Tag: Conscious Parenting

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I Trust You

I’ve been working on my new eCourse that will be available this spring and so I’ve been thinking a lot about my parenting values, my priorities, and the ultimate messages I want my daughter to receive both verbally and non-verbally through my parenting.

Of course I want her to know she’s loved and cherished and that she can do anything she puts her mind to. I want her to know she’s valuable and capable and that her opinion matters. And as I pondered these things there was one message that kept showing up.

I trust you.

I want my child to know that not only is she wise and capable, but that I actually recognize that she knows what she’s doing. Yes, she’s just two and a half years old, and I want her to know that I trust her to make wise decisions and to take care of herself, and that I support her in taking appropriate risks and reaping their rewards. I want her to know that it’s OK if she falls on her face, we all do that sometimes, and we learn and grow as a result.

I want her to trust herself.

So the other day when she was sorting the silverware, a task she joyfully takes on almost every time I ask, I cringed when she kept asking me to confirm whether the spoon was large or small or whether the fork was in the right spot. “I trust you.” I responded. “You can decide if it’s large or small. Just put it where YOU think it should go.” She happily resumed her task, finished up and went into the other room to do something else.

But later, I worried about her need for reassurance and her fear of making a mistake. I wondered if she’s getting too much feedback from adults about how “right” or “wrong” she is. I fretted that perhaps because I’ve taught her the difference between a sphere and an ellipsoid, I may have inadvertently taken away her ability to discover those things for herself.

Later, after all the worry had dissipated, I just knew on a deeper level how dedicated I am to trusting my child and how committed I am to nurturing self-trust in her. I remembered all the times I’ve refused to offer her an evaluation and asked her to tell me what she thinks instead. I recalled a few times when she’s asked me a question and I’ve simply responded, “You know.”

I remembered a time at the playground when she refused to climb up, worried she might fall. And then a subsequent trip when she tried to climb up and did fall (even though I was spotting her). She cried, got back up and tried again, finally succeeding. I remembered the look on her face. It looked like the success was even sweeter after her previous failure.

I know that’s often the case for me. Overcoming fear and putting in effort gives me a greater sense of purpose. And maybe that’s what they’re meant to do. It’s the things I’m not willing to try, because I’m afraid of failure that most plague me. It’s the times I notice that I’m playing it safe that disappoint me. Because I think we’re all bound for greatness, except when we get in our own way or we’re too afraid to step up.

So I want my daughter to trust her instincts and go for what she wants, recognizing a potential failure as just another stepping-stone to success. Because after all, as long as we persevere, that’s really all failures ever are.

And when she has a question, I want her to look within and know that she’ll always find what she needs there. Sure, she can look something up or ask a teacher. But ultimately, I want her to know that HER truth is what matters most. I want her to know that no matter what others might say, she can trust her inner knowing.

In fact, I want that for everyone! So this week, let’s all trust ourselves more and let’s remind our children that they’re trustworthy. Let’s also take a look at our words and our actions to make sure that we’re sending the message loud and clear that we trust our children. And if there are things that you’re doing that seem to fly in the face of that message, look within and decide for yourself whether you still need to do those things. Maybe there’s a way that you can trust and let go even more than you are already. Or maybe not. Either way, I trust you.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

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My Top 10 Most Popular Posts of 2012

In the past I used to write whatever I wanted on this blog and I still do that to a large extent. But this year I had a shift. I realized that I want this blog, this website, and my business to be more about what YOU want and less about what just happens to strike my fancy when I sit down to write my posts. In order to better analyze what you like, I decided to take a look at the best performing posts from 2012 and use them to direct my future efforts.

And wow, I am shocked at how much time it has taken me to figure out what my top ten posts of last year were. First I had to decide on an accurate measure. Should I use traffic, views, tweets, or Facebook shares? After much research and analysis, I’ve decided to base my most popular posts on Facebook shares, since that’s how most of you let me know you’ve enjoyed my post. And so, without further ado, here are the top ten most popular posts of 2012! Oh, and I’ll share them in reverse order for a bit of dramatic flair 😉

#10 Forced Apologies Undermine Conflict Resolution Skills

 

#9 Three Simple Activities Children Absolutely Love

 

#8 Our New Favorite Geography Game

 

#7 Seven Strategies to Transform Challenging Moments

 

#6 How to Teach Toddlers to Share

 

#5 Circumcision is Genital Mutilation

 

#4 The Santa Conversation

 

#3 Don’t Say That Do Say This: 20 Things Not To Say To Your Child (And What To Say Instead)

 

#2 “Back Off!” Empowering Young People to Claim their Personal Space

 

and drum roll please…the number one most popular article from 2012 was…

 

#1 Why My Child’s Sleep Rules My Life and I Wouldn’t Have it Any Other Way

 

Thank you so much for being here with me in 2012 and for sticking with me in 2013. I’ve got an exciting new eCourse in the works due to open in the spring. As usual you can expect weekly posts on whatever seems most relevant to the conscious parenting conversation. And please contact me if you have any questions, want to connect with me more, or have suggestions about what else you’d like to see me write about here at Awake Parent!

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

 

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The Santa Conversation

My daughter is two years old and I’ve been fretting about the Santa conversation. I’m clear that I don’t want to lie to her. I remember feeling betrayed and angry when I realized that Santa is mythical. And I’d like to save my daughter from that same break of trust.

On the other hand, I do believe in magic. I love fantasy play and we already talk a lot about dragons, read stories in which animals speak and play imaginary games.

Since she’s just two, we’re just beginning to have conversations about what’s “real” and what’s “imaginary.” Julia will often ask if something is “real or dead” as the distinctions between alive, dead, real, and imaginary are tricky ones. Just last week we had a philosophical discussion about how a doll can’t get hurt because she’s not a “real” baby. But my husband was quick to point out that she is a real doll! It’s all very complex.

We have a lot of extended family here in Bend, OR, so as the holidays approached, I made sure to talk with my husband, parents, and in-laws about my concerns about the Santa story so that we could all get on the same page and create the least confusion for Julia.

We had some interesting conversations to say the least. My wonderful father-in-law reminded me of the mother in the movie “Miracle on 34th Street” who refused to play along with the Santa story, always told her daughter the truth, and also robbed herself and her daughter the experience of believing in magic. Luckily, magic wins out in the end.

I know I’m not THAT mom. But I’m also not the mom who insists that Santa is going to come to our house jump through the chimney and leave extravagant gifts for us. We won’t be leaving milk and cookies out and we don’t even have a chimney. So how can I share the mythical story, the magic, and the wonder, without lying to my child?

I just read Dr. Laura Markham’s response to a similar inquiry and liked what she had to say on the topic. She shared the idea of answering a child’s questions with our own questions. “What do you think?” which I like to do in general. I really love hearing the interesting ideas and connections my daughter comes up with when I ask her open-ended questions like that.

But the part that really resonated with me was talking with children about the spirit of Santa. I have always loved the idea of sharing the story of Saint Nicholas and his generous spirit, and I do see modern day Santa as a reflection of those values.

So yes, we’ll talk about the story of Santa, the myth of Santa Claus, the real person Saint Nicholas who lived a long long time ago. Just like we’ll talk about the birth of Christ, the Maccabees and their oil, and lots of other historical, religious, and didactic stories during this holiday season.

We’ll sing about dreidels and jingle bells and snow. And whatever my daughter’s experience is, at least I’ll know that I’ve chosen what works for me, what feels right in my bones, and I can be certain that I can look her in the eye and say, I hear you, I love you, and I’ll always do my best to tell you the truth.

As for the things she hears from everybody else, ultimately I can’t control that, nor do I want to. A part of being human is realizing that sometimes people lie, sometimes their truths differ from yours, and sometimes believing in magic really is the best thing for all involved.

Have a great week!

Love and hugs, Shelly

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Fostering Gratitude

My daughter’s favorite phrase lately seems to be, “I want I want I want…” and then she fills in the blank with whatever she happens to want in that particular moment. We’ve been working on asking nicely, which she does beautifully when prompted. And, with Thanksgiving approaching I’ve been thinking about the relationship between desire and gratitude.

In my experience, desire is somewhat uncomfortable and exciting and if my desire goes unfulfilled it can reach a point of frenzy. Gratitude on the other hand is calming, heart centered, and incredibly fulfilling in and of itself.

So, when I find myself stuck in a cycle of desire, I can often find a peaceful way out by consciously practicing gratitude. And I deeply want Julia to develop this useful skill.

For the next couple of weeks when she starts in with her refrain, “I want I want I want…” I think I’ll respond by sharing something I’m grateful for, instead of prompting her to ask nicely. “I’m so grateful we get to spend this time together!” or “I’m glad we have lovely healthy food to eat.” And then I’ll ask, “What are you grateful for?”

Sure, we’ll practice this on Thanksgiving, but why not start early and continue through the end of the month? In fact, why take a break from gratitude at all?

There are bunches of studies from positive psychology and happiness research that show that gratitude increases quality of life. Here’s a list of some peer reviewed studies from 2006-2011 if you’re interested in learning more about the current research.

The point is that gratitude and appreciation are emotions that benefit us and the people around us. And what’s the best way to teach this wonderful skill to our children? Why, to practice it regularly ourselves, of course!

How do you practice gratitude on a daily and weekly basis? Do you have rituals around food, like saying grace? Do you recount favorite moments of each day at bedtime? Do you have family meeting where each person gets a chance to appreciate the other members of the family?

If none of these sound familiar, maybe it’s time to implement a gratitude practice into your life! Even something as simple as keeping a gratitude journal that you write in daily can improve your happiness and wellbeing. And even if you don’t formally adopt a practice WITH the kids, your own daily practice will still positively impact your family.

The holidays are a wonderful time to practice being grateful for what we have, and they’re also a good time to give to others. Sometimes I find that it’s easier to be grateful for the abundance in my life when I spend time with people who are less fortunate. It’s very easy to take things for granted when everyone around us has things like hot running water and cars to drive.

But when we volunteer at a local soup kitchen, it feels really good to give back AND it reminds us how fortunate we are. Really, having hot running water and a roof over our heads is quite a miracle.

So, what are you most grateful for today? And how might you implement a gratitude practice with your kids? Or do you already have one that you’d like to share? I love hearing from you!

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

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Seven Strategies to Transform Challenging Moments

Sometimes I wish my child wasn’t such a perfect reflection of my emotional state. I was grumpy yesterday and how did my daughter respond? By not listening, not helping, and saying no to everything. I knew that she was just responding to my own “no” energy, yet I somehow couldn’t pull myself out of my funk and become more of a “yes.” Instead, I just simmered in my “everything’s wrong” mentality and watched my child’s behavior become more erratic, clingy, defiant, and reactive as the day wore on.

Usually I can shift things when I feel us heading toward the downward spiral of negativity, but yesterday, not so much. I did finally decide to take the dogs for their walk and being outside in the sunshine, getting some exercise and watching the dogs frolic did help lift my dark mood.

And then I realized that I have bunches of strategies for how to anticipate and transform challenging moments and I can usually use them with creativity and ease. But it seems that at the times I most need them, they’re nowhere to be found.

So this week I’ve decided to write down seven strategies for how to shift things when everything seems to be going downhill. Here they are:

1)    Notice any patterns— He usually melts down in the afternoon around 4pm. She typically freaks out when it’s time to leave the park. He often asks for candy when we’re in the check out line. She wants to watch videos whenever her uncle comes to visit. As you begin to notice the patterns, you might be surprised to learn that your child associates things that seem completely separate to you. This information can be golden if you’re trying to change things up.

2)   Identify what doesn’t work— If you’re unclear what doesn’t work for you, it’s unlikely a change will occur. On the other hand, if you know for certain, exactly what is not working, an alternative will likely come to mind. Don’t be afraid to let your child in on this information. “You know, I’m starting to dread going to the grocery store with you because the last few times you’ve had tantrums. It’s fine with me that you have big feelings, we all do. But I don’t enjoy sitting on the floor in the grocery store while you scream. Do you think we could try something different today?”

3)   Make a plan for a similar future incident— When I was a nanny, one of my charges started biting his brother. I knew that if it had happened once, it was likely to happen again, so his mom, dad, and I came up with a plan to redirect his biting to an inanimate object. We followed up by watching for warning signs, identifying patterns and being on alert at certain times of day.

4)  Take a break— Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away, take a break, take some deep breaths and focus on myself for a minute or two. Often I find that when I take the time to really reflect on what’s going on for me and I can give myself some empathy or reach out to a friend or loved one for connection, I’m able to shift my energy and my daughter responds in kind.

5)   Be dramatic— I couldn’t seem to get the kids to help clean up their work. I was asking nicely (sort of) and trying to turn it into a game (but my heart wasn’t really in it). Then I finally realized that I could completely freak out about how awesome it was that my student had put a single toy into the basket. “Wow! That’s so COOL! Thank you SO MUCH!!! I LOVE it when you help me out!” Big hugs and cheers ensued. Pretty soon, all the toys were in the basket. Wild, over the top enthusiasm worked here, and I’ve also had success with pretending to faint, running away screaming, or otherwise acting out my internal experience dramatically. It feels good to express myself and it’s fun for kids to see unexpected behavior from the adults in their lives.

6)   Act it out— Children respond incredibly well to puppetry, acting, storytelling and the like. If you’re experiencing a consistent issue with a child, often the best thing to do is to act it out and explore each person’s experience through role-playing and storytelling. Warning: you have to be over the heat of your emotion about the incident or this will come across as lecturing, rather than playing. So take some time, think it over and when you have compassion for your child’s experience, try this one out.

7)   Notice the difference— “Hey, remember how we were working on asking nicely by saying please and then saying thank you when you get what you’ve asked for? Well, I’ve really noticed your efforts. In fact, I was very surprised yesterday when you asked for the sidewalk chalk. You said please without even being reminded!”

So, do you use these strategies already? Are there others that work for you that I’ve forgotten to include? I love it when you share your stories, strategies, and ideas with us all. Please let us know what you think by leaving a comment below.

And have a great week, Shelly

 

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