creating the life you want – Page 7

May 18, 2011March 19, 2012

The Magic of Family Meetings

We have work meetings, book club meetings, non-profit organization meetings, and yet very few families have family meetings. However, in my parenting coaching, and especially with families of children ages 3-17, family meetings are one of the best ways I’ve found to help families get on the same page, air their dirty laundry, establish rules and expectations, and move from tension back to joy and playfulness.

But there are some definite dos and don’ts when it comes to creating a family meeting that works well and is sustainable. Here are my tips for family meetings that will help you re-connect and get down to business.

1) Keep it short- The younger your children are, the shorter your meeting should be. For children under 5, try to keep it to 20 minutes tops. As your children grow and mature, meetings will get slightly longer, but nobody wants to sit in a meeting for longer than an hour, so try to prioritize and keep your commentary to a minimum.

2) The fun sandwich- If you want your kids to love family meetings, then be sure there’s something they really like at the beginning and at the end. You could do a round of appreciations at the beginning and pizza and a movie afterward, or you might try an empathy game at the beginning and a game of basketball at the end. Or, perhaps you’ll start with a group hug and end by planning the next family vacation.

3) Grievances, chores, and other business in the middle- keep this part short too, but this is the meat of the family meeting where you’ll really make progress toward a mutual understanding of what your family’s rules, chores, and goals are. Sometimes it helps to have a poster board, white board, or other visual representation of what you’re discussing.

4) Play “Yes, And”- If you’d like the input of every family member as you create a new chore structure, plan a vacation, or figure out how to work some fun into your busy lives, try playing “Yes, And” It’s a simple game in which you first set up the task and then take turns making contributions. The rule is that you cannot argue against anyone’s contribution, you can only add your own by enthusiastically saying, “YES! And…” So you might start by saying something like, “Let’s imagine the best Saturday afternoon ever” and then each person takes a turn sharing something they’d enjoy doing on an imaginary Saturday. The idea is to get excited, use your imagination and practice being a yes to one another’s ideas. Then, after the game, you can agree on an actual plan for the day.

5) Chore wheel- A chore wheel is a fun way to establish who will do what and then you can easily trade chores every week or month. It does take a little bit of preparation before the meeting, but you’ll be amazed how something as simple as an engaging and visual reminder will help the young people in your life complete their chores on time.

So, those are my tips for a successful and sustainable family meeting. I would love to hear about your experiences with meetings in the past and/or how these tips work for you.

Have a fabulous week, Shelly

May 5, 2011March 26, 2012

Financial consciousness

It’s spring-cleaning time! Hooray! Out with the old and in with the new. Flowers are blooming, trees are budding and leafing out, and my husband and I are taking a good hard look at our finances. Ouch.

I don’t know about you, but becoming aware of exactly what is happening in my financial life is challenging for me. Recording my spending and then analyzing it is frightening. Creating and sticking to a budget feels foreign, and planning our financial future feels like sitting at the bottom of a very deep well and inching my way up brick by brick. And then there’s the issue of increasing our income and decreasing our bottom line. So now I’m hyperventilating. Well, not really, but you get my point.

But the thing is, if we don’t pay attention to our finances, we will continue to live paycheck to paycheck, never really saving for our future, and as retirement approaches we’ll be up a creek without a paddle. On the other hand, if we take a good look at our finances and bring the light of awareness to our earning, spending, saving and such, we actually have the ability to set goals and strive for them.

And if there’s one thing I know from years and years of personal development, it’s that setting a goal is the quickest way to make a change. When we strive for things, we can often achieve much more than we would otherwise.

Now here’s the kicker, if we turn away from the responsibility of our financial future, we’re not just hurting ourselves anymore, we’re hurting our children too. And not just because we can’t provide the things we want to give them. I mean sure, it’ll be nice to know that we can actually afford to buy our kids healthy food and fun toys, or maybe we plan to save up for their college education. But the real disservice comes in our children’s dysfunctional relationship to money.

We are always teaching our kids. No matter how much we’d like to pretend they’re not learning things unless we intend to teach them, the truth is, they’re absorbing our relationship to money. They will use our financial health as a template on which to build their own beliefs about money.

That’s not to say that they’ll be the same as we are. Some kids grow up in poverty, don’t like it, and go on to become millionaires. Others grow up in decadence, never learning the value of hard work or the need to earn money, and end up in poverty. Still others consciously choose one road or the other, or something in between.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that we have a unique opportunity to help our children develop a healthy relationship to money. But first, we have to start by healing our own relationships to it. After we’ve examined our thoughts, beliefs, and actions around money and taken responsibility for our finances, we can teach our children to do the same.

I’m guessing we’ve all had the experience of telling our children no when they ask for something in line at the grocery store. But I’m curious how we will tell them no and what message about money they will get from that. Is it because “we can’t afford it” or because “we don’t choose to spend our hard earned money on candy” or will we remind them of that great vacation we’re saving up for? I wonder how we can make our conversations about money inspiring, informative, and age appropriate for our children.

This week, take a good hard look at your financial wellbeing. Are there areas that need your attention? If all that’s already handled (is it ever really all handled?), then set some financial goals. Finally, ask yourself, how will I teach my children about the beauty, wonder, and challenges of money this week?

Love to you all, Shelly

March 2, 2011April 28, 2011

Guest blog: Eating Together- Make it a Priority for Your Family

This guest blog is by Kitty Holman:

Well hello, 21st century. In this day and age, we are lucky if our kids can look up from their iPhones to tell us how their day went. With a constant flux of new inventions and technologies to make our lives “easier,” we are spending more and more time away from our families. But there is at least one time of the day that can be set aside from the hustles, bustles, and stresses that encompass our lives. Meal time is a natural choice. We all have to eat, and as a naturally social species, we like to do so with other people. However, traditional family dinners are dwindling and quickly becoming unconventional. Taking forty five minutes to an hour out of your day to eat as a family has great nutritional and social benefits. Most importantly, it will create a more permanent bond with your children.

Move Over Happy Meal: Good Nutrition is in Town

Many studies have proven that children and adolescents who eat at least one meal together as a family are less likely to be obese or substance abusers in adulthood. Furthermore, those that eat fruits and vegetables as adolescents are more likely to eat them regularly during adulthood. Making healthy decisions for your family’s meals have long lasting impacts. Continue reading “Guest blog: Eating Together- Make it a Priority for Your Family”

February 16, 2011April 28, 2011

The art of receiving

As a parent, we give and give and give to our kids. And then we turn around and notice our friends, partners or other family members and we give some more. Then after giving all we can, we collapse into a heap at the end of the day whining about how we never have enough time to ourselves. I get it. I’ve been there. But I think we each create our reality and we’re actually responsible for creating the lives we want. So then I reach out, ask for help, and create support systems.

The problem is that when someone is willing to help me, I actually have to be able to accept that help. I’m better at it now, but receiving hasn’t always been easy for me. Sure, I was good at receiving physical gifts, but I wasn’t so great at receiving compliments or acts of service from my friends and family. I used to energetically push those gifts away by minimizing, deflecting, or reassuring people that I had everything handled.

And then I had an epiphany. I realized that just as I love to help, so do other people. I noticed that when I was able to contribute to someone else’s wellbeing, my heart sang and then my heart immediately sank as I remembered all the times that I had been unwilling to receive help and support from others. Continue reading “The art of receiving”

October 27, 2010

Happiness is contagious

We are all inexplicably connected to one another by virtue of our deeply social nature as humans. But recently, studies have shown exactly how those connections can actually affect our well-being. This week I saw a show called “This Emotional Life” on Oregon Public Broadcasting (OPB). The highlight of this particular episode was the fact that happiness is contagious.

You’re probably wondering how they know that, right? Well, researchers created a hugely complex map of the interactions between specific people and those they’re connected with. It was a jumble of names and arrows of different colors indicating the types of relationships. Some people were related, others were friends or co-workers.

Out of all the data they collected, the most statistically significant finding was that happiness spreads through the map faster than the common cold. So it looks like when you’re happy, your happiness spreads to those you come into contact with, who then share it with other people you may not have even met. Your happiness can have a positive effect on people up to four degrees of separation from you!

With that in mind, consider the impact your happiness has on your family, and the impact theirs has on you. This week, put some special focus on doing the things that bring you joy so that you can not only experience happiness but you can also spread it to the people you love. And begin to notice how your child’s laughter can spread through your household like wildfire. What can you do this week to foster joy and laughter in your home? Continue reading “Happiness is contagious”