Frustration – Page 3 – Awake Parent

July 7, 2010

Creating the emotional state you want, it’s easier than you might think!

eva_summersault Today I want to share something I learned from NLP (otherwise known as neuro-linguistic programming) called a “state change”. We’re always in some sort of emotional state, whether happy, sad, excited, or frustrated. And often it feels like we’re at the whim of our emotions. When I’m frustrated it seems like there is no way to transform the frustration into something else. But there is! We can consciously create a “state change” in ourselves and often in others, pretty much any time we want!

Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it? Well, I assure you, I’ve used this technique countless times with kids and with myself and it really works! But, how does it work? Well, here’s the thing, the body and the emotions are directly linked to each other. When we feel sad, we look down, hunch our shoulders, pout and stay still. On the other hand, when we feel happy and excited, we throw our shoulders back, look up, smile and move our bodies!

The trick is realizing that the conversation between the body and the emotions is a two way street. Not only does our body reflect how we’re feeling, but our feelings reflect how we’re holding our bodies!

Try this the next time you’re feeling down. Find a brightly lit room, look up at the ceiling, smile your biggest smile and think about something you love. Now how do you feel? It’s almost impossible to continue feeling sad when your shoulders are back, you’re looking up, smiling and thinking of something you love or enjoy! You can try the opposite too (although it’s less fun).

Sometime when you’re feeling great, try hunching your shoulders, looking down at the ground, and thinking about something really sad. You’ll almost immediately start to feel sadness.

So, how can you use this two way street to your advantage? You can actually tell your emotions what to feel by holding your body in a certain way! Continue reading “Creating the emotional state you want, it’s easier than you might think!”

June 9, 2010

Creating the culture of your home

kids_small It seems like just about the time we feel we’ve given all we can and we need some “me time” kids suddenly need even more from us. We can become frustrated and resentful and begin to give out of obligation or guilt, rather than giving from true generosity. If that’s what’s happening for you, my invitation for this week is to take a break, stop giving for a moment, and reset.

See, the adults in the household are the ones who create the culture of the home, and if you’re spewing out frustration, resentment, and irritation, then pretty soon, you’ll start to see those same sentiments emanating from your kids.

On the other hand, if you can take a step back for a moment and really consider what kind of culture you WANT to have in your home, you can absolutely create that for yourself and your family. With a little bit of foresight a strong commitment to consistency, you can have the kind of cooperation, kindness, care and generosity you most want to permeate your family.

But here’s the trick, YOU have to model for your kids exactly who and how you want them to be. Here are some steps to get you headed in the right direction:

Step 1- Take care of your self. Are there ways in which you’ve been neglecting yourself? Are you getting enough rest, nourishment, exercise, and alone time? If not, brainstorm with a friend or partner about what you can do differently so that you can take better care of yourself. When you’re well rested, nourished, and feeling great, you’re much more likely to be the example you want to be for your kids. Continue reading “Creating the culture of your home”

May 5, 2010November 11, 2012

Laughter, the perfect antidote for a power struggle.

fal048 We’ve all been there, it’s time to leave, your child wants to stay and continue to play, you’re tired and ready to go, a conflict is brewing. How we handle these difficult moments can be the difference between a fantastic day and a really rough one. And really, either one is available to us in a given moment, we just have to be able to access enough creativity to create the fun, laughter filled connection we’re wanting, rather than falling into a negativity trap.

I know, you’re thinking, but wait, when I’m tired and grumpy, the LAST thing I am is creative. Well, that’s where I come in. I can offer you some fun strategies to create more laughter and connection and all you have to do is remember to use them when the time comes. Sound good?

So here we go, five ways to turn a potential power struggle into a fun, connecting experience for you and your kids.

1) Turn it into a game– Any time you feel yourself wanting to exert your will, try turning it into a game instead. Rather than threatening dire consequences, or complaining about how your kids don’t listen, figure out what kind of game you could all play that would get the job done and be fun for them. Hopping like a bunny to get to the car, strapping on your rocket booster shoes, or finding the keys in a scavenger hunt are all more fun that a grumpy parent frowning and grumbling. And who knows, if you practice this one enough, you might even find YOURSELF having more fun and laughter as you move through your day with your kids.

2) Go for the giggle– What do your kids find hilarious? Is it peek-a-boo, funny hats, new accents, or physical humor like bumping into things or falling down? It could be burps and farts or backwards clothing. But whatever it is that sends your little ones into peels of laughter, do more of it! Laugher is a wonderful way to connect and release pent up emotions. Use it to your advantage whenever you feel a power struggle coming on. After a good laugh, everyone’s more willing to cooperate. Continue reading “Laughter, the perfect antidote for a power struggle.”

March 25, 2010March 25, 2010

Giving kids power helps them cooperate

kid_power4 If you’re noticing that your kids are having a difficult time cooperating or listening or generally following your lead, first let me remind you, you’re not alone. Lots of parents go through this difficulty every day. I know it can be super frustrating when you’re just trying to get things done, or get to the store, or follow the rules, and your child is fighting you every step of the way.

One way to encourage cooperation from kids is to designate some time each week (or day) where they get to be in charge. Somehow by allowing kids to take the lead for even 10 minutes a day, you’ll find that they’re much more willing to allow you to take the lead for the rest of the time. There are several ways you can do this.

First, let your child know that for the next 10 minutes, they get to be in charge, they’re the boss, the parent, or the king or queen of your home. Tell them that as long as the activities they choose are safe, you’ll follow their lead.

You can try playing follow the leader and allow the youngest child in your household to be the leader. Follow along as if you’re completely entranced by the activities your child is doing and encourage any other siblings to play too. You’ll be amazed at what a difference it can make in the life of a young child when they get this time to be in charge, tell people what to do, and watch them do the silly things they’ve thought up.

If you think about it, young people get so little of this kind of play time, they’re starving for some king or queen time. Kids are constantly told where to be, what to wear, how to act, and to “hurry up”. Imagine how good it feels to them when they get to be the ones in charge, bossing us around for a change. They love it!

For more games you can play that your kids will love and that will encourage their sense of power and control over their lives Continue reading “Giving kids power helps them cooperate”

December 8, 2009March 3, 2012

The beautiful urge to bite and what to do about it

Young people are discovering their world and constantly coming up with strategies to meet their needs. Sometimes these strategies cause pain and upset in others and are experienced as destructive.

The most common examples of destructive behaviors in 1-5 year olds are hitting and biting. Older kids often use their words to destructive means. And teenagers do all sorts of behaviors that we adults see as destructive and dangerous. But what if we were able to see the beautiful needs behind these behaviors and redirect kids in a way that helps everyone experience more peace and joy?

Redirection is a wonderful tool that will help you help your child. When we can offer another option that’s less destructive, kids will often gladly take our suggestions. After all, they’re usually not trying to hurt others, they’re just trying to meet their own needs.

When I was a nanny one of my charges began to bite his brother, other kids at the park, and even me and his mom. Ouch! I’ve heard all sorts of stories about what to do with a kid who’s biting from ignore it to bite him back. But I knew that biting a baby or young child was not going to work for me. I would certainly feel sad and guilty if I were to retaliate against such a young child (or any child for that matter). And ignoring a destructive behavior can just help it grow and become ingrained. So we tried another strategy–redirection.

First, we began to watch him closely and after some observation we discovered that there was a look in his eye just before he tried to bite. Next, we tried to understand what need he was trying to meet and we determined that when he needed space, he bit. He would usually try to bite in a situation when he was in a confined space, had another child touching his body, or when another child took the toy he was playing with.

So for starters, we tried to anticipate any situations that were likely to result in his desire to bite and diffuse the situation before he even got the idea. But we weren’t perfect, and sometimes he still got the look in his eye, opened his mouth, and tried to bite someone. We acted swiftly, removed him from the person he was about to bite and REDIRECTED his aggression toward his blanket. “It’s not OK to bite people, but if you need to bite, you can bite your blanket.” After a few weeks, “John” began to go and get his blanket whenever he had the urge to bite!

If you think about it, the urge to bite has helped us out immensely when it comes to eating. If we didn’t have a need to bite, we might never have discovered some of the delicious foods we eat today. So, ultimately, biting is a beautiful need, it just sometimes gets generalized to people and things that aren’t safe for biting.

A friend recently shared that her young son had begun to bite his bed frame and was damaging his bed and eating wood! She decided to redirect her son’s behavior so they found a heavy plastic fork and deemed it his “special biting fork”. Now when he has the urge to bite he asks his mom for his special biting fork, then he gnaws on it for a few minutes and hands it back to mom. I was talking to his mom on the phone the other day when he said, “Mom, can I please have my special biting fork?” and I found myself grinning from ear to ear. I’m so happy that he gets to bite something that’s safe for him!

There are lots of other behaviors that can be redirected into more constructive choices for kids. What have you tried? Which redirections have worked for you? I’d love to hear about your experiences with redirection. Thanks for being here!