Empathy – Awake Parent

Parenting is one of those topics that we all feel very strongly about. I mean, our kids and their well-being is at stake, right? So, of course we’re going to be opinionated about what’s OK and what’s not OK. The problem with this is that it alienates other moms who, after all, are just like us, trying to do their best to care for and support their kids.

I think we can connect with other moms and dads and support them even if their parenting style is different from ours. Well, maybe not if it’s TOO different 🙂 but you know what I mean. I am an attachment parenting, cloth diapering, elimination communication, extended breastfeeding, Montessori at home, work from home mom who uses positive redirection and gentle discipline rather than punitive discipline. But does that mean I can only be friends with parents who are exactly the same as me? No way!

I have plenty of friends who breastfed a little or not at all (for various reasons), or who use disposables or who give their kids a time-out once in a while. And, although they might not talk about it much, I’m sure I have friends who yell at their kids. In fact, *gasp* I get frustrated and yell sometimes too! And I think that’s really the key to having compassion for other moms.

Being able to put myself in another person’s shoes, allows me to understand why they might choose to do things differently. I wish more moms would practice compassion with each other. Because, really, we’re all doing the best we can from where we’re at in every moment. We are all using whatever parenting tools we have access to. We have different schedules, different resources, and sometimes even different cultural beliefs.

The truth is, we actually have no idea how sleep deprived or hungry or stressed out that mom at the grocery store is when she stuffs a candy bar in her child’s face just to shut him up. And we don’t know what happened BEFORE the huge tantrum the little girl in the next aisle is having. I guess I just wish we could all take a breath and remember that no matter what’s happening, we’re all doing our best.

Because criticizing, judging, and shaming other moms is NOT helping. Do we really think that a mom is going to stop spanking her kids because we shame her for it? I don’t. I think that a lot of moms who spank are simply out of other ideas and resources in that moment. Many of them would LOVE to figure out a better way to help their child, but they aren’t able to think. Instead, they just need the behavior or the screaming or the hitting to STOP, so they do what their parents did to them. They spank. I can understand the impulse, even if I will never engage in the same behavior.

So, if you have a friend or family member who is a little bit different from you or who treats her child in a way you don’t like, try CONNECTING with her instead of judging her. Get CURIOUS about what’s happening for her and try to understand where she’s coming from. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg is an excellent resource for developing compassion and understanding. Go to http://www.cnvc.org to find out more about NVC.

And for now, just take a moment to try to understand someone you’ve been judging. Consider the possibility that they really are doing their best. And remember that none of us is perfect; we’re all just doing what we need to do to move from this moment into the next. Let’s choose to help and support each other to continue to learn and grow, rather than shaming each other for making a different choice. Let’s make a pact to have MORE COMPASSION FOR OTHER MOMS! Because when we can show compassion and understanding to people who are different from us, then we are REALLY modeling love and peace for our children.

Oh, and one more thing. When our children see us accepting others who are different from us, they also learn that it’s OK to BE different. Children will feel much more secure in our love for them when they see that we are able to be kind and caring to those with whom we disagree.

What do you think about this? Please leave a comment below and let’s talk more about this hot topic! Warmly, Shelly

lotus-present-moment Wow, I really don’t want to write a blog today. I can feel myself resisting, procrastinating, and trying to find anything else to occupy my time. Sound familiar? Whether it’s dishes, laundry, taxes, a project for work, or just getting off the couch to get some exercise, we all have the tendency to procrastinate.

So, why do we stare in disbelief when after the 10^th time of reminding our kids to put their shoes on and get out the door, they’re still reading or playing with their toys? I’m pretty sure we’re engaged in a double standard here. We have a specific agenda that we’d like them to agree to, but they haven’t actually agreed. So instead of outright resisting, they procrastinate. Or sometimes they actually physically resist, and often they verbally resist.

But here’s the thing about resistance, what we resist persists. You don’t just go away and stop asking them to put their shoes on. And neither do they stop asking for the toy they saw on television, or for a trip to the ball game.

What can we do without giving in to every whim of our child’s but also without resisting? And how can we invite our kids to accept and embrace what we’re asking for, rather than resisting it? I think empathy is a key here. When I offer empathy to a kid who’s procrastinating, often, before I know it, he’s doing exactly what I asked. I suspect that’s because I didn’t resist what was actually happening in the moment.

It’s easy to get frustrated that things aren’t going the way we’d like. But this week, practice “being a yes” to whatever is happening. When we can accept the present moment for exactly what it is (rather than wishing it were something else) things will often shift more quickly. And we’re teaching our kids that getting mad about it doesn’t change the outcome, instead, accepting what’s actually happening (instead of resisting it) often gets better results and almost always is more fun and generally easier. Continue reading “What we resist persists: practicing acceptance of the present moment”