getting out something else. Establishing these rules does take a little bit of extra work for you at the beginning, but once your kids are in the groove, it won’t take much effort from you to keep the toys off the floor and on the shelf where they belong (note: you do have to provide the shelf).

2) Cleaning and cooking skills develop early

Children also learn to sweep, dust, mop, wash a table, and use a sponge at Montessori school. They also learn to pour, use tongs, cut vegetables, peel an egg, and much more. These skills easily translate to home, all you need to do is invite your child to participate in household tasks and before you know it, you’ll have an awesome little helper on your hands.

Child sized cooking and cleaning tools help kids engage in these tasks easily. And as long as you’re modeling joyful cleaning and cooking yourself, your kids will happily join in the fun. We have a child-sized duster that gets tons of use at our house.

3) Self directed play and learning give you a breather

One of my favorite things about Montessori education is its emphasis on self directed, individual work. By providing a shelf full of choices and a rug or table to contain her work, my daughter will happily choose activities and play independently for hours a day.

Yes, some kids will have more or less success with independent play. There is definitely a personality aspect to attention span and willingness to explore the environment alone, but these skills can always be developed further through practice. And wouldn’t it be nice to be able to sit back and read a novel while your child occupies himself?

4) Care of the self is commonplace

Young children love to develop skills that allow them to be more autonomous and independent, especially when it comes to self-care like washing, brushing, dressing, and using the toilet. Montessori practices encourage these efforts by providing low mirrors, child sized tools, stools, hooks, and other aids to help children become successful at these important tasks as early as possible.

That frees you up to focus on other things while giving your child a healthy sense of accomplishment. So, instead of washing your child’s face, give her a cloth and ask her to go look in the mirror and wash her own face. Encourage your toddler to learn to undress and your older child to dress himself. Some of these tasks may be challenging at first, but overcoming challenge is an incredibly useful skill for kids. And just imagine how much time and effort you’ll save when your child consistently puts on her own shoes and coat!

5) Peace education promotes harmony

Peace education is an important part of the Montessori philosophy. Maria Montessori worked tirelessly for world peace in her lifetime. By introducing the concepts of peace, effective conflict resolution, and empathy for others, children build social and emotional skills that will benefit them for their entire lives.

By bringing these ideas home, you can encourage sibling harmony, inner peace, and practices that will promote a peaceful home. For instance, there is no yelling in the Montessori classroom, instead, teachers approach children individually to remind them to use a quiet voice. This promotes a peaceful environment that is more conducive to learning and concentration.

Most classrooms also have a peace table, peace rug, or other such space specifically designated for meditation, conflict resolution, and other peaceful activities. At our house, we have a lavender filled eye pillow that is our “peace pillow.” If one of us feels agitated, we lie down, put the eye pillow over our eyes, and breathe deeply as we relax. By modeling this practice for my daughter, I’m teaching her useful emotion regulation skills by modeling a healthy response to stress.

All five of these Montessori ideas will bring more peace, ease, and cooperation to your home. I would love to hear whether you use any of these practices in your home and what benefits you’ve noticed.

Have a wonderful week!

January 7, 2014

My 10 Most Popular Posts of 2013

Wow, 2013 was quite a year, wasn’t it? I started working as the office manager at my husband’s chiropractic office, continued coaching, spoke at a conference, and suffered a missed miscarriage. I also got my first tattoo and got pregnant again!

Our daughter Julia started preschool at River Song School, a wonderful non-profit Montessori school here in Bend, OR. And ever since she started school, it seems like she, my husband and I have been fighting off one cold or illness after another.

Through it all, I’ve done my best to keep writing and connecting with other like-minded parents, like you. This year on my blog I’ve had the most page views, shares, and newsletter sign ups ever! So thank you so much for being here and supporting my work and my passion. And may 2014 be our healthiest and happiest year yet.

These were the top 10 most popular posts of 2013:

1) The Little Known Secret to Happier Healthier Kids

2) 8 Breastfeeding Myths That Make Me Want to Scream

3) 5 Habits That Make Parenting Easier

4) 12 Ways to Encourage Failure and Why You Definitely Want to Do it

5) 7 Secrets to Getting Kids to Clean Up Joyfully

6) 12 Easy Ways to Help Kids Unplug

7) 8 Ways to Help Kids with Anger

8) 7 Destructive Parenting Myths

9) 7 Keys to Getting Kids to Listen

10) What Everybody Ought to Know About Talking to Kids About Sex

Oh, one more thing, if you have suggestions of topics you’d like me to write about this year, you can share your questions or ideas in one of three ways. 1. Comment here 2. Comment or send me a message on my Facebook page or 3. Email me at shelly@awakeparent.com I always love your help coming up with relevant topics!

April 3, 2013April 4, 2013

7 Secrets to Getting Kids to Clean Up Joyfully

Getting kids to clean up after themselves can be quite a battle. They’re really good at making messes, but when we ask them to clean up, they look at us like we’ve just spoken Swahili. Trust me, they’re not trying to be annoying. They really are confused about how to go about it and they definitely don’t like to be told what to do or forced to do something that’s no fun.

So how can you help your child learn to pick up her toys or put his clothes in the hamper? I’ve got 7 secrets to getting kids to clean up that will completely change the dynamics and turn clean up into a fun time to be had by all.

But there is a catch. Secret #1 was one of the most challenging transformations I’ve ever experienced. You’re ahead of the game if this one is easy for you…

1) Clean up joyfully yourself

Enjoying cleaning tasks has not been easy for me, but when I realized that I was grumbling every time I had to vacuum, hated to sweep, and despised dusting, I knew that something needed to change.

First of all, I was making myself miserable over tasks that would need to be done and revisited every week for the rest of my life. And secondly, how could I expect my child to clean up joyfully if I couldn’t do that myself?

So, I read, “Peace is Every Step” by Thich Nhat Hanh and I decided to see cleaning tasks as a sort of daily meditation. I was determined to enjoy myself. And now I do genuinely enjoy cleaning. Some days are easier than others, but if you struggle with this, take it from me, you CAN change your mindset about cleaning. And once you do, getting your kids to join you will be much easier.

2) Invite, don’t force

Nobody likes to be forced to do anything. And the sooner we recognize that children are exactly the same as adults in this regard, the sooner we’ll come up with more effective strategies to help kids want to clean up.

Imagine you’re over at a friends house and she hands you a towel and says, “You used the dishes, so now you have to dry the dishes.” Not very compelling is it?

But what if your friend said, “Would you please help me dry these dishes? I really like to get them put away right after the meal whenever possible. Do you mind?” Now you’re jumping up and pitching in, right? It pretty much always feels better to be asked and invited than to be told and forced. Want them to put their dirty clothes in the hamper? Try asking nicely! You’ll be shocked at how cooperative your kids can be when they’re invited to step up.

3) A place for everything and everything in it’s place

I know, I know, it’s a total cliché. But the thing is, this really works well for kids. When a child knows exactly where to put the puzzle, it’s far more likely to make it back to the shelf.

In fact, for kids, I find that shelves work really well. Arranging their toys and activities so that they can be easily seen, accessed, and then put away can drastically increase the harmony in your home. Here’s a photo of our “work shelves” and bookshelf where Julia can find a wide variety of books and activities and put them away independently. And since we’ve been working on this skill since she could walk, it’s just second nature to her now to put things back when she’s finished with them.

4) Create a consistent routine with clearly defined steps

So how did we make it second nature? We were consistent. We have a rule that we only get out one or two things at a time and we clean those up before we choose new work. At two and a half, my daughter still needs some reminders, but it’s not a power struggle, I simply remind her that she has work out and tell her that I’ll hold on to the new activity while she cleans up the old one.

And since she knows exactly where her work belongs, she’s empowered to clean up quickly and get to the next item she’d like to explore.

But what if you haven’t established such a strict rule about how many items can be out at a time? Then you need to create a clear step by step guide for your child about exactly how to clean up a big mess.

For example, if you tell a child to “clean your room,” you get that blank stare. But if you say, “Here’s a basket, first pick up everything off the floor and either put it away or put it into this basket. Next find a place for each item in the basket. After that, make the bed. Don’t know how to make the bed? I’ll show you and we can do it together. Next, use this duster to clean the dust off of your dresser and nightstand. Last, use the carpet sweeper or vacuum to clean the floor. And then you’re done!”

After a few times of going through this routine with your child, he’ll remember the steps and won’t need as much help or supervision.

5) Make it a game

Whenever I encounter my own resistance to cleaning, I try to make it more fun by putting on some music I enjoy. This works with kids too, you can have a cleaning dance party. But sometimes even a simple game like counting the items as you put them into a basket can be enough to encourage a young child to pitch in.

If simple counting isn’t working anymore, try a more complex game like, I Spy or wind up your little cleaning robot. The more creative you can be with this the better. Because children love to play, so when cleaning up is clearly the most fun to be had, they’ll definitely want to join you.

Another great strategt is to simply hand them an item and “forget” where it goes. Kids love to remind you of things you’ve forgotten and once the item is in their hands, it’s much easier for them to realize what to do next.

6) Be a leader

If your child just doesn’t seem to want to help out, then it’s your job to model joyful cleaning, enjoy yourself immensely and continue to invite them to play with you in creative ways. This only works if you actually enjoy cleaning, but if you can get there, then you can get the ball rolling, sit back and watch the magic happen.

Afterward, be sure to admire your work with your kids. “Wow, the living room looks so tidy! Thank you so much for all your hard work.”

And if they missed a spot when they were dusting, don’t get overly critical, that will just diminish their enthusiasm the next time. You can point out ways to improve if you’re feeling happy and enjoying yourself, but if you’re feeling even slightly annoyed by your child’s inability to be precise during cleaning tasks, keep your mouth shut and fix the problem yourself when they’re out of the room.

Remember, the most important part is that they enjoy themselves and that they’re willing to help out.

7) Provide them with tools that fit their bodies

Kids love to be just like adults and when we offer them cleaning tools that fit their small bodies, they rejoice in their ability to contribute to the household. A small broom, dustpan, mop, and duster are a good place to start. Access to rags, towels, a trashcan they can use, and a demonstration of how to do each task (as well as clear boundaries for how we don’t use these items) can invite even the most hesitant beginner cleaner to jump in and give it a try.

Good luck and I can’t wait to hear how it goes!

Please leave me a comment below.

And have a wonderful day, Shelly

March 27, 2013March 27, 2013

Terrified of the Terrible Twos? How About Terrific Twos Instead!

Yes, it is true that two-year-old children don’t have much impulse control or emotion regulation skills and that coupled with their very strong preferences has given them a bad reputation as irrational and explosive. I’ve been told all sorts of things about “the terrible twos,” especially when I was a nanny and again as I prepared for motherhood. But it really doesn’t have to be this way. Tantrums and other toddler behaviors that are difficult for us are actually just a signal that a child’s needs aren’t fully being met. Luckily, we CAN meet those needs and enjoy far less of those pesky behaviors.

A couple of years ago I saw an amazing documentary film called, “Edison’s Day” which is about a 20 month old boy whose parents are both Montessori trained. Their whole home is set up to accommodate the budding independence of toddlerhood. And their son Emerson is clearly thriving as he’s included in meaningful work, helpful tasks, and independent activities throughout his day. If you want to be completely inspired by what a toddler can accomplish if given the opportunity, definitely watch “Edison’s Day.”

I’ve done my best to set up my home in a similar way and have always encouraged my daughter Julia to develop independence as well as nurturing her ongoing cooperation in every possible moment.

And with a few adjustments to your home environment, the way you handle transitions, and your daily routines, you can have terrific twos just like Julia and Edison have! Here are some tips to get you started:

1) Track your child’s ability to communicate and offer help.

Sign language, guessing what he wants and verbalizing for your child, and helping a child to simplify a sentence can all support toddlers in gaining the confidence to communicate their needs. “You want the cup? Can you sign ‘please’? OK!”

2) Set up a leaving home and arriving back at home routine

complete with low hooks, a bin or basket for shoes, and a playful but consistent attitude. “We put our shoes away when we come inside.”

3) Warn toddlers of an impending transition with plenty of time for them to get on board.

“We need to go to the grocery store. Would you like to go now or in 5 minutes? Is there anything you’d like to bring with you?”

4) Empower your child with the skills and knowledge of the daily routine, self-care practices, and household tasks.

Toddlers are FAR more capable than we might think, so invite your child to try new things and try not to do things for them if they’re capable and willing to do it themselves.

5) Establish a few very clear rules, post them publicly, and ask everyone in your child’s life to help you maintain those boundaries.

Also, offer an acceptable alternative if your child breaks a rule. “It’s not OK to throw books, but here’s a ball you can throw instead!”

6) Establish a consistent daily routine and ask your child to anticipate what happens next.

“Do you remember what we do after we take off our shoes and coat?…That’s right! We go to the bathroom.”

So, why do these things make such a huge difference in the life of a two year old? For young people, routines create security. So the more predictable the daily routine is, the more likely your two year old will know what to expect and feel comfortable and prepared for what’s next.

And then there’s their budding independence. The “I do it,” stage. The more we can embrace and nurture a toddler’s autonomy, the happier and more relaxed they will be. That’s because a toddler’s main goal in life is to grow up and become a capable adult. They want to be just like us, so let’s help them learn how!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly