Tag: creating the life you want

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Setting Intentions for the New Year

The end of 2012 is sneaking up on us, we have just two and a half weeks left of this year! I’ve been busy entering data from the year into my accounting spreadsheets and preparing for taxes. But as the year comes to an end, I think it’s only natural to look toward the coming year and set some intentions.

I don’t like to call them “New Year’s Resolutions” as that phrase brings up memories of failed attempts to make a change, over zealous lifestyle changes that last a couple of weeks, and broken promises to myself. Yuck!

Instead, I’d rather set my intentions for 2013. By setting intentions I’m not telling myself I can’t or won’t fail. I’m not making any wild pronouncements about what I will ALWAYS or NEVER do. Instead, I’m stating a desire, creating a picture of how I’d like things to go, and setting some specific goals to strive for, while giving myself love, acceptance, and grace when things don’t go as planned.

So here’s my list so far:

1)   Help Julia learn to fall asleep on her own with little help from an adult

2)   Keep track of all expenditures and get spending under control

3)   Find new ways to save money and make wise long term financial decisions

4)   Double (at least) my income from 2012

5)   Lose 13 more pounds and continue to exercise regularly

6)   Create my first Awake Parent eCourse and launch it successfully

7)   Grow my list to 10,000 subscribers

8)   Take classes just for me (voice lessons, belly dancing etc.)

9)   Swim lessons for Julia

10)  Get pregnant???

Wow, it feels so vulnerable to share all that! I think it’s worth it though, because it can be difficult to set intentions without a real life example. Here are some other intentions that some of my friends and clients have shared with me for 2013:

1)   Have special time with each of my kids every week

2)   Start a date night with my husband that we protect as sacred

3)   Double the reach of my charitable organization

4)   Find my life partner and fall in love

5)   Stop yelling at my kids

6)   Have better, more frequent sex

7)   Buy a new car with cash

8)   Refinance my mortgage

9)   Foster empathy between siblings

10)  Implement more gentle discipline

Sure, this could end up being similar to any goal setting or to do list. But here’s what will make the biggest difference between just creating a list and noticing that nothing happens, and actually accomplishing these intentions.

Turn your list of intentions into a VISION.

Now I know that visioning works, because that’s how I found my wonderful husband! Here are the rules for writing an effective vision:

1)   Everything is stated in the positive (no exceptions).

2)   It is written in present tense, as if all of this is already true.

3)   It is a narrative and when you read it you truly FEEL how you will feel when you accomplish the goals within.

4)   You MUST share your vision with at least three people.

So, your homework for this week, if you choose to accept it, is to make a simple list of intentions for 2013. And next week, I’ll share more about turning that list into a vision that will draw the results you’re wanting into your life easily and effectively.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

 

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Overflowing with Gratitude

I just got off the phone with a client and I’m feeling so much inspiration and gratitude. I’m grateful that I get to support people to live the lives they’re most inspired to live. I’m grateful I can make an impact on one person and that impact can ripple out in beautiful and unexpected ways. And I’m grateful that I can be moved and impacted in return. Wow. My life is such a blessing.

As I sit here looking out my office window I see a tree with a few yellow leaves still hanging on, trying desperately to survive for another day. I’m so grateful to be healthy and alive! I see my hot tub, what a source of joy and relaxation. I’m so comfortable inside my centrally heated home under electric lights that work. I’m sitting here sipping hot tea and typing on a truly incredibly piece of hardware, (fyi, my wonderful husband who I adore sometimes calls my MacBook Air my boyfriend).

And I get to share my innermost thoughts with you! I am so incredibly grateful to you for reading this right now. Your presence in my life inspires me to continue to share myself honestly, openly, and fearlessly. When you listen, you provide a space where I can share. And when you share, I get to listen. It’s a win-win!

I’m about to go pick up a pie that I didn’t have to bake myself, all I had to do was make a phone call and the woman on the other end of the line said, “We’ll have it ready for you!” What a marvel!

I can hear my cat meowing, which usually annoys me, but right now it sounds like music and warm snuggles, and companionship. I can hear my mom in the next room playing with my daughter. Two of the people I adore most in the world, and they’re having so much fun together!

When I think of my family, I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. There are so many people who love me, care for and about me, and support me in so many ways. My husband is incredible, my parents are awesome, and lucky me, I even adore my in-laws!

The client I just spoke to recently finished his yearly drive to deliver Thanksgiving dinners to families in need. They delivered turkeys and fixings to 519 families this year. And each and every family received the surprise delivery from another real live family who personally brought the food to their door and handed it to them. The human connection as he described the process was beautifully palpable.

Earlier today I spoke to someone who does relief work in Africa and helps manage millions of dollars in aid every year. My life is filled with incredible people do amazing and meaningful work in the world.

Just yesterday I spoke with a friend who cares for her son all day every day. I am constantly in awe of the moms who can do that day in and day out. Being a mother is a huge service already, but being a stay at home parent who’s a primary care giver for a child is just incredibly beautiful. If you do that job, my hat is off to you. You’re making a huge difference in the life of your child.

And then there are the working moms, who work all day to support their families and then come home and still care for their puking, feverish children all night long, only to head back to work the next day. Um, can I please give you some sort of medal or something?

Everywhere I look there are countless reasons to be grateful and to appreciate, and to be inspired to be and do even more. I want to grow and build and care even more when I connect with you. Thank you!

Whether you’ve done something small like clicking like on one of my facebook posts or something big like purchasing ongoing coaching from me, your participation in our community makes a difference.

And not just here either, the friend you talked to last week who was struggling, or the kind word you offered to someone at the grocery store while their child was melting down, or the ex-husband that you shared your children with over the weekend. They all benefit from your generosity and compassion.

And though you may not know all of the ways that your kindness branches out and grows, let me assure you, it does. When you share love, it blossoms and grows, in small ways and in large ways, impacting a single person or perhaps thousands, even millions of people.

Thank you for helping me share my love and thank you for sharing yours. Together, I do believe we’re changing things for the better. And I’m having a lot more fun doing it with you than I ever could all by myself.

Love, hugs, and Happy Thanksgiving, Shelly

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Seven Strategies to Transform Challenging Moments

Sometimes I wish my child wasn’t such a perfect reflection of my emotional state. I was grumpy yesterday and how did my daughter respond? By not listening, not helping, and saying no to everything. I knew that she was just responding to my own “no” energy, yet I somehow couldn’t pull myself out of my funk and become more of a “yes.” Instead, I just simmered in my “everything’s wrong” mentality and watched my child’s behavior become more erratic, clingy, defiant, and reactive as the day wore on.

Usually I can shift things when I feel us heading toward the downward spiral of negativity, but yesterday, not so much. I did finally decide to take the dogs for their walk and being outside in the sunshine, getting some exercise and watching the dogs frolic did help lift my dark mood.

And then I realized that I have bunches of strategies for how to anticipate and transform challenging moments and I can usually use them with creativity and ease. But it seems that at the times I most need them, they’re nowhere to be found.

So this week I’ve decided to write down seven strategies for how to shift things when everything seems to be going downhill. Here they are:

1)    Notice any patterns— He usually melts down in the afternoon around 4pm. She typically freaks out when it’s time to leave the park. He often asks for candy when we’re in the check out line. She wants to watch videos whenever her uncle comes to visit. As you begin to notice the patterns, you might be surprised to learn that your child associates things that seem completely separate to you. This information can be golden if you’re trying to change things up.

2)   Identify what doesn’t work— If you’re unclear what doesn’t work for you, it’s unlikely a change will occur. On the other hand, if you know for certain, exactly what is not working, an alternative will likely come to mind. Don’t be afraid to let your child in on this information. “You know, I’m starting to dread going to the grocery store with you because the last few times you’ve had tantrums. It’s fine with me that you have big feelings, we all do. But I don’t enjoy sitting on the floor in the grocery store while you scream. Do you think we could try something different today?”

3)   Make a plan for a similar future incident— When I was a nanny, one of my charges started biting his brother. I knew that if it had happened once, it was likely to happen again, so his mom, dad, and I came up with a plan to redirect his biting to an inanimate object. We followed up by watching for warning signs, identifying patterns and being on alert at certain times of day.

4)  Take a break— Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away, take a break, take some deep breaths and focus on myself for a minute or two. Often I find that when I take the time to really reflect on what’s going on for me and I can give myself some empathy or reach out to a friend or loved one for connection, I’m able to shift my energy and my daughter responds in kind.

5)   Be dramatic— I couldn’t seem to get the kids to help clean up their work. I was asking nicely (sort of) and trying to turn it into a game (but my heart wasn’t really in it). Then I finally realized that I could completely freak out about how awesome it was that my student had put a single toy into the basket. “Wow! That’s so COOL! Thank you SO MUCH!!! I LOVE it when you help me out!” Big hugs and cheers ensued. Pretty soon, all the toys were in the basket. Wild, over the top enthusiasm worked here, and I’ve also had success with pretending to faint, running away screaming, or otherwise acting out my internal experience dramatically. It feels good to express myself and it’s fun for kids to see unexpected behavior from the adults in their lives.

6)   Act it out— Children respond incredibly well to puppetry, acting, storytelling and the like. If you’re experiencing a consistent issue with a child, often the best thing to do is to act it out and explore each person’s experience through role-playing and storytelling. Warning: you have to be over the heat of your emotion about the incident or this will come across as lecturing, rather than playing. So take some time, think it over and when you have compassion for your child’s experience, try this one out.

7)   Notice the difference— “Hey, remember how we were working on asking nicely by saying please and then saying thank you when you get what you’ve asked for? Well, I’ve really noticed your efforts. In fact, I was very surprised yesterday when you asked for the sidewalk chalk. You said please without even being reminded!”

So, do you use these strategies already? Are there others that work for you that I’ve forgotten to include? I love it when you share your stories, strategies, and ideas with us all. Please let us know what you think by leaving a comment below.

And have a great week, Shelly

 

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How Setting Parenting Goals Can Completely Change Your Life

Photo by Suzette Hibble

I’m frustrated with how things are. I know I want a change. I just wish things were different and easier and that I didn’t get a bunch of resistance at every step along the way. I try to talk to my husband about it and we get into a fight. I can’t even seem to figure out exactly what I’m wanting. Sound familiar?

I’ve been a self-professed personal growth junkie for over ten years and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that setting goals is the best way to make a change. Yet somehow when it comes to parenting I seem to forget this important step.

So instead I end up spending days weeks and even months stressing out over how things are going and freaking out about how I must not be doing it right. After a while I finally remember that setting a goal, making a plan and reaching toward my goal is the best way to make change happen. And almost instantly, changes do happen and I’m shocked at how easy it was to get from point A to point B.

I’m not quite sure why it’s easier to set goals when they’re work related or health related but when it comes to setting parenting goals I often draw a blank.

About a year ago Julia and I were really struggling with sleep and I was at my wits end. And then I read “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” by Elizabeth Pantley (which is absolutely my favorite sleep book) and she included questionnaires, forms, and logs to set goals, record what was actually happening, and assess whether or not we were reaching our goals. It worked like a charm!

Almost as soon as I had my goals in mind and my plan set up, Julia easily slipped into the new routine. And the same thing has happened in lots of areas of our life together. From night weaning to potty training, as soon as I had a goal and a plan, life got considerably easier.

So what is it that’s bothering you right now in your parenting journey? Are you losing your temper and don’t want to be? Are you at a loss as to how to proceed in some area? Are tantrums and whining making life less fun? Are you losing sleep night after night?

Take a moment to put your attention on the one or two things that are bothering you most about your parenting and then make a commitment to come up with a specific measurable goal and a solid plan for achieving your goal. Then, after you’ve begun to implement your plan, please write to me and tell me how it’s going!

Now that Julia is just about potty trained, we’ll be embarking on a parent led weaning adventure in the next month or so. I’m going to set some goals, make a plan and stick to it! And I’ll definitely keep you posted on our progress. And I can’t wait to hear about your new parenting goals!

Have a great week, Shelly

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Why My Child’s Sleep Rules My Life and I Wouldn’t Have it Any Other Way

I hear all sorts of things from other parents and from my colleagues about how a child’s sleep schedule doesn’t have to rule your life. I’ve heard moms proclaim, “I’m not about to let my infant dictate my schedule, she can sleep just as well in the stroller anyway.” Well, I respectfully disagree.

Children need adequate sleep to be able to function and learn well, just like we all do. And stroller sleeping is NOT the same thing as sleeping at home in a cozy and familiar bed. Sure, children CAN do it, but that doesn’t mean they should.

Just yesterday I was listening to the radio and heard that for an adult, missing an hour of sleep per night for a week diminishes our mental capacity to the same degree as it would if we had not slept for 48 hours straight. Whoa. Sleep really does impact us more than we realize.

Maybe you’re one of those parents who resists a consistent schedule or who doesn’t want to schedule the rest of your life around your child’s need for sleep. If so, my intention is not to belittle your choice or even necessarily to convince you to change your ways. I just want to tell you about why I love it that my life is completely ruled by my daughter’s sleep.

#1 Zero meltdown days- When my daughter gets a consistent sleeping schedule, she is happier, more adaptable, and better able to handle surprises or disruptions to the rest of the schedule. If she’s sleep deprived (even an hour less sleep in 24 hrs.) she is MUCH more reactive and more likely to become upset by things that seem incredibly small and insignificant to me. As long as I keep her napping and sleeping schedule consistent, we often have lots of zero meltdown days!

#2 She asks for her nap and to go to bed at night- The first time I asked, “Are you ready for your nap?” and heard a “Yes, Mommy.” I was shocked. I’ve had a LOT of experience with children resisting sleep, and she will sometimes fight it after we’re in her room, but she will ALWAYS willingly go into her bedroom for nap-time. I think this speaks to how clearly I’ve held her sleep as a priority and how consistent I’ve been with the timing and location of her daily naps.

#3 I like a consistent schedule too- Honestly, it’s difficult for me to empathize with a distaste for schedules, I find a consistent routine comforting and easier than changing things up constantly. Sure, we’re home a lot, but I like being at home! For those of you who don’t enjoy a consistent schedule, what is it about this that bothers you? Is it simply boring to do the same thing every day? Or is it something else? I guess I’m just lucky that I enjoy consistency, because it’s been clear to me all along that my daughter thrives when she knows what to expect and feels comfortable in a familiar environment. Sure, we go out on adventures, but we almost always come back home to sleep.

#4 Did I mention zero meltdowns?- OK, so not only is it easier for HER emotional state when she gets consistent and reliable sleep, it’s easier for me too! I guess I could choose to stay out at a fun activity for an extra half an hour, but the resultant fussiness my daughter exhibits has never seemed worth it to me. I make it a point to change or disrupt her sleeping schedule only about once a month. And when I do, it usually takes us several days to get back on schedule, so it has to be something really worthwhile like staying up late around the campfire, going to a special art exhibit or a musical performance I’ve been really looking forward to.

#5 When the schedule changes, she rolls with it- By providing a consistent sleep schedule as a foundation for my daughter, she knows she’ll get the rest she needs, so she doesn’t have to freak out when I keep her out an hour past her bedtime once a month. Instead, she is just her usual happy self, even well past her bedtime. But that’s only because I’ve built up a saving’s account of consistent sleep that she can draw on during unusual circumstances.

So, all in all I think my message is clear. I’ve prioritized my daughter’s sleep schedule so that our lives together will be easier and more fun. Who cares about that extra hour of time out with a friend if the rest of the day with my daughter is frustrating and filled with meltdowns?!

When I choose consistency for my child’s sleep, I’m also choosing more cooperation, ease and sanity for myself. Do you agree or disagree with me? I would love to hear YOUR opinion!

Have a wonderful and restful week, Shelly

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