Compassion – Page 3 – Awake Parent

January 18, 2012January 18, 2012

Tender Transitions

In life there are big transitions, little transitions and everything in between but there’s one thing you can be sure of, there WILL be transitions. Shifting from one thing to the next is challenging for children and adults alike, especially when the transition wasn’t their idea.

I’m in the midst of a big transition right now. We are so fortunate to have my husband’s parents living here full time and being active participants in caring for our daughter. And if you’re thinking we’re the luckiest people ever, then get ready for more, because we ALSO have my mom and step dad here for six months of the year! It is SO incredibly helpful to have so many people adoring and caring for Julia, but there’s a dark side to this beautiful gift too. My parents leave and are gone for six months of the year.

My mom and Jim just left to head back to Illinois a couple of weeks ago and the transition has been really challenging for me. I miss them. Julia misses them. And I’ve had to completely rearrange my working schedule to accommodate the change. It totally sucks.

But is also great. I’m getting more time with my daughter, which is awesome. And I’m forced to really prioritize my work and only engage in the activities that really matter to me. But it’s also still really hard.

Transitions are especially difficult for me, maybe because I’ve had so many of them in my life. After my parents divorced when I was 5, they shared custody and, without going into too many details, for much of my life I split my time between my mom’s house and my dad’s. It was great to be able to have real relationships with everyone involved, but it was hard on me too.

Every two weeks I packed up my bags and moved to a different house with different people, different rules, different expectations, and even different foods. And, everybody was always so excited to see me that I don’t think I really took the time to mourn the loss of the other family before I was thrust into the next one. Luckily for my parents, I didn’t act out. Instead, I stuffed my emotions and tried to pretend that everything was OK. But sometimes it wasn’t.

So that’s what I mean when I say “big transitions.” Learning to let go of my family for two weeks or six months, mourning the loss of a home, job, or loved one, moving away from friends. But there are also all sorts of little transitions and these can be challenging too.

So if you’re wondering why your young child throws a tantrum at the front door and refuses to put on his coat and shoes, consider the possibility that transitions are just hard. Saying goodbye to his toys, home, book, or plan for the day can be really challenging for a kid.

Here’s what I’d recommend if you’re having difficulty with transitions at your house. Be tender about them. Remember that they can be hard. And most of all, TALK ABOUT TRANSITIONS BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER THEY HAPPEN. I wish I had been better about this with my parents leaving town. I’m doing OK talking about it now, but I wish we had thought more and talked more about how our lives were about to change, before it happened. I’m a planner, and when transitions catch me off guard, I find them MUCH more challenging to deal with.

Perhaps your little one feels the same way. It might feel silly to talk to your infant or young child about a big or small transition, but in my experience, a short, matter-of-fact discussion about what’s about to happen can mean the difference between a screaming, kicking freaked out kid and a calm, relaxed, collected child.

When it comes to some of life’s big transitions like the loss of a pet or the death of a loved one, we don’t always get the opportunity to talk about things ahead of time. In that case, be sure to discuss things as they arise so that you and your child can integrate what’s happening as much as possible.

When you’re about to head out the door to go to the store, and you actually CAN give a child a heads up, so please do. They will appreciate it. And you might find that this one simple act of kindness and respect toward your children reaps you more benefits than you could have imagined. I would love to hear all about it. Please share your story with us!

And may your transitions be easy and tender this week, Shelly

November 30, 2011February 27, 2013

Educational programming increases violent behavior!

Another shocker from “Nurture Shock,” preschoolers who watched educational programming increased in violent behavior almost as much as kids who watched violent programs did. Researchers were stunned when their data revealed that educational shows significantly increased relational violence in preschool aged kids. That means that the more educational television a child watched, the more likely they were to withdraw their friendship, tell others “You can’t play with me,” and lie about their friends. Kids were more bossy, controlling and manipulative, the more educational programming they watched!

Upon further investigation it was discovered that children’s programming is full of examples of relational violence, and often most of the program was about setting up a conflict and the resolution only happened for a few minutes at the end of the show. Unfortunately for preschoolers, they aren’t developmentally able to follow the story line very well, so they end up learning from everything they see, rather than learning the moral of the story. Oops!

OK, so here’s where I come down hard on all television and tell you that young people are infinitely better served by playing games, reading books, contributing to the household, and engaging in pretend play. But you already know all that, and it’s still challenging to keep the TV off. So here’s another take. If you feel you must allow your preschooler to watch TV, try watching along with them and talking about what’s happening.

Children learn best from real live human beings who engage in a dialogue with them. So, your little one is much more likely to understand the moral, if you talk about it together. You can mute the commercials and use the time to process what’s happening in the show. Probing questions like, “How do you think Arthur felt when his friend didn’t want to play with him?” or “What can Word Girl do to help her friends?” can help your child clarify and understand the story line.

I know this doesn’t solve the problem of the most common use of television, to get a few minutes away from the kids to do an adult task, but I have lots of articles and information about how to help your child engage in independent activities. So if you need a few minutes to yourself, I recommend setting them up with an engaging task, rather than plopping them in front of the tube.

So far, my daughter has seen about 10 minutes of television in her whole 16 months of life, so I think it’s pretty clear where I stand on this issue. But I can imagine that as she gets older we will allow her to watch some nature shows and an occasional movie. But you’d better believe, I’ll be right there by her side, describing, sharing, showing, and educating her about the emotional content of the programs she watches. After all, I can’t think of much that’s more important to me than her emotional education. And since I also have a strong personal commitment to compassionate communication, I want my daughter to have the information and tools she needs to empathize and connect, rather than to hurt and tear down others.

If I really start to think big, I’d like a complete overhaul of children’s programming so that it promotes compassion and emphasizes the resolution of the conflict, rather than the creation of it. Who’s with me?

Please leave me a comment and share this with your friends. And have an awesome day, Shelly

May 19, 2010September 22, 2017

Pets help kids learn empathy

Kids & Dog Have you ever noticed that the way kids are around animals is like a microcosm of the way they are around everyone? When young people are happy, comfortable, and compassionate, they treat animals with kindness and care. And when they’re upset about something or feeling picked on and powerless, they often take out their aggressions on the family pet.

If you have a pet, pay attention this week to how your children treat the animals in your home. Are they gentle and caring, allowing the pet to come to them? Or do they chase, pull, grab, and harass the family cat or dog?

If your child is treating animals with care, you can develop their empathy skills even further by assigning them responsibilities like feeding the animals and giving them water. Older kids can even help brush and bathe the family pet. By taking the time to care for another, young people can begin to realize that they can have a positive impact on others through their care and hard work.

If on the other hand, your child is treating animals in a less than compassionate way, this is a perfect opportunity for them to learn empathy! By showing your child how to touch a pet in a way that is pleasurable for the animal, you can help your child develop a new awareness of other creatures and their likes and dislikes. When you remind your child that the cat doesn’t like to be chased, but will come and sit on her lap if invited, you’re teaching her patience, kindness, and how to be magnetic and inviting. What a great set of skills! Continue reading “Pets help kids learn empathy”

February 17, 2010March 3, 2012

The perfection of imperfection

“Nobody’s perfect”, right? Well, I’m not so sure. I think there’s actually a kind of perfection in imperfection. I tend toward the idea that there’s some sort of plan, or fate, or something that drives us all to be exactly who and how we are. Some people call this force God, or the Universe, or even coincidence, but whatever you call it, I find it much more empowering to believe that there’s a purpose to my life and a larger force at work.

When I can rest in the perfection of my imperfection it’s much easier to reflect on the things I’ve done that I wish I’d done differently and I can somehow recognize that without making that “mistake” I might never have learned the important lesson in front of me.

The same goes for parenting. It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to be the “perfect parent” (as if such a thing ever existed), but the funny thing is that the more we try to mold ourselves into our ideas of what the perfect parent should be like, the less we can relax and be our authentic selves. And really, don’t we most want to teach our kids to love themselves, be comfortable in their own skin, and know that their best is good enough?! If so, then we’ve got to learn to be easier on ourselves, to celebrate our triumphs and admit to our mistakes without beating ourselves up.

Consider the past week or so, is there something you’ve said or done that you regret? And can you see the opportunity for learning and growth that’s available through that experience?

I can remember when I first learned about the negative effects of result-oriented praise and the benefits of effort-based praise. I was so hard on myself! I thought about all the hundreds of times I had said to my preschool students, “Wow what a pretty picture” or “Nice space ship!” when I could have said, “It looks like you worked really hard on that!” or even asked, “What was the most fun part of painting that?” I can remember crying and desperately wishing I could go back in time so that I could have said something different to the kids in my class. I was taking responsibility for damaging those kids and their self-esteem, when in reality, they probably understood on some level that I cared more about them and their effort than I did about the finished product.

The point is that I did the best I could with the information I had at the time! Now that I have even more information about what helps kids be motivated and engaged in learning and exploration, I can foster those qualities even more skillfully, but there’s no need to berate myself for the past. In fact, if I hadn’t had those experiences with the kids in my class, who knows if I even would have found the crucial research that inspired me to change the way I talk to kids?

I know it’s even more profoundly difficult to separate your actions as a parent from their potential impact on your child, but please remember that the mere fact that you care enough to examine your behavior, to consider the way you talk to your kids, and the recognition that you DO have an impact on your children are all signs that you’re already an exemplary parent. So, remember to take it easy on yourself this week. Remind yourself that we’re all doing the best we can with what we have. And discover the beautiful lessons you can learn from your “imperfect” moments.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly