Tag: Conscious Parenting

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How Setting Parenting Goals Can Completely Change Your Life

Photo by Suzette Hibble

I’m frustrated with how things are. I know I want a change. I just wish things were different and easier and that I didn’t get a bunch of resistance at every step along the way. I try to talk to my husband about it and we get into a fight. I can’t even seem to figure out exactly what I’m wanting. Sound familiar?

I’ve been a self-professed personal growth junkie for over ten years and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that setting goals is the best way to make a change. Yet somehow when it comes to parenting I seem to forget this important step.

So instead I end up spending days weeks and even months stressing out over how things are going and freaking out about how I must not be doing it right. After a while I finally remember that setting a goal, making a plan and reaching toward my goal is the best way to make change happen. And almost instantly, changes do happen and I’m shocked at how easy it was to get from point A to point B.

I’m not quite sure why it’s easier to set goals when they’re work related or health related but when it comes to setting parenting goals I often draw a blank.

About a year ago Julia and I were really struggling with sleep and I was at my wits end. And then I read “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” by Elizabeth Pantley (which is absolutely my favorite sleep book) and she included questionnaires, forms, and logs to set goals, record what was actually happening, and assess whether or not we were reaching our goals. It worked like a charm!

Almost as soon as I had my goals in mind and my plan set up, Julia easily slipped into the new routine. And the same thing has happened in lots of areas of our life together. From night weaning to potty training, as soon as I had a goal and a plan, life got considerably easier.

So what is it that’s bothering you right now in your parenting journey? Are you losing your temper and don’t want to be? Are you at a loss as to how to proceed in some area? Are tantrums and whining making life less fun? Are you losing sleep night after night?

Take a moment to put your attention on the one or two things that are bothering you most about your parenting and then make a commitment to come up with a specific measurable goal and a solid plan for achieving your goal. Then, after you’ve begun to implement your plan, please write to me and tell me how it’s going!

Now that Julia is just about potty trained, we’ll be embarking on a parent led weaning adventure in the next month or so. I’m going to set some goals, make a plan and stick to it! And I’ll definitely keep you posted on our progress. And I can’t wait to hear about your new parenting goals!

Have a great week, Shelly

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Forced Apologies Undermine Conflict Resolution Skills

Remember what it was like when you got into a squabble with your siblings or friends and at the end there was the inevitable, “Say you’re sorry” and you half-heartedly responded, “I’m sorry” and then the two of you were supposed to “make up” and play together again as if nothing had happened?

I don’t know about you, but I felt angry and frustrated when this happened to me as a child. And I never really meant it, even when I said it. And the other kid knew that I didn’t mean it. They didn’t mean it either. And it took a while before we were able to actually let it go and be true friends again.

Now as an adult I see that forcing children to apologize when they’re not really sorry actually undermines their internal drive for social cohesion and conflict resolution. I want children to actually empathize with one another, understanding the impact that their words or actions might have had upon another. And then I’d like them to genuinely apologize because they want to. If they’re not ready to apologize, that doesn’t mean they need to be isolated and “think about what they’ve done.”

On a deep level I trust that all children have positive intentions behind their actions. Even when I don’t understand the intentions, they might. I also trust that children want to live in peace and harmony as much as possible. So, while siblings might fight, they also rely on one another for companionship and nobody enjoys the uncomfortable silences and hurtful words that accompany holding a grudge for a long period of time.

Ultimately, apologies are a tool for reconnection when we’ve done or said things that have created a rift in our relationships with others. So why not teach children to use this tool when and where they see fit?

Just the other day my daughter was sitting on my lap. She got excited and head butted me in the face. “Ouch!” I cried out, “You just head butted me. Ow, that really hurts.” Although I’ve never taught her to or asked her to say she’s sorry, she immediately apologized for inadvertently hurting me. And then she offered to kiss the spot that hurt. I was so touched by her genuine apology! And I knew for sure that she wasn’t giving me some canned or memorized speech. Even at two years old, she knows how to repair any damage caused by her actions.

On the other hand, when we ask children to apologize prematurely we are actually devaluing the process of working through conflict. We’re sending the message that we ought to just quickly apologize, even if we don’t feel sorry as a way to smooth over the incident. We’re also inadvertently teaching kids that conflicts should be avoided, rather than used as an opportunity to connect further and get to know each other better.

So this week, rather than asking children to say they’re sorry, let’s try trusting that they already know what to do. Let’s talk with them about how they feel, how they think they’ve been hurt or wronged, validate their feelings, and share new and different perspectives with them.

“Huh, I wonder why he said that to you. Do you think he might have been having a bad day?” or “Well, I guess you could retaliate by not inviting her to your birthday party, but what about talking with her about how you feel about what happened?”

I’ve consistently seen four year olds effectively work through conflicts by talking with each other. It often sounded like this,

“I didn’t like it when you pushed me, that hurt my body.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean to, I wanted you to move because you were blocking the road.”

“Next time, please tell me to move instead of pushing me”

“OK, I’m sorry I hurt your body, does it still hurt?”

“Yes”

“I will go and get an icepack for you.”

“OK, thanks!”

Sure, we had been working with these children for months on how to communicate their needs and desires clearly and how to listen to another person who is upset. And we modeled nonviolent communication and repair strategies often. But with some modeling and guidance, I think all children can learn to resolve their conflicts peacefully.

How are your kids doing with the important task of conflict resolution? Do they need you to intervene whenever they have a disagreement? Or are they able to share their feelings with one another and empathize with others? And how much do they tell you about the social dynamics at school and in other social groups?

I hope you’re having a great week and I can’t wait to hear from you!

Warmly, Shelly

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Why My Child’s Sleep Rules My Life and I Wouldn’t Have it Any Other Way

I hear all sorts of things from other parents and from my colleagues about how a child’s sleep schedule doesn’t have to rule your life. I’ve heard moms proclaim, “I’m not about to let my infant dictate my schedule, she can sleep just as well in the stroller anyway.” Well, I respectfully disagree.

Children need adequate sleep to be able to function and learn well, just like we all do. And stroller sleeping is NOT the same thing as sleeping at home in a cozy and familiar bed. Sure, children CAN do it, but that doesn’t mean they should.

Just yesterday I was listening to the radio and heard that for an adult, missing an hour of sleep per night for a week diminishes our mental capacity to the same degree as it would if we had not slept for 48 hours straight. Whoa. Sleep really does impact us more than we realize.

Maybe you’re one of those parents who resists a consistent schedule or who doesn’t want to schedule the rest of your life around your child’s need for sleep. If so, my intention is not to belittle your choice or even necessarily to convince you to change your ways. I just want to tell you about why I love it that my life is completely ruled by my daughter’s sleep.

#1 Zero meltdown days- When my daughter gets a consistent sleeping schedule, she is happier, more adaptable, and better able to handle surprises or disruptions to the rest of the schedule. If she’s sleep deprived (even an hour less sleep in 24 hrs.) she is MUCH more reactive and more likely to become upset by things that seem incredibly small and insignificant to me. As long as I keep her napping and sleeping schedule consistent, we often have lots of zero meltdown days!

#2 She asks for her nap and to go to bed at night- The first time I asked, “Are you ready for your nap?” and heard a “Yes, Mommy.” I was shocked. I’ve had a LOT of experience with children resisting sleep, and she will sometimes fight it after we’re in her room, but she will ALWAYS willingly go into her bedroom for nap-time. I think this speaks to how clearly I’ve held her sleep as a priority and how consistent I’ve been with the timing and location of her daily naps.

#3 I like a consistent schedule too- Honestly, it’s difficult for me to empathize with a distaste for schedules, I find a consistent routine comforting and easier than changing things up constantly. Sure, we’re home a lot, but I like being at home! For those of you who don’t enjoy a consistent schedule, what is it about this that bothers you? Is it simply boring to do the same thing every day? Or is it something else? I guess I’m just lucky that I enjoy consistency, because it’s been clear to me all along that my daughter thrives when she knows what to expect and feels comfortable in a familiar environment. Sure, we go out on adventures, but we almost always come back home to sleep.

#4 Did I mention zero meltdowns?- OK, so not only is it easier for HER emotional state when she gets consistent and reliable sleep, it’s easier for me too! I guess I could choose to stay out at a fun activity for an extra half an hour, but the resultant fussiness my daughter exhibits has never seemed worth it to me. I make it a point to change or disrupt her sleeping schedule only about once a month. And when I do, it usually takes us several days to get back on schedule, so it has to be something really worthwhile like staying up late around the campfire, going to a special art exhibit or a musical performance I’ve been really looking forward to.

#5 When the schedule changes, she rolls with it- By providing a consistent sleep schedule as a foundation for my daughter, she knows she’ll get the rest she needs, so she doesn’t have to freak out when I keep her out an hour past her bedtime once a month. Instead, she is just her usual happy self, even well past her bedtime. But that’s only because I’ve built up a saving’s account of consistent sleep that she can draw on during unusual circumstances.

So, all in all I think my message is clear. I’ve prioritized my daughter’s sleep schedule so that our lives together will be easier and more fun. Who cares about that extra hour of time out with a friend if the rest of the day with my daughter is frustrating and filled with meltdowns?!

When I choose consistency for my child’s sleep, I’m also choosing more cooperation, ease and sanity for myself. Do you agree or disagree with me? I would love to hear YOUR opinion!

Have a wonderful and restful week, Shelly

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So what exactly AM I supposed to say to my child now?

Photo by Suzette Hibble www.thebayareaphotographer.com

Some of the recent research on the psychology of children is showing that saying things like, “You’re so smart! Good job! And He’s so cute!” can actually harm a child’s emerging sense of self-confidence. Apparently when we tell a child she’s smart because she got an A on her report card, she automatically associates the two and begins to think that if she doesn’t get an A, she’ll no longer be considered “smart.”

In an effort to encourage more internal motivation and less dependence on external validation, researchers and other experts are recommending that we remove this kind of empty praise from our vocabulary with our kids.

So now, whenever I say “good job!” to my daughter I immediately suck in my breath and think, “Oh no! I’ve said it. I just totally screwed up my kid.” Granted, that’s probably not the most useful thought, but there you have it

Then there’s the fact that our children are like a mirror that reflects just a little bit too well. When I hear things come out of my daughter’s mouth, it’s clear that she learned them at home (or pretty close to home). So then I begin to listen to what comes out of my mouth even more carefully and I’m almost always surprised at what I discover.

So now I’m left wondering what IS OK and how I can foster the language (in myself, my family and the larger community) that will most serve my child. The practice that jumps to mind is the practice of acknowledgment.

When we acknowledge one another we’re not just labeling each other as “good” or “smart” or “cute;” instead we are sharing our feelings, our experiences, and the impact that another person has had on us. I’ve written about acknowledgment before here: https://www.awakeparent.com/Shelly/loving-ourselves-acknowledging-gifts/ So check that out if you’d like a specific structure to follow.

I also think it’s always OK to say “Thank you” as long as we really mean it. But watch out for anything you’re saying that isn’t exactly what you mean. It’s easy to get into a habit of saying something only to reflect upon it later and realize that what you’ve been saying is no longer true! And things like “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry,” can lose their meaning and become simply “the polite thing to say.”

So this week is all about examining the language we use with our children (and with everyone else) to see if there are things we’ve been saying that aren’t serving us or those we love. Do we over-do empty praise? Have we gotten so focused on telling people what’s wrong that we’ve forgotten to acknowledge their efforts? Are we just going through the motions of being polite without really expressing the heartfelt sentiments? Or is there another way that your language doesn’t truly express what you’re intending? And, what would you RATHER be saying?

I’ve recently realized that I sometimes say, “No, no, no!” so this week I’m committing to removing the frantic and repeated “nos” from my vocabulary. I think I’ll replace them with, “Stop!” I’m curious, what have you noticed about your language that you’re ready to change?

Thanks so much for being a part of this community! I appreciate you.

Big hugs, Shelly

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Sometimes what kids need most from us is nothing at all

I think one of the most challenging lessons I’ve learned as a teacher and as a parent is when NOT to intervene. It is actually excruciating for me to hear a child struggling and not rush over to help. But sometimes doing nothing is actually the best thing we can do for a child. When we sit back, shut up, and allow our children to experience their struggle fully, they also get to experience the joy of conquest and the knowledge that they can rely on themselves to work through a challenge.

If you know me at all, you know that I’m not suggesting we allow our children to experience constant struggle. Emotional upset is counterproductive to learning overall. However, there are moments when we all rush in too quickly, offer too much coaching, or otherwise deflate the attempts our children are making to learn something new.

It’s human nature to want to help a younger, smaller, struggling human. But what message are we sending when we constantly intervene on behalf of our children?

Rushing out the door, we put the coat on our child because it’s faster than waiting for him to do it himself. We feed our toddlers by spoon because “she eats more this way.” We help an older with his homework so that we can all enjoy pizza and a movie together.

And the underlying message our kids are receiving is, “You aren’t able to do it yourself. You need my (older and more capable) help. And struggling is not OK.” And then we wonder why our kids eventually stop trying to excel and just do the bare minimum that’s required of them.

I think that the message that children are incapable is being ingrained in them from infancy. On the contrary, the infant’s brain is arguably the most intelligent thing on Earth. Even tiny infants are capable of incredible feats of deduction, learning and memory. They just have a hard time moving their bodies and communicating verbally.

But as soon as we see them as the intelligent and capable beings they truly are, it’s actually quite amazing how much they really CAN communicate. And, by the time they are walking and talking, children are capable of all sorts of interesting and helpful tasks when given the opportunity to learn and perform those tasks.

OK, so let’s say we’re all on the same page here and we agree that even very young children are incredibly intelligent and capable. Now what? Now, it’s our job to bring more awareness to whether, when, and how we step in to support their learning. Offering our unsolicited fear as in, “Wait! Stop! Don’t do that! You might fall/spill/trip” is NOT helpful. Neither is too much verbal information ABOUT the given task. Instead, what children need is a safe place to EXPERIENCE and EXPERIMENT with the things they’re inspired to learn about.

Here’s a video of my daughter playing with her new farm toy. As you’ll see, she gets frustrated, but I don’t say or do anything. In fact, when I see her turn her head toward me (later in the video) I avert my eyes so as not to disrupt her play with eye contact.

Here are my top five rules for how to support my daughter in her quest for autonomy:

1)     If she’s frustrated, take a breath, relax my body and if the frustration continues remind her to ask for help when she needs it. “I’m available to help you if you need me.” There’s a “but I trust you can do it on your own” attitude inherent in my tone of voice.

2)    Bite my tongue when I have advice, suggestions, or negative feedback about how she’s doing a new task. Remain neutral if there’s something that MUST be communicated. For instance “I see some water spilled here,” with a flat tone of voice.

3)    Offer LOTS of opportunities for new activities. Notice which ones she gravitates toward and consider other similar activities. When she’s engaged in an activity, DON’T INTERRUPT with words, actions, or eye contact.

4)   Remember that all messes can eventually be cleaned up. Don’t cry (or yell or roll my eyes) over spilled milk (or paint, or mud, or broken eggs)

5)    Invite her to do it. Show her how to do it. And invite her to do it again.

I’m so curious how you handle this at your house. Do you feel you intervene too much or too little? And what are your rules to support your child’s exploration and learning?

I hope you’re having a fantastic week. Warm hugs, Shelly

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