Tag: Feelings

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10 Ways to Help Your Kids Deal with Your Separation

As a child of divorce myself, I can share my own experience to help you navigate your separation in the way that will best support your children and allow them to adjust to the new reality of having two separate homes. I may write more on the topic of healing or ending your romantic relationship, but today let’s focus on how you can help your children thrive, even in the midst of your separation.

Please note, I’m writing this article with the assumption that you were married and that both parents will continue to be involved in your children’s lives. If that’s not the case, there are still some points that will be helpful, but others may not apply or you may need to change the language to suit your needs, for instance, you can replace the word spouse with girlfriend/boyfriend/partner as needed. My hope is that all children will be encouraged to have some connection and relationship to both of their parents whenever possible.

1. Be honest, but don’t share too many details

Children, especially those under 5 years old, need clear and consistent messages that they can rely on. Being wishy washy or confused about whether you’ll divorce or get back together is fine within your adult relationship, but be careful not to draw your children into your indecision. Children need to understand the hard facts so that they can adjust to their new reality. And they are not your emotional support system. Rather, you are theirs, so if you find yourself talking to your kids about your relationship, please stop, refer to number 5 below, or call a friend.

Your kids also need a consistent message from both parents, so it’s important to get on the same page with your spouse on this point. What is our message to the children and can we both agree to share a consistent message? Perhaps you’ll say something like, “Mom and Dad have decided to live separately for the next 6 months. We both still love you and that will never change, but right now, we need space from each other.”

If your older child asks follow up questions about why or what happens after 6 months, you can let them know that adults have complicated relationships and that you haven’t decided yet, but try to keep your responses concise and consistent, without a lot of emotional content (whenever possible). And never ever share the details of your upset with your spouse with a child under 12.

2. Remind them that you’ll love them no matter what and none of this is their fault

I’m sure you’ve noticed that young children are very self-centered. Because of this developmentally appropriate inability to focus on others along with a tendency to think that the world revolves around them, children often assume that when bad things happen, it’s their fault. It’s important to make sure that your kids know that your love for them and the other parent’s love for them will not change, just because you’re no longer living together. They should also be reminded that your decision to live separately has absolutely nothing to do with them. This is one thing my parents did right during their divorce, and I’m certain that it made a positive impact on me to know for sure that both of my parents still loved me no matter what and that I didn’t cause their problems.

3. Be kind to your spouse

OK, I know this one sounds like a tall order right now, this was one of the most traumatic aspects of my own parent’s divorce. They were furious with each other and they let me see it. I heard them yelling at each other over the phone. There were slammed doors. And the tension between them was palpable for YEARS. In fact, for most of my life I believed that while they both loved me, my parents hated each other. That was a difficult burden to bear, especially since they were my whole world at 5 years old.

So, if you’re able to maintain civility with your spouse, please do so. It’s OK to argue in front of the kids, but only if you make up in front of them too. It’s also OK to have lots of feelings about your spouse that you don’t share with your kids. But in order for children to feel safe and secure, it’s important to show them that even though you’ve chosen to live separately, you still respect each other, and you support one another’s right to have a good and healthy relationship with your children.

Obviously if there is sexual or physical abuse happening, this may not be possible. But even in cases of abuse, it’s important for children to be allowed to maintain some contact with their parent if that’s what they want. Every child is different and will process their experiences differently. In the case of abuse, rely on a therapist, social worker, or other healthcare professional to help you decide how much contact and what kind to allow.

This is something my parents did right. Even though they weren’t able to maintain a civil tone with each other, they did ensure that I got to see and have relationships with each of them and that was a huge gift. I am so incredibly grateful to have such a close relationship with each of my biological parents, even though neither of them are perfect and they both made mistakes.

So please do your best not to villainize your spouse to your children. No matter how tempting it might be to punish your spouse by keeping them away from your kids, remember that these types of actions will ultimately harm your children much more than they will teach your spouse a lesson.

4. Talk about their feelings

Providing emotional support for your kids is one of your most important jobs as you navigate your separation. They may not be ready to talk about their feelings about the separation in particular, but even so, you can talk about their feelings about all sorts of other things. Kids may not even realize that their upset about a situation at school could actually be related to their upset about your separation, and that’s perfectly OK. The crucial piece is to make sure you’re talking about feelings regularly and helping your child make sense of their emotional world.

I highly recommend the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This book has helped me navigate many conflicts and has taught me how to respond with true empathy (it may not be what you think) as well as how to give myself empathy. These skills will help increase your child’s emotional intelligence which will make a huge positive impact for him throughout his life.

5. Get yourself some therapy

It’s super important to maintain your own health and wellbeing as much as possible during this stressful and challenging time. Therapy, coaching, or counseling is an absolute must for your emotional wellbeing as you navigate your separation and make decisions about how to proceed.

Self-care is the key to being able to be there for your kids right now. For some, that might look like extra baths with essential oils, late night phone calls with friends, or a weekend getaway. For others it’s getting to the gym regularly, eating healthier, or reading an inspiring book. Tune in to yourself and find several things you can do to support your own journey, so that you can be even more available to support your children during this transition.

6. One on one time with each child

This is a good practice, even when you’re not dealing with challenges. Kids need to know that they are important to you and one of the ways they know that they matter is when we set aside a specific time to spend with them, one on one. Turn off your phone and take your kiddo on a picnic, to a park, for some other activity, or just play together in the back yard. Give your child your full and undivided attention and do the things that make them feel cherished.

You may want to check out the book The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. Once you know what your child’s primary and secondary love languages are, you’ll be more likely to find effective ways to fill up their love tank.

Do make sure you’re actually enjoying the time together too though. If you’re miserable, your one on one time with your child will flop. So find an activity you’ll both enjoy. For bonus points, tell your child 5 things you love about them and why you’re grateful for them.

7. Never use your kids as a bargaining chip

This is the #1 biggest pitfall you face as you navigate your separation. If you threaten to take the kids, seek full custody, or infringe on your spouse’s parental rights even a little bit, you’re doing your kids a huge disservice. Instead, be an advocate for their relationship with your spouse. Even though you no longer choose to live together, you obviously both want what’s best for your kids. And the research is clear, relationships with multiple loving adults provide better outcomes for kids.

Do your best to separate your own feelings about your spouse from those of their beloved children. Try to find opportunities to support their continued connection. Agree on a schedule and then stick to it as closely as possible. Children need consistency and clarity to feel safe and secure. So if every Friday night is pizza night at Daddy’s house, they’re more likely to relax into the routine and adjust to the new normal.

8. Spend some time in nature

Time in nature reduces your blood pressure and cortisol levels and exposes you to microbes that can actually make you happier! Studies have shown that even just 10 minutes in nature can make a significant positive impact on your mood and stress hormone levels. So, if you’re feeling blue or not sure what to do, go outside!

Teaching kids to use time in nature to help them de-stress, get a bit of exercise, and enjoy the sights and smells of the natural world is setting them up for future success. Finding effective strategies to handle their big feelings will be a huge asset for them later in life.

9. If the kids show signs of distress, get them some therapy or a support group too

My parents tried to send me to therapy when they first divorced but the therapist said I was handling things well and didn’t need the extra help. Two years later when my parents were locked in a custody battle and I was having unexplained stomach aches every day, my dad’s girlfriend, who happened to be a social worker and would later become my step mom, recommended that I get some professional support.

I was missing my mom terribly and wasn’t coping well. So she recommended that my dad sign me up for some group therapy with some other kids who were experiencing a similar situation. It was enormously helpful to know that I wasn’t alone and to get to play games and talk about my situation openly with other kids, as well as an adult. It’s not the kind of thing we talked about on the playground at school.

So if your child is having regular emotional outbursts, crying daily, having unexplained physical symptoms, or seems disconnected from their feelings entirely, get some professional help for them. In my opinion, it is always worth the cost of therapy to help a kid through a difficult transition.

10. If you’re dating, save the introductions until after the divorce is final, and even then, tread very lightly

I’m going to be blunt here. Until your divorce is final, please DO NOT introduce your kids to your new fling. It can be extremely confusing for kids to meet someone as the “babysitter” or “friend” only to later discover that they are in fact your new romantic partner. Just don’t go there. Depending on your state’s divorce laws, this could also cause you a whole bunch of trouble as you negotiate your divorce.

In fact, even after a finalized divorce, please tread lightly in this area. Meeting a string of people you’re casually dating is not helpful for your children. Only introduce your kids to a new romantic interest if you’re getting serious and the kids have had some time to process the truth that their parents will not be getting back together.

Also, don’t watch The Parent Trap, or any other movie that could give your kids false hope about you getting back together. But do read books about separation and divorce and answer their questions as honestly as possible while keeping their development in mind.

I guess I had quite a bit to say on this topic! May your relationships with your children continue to grow and thrive, even as you navigate your separation from your spouse or partner.

Warmly, Shelly

 

 

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What Not to Say to Someone Who Has Experienced a Loss

It’s hard to know what to say to someone who is mourning a loss, but there are several things that we’d all very much appreciate if you’d remove from your “comforting words” list.

1)   “Well, it could be worse. At least you weren’t farther along, I have a friend/sister/cousin who…” (insert a story of horrific loss here)

I can’t tell you how many well meaning friends messed this one up, but I’m pretty sure that anyone who has experienced a loss is well aware of all the even worse things that could happen.

Trust me, when we discovered we had miscarried at 13 weeks, I thought a lot about everyone I know who had lost a child at any age. I thought about all the many things that could still go wrong, even when we tried again. I thought about genetic abnormalities, missing body parts, another miscarriage, or worse. In fact, I’m now 22 weeks pregnant, and I still check for blood every single time I use the bathroom.

It’s not like I needed any reminders that a future ultrasound could reveal problems or that stillbirth and SIDS are real. For a while I couldn’t stop thinking about the friends I know who have had second trimester miscarriages, or the mothers who have lost their live children in infancy, or early childhood. And then there are the parents spending the night in the hospital praying for the cancer to die and for their sweet child to survive. I thought about drunk drivers and airplane crashes, chemical spills, bombs, cancer, and my aging parents… all of it.

Maybe I tend to obsess over the negative, but I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. And when I’m already freaking out about how unfair life is, that is not a good time to tell me a story about something even worse. What I need in that moment is a reminder that I’ll get through this and that there are beautiful things to focus on too, when I’m ready.

2)   “I know exactly how you feel.”

Excuse me, but I’m a unique individual with my own fears, thoughts, and experiences. No matter how similar our situations might be, it’s practically impossible for you to know “exactly” how I feel. And even if it were possible, I think the sentiment you’re trying to get across here is, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Instead, by assuming you understand what I’m going through, you’re actually minimizing my experience and generalizing it to a whole group of other people who’ve gone through a “similar” loss.

Yes, it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone in my grief. But your loss is not equivalent to mine and pretending they’re the same doesn’t help me process my grief. What I’d really appreciate instead is if you could share your own personal story and then offer me empathy and understanding through curiosity and openness. Please listen to me, instead of telling me how I feel.

3)   “You’re feeling better now, right?”

Grief is a very personal process. You have no idea what baggage I might be carrying around from my past. Or what other losses I’ve suffered. And since each person process grief in their own way and over their own time period, there are really no rules about how long it should take. Rushing someone through the process (if that were even possible) is not helpful. Instead, just let me know that you’re there for me if I need to talk and suggest something we could do together. Also, please get comfortable with my tears. There’s nothing worse than mourning a loss with a person who is squeamish about a few tears.

4)   “I’m sure nothing like that will ever happen to you again.”

I’m sorry, but even you can’t predict the future. As much as this is meant to be reassuring, it just doesn’t ring true. We are all human and that means we’ll all have to experience some grief and loss in our lifetimes. We lose people we care about. That’s a part of life. It’s certainly not the fun part, but it is a necessary part. We form bonds and they are broken through a variety of circumstances.

I think that experiencing a loss can actually help us though. By recognizing how precious and fragile life can be, perhaps we can be more present and appreciative of the amazing lives we get to lead. Maybe we can actually stop to smell a flower, instead of rushing by as if we’ll have all the chances we’d ever want to smell that rose, or appreciate that sunset, or tell our loved ones how deeply we care about them.

5)   “I’m worried that something like that will happen to you again.”

Again, as true as this might be, it’s not something you need to share with the person who is going through the grieving process.  Talk to your other friends about your worries or concerns, but please allow me to slowly rebuild my trust in a benevolent universe, instead of burdening me with your concerns.

6)   “Call me if you need anything.”

This goes into it’s own special category with statements like, “What can I do to help?” and “Is there anything I can do?” The truth is, there’s nothing you can do to take away the pain I’m experiencing. Sure, I appreciate the thought, but asking me to reach out in the midst of my sorrow or requesting a list of actions you can take that will “make me feel better” is just more work for me. And right now, I can’t do any work. Sure, stop by with a hug or a gift or send me a sweet text or heartfelt message, but don’t ask me to devise a way for you to help. I’m pretty sure you can figure that out for yourself.

So what CAN you say to someone who is grieving?

Here are 6 wonderful things to say to someone who has experienced a loss:

1)   “I love you.”

2)   “Would you like a hug?”

3)   “It’s OK to cry…a LOT.”

4)   “I’m so sorry for your loss”

5)   “I’m bringing you take-out tonight, what do you want for dinner?”

6)   “I’m here for you. Do you want to talk about it?” (then, just listen with an open heart)

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8 Ways to Help Kids With Anger

Emotion regulation is one of the biggest challenges children face. Heck, emotion regulation is one of the biggest challenges anybody faces! So how can we help kids learn to feel, express, and experience their emotions in a healthy and productive way? Joy and happiness are easy to encourage and enjoy. But when kids feel frustrated and angry, it can be difficult to hold space for them and help them ease back into a regulated state without minimizing or squashing their emotional expression.

 

So here are my 8 ways to help your child with anger:

1)   Reflect—

“It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated…is that right?” or “It seems like you’re still upset about that, are you?” are great conversation openers. Instead of asking a young child how they’re feeling, try guessing his feelings and then check in to see if you’ve guessed correctly. This helps kids to more correctly identify their feelings when they’re in the midst of them since thinking of the right words can be difficult when we’re emotionally activated. But do be careful not to simply assume you know what’s going on. It’s important to check in and ask so that our kids know that we’re tuning in and curious, rather than forcing our own ideas about what’s going on upon them.

2)   Listen—

Instead of offering advice or suggestions, first, simply listen. Rather than asking questions or telling stories about how much you understand what they’re going through, just breathe, relax, and feel your heart as you get down on his level, make eye contact, and listen to your child.

3)   Empathize—

Focus on the feelings and their underlying needs. For instance, “Are you feeling frustrated because you need some space from your brother?” or “Are you feeling upset because you need my attention and I’ve been unavailable?” By noting the need underneath the feelings, you’re helping your child (and yourself!) to better understand what’s happening and how to help herself avoid a future incident.

For instance, when kids understand what they’re needing, they’re more likely to be able to ask for it! And when you are able to connect feelings to their underlying needs, you can help your child by prompting her to ask. “It sounds like you’re getting frustrated. What would help? A snack? Some time alone? How can you ask for what you’re wanting right now?”

4)   Hold space—

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give to someone with big feelings is to simply witness them and hold space for them while they express themselves. Of course you do need to make sure the expression is safe for you and your child, but many times, simply being there and relaxing your own body can be a wonderful grounding rod for a child who’s feeling out of control. You don’t need to say anything at all, but if you feel the need, something simple like, “I’m here,” “I hear you,” or “It’s OK to feel angry (sad, upset)” is best.

5)   Offer alternatives—

Hitting people is not OK, but if your child seems to desperately need to hit something, offering a healthy alternative can be incredibly helpful. Hitting a bed, couch, or pillow can be a good redirect for a child who has trouble controlling her body and lashes out at people. Ultimately, you want your child to be able to let go of her anger without needing to hit, but allowing her to hit an inanimate object can be a good interim step on the way toward a more advanced method of processing anger. The same goes for throwing, spitting, or any other unwanted behavior. By offering a healthy outlet, you can help your child learn self-control AND allow her to express her feelings through her body.

6)   Reconnect—

Many children who experience an explosion of anger have feelings about the outburst afterward. Sometimes they feel scared, ashamed, or worried about what happened. Reconnecting after an outburst is a great way to remind your child that you love him no matter what. It’s also a time when he’s ready to hear your reassurances that it’s OK to have big feelings and stories about how you feel angry sometimes too. Tune in to your child’s favorite way to reconnect, whether it’s snuggling, physical play, or some other cherished family ritual. Also remember to respect your child’s time frame as some kids need some alone time to process what happened before they’ll be ready to reconnect with you.

7)   Envision the future—

After the incident is over, talk with your child about how you might handle a future similar situation. During an upset, your child is unable to process any new information and will simply shut down further if you attempt to problem-solve or make suggestions about what to do differently next time.

But later, when the emotions have cooled, you can ask questions and offer ideas about how you can both handle the situation better next time. This helps kids get into the habit of envisioning a more appropriate way to deal with their upset. You might practice some breathing and relaxation techniques, or role-play a similar situation. Be sure to ask your child what she thinks would help and really listen to her suggestions. Children have an innate wisdom about how to help themselves.

8)   Model what you want—

This one might be the most difficult to implement, but it’s also the most important. Children get their cues about how to behave from us. So if we aren’t able to stop ourselves from exploding in anger, we can hardly blame them when they do the same thing. If you’ve noticed that you’re having your own “tantrums” then it’s time to do some self-empathy and begin to catch your upset, and address it BEFORE you’re yelling or breaking things.

You can apply all of the above keys to your own exploration of healthy anger release. And remember, it’s OK to feel angry, it’s how we behave when we’re angry that makes the biggest impact on our relationships. If you feel that your own anger gets out of control at times, I highly recommend seeking professional help. A therapist or life-coach can help you learn how to deal with your own anger in healthy ways and then you can model that for your kids.

One more note on this. Humans have an incredible ability to empathize with others that is helped by special neurons called “mirror neurons.” Simply put, these mirror neurons are activated by the emotions in the people around us and cause us to feel what others are feeling. What this means for your parenting is that the more at peace you are, the more peaceful your children will be, and the more activated you feel, the more upset they will get.

So, if you notice your child getting upset, first try to calm yourself down and then help your child. And trust that if you’re able to maintain your composure, your child will be more likely to regain his composure sooner too.

I know that a lot of these suggestions are easier said than done, but I trust that your efforts in emotion regulation for both yourself and your child will pay off big time. Please don’t hesitate to post comments with thoughts, questions, or other suggestions. I appreciate your participation here!

And have a great week, Shelly

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How to Hold Space for a Tantrum and Actually Enjoy Yourself

This morning we made it all the way to the car with everything we needed for the day but for some reason when I suggested that my daughter hand me her lunch box so that she could climb into the car, she freaked. After some tears and some pushing me away and something garbled that I couldn’t quite understand, I did get her to agree to let me lift her into the car seat (which she usually HATES) so that she could hold on to her lunch box the entire time. She cried for a while in the car on the way to school. It wasn’t a complete meltdown, but it reminded me how confusing it is when kids get upset and we don’t know why.

Their emotions are so big sometimes and it’s hard to understand exactly why they’re freaking out.

I think that tantrums are some of the most frustrating, upsetting, and confusing experiences we have with our kids. It’s mind boggling to see how out of control they can become over such seemingly meaningless stuff like whether or not they got to have one more bedtime story. Kids can work themselves up into a frenzy over things that appear to us to be completely mundane and innocuous.

Holding space for big feelings is something I’m passionate about, probably because I wanted someone to do the same for me as a kid. In fact, I love it when my husband, friends, and family members hold space for my big feelings now. It’s a huge gift to be invited to fully feel without being silenced, judged, or convinced out of my anger or sorrow. So I’ve developed five steps to holding space for a tantrum that will leave you feeling more peaceful and connected to your child at the end of a meltdown than you did before it began.

Step 1: Remember it’s not about the blue cup

The reasons for a tantrum can be a varied as the people having the tantrum are but remembering that tantrums are usually NOT about the purported upset and are actually often an excuse to release the tension of the day can help you to remain calm and centered as you hold space for your child.

Some common causes of tantrums are: over-tiredness, hunger, social conflict, and unmet needs for autonomy. Remembering these can help you reflect on how to avoid tantrums in the future, rather than remaining stuck in the confusion of trying to understand why your child (who by now you might suspect is insane) is having such an overreaction to the fact that she got the red cup instead of the blue cup. Yes, the color of the cup really does matter to her. AND she’s using this as an opportunity to release pent up emotions, which is ultimately a good thing.

Step 2: Breathe and relax

Easier said than done when faced with a raging or weeping young person. But when we can relax and breathe deeply during a tantrum, we’re effectively managing our own emotions and helping our kids to regulate too. Mirror neurons in our brains cause us to automatically match the emotional energy of the people near us, that’s probably why laughter is so contagious and why we cry at sad movies.

The good news is that we can use these neurons to our advantage by choosing to remain peaceful during a child’s outburst. Kids are naturally inclined to return to a regulated state if they’re near someone else who is feeling peaceful. So take this opportunity to practice the meditation of equanimity, simply being with what’s so without judging it or pushing it away.

Step 3: Don’t take it personally

This is a tricky one, especially if your child likes to scream things like, “I hate you!” during a tantrum. But if you can remember that your child’s upset is more about his unmet needs and less about you or your actions, you may be able to see that having big feelings is just a normal part of life and it’s not your fault that your child is having a meltdown.

When we can stop taking our children’s big feelings personally, we can begin to offer empathy and compassion without needing to backpedal on the boundaries we’ve just set.

“I hear that you’re really upset and I understand that it’s hard to hear no. I love you and it’s OK to cry as much as you need to.”

Step 4: Celebrate your child’s release

I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling tense a good cry feels great. I might not enjoy it during the crying (although sometimes I do) but I almost always feel MUCH better afterward. I like to imagine that the emotional system is similar to the digestive system. We take in stimulus, we use what we need for our wellbeing, and we’re left with waste products that need to be expelled. I see crying as one of those healthy waste products of our emotional system.

So the next time your child is having big feelings, try celebrating it. “Oh it feels so good to get that out of your body, huh?” By taking an attitude of celebration you’re doing two things, first you’re embracing your child just as he is, letting him know that you love him no matter what he’s feeling and second, you’re re-framing the experience as a positive one for both of you.

 It’s good to let our feelings out and share them with our loved ones.

Remember, this is the foundation you’re building so that your teenager will eventually come to you with her problems, rather than completely relying on her friends for advice.

Step 5: Connect

Some kids like snuggles after a big cry, others want to be left alone or just have their back patted, still others might enjoy sitting quietly and reading a book together. By learning what your child likes after a big release, you can offer it and reconnect lovingly with your little sweetheart.

I’ve noticed that when my daughter is really upset, there’s a part of her tantrum where she needs space, and then toward the end, she comes over to me for a snuggle. It’s such a sweet and tender time of connection for us. I just hold her, rub her back, and remind her that it’s OK to cry until she gets all of her tears out. When she’s done, we usually have some hugs and kisses and then figure out the next fun game we’ll play.

By connecting after a big emotional release, we’re letting our kids know that their big feelings are completely OK, and not anything to be ashamed of or to hide away. For me, this is also healing, since I was afraid to share my big feelings and often chose to stuff or suppress my emotional experience as a child and young adult.

This is how I manage my own emotional state while holding space for kids who are having big, uncontrolled emotions. I hope it works for you too and I would love to hear about your own methods and practices about how you deal with tantrums. Please share your wisdom with the rest of us!

And have a lovely week, Shelly

Photo Credit: DIONNA RAEDEKE

Want more tools and tips on how to handle big feelings? Check out my audio program: Perspectives on Feelings

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20 Easy Ways to Get Kids to Laugh Without Tickling

People have always known it and now science is beginning to prove that laughter really is the best medicine. After a good laugh we’re more relaxed, our blood vessels function better, we’ve released feel good hormones into our system, reduced our pain levels, boosted our immune system and even reduced blood sugar levels!

And that doesn’t even cover the psychological effects of laughter. People with a good sense of humor have been shown to recover from depression more quickly and they’re less likely to become depressed in the first place. There’s no question that laughter puts us in a better mood. So how can we help our kids release their pent up emotions through laughter?

Tickling is often the go-to method of getting young children to laugh. But when we’re tickling kids, they may or may not be enjoying it, and we have no way of telling whether they’re having fun or are upset. I can remember being tickled as a child and fearing that it would never end. I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t stop laughing, and I couldn’t even tell the person tickling me that I was no longer having fun.

That was until my mom came up with a way for me to control the tickling. We played a game in which I got to tell her when to start and when to stop tickling. And only then, did I feel safe during tickling.

So, if you typically resort to tickling to induce laughter in your child, I hope you’ll consider checking in to see whether it’s something they actually enjoy, and setting up a way for them to control the tickling.

And in case you’re wondering, there are tons of other ways to get young kids to laugh. And you don’t have to become an expert at comedy improv to do it (although it couldn’t hurt!).

Here are a few of my favorites:

1) Surprise them

2) Fall down

3) Put on a silly hat

4) Speak in a funny voice

5) Be forgetful

6) Run away from them

7) Chase after them

8) Pretend to “get” them

9) Use an accent

10) Pretend you’re the baby

11) Dance wildly

12) Pillow fight

13) Potty talk

14) Speak in gibberish

15) Mess up your hair

16) Knock something over

17) Pretend they’re getting into trouble “Don’t do that! Oh no! She did it again!”

18) Beg for something

19) Cling to them

20) Fake laugh or fake cry

The idea here is to make yourself the more vulnerable, forgetful, inept, and clumsy one and allow your child to take a position of power over you. This almost always results in peals of laughter, and don’t worry, kids know that this is a game and that you’re still ultimately in charge.

So, how will you invite and induce more laughter this week? My final tip? If you find something that works and makes your kid laugh, keep doing it!

I hope you’ll have a laughter filled week. Warm hugs, Shelly

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