Tag: Compassion

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5 Habits that Make Parenting Easier

Parenting can be the most wonderful and the most challenging experience of our lives. Things that used to seem easy, like getting to an appointment on time or grocery shopping can become all but impossible. We can easily slip into bad habits that create tension, power struggles, and conflict with the very people with whom we most want to connect, our family members.

The good news is that there are also some really good and positive habits that you can begin to practice that will make every aspect of parenting easier and more fun. And once you’ve engrained these into your life, the daily struggle becomes far more bearable and the moments of joy and ease continue to increase.

Here’s a list of the five habits I most rely upon to make my life as a parent easier. These habits help promote cooperation, connection, and may even get you some down time, imagine that!

1)  Warnings for EVERY transition

If there is one thing that makes time with children easier, it’s offering warnings about upcoming events. I know it sounds simple, but it really makes a huge impact.

When I started working with kids as a nanny, I didn’t have this habit, but I soon learned its value when my time with children went from a constant battle at every transition to a smooth and easy transition almost every time.

The trick is to get into the habit of offering a 10 minute, 5 minute and 1 minute warning before EVERY transition. About to have dinner? Offer warnings. Headed out to the store? Warnings. Almost bath time? Warnings.

When you get into the habit of offering these warnings about upcoming transitions, children learn that they don’t have to immediately stop what they’re doing. Instead, they have the opportunity to wind down their play or art project and they are often able to get on board with the next item on the agenda. And even when they’re not able to say yes to a trip to the grocery store, at least they feel honored and respected by your attentiveness and dedication to the warning system.

 2) Regular Sleep Schedules

Sleep deprivation is a very real culprit when it comes to maintaining a positive mood and being willing to cooperate with others. This is true both for you and for your kids. When we are sleep deprived, we’re just not as resourceful, happy, or able to adjust. And kids need a LOT of sleep.

My favorite book on sleep is “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” by Elizabeth Pantley. One of the many things I love about this book is that it contains charts so that you can get into the habit of recording your child’s sleep. What I like about this is that it can be a reality check. You may think your 3 year old doesn’t need a nap any more, but depending on how much nighttime sleep she’s getting, she very well may. There’s a great chart in the book that lists the amount of sleep children need based on their age and how most kids break up their total sleep between nighttime sleep and naps.

The great thing about getting into a regular sleep schedule is that your child’s body will learn when naptime and bedtime are and getting them to sleep becomes easier. My daughter will often even say, “I’m tired, I think it’s naptime Mommy.” We rarely have a struggle at bedtime and I think that’s because our routine is so consistent that it just seems like sleep time around 7pm.

 3) Gratitude, Kindness, & Appreciation

It’s easy to fall into the trap of negativity, always pointing out the things our children are doing wrong, but this habit rarely helps a child snap out of it. In fact, by putting attention on the things we don’t want, we’re actually conditioning our kids to do more of those things. After all, that’s what gets them the attention they so desperately need. You see, children don’t consciously distinguish between positive and negative attention. They just know on some fundamental level that they need attention, and either kind will suffice.

But when we can get into the habit of appreciating what we do like, noticing the things we’re grateful for, and treating our kids with gentle kindness, they blossom before our eyes. I don’t mean we should ignore bad behavior entirely, just that when kindness and appreciation are our habit, we’ll naturally get more of the behavior we want and less of what we don’t want.

That’s because children are hard wired to seek our approval, after all, they rely upon us for their very survival. They deeply WANT us to be pleased with them, even in the times when it seems like they’re doing everything they can to push our buttons. So, instead of seeing the boundary pushing as an attempt to rattle you, begin to see it as a request for connection and safety. Your child is saying, “Will you still love me, even if I misbehave?”

The more we can reassure our kids that they are innately wonderful and deeply loved and appreciated, the less they’ll need to test or challenge us at every turn. Of course, there’s a certain aspect of testing behavior that is just personality based. Some kids will push our boundaries more frequently, regardless of how often we remind them that they are unconditionally loved. And most kids are incredibly sensitive to our energy and will know just how sincere our appreciation and acknowledgment really is. I think that kids who test us more often just need even more gratitude, appreciation, and acknowledgment for the qualities that we most enjoy.

4)  Asking for Help

I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to do it all myself by default. I somehow think that it’s normal to do child-care, buy the groceries, put them away, clean the kitchen, cook a healthy meal, feed my family, put away the leftovers, and play a game with my daughter while I’m doing the dishes. That. Is. Not. Normal. Or at least it shouldn’t be.

Yes, you may be a stay at home mom or dad or a single mom or dad. You might not have family members that live nearby. But no matter what your circumstances, the old adage, “It takes a village to raise a child,” is still true. We MUST get into the habit of asking for help. And that includes asking our kids for help.

Believe me when I tell you that it’s in your child’s best interest to be a contributing member of your household. And if you do have a partner at home, it’s crucially important that you ask for support when you need it, and sometimes even when it would just be really nice. A recent study found that couples who did chores together were more satisfied with the division of labor and had greater marital satisfaction than couples who did chores separately.

And if you don’t have a partner at home, developing the habit of asking for help is key to your survival. By asking friends and family members to help you, you’re expanding your circle of connections and offering people the opportunity to contribute to you. That’s exactly what creates a feeling of community and helps you keep your sanity. Yes, sometimes it’s difficult to ask for help. Do it anyway.

5) Daily Snuggles

Maybe this is my primary love language, physical touch, speaking here, but snuggling up with my daughter is one of the highlights of my day, every day. By making daily snuggles a habitual part of our daily routine we both fill up our love tanks and remember what’s important to us. When her little arms reach around my neck and she says, “Mommy, I love you TOO much!” I simply melt. These moments are what make all the hard work, sacrifice, stress, and difficulty of parenting 100% worth it.

Make sure you get your tank filled on a daily basis. And if you’re not sure what it is that fills up your tank, think about the moments when everything feels good and right. And make more of those moments. Build them into your day so that they become a habit. And then go back to those wonderful moments in your mind, whenever you start to feel stressed or freaked out.

So, there you have it, my five habits to help make your parenting journey easier and more enjoyable for everyone. I hope they work as well for you as they do for me!

Have a fantastic week and please share your own ideas for habits that make parenting easier.

Photo by Heidi Thomas Thomasandvelophotography.com

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8 Ways to Help Kids With Anger

Emotion regulation is one of the biggest challenges children face. Heck, emotion regulation is one of the biggest challenges anybody faces! So how can we help kids learn to feel, express, and experience their emotions in a healthy and productive way? Joy and happiness are easy to encourage and enjoy. But when kids feel frustrated and angry, it can be difficult to hold space for them and help them ease back into a regulated state without minimizing or squashing their emotional expression.

 

So here are my 8 ways to help your child with anger:

1)   Reflect—

“It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated…is that right?” or “It seems like you’re still upset about that, are you?” are great conversation openers. Instead of asking a young child how they’re feeling, try guessing his feelings and then check in to see if you’ve guessed correctly. This helps kids to more correctly identify their feelings when they’re in the midst of them since thinking of the right words can be difficult when we’re emotionally activated. But do be careful not to simply assume you know what’s going on. It’s important to check in and ask so that our kids know that we’re tuning in and curious, rather than forcing our own ideas about what’s going on upon them.

2)   Listen—

Instead of offering advice or suggestions, first, simply listen. Rather than asking questions or telling stories about how much you understand what they’re going through, just breathe, relax, and feel your heart as you get down on his level, make eye contact, and listen to your child.

3)   Empathize—

Focus on the feelings and their underlying needs. For instance, “Are you feeling frustrated because you need some space from your brother?” or “Are you feeling upset because you need my attention and I’ve been unavailable?” By noting the need underneath the feelings, you’re helping your child (and yourself!) to better understand what’s happening and how to help herself avoid a future incident.

For instance, when kids understand what they’re needing, they’re more likely to be able to ask for it! And when you are able to connect feelings to their underlying needs, you can help your child by prompting her to ask. “It sounds like you’re getting frustrated. What would help? A snack? Some time alone? How can you ask for what you’re wanting right now?”

4)   Hold space—

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give to someone with big feelings is to simply witness them and hold space for them while they express themselves. Of course you do need to make sure the expression is safe for you and your child, but many times, simply being there and relaxing your own body can be a wonderful grounding rod for a child who’s feeling out of control. You don’t need to say anything at all, but if you feel the need, something simple like, “I’m here,” “I hear you,” or “It’s OK to feel angry (sad, upset)” is best.

5)   Offer alternatives—

Hitting people is not OK, but if your child seems to desperately need to hit something, offering a healthy alternative can be incredibly helpful. Hitting a bed, couch, or pillow can be a good redirect for a child who has trouble controlling her body and lashes out at people. Ultimately, you want your child to be able to let go of her anger without needing to hit, but allowing her to hit an inanimate object can be a good interim step on the way toward a more advanced method of processing anger. The same goes for throwing, spitting, or any other unwanted behavior. By offering a healthy outlet, you can help your child learn self-control AND allow her to express her feelings through her body.

6)   Reconnect—

Many children who experience an explosion of anger have feelings about the outburst afterward. Sometimes they feel scared, ashamed, or worried about what happened. Reconnecting after an outburst is a great way to remind your child that you love him no matter what. It’s also a time when he’s ready to hear your reassurances that it’s OK to have big feelings and stories about how you feel angry sometimes too. Tune in to your child’s favorite way to reconnect, whether it’s snuggling, physical play, or some other cherished family ritual. Also remember to respect your child’s time frame as some kids need some alone time to process what happened before they’ll be ready to reconnect with you.

7)   Envision the future—

After the incident is over, talk with your child about how you might handle a future similar situation. During an upset, your child is unable to process any new information and will simply shut down further if you attempt to problem-solve or make suggestions about what to do differently next time.

But later, when the emotions have cooled, you can ask questions and offer ideas about how you can both handle the situation better next time. This helps kids get into the habit of envisioning a more appropriate way to deal with their upset. You might practice some breathing and relaxation techniques, or role-play a similar situation. Be sure to ask your child what she thinks would help and really listen to her suggestions. Children have an innate wisdom about how to help themselves.

8)   Model what you want—

This one might be the most difficult to implement, but it’s also the most important. Children get their cues about how to behave from us. So if we aren’t able to stop ourselves from exploding in anger, we can hardly blame them when they do the same thing. If you’ve noticed that you’re having your own “tantrums” then it’s time to do some self-empathy and begin to catch your upset, and address it BEFORE you’re yelling or breaking things.

You can apply all of the above keys to your own exploration of healthy anger release. And remember, it’s OK to feel angry, it’s how we behave when we’re angry that makes the biggest impact on our relationships. If you feel that your own anger gets out of control at times, I highly recommend seeking professional help. A therapist or life-coach can help you learn how to deal with your own anger in healthy ways and then you can model that for your kids.

One more note on this. Humans have an incredible ability to empathize with others that is helped by special neurons called “mirror neurons.” Simply put, these mirror neurons are activated by the emotions in the people around us and cause us to feel what others are feeling. What this means for your parenting is that the more at peace you are, the more peaceful your children will be, and the more activated you feel, the more upset they will get.

So, if you notice your child getting upset, first try to calm yourself down and then help your child. And trust that if you’re able to maintain your composure, your child will be more likely to regain his composure sooner too.

I know that a lot of these suggestions are easier said than done, but I trust that your efforts in emotion regulation for both yourself and your child will pay off big time. Please don’t hesitate to post comments with thoughts, questions, or other suggestions. I appreciate your participation here!

And have a great week, Shelly

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4 Secrets to Effective Gentle Discipline

You’re clear that you want to be a kind, caring, and compassionate parent. You don’t want to yell or spank your kids, but sometimes it’s hard to know if gentle discipline is actually working.

There are time when your kid is completely out of control and it’s confusing to figure out what to do about it when threatening, coercing, bribing, and punishing are all off the table. But there are things you can do that will dramatically increase cooperation without the destructive effects of coercion and punishment.

1)   Keep Your Cool—

This is crucially important but MUCH easier said than done. Essentially, we’re teaching our kids emotion regulation by providing a healthy example for them. So the more we can breathe, relax, and express boundaries dispassionately, the better things will go.

If you find yourself loosing it, try disengaging from your child and take a moment to cool off in another room. It may also be helpful to name your emotions, “I’m feeling really frustrated so I’m going to go into my room for a few minutes and we’ll talk more when I’m more relaxed.”

If emotions are heated, save the conversation about why your child should follow the rules for another time. When kids are emotionally activated, they’re unable to learn anything new and you’ll just get more and more upset thinking that they’re not listening, when in reality, they’re unable to process any information because they’re so emotionally triggered.

2)   Compassion for Kids—

Recognizing that children act out because they’re hurt, confused, or struggling in some way can be a huge eye opener. Children do not want to push our buttons, no matter how much it seems like they do. Rather, they’re trying to get their needs met and they’re learning how to advocate for themselves, sometimes in ways that make us want to scream.

The truth is that a misbehaving child is asking for empathy, and understanding. They just haven’t learned very effective ways to win our support yet. So instead, they whine, hit, scream, spit, and try all sorts of ineffective strategies. Seeing these behaviors as a cry for help and an experiment can make it much easier to treat our kids with compassion when their behavior is out of control.

3)   Play—

When kids are defiant, as strange as it seems to us, they’re often expressing a need for play. By being playful with your contrary child, you can turn defiance into cooperation. But beware, what works one time is not guaranteed to work the next time. So you’ll need a whole bunch of potential games to play at any given moment. If being playful isn’t your usual MO, I’d recommend sitting down and coming up with a list of games and ways to play when you’re faced with a child who doesn’t want to cooperate. Refer to your list when you find yourself wanting to control and force your child to cooperate.

Here’s my own list of games to get you started:

  1. Play the “you better not do that!” game
  2. Pretend she doesn’t know how to do it and ask her to prove it
  3. Ask her to teach her doll how to do it
  4. Talk in a funny voice
  5. Sing a silly song about it
  6. Pretend she’s a baby and do it for her
  7. Pretend we’re animals and hop, roar, or slither our way through
  8. Put her in charge
  9. Let her know that I’ll be very surprised if I notice it’s already done
  10. Make it a race and time how long it takes

4)   Setting Clear Boundaries—

Children desperately need boundaries, but they also need a limited number of rules to follow and some amount of flexibility depending on the situation. That can make setting clear and consistent boundaries seem like some sort of unattainable nirvana of gentle discipline. Especially when it seems like they only listen to us when we lose it and yell at them. So here are my strategies for how to set consistent boundaries in a gentle way:

a) Make a short list of essential rules. These are things that are safety issues, or things that drive you batty and you will not abide. Make sure your list has no more than 5 items of these “non-negotiable” rules.

b) During a time when everyone is calm, ask your child to agree to the rules and have a discussion about why these rules are so important to you. Ask your child what she thinks of the rules and if there are any she’d like to remove or add. Really have a discussion with your child about this and be sure to let her know that while you’ll take her ideas into consideration, and you hope you can all agree, ultimately you’re the parent(s) so you’ll make the final decision on the rules for your family.

c) Do your best to make it almost impossible for your child to break the rules. For instance if your rule is “we always hold hands in the parking lot” make sure YOU take your child’s hand or wrist every time. If the rule is “no hitting the baby” provide additional supervision, space between siblings, and begin to remove the baby from the room if you notice your older child getting agitated.

d) Come up with a protocol for what you’ll do if the rule is broken. I don’t advocate any form of punishment, however, you do need to know exactly what you’ll do if the rule is broken to encourage adherence to the rule in the future and to acknowledge that the rule has been broken. Having this protocol in place can also help you keep your cool and remember that your child is simply testing the boundaries, which is a huge part of learning and understanding rules.

In the above examples you might choose to go back home because parking lots aren’t safe or you may separate the kids if hitting occurs. There are times when I have removed toys or other objects, especially when they’re dangerous and I occasionally limit my daughter’s mobility (i.e. sit by her bedroom door so that she cannot leave at bedtime) It’s up to you to decide what you’ll do based on your 5 most important rules.

e) Be more flexible with limits you’d like to set but which aren’t as essential to safety or sanity. The more freedom and autonomy your child experiences outside of the main rules, the more likely his needs for freedom will be met and he’ll choose to adhere to the major rules.

f) Address the underlying needs. Whenever kids act out it’s because they need something. When we can identify the need and address it directly, we reduce the incidents of pushing the limits and we nurture and care for our child in a way that really nurtures and supports them. For instance, often the need underneath hitting is either for space and/or touch. By checking in and either offering some alone time or snuggles, we eliminate the reason our child broke the rule in the first place.

Alright, so there you have it! I would love to know if these strategies work for you too, so please share your story or idea below.

And have a fabulous week, Shelly

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How to Hold Space for a Tantrum and Actually Enjoy Yourself

This morning we made it all the way to the car with everything we needed for the day but for some reason when I suggested that my daughter hand me her lunch box so that she could climb into the car, she freaked. After some tears and some pushing me away and something garbled that I couldn’t quite understand, I did get her to agree to let me lift her into the car seat (which she usually HATES) so that she could hold on to her lunch box the entire time. She cried for a while in the car on the way to school. It wasn’t a complete meltdown, but it reminded me how confusing it is when kids get upset and we don’t know why.

Their emotions are so big sometimes and it’s hard to understand exactly why they’re freaking out.

I think that tantrums are some of the most frustrating, upsetting, and confusing experiences we have with our kids. It’s mind boggling to see how out of control they can become over such seemingly meaningless stuff like whether or not they got to have one more bedtime story. Kids can work themselves up into a frenzy over things that appear to us to be completely mundane and innocuous.

Holding space for big feelings is something I’m passionate about, probably because I wanted someone to do the same for me as a kid. In fact, I love it when my husband, friends, and family members hold space for my big feelings now. It’s a huge gift to be invited to fully feel without being silenced, judged, or convinced out of my anger or sorrow. So I’ve developed five steps to holding space for a tantrum that will leave you feeling more peaceful and connected to your child at the end of a meltdown than you did before it began.

Step 1: Remember it’s not about the blue cup

The reasons for a tantrum can be a varied as the people having the tantrum are but remembering that tantrums are usually NOT about the purported upset and are actually often an excuse to release the tension of the day can help you to remain calm and centered as you hold space for your child.

Some common causes of tantrums are: over-tiredness, hunger, social conflict, and unmet needs for autonomy. Remembering these can help you reflect on how to avoid tantrums in the future, rather than remaining stuck in the confusion of trying to understand why your child (who by now you might suspect is insane) is having such an overreaction to the fact that she got the red cup instead of the blue cup. Yes, the color of the cup really does matter to her. AND she’s using this as an opportunity to release pent up emotions, which is ultimately a good thing.

Step 2: Breathe and relax

Easier said than done when faced with a raging or weeping young person. But when we can relax and breathe deeply during a tantrum, we’re effectively managing our own emotions and helping our kids to regulate too. Mirror neurons in our brains cause us to automatically match the emotional energy of the people near us, that’s probably why laughter is so contagious and why we cry at sad movies.

The good news is that we can use these neurons to our advantage by choosing to remain peaceful during a child’s outburst. Kids are naturally inclined to return to a regulated state if they’re near someone else who is feeling peaceful. So take this opportunity to practice the meditation of equanimity, simply being with what’s so without judging it or pushing it away.

Step 3: Don’t take it personally

This is a tricky one, especially if your child likes to scream things like, “I hate you!” during a tantrum. But if you can remember that your child’s upset is more about his unmet needs and less about you or your actions, you may be able to see that having big feelings is just a normal part of life and it’s not your fault that your child is having a meltdown.

When we can stop taking our children’s big feelings personally, we can begin to offer empathy and compassion without needing to backpedal on the boundaries we’ve just set.

“I hear that you’re really upset and I understand that it’s hard to hear no. I love you and it’s OK to cry as much as you need to.”

Step 4: Celebrate your child’s release

I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling tense a good cry feels great. I might not enjoy it during the crying (although sometimes I do) but I almost always feel MUCH better afterward. I like to imagine that the emotional system is similar to the digestive system. We take in stimulus, we use what we need for our wellbeing, and we’re left with waste products that need to be expelled. I see crying as one of those healthy waste products of our emotional system.

So the next time your child is having big feelings, try celebrating it. “Oh it feels so good to get that out of your body, huh?” By taking an attitude of celebration you’re doing two things, first you’re embracing your child just as he is, letting him know that you love him no matter what he’s feeling and second, you’re re-framing the experience as a positive one for both of you.

 It’s good to let our feelings out and share them with our loved ones.

Remember, this is the foundation you’re building so that your teenager will eventually come to you with her problems, rather than completely relying on her friends for advice.

Step 5: Connect

Some kids like snuggles after a big cry, others want to be left alone or just have their back patted, still others might enjoy sitting quietly and reading a book together. By learning what your child likes after a big release, you can offer it and reconnect lovingly with your little sweetheart.

I’ve noticed that when my daughter is really upset, there’s a part of her tantrum where she needs space, and then toward the end, she comes over to me for a snuggle. It’s such a sweet and tender time of connection for us. I just hold her, rub her back, and remind her that it’s OK to cry until she gets all of her tears out. When she’s done, we usually have some hugs and kisses and then figure out the next fun game we’ll play.

By connecting after a big emotional release, we’re letting our kids know that their big feelings are completely OK, and not anything to be ashamed of or to hide away. For me, this is also healing, since I was afraid to share my big feelings and often chose to stuff or suppress my emotional experience as a child and young adult.

This is how I manage my own emotional state while holding space for kids who are having big, uncontrolled emotions. I hope it works for you too and I would love to hear about your own methods and practices about how you deal with tantrums. Please share your wisdom with the rest of us!

And have a lovely week, Shelly

Photo Credit: DIONNA RAEDEKE

Want more tools and tips on how to handle big feelings? Check out my audio program: Perspectives on Feelings

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7 Destructive Parenting Myths

As a parent coach, I hear all sorts of thoughts and ideas that just don’t hold up to the current research on child-development and attachment, but some of these myths have been handed down from generation to generation for so long that we can forget to question them. Here are the 7 parenting myths that bother me the most:

1.    Kids Can’t Be Trusted

In my work as a preschool teacher, I’ve worked with hundreds of children and I’ve never met a child who wasn’t trustworthy. Children will rise to our expectations of them and I’ve noticed that when I expect them to follow through on their commitments and do what they say they will, I get excellent results.

If you’ve been thinking that your child isn’t trustworthy, ask yourself how you can support the innate trustworthiness inside every child. You could try making it easier for your child to keep his commitments by setting up systems that remind and help, instead of blaming or shaming him when he makes a mistake. After all, everybody makes mistakes, it’s a huge part of learning!

2.    Discipline Equals Punishment

I sure wish these two words weren’t as conflated as they are in our culture. Punishing children is both inappropriate and ineffective. Discipline on the other hand is absolutely essential. Self-control, self-discipline, and self-determination are the result of appropriate and compassionate discipline.

Discipline means setting clear boundaries, and being flexible within those boundaries. It does not need to include threatening, coercing or constantly forcing our will upon our kids. And it certainly doesn’t require overt or covert physical or emotional punishments.

Yes, time-out and counting to three can be used as punishment. The tone of your voice and the energy you’re projecting can make a huge impact on how your communication will be received. I’ve seen moms use innocuous phrases to threaten and just the other day I realized that something I said to my daughter could have been a threat if I’d used a different tone.

I think that mutual respect is the key to effective discipline. So this week, check in with yourself about the kind of energy your projecting and do your best to express your highest intentions, rather than getting stuck in the muck of using threats, coercion and punishment to get kids to do what you want.

3.    Breastfeeding is Embarrassing

Breastfeeding is one of the most important and beautiful gifts we can give to our infants, if we’re able. It is not embarrassing or sexual in any way to nurse a baby or toddler. Breastfeeding is without a doubt the best nourishment for babies. It also provides the bonding and comfort that infants need in order to develop healthy relationships and emotion regulation skills. How is any of that offensive? Yes, breasts are involved. In fact, news flash: breastfeeding is the PRIMARY FUNCTION of breasts.

Sure you can try to use a cover, but my daughter would never accept a cover, she found it far too distracting. Yes you can try to nurse at home, but sometimes your baby will be hungry when you’re not at home. Yes, cars are more private, but less comfortable, and there were times when I nursed in a car that I felt like I was hiding. I think it’s time to normalize breastfeeding again. Surely an all natural food source should not be denied to our children because other people are uncomfortable with the sight of a breast.

4.    Co-sleeping Means No More Sex

Without getting too graphic, let me just say that I have co-slept with my daughter for the past three years and my husband and I are having the best sex of our marriage. And no, we DO NOT have sex in the bed when our daughter is there.

Instead, I’ve co-slept with her in HER bed and we’ve reserved our bed for adult time, except for the occasional morning family snuggle. There are lots of ways to arrange co-sleeping. None of them need to involve sex in bed with a child present and all of them allow for lots of fun sexy adult time in places other than where your child is sleeping.

5.    It’s Inappropriate to Show Emotion In Front of Kids

I feel really sad when I think about this one. It’s crucially important for children’s emotional development and wellbeing that the adults around them model emotion regulation and emotional vulnerability. This lets kids know that they’re not alone in their emotional experiences and it helps them learn how to cope with their own big feelings.

Unfortunately when we hide our emotions from our kids, they end up feeling invalidated and learn to suppress their emotions too. Since I had to re-learn how to feel my feelings after decades of repressed emotion, I’m really hoping my daughter doesn’t have to go through the same process.

I do think it’s important to be responsible with our emotions when we’re with our kids. And to me, that means showing and sharing my emotional experience without directing my feelings AT my child or blaming her for my experience. It also means reassuring my daughter that she’s not the cause of my upset and telling her about what’s going on for me in peaceful language that’s developmentally appropriate.

Studies have shown that children can handle exposure to intense emotion without long-term negative effects, as long as they also experience a de-escalation and resolution of the emotional outburst (Nurture Shock by Po Bronson).

6.    Stay at Home Moms (or Dads) Don’t Work

Um, excuse me, but stay at home parentss are some of the hardest working people I know. In fact, often times I’m grateful for the diversion of working for cash because one, it’s painful how little our culture values homemakers’ work and two, being with young people all day every day is enough to make anyone lose their marbles. When I get to work with adults doing coaching I get paid for my time AND I get an adult social interaction out of the deal.

When I’m home alone with my daughter, I giver her attention and do the laundry and the dishes and clean the house and cook and clean up the kitchen after a meal and play with her and put her to sleep for her nap and rush around doing more cooking and cleaning and straightening and sorting until she wakes up and then I do an art project or create an activity or take her to the park or a museum but before we leave I pack a bag with extra clothes and snacks and water and alternate shoes depending on the activity and a sun hat and it. Just. Never. Stops.

And by the end of the day I’m completely exhausted and the house is a mess again and I didn’t earn a dollar. But I did get time with my daughter, some of which was fun and some of which was weirdly frustrating. And now I’m ruminating about the tone of voice I used that wasn’t kind and the thing that stranger said to my kid. Any of that sound familiar?

Let me just say it one more time in case I wasn’t clear, stay at home moms are the hardest working people I know. Your complete dedication to your children astounds me. I am in total awe that you can be with them from 6am to 8pm day in and day out without a break and without completely losing it 80% of the time. I commend you, appreciate you, and I want you to know, I see you. Even in the moments when you’re not with your kids, you’re thinking about them, planning things for them, and preparing to be your best for them. All I can say is WOW. And THANK YOU. Your children benefit immensely from your devotion and I’m so grateful for the work you do.

 7.    Taking Care of Ourselves Is Selfish and Hurts Kids

Quite the opposite actually, we ought to be the adults we hope our children will become. If we want our kids to take good care of themselves, guess what? We have to model the kind of self-care that will help us maintain a healthy and happy life. That means we MUST have friends. We need social interaction in order to be well and enjoy life as social beings. We also need time alone.

It is absolutely crucial that we do the things that make us happy and at ease so that our kids can experience that joy and ease too. Spending time in nature contributes to wellbeing by lowering your blood pressure.

I highly recommend that every woman participate in some type of women’s circle. Ideally you’d have a group of women that you feel comfortable sharing with and who you view as chosen sisters. The women’s circles I’ve participated in have been so incredibly supportive and life affirming. Every single time I participate in a women’s circle I’m glad I went.

Although I’m sure there are plenty more destructive parenting myths, these are the seven that I most want to dispel. On a more positive note, never forget that your connection with your kids is the most important part of parenting. As long as you’re reaching out for it, open to it, and working to repair any damage that’s been done, you’re doing a fantastic job as a parent and as a compassionate, caring, human being.

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

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