Tag: Feelings

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4 Ways to Make Sure Kids Know You’re On Their Side

Kids have a different way of thinking about life and their experiences than we adults do. They have a tendency to blame themselves for other people’s behavior. And they often make up wildly inaccurate reasons for why things happen the way they do. That’s all perfectly normal and experience will eventually show them that they’re not responsible for their brother’s broken arm or for a huge snowstorm.

But sometimes it can be difficult for a child to distinguish between friend and foe from moment to moment, even in their own home. One minute we’re their hero because we let them have a special treat, then next, we’re the enemy who won’t allow them to go to the party, or draw on the walls, or run naked through the house.

And when a child thinks her parent is the enemy, the connection suffers and the child is less likely to cooperate in the future. That’s a huge reason why research has shown that punishment is actually counterproductive. Sure, it lessens the incidents of the offense when kids are in our presence, but overall, punishments teach kids to hide their actions, figure out ways not to get caught, and live a more secretive life.

If you want your kids to adhere to certain rules because they see the value of those rules, connection is the key and punishment is a losing strategy. So how can we be sure our children know that we’re on their side, even if we won’t let them do everything they want to do?

Here are four ways to be sure your kids know that you’re a team:

1)   Sit side by side

When we’re across from each other, we have a tendency to be more antagonistic, we often feel defensive, protective and fearful in this position, especially if the other person is larger, has more power, and is upset about something. Instead, try sitting side by side, which encourages teamwork and helps us feel like we’re working together to solve a problem.

2)   Help them win their argument

Help them win their argument—When a child is arguing his position it’s easy to produce a stronger argument or to simply say no. Instead, try helping your child to strengthen his argument. Give him insider tips to how to convince you to change your mind. And if it’s something you can wiggle on, allow your child to win the argument and convince you to change your mind. This gives kids a sense of power and accomplishment and it teaches them that you’re willing to work WITH them, rather than against them.

3)   Offer empathy

When your child is upset about something, don’t try to convince her out of her feelings, instead, reflect those feelings back to her so that she knows you understand. “Wow, you’re really upset about that. It sounds like you’re feeling sad right now, is that right?” When your child is having big feelings, avoid explaining your position, convincing her to feel differently, minimizing her feelings, or changing the subject. And make sure your child knows that it’s OK to feel the way she feels and that emotions are a normal and natural part of life.

4)   Explain the reason for the rules

If your child questions the rules, explain them to him. Do this only if your child is reasonably relaxed but is curious. “The reason we always hold hands when crossing the street is because there’s safety in numbers. If you fell down, I could help you up. And since I’m taller than you, people driving cars can see me more easily and they’re less likely to accidentally hit you. I want you to be safe, so that’s why we always hold hands when crossing the street.” Avoid pat phrases like, “because I said so” as they don’t give a child any additional information and they imply that you can arbitrarily set rules for no logical reason. From a child’s perspective this can seem much more like a dictatorship than a team.

By using these four strategies, you can help your child learn to trust that you’re on their side and that even when you’re enforcing rules that they don’t like, you’re doing it for the good of the family, and not just because you wan them to suffer.

I’m curious, have you used these strategies before? Do you think they’ve helped you maintain a closer connection to your child? Or are you struggling to resist the urge to punish your kids? I would love to hear about your experience. Please share your thoughts below.

And have a wonderful week!

Warmly, Shelly

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50 Ways to Share Your Love on Valentine’s Day and Every Day

I think Valentine’s Day gets a bad rap. My husband calls it a “Hallmark Holiday” but I still love Valentine’s Day because I’m all about the love. This may stem from the fact that I’m solidly a Type 2 in the Enneagram. I’m “The Helper” and based on my personality type, my primary motivation in life is to love and be loved.

If you don’t know about the Enneagram yet, definitely check it out. You will learn a TON about yourself and a lot about your loved ones too. My favorite Enneagram book is “Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery” by Riso and Hudson.

But even if I wasn’t a Type 2, I still think I’d enjoy Valentine’s Day because it’s the perfect excuse to share love and appreciation with everyone! Sure, I spread the love on other days too, but this is a holiday completely dedicated to love. What could be better?

So, whether you like the holiday or not, let’s all take the time to share our love and appreciation with the special people in our lives. Oh, and let’s not forget to also RECEIVE love and appreciation this week as well. Sharing love is a two way street and if we can’t receive as well as giving, then we’re stopping the flow of love.

What might it look like to give and receive some extra love this week? Well, it could take many different forms. If we use The Five Love Languages as a guide, we realize that we can give and receive love in all sorts of ways!

Here are the Five Love Languages (by Gary Chapman):

1)   Gifts

2)   Acts of Service

3)   Physical Touch

4)   Quality Time

5)   Words of Affirmation

And here’s a survey you can fill out online to see what your primary love language is.

There are countless ways to show someone you care.

So, here are 50 ways to show your loved ones how much you adore them off the top of my head and in no particular order:

1) A hug

2) A kiss

3) Snuggles

4) Say “I love you”

5) Read to them

6) Give loving eye contact

7) Fix something broken

8) Run an errand

9) Make a homemade card

10) Find a beautiful rock, shell, or feather to give

11) Go for a walk

12) Have a picnic together

13) Act our your love in pantomime

14) Share something you appreciate about them

15) Scrape off an icy windshield

16) Cook their favorite dinner

17) Send flowers

18) Call them

19) Skype them

20) Text them (FB message, IM, Email, etc.)

21) Write a note

22) Send a letter

23) Dance

24) Sing a song of love

25) Let them choose the activity

26) Brag about them to someone else

27) Make a collage for them

28) Hold hands

29) Give a massage

30) Wash their feet

31) Wink

32) Draw them a picture

33)  Make them a basket

34) Crochet or knit a scarf

35) Tell them how they’ve changed your life for the better

36) Blow bubbles

37) Give cash

38) Wash their car

39) Make a “welcome home” banner

40) Record a video

41) Brush their hair

42) Bake a special cake

43) Leave a gift on their doorstep

44) Tell a room full of people how you feel about them

45) Propose marriage

46) Clap extra loud after their performance

47) Introduce them to someone else you love

48) Say, “I adore you.”

49) Tell them about one of your favorite memories with them

50) Ask a question and pay attention to the answer

So, that should get you started, now you can choose something, anything, and do it TODAY to share your heart with the people you love.

And, I would love to continue this list. What would you add to it? Please leave a comment and let’s keep love alive!

Have a “lovely” week 😉

Hugs, Shelly

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How to Write an Effective Vision

So last week I shared my list of intentions for 2013 and I also shared that simply setting intentions is not enough to really make the changes you’re wanting. I recommended turning that list of intentions into a Vision with these qualities:

1)   Everything is stated in the positive (no exceptions).

2)   It is written in present tense, as if all of this is already true.

3)   It is a narrative and when you read it you truly FEEL how you will feel when you accomplish the goals within.

4)   You MUST share your vision with at least three people.

Now that you have your list of intentions, let me walk you through the process of creating a vision that will easily and effectively draw forth the results you’re wanting. I’m going to break down each of these parameters and then I’ll offer you an example of my own vision in process.

1)   Everything is stated in the positive (no exceptions).

This is crucially important since in my experience we get more of whatever we put our attention on. This is especially true when it comes to parenting. If I focus on my daughter’s whining and how annoying it is, voila! I get more whining. On the other hand, if I put my attention on an activity or behavior that I enjoy, again, I get more of it.

So, as you’re writing your vision, be sure to double and triple check it to make sure you’re saying things like “My daughter asks for what she needs before she’s in distress” instead of “My daughter never whines.” If you have any specific questions about this part, feel free to send me a message and I’ll let you know if I find anything that could be worded more positively.

2)   It is written in present tense, as if all of this is already true.

Again, I can’t overstate the importance of this rule when writing an effective vision. Statements like, “Someday I will learn to control myself and use a kind tone of voice.” will only serve to reinforce the fact that you’re not there yet.

Instead, try, “Whenever I feel irritated, I take a deep breath and remind myself that we are all just trying to meet our needs. Then I notice whether I can speak calmly or if I need a moment alone either to express my emotions in a healthy way or to step further into composure. My children support my intention to speak to them calmly, and remind me to take a break if they think I need one.”

3)   It is a narrative and when you read it you truly FEEL how you will feel when you accomplish the goals within.

The reason that writing a vision can be so effectives is because it creates a memory within us of how it feels to have accomplished these goals and to be living in this specific way. When we have a vague idea what we might want, we’re unlikely to get it. On the other hand, when we know exactly what it is we want to create, we figure out ways to go about manifesting that very thing. Your vision might be completely different from mine in content, but if you want it to be effective, just make sure that you feel the way you want to while you’re reading it. Whatever imagery, details, or people you need to include, go for it. It can be whatever you want it to be, and should actually be so awesome you almost can’t believe your “luck.”

Humans have a long and rich tradition of narration and story telling and I don’t think it’s just a lark or a distraction from reality. Rather, I see story telling as one of the most effective ways we have to make sense of our reality and to encode memories in helpful ways that allow us to continue to develop. Remembering every detail of our lives doesn’t work well, which is why memory doesn’t work that way. Remembering the parts of our lives that are important to us, the stories that are meaningful, or teach us a specific lesson, that’s where the juice is.

So when you’re writing your vision, be sure you enjoy reading it and that it has a clear storyline or the ability to transport you into the scene in the same way that a good movie or memorable novel can. If the narrative doesn’t move you, keep working on it or ask for help until you can come up with something that does.

4)   You MUST share your vision with at least three people.

Here’s where the rubber really meets the road. Now that you’ve created a narrative that really speaks to you, inspires you and excites you, you need to share it with other humans. Why? Because we don’t live in a vacuum. We are social creatures and guess what happens when you share your vision with a trusted friend or family member? You’re sharing something meaningful and vulnerable which means that your friends and family get to learn something more about who you are and what you want. But the magic really happens because you’re DECLARING your intentions. Essentially it’s the difference between secretly loving someone but being too fearful to tell them and actually shouting from the rooftops, “I LOVE KEVIN!!!”

You’re not just wishing or hoping for life to change in these important ways, you’re DOING something about it. You’re creating a new reality in your own mind, and then when you share your thoughts with others, they become more real. The same thing happens when you complain to your girlfriends. Your friends commiserate with you to make sure that your reality IS reality, whether good or bad. This is part of why it’s so important to stay positive, because we get more of whatever we focus on.

OK, so I promised you an example from my own vision. So here’s a part of a first draft…

First, here’s my original list of intentions:

1)   Help Julia learn to fall asleep on her own with little help from an adult

2)   Keep track of all expenditures and get spending under control

3)   Find new ways to save money and make wise long term financial decisions

4)   Double (at least) my income from 2012

5)   Lose 13 more pounds and continue to exercise regularly

6)   Create my first Awake Parent eCourse and launch it successfully

7)   Grow my list to 10,000 subscribers

8)   Take classes just for me (voice lessons, belly dancing etc.)

9)   Swim lessons for Julia

10)  Get pregnant???

Now, here’s my first attempt at a vision that encompasses them…

Wow, my life is so incredibly awesome! I am happily surprised at how much I enjoy money management now, in fact, I’ve just discovered yet another way to save money on household expenses and I am looking forward to my next appointment with my financial advisor like a kid with a cookie jar. It’s so much fun to see our retirement accounts growing and growing!

When I woke up this morning I couldn’t wait to head over to the gym for my usual hour-long work out. I love to sweat and read my novel. My work out time has really become the “me” time that nurtures and fulfills me. I’ll definitely be able to continue my cardio work-outs all the way through this pregnancy.

I am elated at how much money I’m bringing in this year. All of my money worries have been handled and now I get to have fun saving and planning for our future! I am so honored that my clients trust me to support them and their development and continue to be so incredibly generous and loyal. And I’m super excited that my first eCourse is such a big hit!

I have thousands of subscribers to my newsletter and my online business has built so much momentum that it continues to grow without additional effort on my part. I’m looking forward to hiring my first employee this year. But what really feels great about growing this business is all of the people and families I’m helping. I’m finally getting the word out about connection parenting, respect for young people, and effective gentle discipline that works. Hooray!

OK, so you get the idea. This is definitely not finished and it is NOT a final draft, but can you FEEL the excitement?! I think the last two paragraphs need the most work. I need to hone in on what most inspires me about this work and why I think it makes such a huge difference in the world. Now THAT will be an inspiring vision to step into!

So, I hope this article was helpful and if you have any questions or want to share your vision with us, feel free to add it to the comments.

Have a fabulous week! Love, Shelly

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Talking with Children About Death

Photo by Kat Caldera

My aunt died yesterday. I haven’t seen her in years but it still feels like a sock in the gut to realize that I’ll never hug her or talk to her again. She was such a fun and vibrant woman. Her death was unexpected and quite shocking to the whole family. My heart goes out to my uncle, cousins, and especially to her only granddaughter.

Death is such a strange part of life. The antithesis of life really, and also a great reason to savor every moment of life. We never know how many or how few moments we might have with our loved ones, so we’ve got to make every one count. In the case of a death within our inner circle of family or friends, we are forced to figure out a way to talk with children about this challenging topic.

In an ideal world, I would like to think that we can talk about death in the same straightforward way we talk about all sorts of things with our kids. But for most of us, death can bring up such dark and scary feelings that we have a tendency to tiptoe around it or offer confusing stories and explanations based on our spiritual beliefs.

I’ve decided not to wait until someone close to us dies to talk with my daughter about death. Instead, I use every opportunity to discuss death and dying and I try my best to be real and honest about it. Lately she’s been really into dinosaurs, which has led to a lot of conversation about death and extinction.

When we go to the High Desert Museum she’s fascinated with the stuffed displays and often asks, “Is it real or dead?” I usually ask her to tell me what she thinks. Death is a difficult concept for children to understand. The finality of it is elusive, the sadness adults experience around death is baffling, and because young kids are still working on forming their primary attachments, many of them have not yet experienced the pain of loss. And that’s OK. Personally, I’d like to put that experience off for as long as possible.

Unfortunately, it’s not up to us to decide when or how tragedy might strike. And if we’ve never even broached the subject of death with our children before, it can be even more difficult to initiate the conversation when we’re mourning.

I recommend introducing the concepts of death and dying in casual conversation and then waiting to see if your child has follow-up questions. The more centered and grounded we can be as we talk about death, the better, but if you find yourself feeling emotional as you talk with your child, just share your feelings honestly. “I’m feeling sad right now because I miss Grandma.”

One thing to watch out for when talking with children about death is the sleeping metaphor. Children take things very literally and don’t understand metaphor, so telling a young child that, “Spot is sleeping and won’t wake up anymore” can be terrifying for them. I’ve heard stories of children fighting sleep and waking with nightmares, because they’re fearful that they might never wake up. It’s better to avoid any connection between sleep and death until children are around 10-12 years old.

Personally, I also avoid talking about “heaven” or other spiritual aspects of death until children are curious or ask direct questions like, “What happens to us after we die?” And then I try to offer as unbiased an explanation as possible. “Well, our bodies rot away and nobody knows for sure what happens to the rest of us. Some people think we go to a place called ‘heaven’, what do you think?”

If a child directly asks me what I believe, I’m happy to share my thoughts and beliefs, but I would rather encourage them to come up with their own ideas about what might happen after our bodies die. If we wait until children initiate these deeper conversations about death, they often won’t happen until children are around 8-10 years old and for some, as late as the teen years.

I do think it’s best to decide with your partner how the two of you want to approach this topic with your children. Whether you agree on an afterlife or not, when you’re on the same page and give similar answers to your child’s questions, your kids will feel reassured that his parents have given the same information on the subject. On the other hand, if you introduce the concept of a soul and heaven and your husband is an atheist, you might have more explaining to do than you bargained for. Then again, what a great opportunity to discuss your own beliefs further!

So, I’m curious, have you talked with your child or children about death yet? What did you say? How did they respond? Is there anything I forgot to mention that you’d like to share with the other parents here?

I hope you’re having a nice week. Warm hugs, Shelly

More resources including a list of picture books about death: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001909.htm

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Three Keys to Transforming Whining

Photo by Suzette Hibble www.thebayareaphotographer.com

Oh boy, my daughter was sick with a week-long stomach flu, and as a result, whining has emerged. Here we go on the whining toddler ride! I find whining to be one of the most annoying and challenging things young children do to express their needs. Tantrums are easier for me than whining. That’s probably because I’ve done so much whining myself! In fact, if I’m really honest, I STILL whine when I’m exceptionally tired, sick, or otherwise infirmed.

Despite my own whining, I do know how to help a child stop whining! There are three keys to transforming whining. The first is changing the way we perceive the whiner. When we have thoughts like, “She is just doing this to manipulate me,” or “He ALWAYS does this in front of my friends, he must be trying to embarrass me,” we behave toward our children as if our thoughts are true.

The trick is to transform our thoughts to create a situation in which we have space and empathy for the smaller people in our lives, rather than resentment toward them. When we blame children for our own uncomfortable feelings, no one wins. However, when we can learn to identify the internal root causes of our own feelings, we no longer need to pin the blame on a whining child. Instead we can realize, “I’m feeling exhausted right now and THAT is why I’m so annoyed. My child is only trying to meet her needs and she’s doing her best to communicate with me.”

The second key is to offer your child some heartfelt empathy. Empathy is like your parenting super-power! You’ll be shocked at how a little bit of true empathy can completely change the situation and the behavior and affect of your child.

Sometimes all it takes is a simple statement like, “Huh, it seems like you’re feeling sad right now, is that true?” At other times it might just be eye contact and a hug. And at still other times you might speak for your child about his emotions, “You’re feeling really mad about that! Grrrr! That is NOT okay with you, is it?” It can even be something as simple as joining your child in her tirade of “No, no, no, no, no, no!” The real key here is to FEEL empathy for your child. If you’re just using empathy as a way to get a child to stop whining, they will sense that and it won’t work.

The third key is to model the tone of voice and wording that we’d most like to hear from our kids. “Wow sweetie, I can tell you’re really upset and frustrated right now, but when you talk in a whiney voice, it bothers me and then I don’t want to help you. So let’s figure out a way you can ask that I WILL want to help. How about, ‘Mommy, may I please have a snack?’ and then I’ll say, ‘Sure!’ Want to try it right now?”

By sharing my own feelings and working with her to help her successfully argue her point, she knows that I’m on her side and I really do want to help. And, by inviting her to try a new strategy right then, I’m offering her an opportunity to be successful. However, watch out for a desire to push a child to share or try something they’re not interested in. If my daughter says no, I simply speak both sides of the conversation for her and then give her the snack she was whining for. It isn’t important to me that she actually repeat what I’ve said…yet. When she’s closer to five years old, I will definitely require that she ask in a more palatable tone of voice. But for now (she’s not even two years old yet) I’m just laying the foundation and showing her what works for me.

Depending on how you’ve communicated with your child about whining in the past, you may have some clean-up to do or some repetition to make your way through before your child will be willing to try “the new way.”

I use modeling for all sorts of things with my daughter, but as a preschool teacher I found it so effective at transforming whining that it’s my #1 favorite strategy for turning a whine into a respectful request.

How do you deal with whining at your house? I would love to add your strategies to my arsenal! Please share a story or strategy in the comments below. Thanks!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

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