Frustration – Page 2 – Awake Parent

November 2, 2011March 19, 2012

I Need a Do Over

My day today totally sucked. I worked hard all day but didn’t accomplish much of anything. I felt sad and grumpy for most of the day and I missed my daughter even though she was within ear shot all day long. I need a do over.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just rewind our lives and have a do over whenever we wanted? That’s one thing I appreciate about spending time with kids. Children are almost always up for granting us a do over. Most haven’t yet developed the ability to hold a grudge. And even if they have, they’re often incredibly forgiving. It’s just one more lesson we can learn from the kids in our lives.

Yesterday I accidentally bonked my daughter in the nose as I was climbing into bed with her. She started to cry and said “Bonk” through her tears. But then she reached out to me for comfort. I apologized, we hugged, and it was as if the incident never happened. In a way, she let me rewind and have a do over. I was so grateful.

My husband and I sometimes give one another do-overs too. I’ve been known to say, “Oops, that’s not what I meant to say, can I rewind please?” He is often amazingly willing to forget the first statement and listen to the second. This is a skill that requires a conscious effort to develop.

At least for me, it is often much easier to latch on to the thing my husband said that upsets me, rather than paying attention to the five things he said that were uplifting. Do you do the same thing?

Luckily, he points it out to me when I’m overly focused on the negative. And usually I’m able to let things go. But it wasn’t always this way for me. I’ve held my share of grudges, that’s for sure. And when I think back to how it felt to hold that anger and frustration in my body, it felt really crappy. I really do think it’s true that holding a grudge hurts us more than it hurts the person we’re angry with.

So I’m curious, are there any grudges that you’re willing to let go of this week? Can you give your friend or loved one a do-over? And if you’re not ready yet, what will it take for you to be able to let it go?

Watch out for the tendency to require that the other person do something differently in order to earn your forgiveness. The reality is that we can only change ourselves and our thoughts, never another person.

However, when I’ve been able to let go of my grudges and forgive my loved ones, I’ve been amazed at how differently they showed up afterward. The very person I thought was incapable of deep emotional connection actually invited ME to go deeper. And the one I thought was cold and uncaring became so soft and sweet.

Somehow by accepting people just as they are, we activate such a pure state of love that the other person naturally gravitates toward our ideal vision of them. Or maybe not, but that’s how I like to look at it. 🙂

Are there things you can love and accept about your children that will allow them to show up differently for you? Let’s all give our kids, spouses, friends and family a do over this week. Together we can change a sucky day into a lovely one.

Thanks for sharing the journey with me, Shelly

September 14, 2011March 8, 2012

Playing with power

Well, it has happened. My sweet baby is already becoming a willful toddler. The past week or so has been filled with frustrating moments for her and for anyone near her. She has begun to whine. She is clinging to us like she thinks we’ll disappear if we’re out of her sight. And of course, she’s also starting to walk.

Learning to walk and talk are HUGE developmental milestones for a baby and with the new development comes an equally big emotional response. Tears and frustration abound as we humans learn new skills and reach new levels of development. And it’s not just babies who experience the emotional ride of learning new skills. Children and adults of all ages have the same big feelings. When we reach a goal, there’s often a big emotional high and an accompanying let down.

So, what do we do with those feelings of sadness and anger that go along with new accomplishments? We can try to ignore them or shove them aside, but that sure hasn’t been working at our house. I’d rather embrace the feelings and provide a safe space for my daughter to fully express all that she’s going through.

Amazingly, just last week, my little one learned how to roar like a lion and wow, it’s a really ferocious roar! So my mom and I began to play a game with her where we pretend to be frightened by her roar. She LOVES it! It’s really one of the first times I’ve seen her expressing and enjoying her power, she completely lights up. She roars again and again while we cower in mock fear. “Oh no! Don’t eat me! I’m so scared,” can be heard often at our house these days. Here’s a short video of the game:

Then last night it was bedtime. And you guessed it, she didn’t want to go to bed. I could tell she was getting agitated and she started to test my husband by hitting him. She knows that hitting people isn’t allowed, but she wasn’t sure how else to express the anger and frustration bubbling up inside her.

So I redirected her hitting to the stuffed animals on her bed. Before we knew it, my husband, daughter, and I were all throwing and hitting and jumping on the stuffed animals yelling, “Take that!” and “Aaarrgghh!” We all had a blast and each of us got an opportunity to express any unexpressed anger or frustration. I can’t even tell you how satisfying it was to slam that pink elephant into the wall. It was truly liberating. The best part was that after the anger release, she was tired and ready to wind down to sleep.

So the next time anyone at your house is whining or getting agitated, try playing a power game. Sometimes, just having an appropriate outlet for anger, frustration, or powerlessness is all a child really needs. And when offered a healthy way to release those feelings, kids can easily return to their usual kind and cooperative selves.

Wish me luck with the rest of toddler-hood, I have a feeling I’m going to need it!

Have a great week, Shelly

January 20, 2011January 20, 2011

What we can learn from Chinese mothers

Have you heard about the new book out that purports that Chinese mothers are better than western mothers? I haven’t read the book, but I did read an article about it and I was horrified to say the least. In the article I read there was a story of the author berating, cajoling, threatening, and punishing her child in order to get her to learn a piano piece. The child did in fact master the piece, so the author says that her parenting was effective. I disagree. I think it’s wonderful that her child overcame a challenge and learned a difficult piano piece, but I disagree with HOW the mother went about the lesson. I don’t think it’s ever OK to mock your child or call him names, even if your intent is to motivate.

But there was something in the article that I did agree with. The author said that overcoming a challenge provides a boost in confidence for young people. I agree entirely. She also wrote about the fact that Chinese mothers are willing to spend hours and hours tutoring, drilling, and helping their children with challenging lessons. And I began to wonder, are we western mothers willing to do the same? Would I sit down with my daughter for as long as it took her to learn her multiplication tables? To be perfectly honest, I had to answer “maybe.”

As I considered the subject further I realized that I do know lots of parents who I think rely too heavily on computers and television to teach their children. What if we were to take our American ingenuity and work ethic and apply it to the job of teaching our kids?

Your challenge this week is to get down in the trenches with your child and really support him in the skill or ability he’s most struggling with. Continue reading “What we can learn from Chinese mothers”

October 6, 2010October 6, 2010

Three ways to stop yelling and still be heard

Although we’re all aware, caring, conscious parents, you know as well as I do that there are times when we lose control and we find ourselves saying the very words we swore we’d never say to our kids. I’m sure there have even been times when you *gasp* yelled at your kids. So, what can you do instead of yelling when you want to be heard and your little ones seem completely oblivious to your existence? I’ve got three great strategies, new things you can do in moments when you’re about to yell or scream. So, try these and let me know how it goes!

Strategy #1 Whisper

I know it’s counter-intuitive, but it’s also like using reverse psychology. When you walk up and whisper in your child’s ear, they will be compelled to listen and become quiet themselves (so they can hear you). I’ve been shocked by how well this has worked in the classroom and in a house full of kids. I think it’s because Continue reading “Three ways to stop yelling and still be heard”

September 1, 2010July 29, 2010

Guest Blog: When we hate our kids

frustrated-parent This week’s guest blog is by Kheyala:

“Who, me?”

Right. Whoever would have the nerve to admit such a thing? Yet, if we deny our own experience of inner rage or hatred, if we repress it… then guess what? It comes out anyway. And it comes out as the unmistakable (especially to our children), hateful undercurrent of whatever we say or do in that moment. It’s as if we’d told them that we hated them directly, only it’s far more confusing.

Thankfully, there is another way. It’s called compassion. For them? No, not yet. For us. You see, the truth is that we don’t ever really hate our kids. What we are hating is what it’s like to be us in that moment when our children inadvertently step on the inner landmines of our own unfinished business. What I’m referring to by “unfinished business” is all that subconscious material: the old wounds, traumas, and other “little lovelies” that our body/minds never forgot but that hadn’t yet had such a magnificent opportunity to reveal and, with enough consciousness, to free.

Herein again lies the beauty of our children. In being raised with grace, they give us chances every single day to heal what could not have been birthed in any other way. We get to be for our children essentially what nobody was able to be for us. Thereby we heal both generations at once.

It’s a marvel to behold, yet it’s certainly no walk for the timid. It takes great strength and courage to stop perpetuating the incredible emotional and biological momentum from many previous centuries of darkness.

I heard a story once about a Zen master who stops his sword right at the height of its arc, right at the most climactic point of the swing, just one instant before the blade is about to come down and slice through his enemy’s throat. This is exactly what is required of the awake parent. “I am Awake! I will no longer contribute to any kind of suffering!” And believe me, there is no worse kind of suffering than that which comes from causing harm to our children. It is indeed a sword that cuts deep in both directions. Continue reading “Guest Blog: When we hate our kids”