Did you know it could actually be beneficial to kids to see their parents fight? Well, it’s not actually the fighting itself that is beneficial, but if children witness their parents having an argument and then resolving the conflict, they are just as happy as they would be watching their parents have a friendly discussion!
I know, I’m just as shocked as you are. I bought into all that stuff about not letting the kids see you fight, just like everyone else. But the problem with taking your argument into the other room is that children are left knowing their parents are upset, but they have no idea how the situation was resolved. On the other hand, if they can witness the conflict AND it’s resolution, children are learning how to resolve conflicts, which is a pretty important skill for everyone.
Now I don’t mean to suggest that it’s good for kids to watch a conflict go unresolved. Children derive their sense of emotional security from the relationship between their parents (or the relationships between their primary caregivers). In fact, in “Nurture Shock” by Po Bronson, I read of a study by Dr. E. Mark Cummings from Notre Dame, in which he showed that the quality of the parents’ relationship had even MORE of an impact on the child than the direct relationship between parent and child! So when there’s tension in the air, you can be assured, they feel it. And it bothers them. And it isn’t good for them.
But the truth of the matter is that married couples typically have anywhere between 2 and 8 conflicts every single day. Granted, some of them are large and some are small, but clearly, kids are being exposed to these conflicts even with our best efforts to shield them from our arguments.
Instead of wasting precious energy keeping our kids away from our conflicts, let’s learn to consistently resolve them peacefully, so that our children can learn much needed conflict resolution skills and we can relax and live our lives WITH our kids, rather than attempting to hide our arguments from them. Studies are showing that arguments can actually get quite heated, and as long as they are resolved, children are happy, calm, and well adjusted.
So, how are your conflict resolution skills? A little rusty perhaps? If so, I highly recommend “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg. The NVC skill set has completely changed my experience of conflict.
I used to be terrified of upsetting anyone and walked on eggshells around my more firey and expressive friends and family members, but now I see a conflict as an opportunity to get closer to my loved ones. By checking in about what has upset someone, I get to know them even better than I did before!
As with any technique or model, even NVC can be used violently, so if you do learn and practice it, be sure to check in with yourself about what your intentions are in every interaction. But if you genuinely want to reconnect after an argument, NVC is one of my favorite tools.
The one other thing that has made the biggest difference for me in my ability to reconnect and resolve conflict is willingness to be vulnerable and share what’s on my heart. I think any two people can reconnect if they’re willing to feel their hearts and share what’s happening for them in a responsible way (read no blaming or shaming).
So, have you had any big (or small) arguments lately and then resolved them in front of your kids? If so, I would love to hear all about it! Please leave me a comment.
And have a Happy Thanksgiving! Warm hugs, Shelly