Tag: Gratitude

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Gratitude for YOU

To all my childless friends, thank you for being true to yourself. Thank you for being auntie to my kids. Thank you for reaching out and taking me to lunch or to tea so I can remember what it’s like to just be with women. Thank you for not judging me and my decision to have children. Thank you.

And to my friends who are currently childless but not by choice, thank you for your bravery. Thank you for trying and hoping and praying and accepting and grieving and through it all, still loving. Thank you for going through a fertility journey that I cannot fathom. Thank you for adopting. Thank you for waiting until you’ve met a partner that wants to go on the journey of parenthood with you, or not! Most of all, thank you for being my friend, even when it’s hard or you’re envious of what might seem like my “perfect” and “easy” life.

And to my single parent friends, thank you for reminding me how easy my life actually is, even when I feel like I couldn’t possibly cuddle, hold, or bathe another body, let alone fix another sandwich. Thank you for being Super Woman or Superman. Thank you for still texting and calling, even though I have absolutely no idea how incredibly busy your life is. And thank you for sharing your humanity with me. I am humbled and honored to know you.

And to all the dads out there, thank you. Thank you for being involved in your child’s life. Thank you for stepping up and providing for your kids financially. Thank you for every time you’ve roughhoused or run, or played a game. Thank you for teaching your son how to be a strong and vulnerable man. Thank you for protecting your daughters. Thank you for every single tear and every frustrated roar. Thank you for being you.

And to my friends who feed formula, use disposable diapers, have a house filled with plastic contraptions for your baby, or send your kids to daycare, I’m sorry. I’ve judged you and thought I was right. I’ve tried to urge you toward my own beliefs or practices. And now that I have a second child, I get it. Now that I’m working outside the home and juggling two kids, I understand that I was speaking from a place of ease and privilege. And I’m sorry.

Now I’m not saying that I won’t judge you again, or that I don’t hold on to some of my beliefs more strongly than others. But if that judgment or urging has hurt you or driven you away, I’m sincerely sorry for that. And just so you know, I am using disposables with my second child. There, I’ve admitted it. Please don’t bite my head off.

Yes it’s MUCH more expensive and… it takes less time. And right now as I juggle multiple jobs, motherhood, and starting a Montessori charter school, I need every second I can squeeze out of my day. I will pay extra for disposables that are plant based, because I can’t put a diaper on my child without knowing what’s inside it. But if you use a major brand of disposable diapers, I get it. You do what you can. It’s not worth fighting over. Let’s celebrate one another instead of judging so much.

What I most want is a world where our diversity is celebrated, rather than divisive. I want a world where we can all support one another, even when we disagree. No, I wouldn’t circumcise my child, and I do believe it’s a child’s right to choose whether he wants to be circumcised. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be your friend, just because you chose differently than I did.

Instead of making each other wrong, or thinking that everyone should choose the exact same life we’ve chosen, let’s appreciate each person’s individuality. Everyone has a path to walk, and we can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be in someone else’s reality. So instead of getting irate, let’s get compassionate. Instead of rolling our eyes and thinking, “How could they do that?!” let’s take a deep breath and remember, I would probably have chosen the same thing if I were in their shoes.

There’s one more group of people that I desperately want to acknowledge here. To the people of color in my world, I have no words. I’m sad and ashamed at how you’ve been treated throughout history, and especially how you’re still treated in “modern” society. I’m sorry that you can’t walk down the street safely or feel safe when a police officer approaches you. I’m sorry that people in stores watch to make sure you’re not stealing, even though I have probably shoplifted far more than you have (yes, I was young and dumb and I got away with it).

I want you to know that I appreciate your strength, but I wish you didn’t have to be so strong. I am so proud that we have our first black president, but so sad that it won’t erase racism in our country. When I look at you, I marvel at how absolutely beautiful your dark skin is and wish I had more people of color in my inner circle. I wish my daughter had more diversity in her classroom. I wish you could have the privilege that I have been born with and have taken for granted for my whole life. Mostly, I want to say thank you for existing and for fighting and loving and living despite all the hardships great and small that have befallen you. You are my hero.

All this is to say, I’m feeling especially grateful for all the amazing people in my life. You make my life so rich and beautiful. I don’t know what I’d do without you, but luckily, I don’t have to! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Love, Shelly

PS If you haven’t yet, go check out my friend Heather’s newest free offering of awesome online classes and speakers here.

PPS I also recently recorded a new free class with Heather that airs on this Friday! You can find it here.

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5 Habits that Make Parenting Easier

Parenting can be the most wonderful and the most challenging experience of our lives. Things that used to seem easy, like getting to an appointment on time or grocery shopping can become all but impossible. We can easily slip into bad habits that create tension, power struggles, and conflict with the very people with whom we most want to connect, our family members.

The good news is that there are also some really good and positive habits that you can begin to practice that will make every aspect of parenting easier and more fun. And once you’ve engrained these into your life, the daily struggle becomes far more bearable and the moments of joy and ease continue to increase.

Here’s a list of the five habits I most rely upon to make my life as a parent easier. These habits help promote cooperation, connection, and may even get you some down time, imagine that!

1)  Warnings for EVERY transition

If there is one thing that makes time with children easier, it’s offering warnings about upcoming events. I know it sounds simple, but it really makes a huge impact.

When I started working with kids as a nanny, I didn’t have this habit, but I soon learned its value when my time with children went from a constant battle at every transition to a smooth and easy transition almost every time.

The trick is to get into the habit of offering a 10 minute, 5 minute and 1 minute warning before EVERY transition. About to have dinner? Offer warnings. Headed out to the store? Warnings. Almost bath time? Warnings.

When you get into the habit of offering these warnings about upcoming transitions, children learn that they don’t have to immediately stop what they’re doing. Instead, they have the opportunity to wind down their play or art project and they are often able to get on board with the next item on the agenda. And even when they’re not able to say yes to a trip to the grocery store, at least they feel honored and respected by your attentiveness and dedication to the warning system.

 2) Regular Sleep Schedules

Sleep deprivation is a very real culprit when it comes to maintaining a positive mood and being willing to cooperate with others. This is true both for you and for your kids. When we are sleep deprived, we’re just not as resourceful, happy, or able to adjust. And kids need a LOT of sleep.

My favorite book on sleep is “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” by Elizabeth Pantley. One of the many things I love about this book is that it contains charts so that you can get into the habit of recording your child’s sleep. What I like about this is that it can be a reality check. You may think your 3 year old doesn’t need a nap any more, but depending on how much nighttime sleep she’s getting, she very well may. There’s a great chart in the book that lists the amount of sleep children need based on their age and how most kids break up their total sleep between nighttime sleep and naps.

The great thing about getting into a regular sleep schedule is that your child’s body will learn when naptime and bedtime are and getting them to sleep becomes easier. My daughter will often even say, “I’m tired, I think it’s naptime Mommy.” We rarely have a struggle at bedtime and I think that’s because our routine is so consistent that it just seems like sleep time around 7pm.

 3) Gratitude, Kindness, & Appreciation

It’s easy to fall into the trap of negativity, always pointing out the things our children are doing wrong, but this habit rarely helps a child snap out of it. In fact, by putting attention on the things we don’t want, we’re actually conditioning our kids to do more of those things. After all, that’s what gets them the attention they so desperately need. You see, children don’t consciously distinguish between positive and negative attention. They just know on some fundamental level that they need attention, and either kind will suffice.

But when we can get into the habit of appreciating what we do like, noticing the things we’re grateful for, and treating our kids with gentle kindness, they blossom before our eyes. I don’t mean we should ignore bad behavior entirely, just that when kindness and appreciation are our habit, we’ll naturally get more of the behavior we want and less of what we don’t want.

That’s because children are hard wired to seek our approval, after all, they rely upon us for their very survival. They deeply WANT us to be pleased with them, even in the times when it seems like they’re doing everything they can to push our buttons. So, instead of seeing the boundary pushing as an attempt to rattle you, begin to see it as a request for connection and safety. Your child is saying, “Will you still love me, even if I misbehave?”

The more we can reassure our kids that they are innately wonderful and deeply loved and appreciated, the less they’ll need to test or challenge us at every turn. Of course, there’s a certain aspect of testing behavior that is just personality based. Some kids will push our boundaries more frequently, regardless of how often we remind them that they are unconditionally loved. And most kids are incredibly sensitive to our energy and will know just how sincere our appreciation and acknowledgment really is. I think that kids who test us more often just need even more gratitude, appreciation, and acknowledgment for the qualities that we most enjoy.

4)  Asking for Help

I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to do it all myself by default. I somehow think that it’s normal to do child-care, buy the groceries, put them away, clean the kitchen, cook a healthy meal, feed my family, put away the leftovers, and play a game with my daughter while I’m doing the dishes. That. Is. Not. Normal. Or at least it shouldn’t be.

Yes, you may be a stay at home mom or dad or a single mom or dad. You might not have family members that live nearby. But no matter what your circumstances, the old adage, “It takes a village to raise a child,” is still true. We MUST get into the habit of asking for help. And that includes asking our kids for help.

Believe me when I tell you that it’s in your child’s best interest to be a contributing member of your household. And if you do have a partner at home, it’s crucially important that you ask for support when you need it, and sometimes even when it would just be really nice. A recent study found that couples who did chores together were more satisfied with the division of labor and had greater marital satisfaction than couples who did chores separately.

And if you don’t have a partner at home, developing the habit of asking for help is key to your survival. By asking friends and family members to help you, you’re expanding your circle of connections and offering people the opportunity to contribute to you. That’s exactly what creates a feeling of community and helps you keep your sanity. Yes, sometimes it’s difficult to ask for help. Do it anyway.

5) Daily Snuggles

Maybe this is my primary love language, physical touch, speaking here, but snuggling up with my daughter is one of the highlights of my day, every day. By making daily snuggles a habitual part of our daily routine we both fill up our love tanks and remember what’s important to us. When her little arms reach around my neck and she says, “Mommy, I love you TOO much!” I simply melt. These moments are what make all the hard work, sacrifice, stress, and difficulty of parenting 100% worth it.

Make sure you get your tank filled on a daily basis. And if you’re not sure what it is that fills up your tank, think about the moments when everything feels good and right. And make more of those moments. Build them into your day so that they become a habit. And then go back to those wonderful moments in your mind, whenever you start to feel stressed or freaked out.

So, there you have it, my five habits to help make your parenting journey easier and more enjoyable for everyone. I hope they work as well for you as they do for me!

Have a fantastic week and please share your own ideas for habits that make parenting easier.

Photo by Heidi Thomas Thomasandvelophotography.com

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50 Ways to Share Your Love on Valentine’s Day and Every Day

I think Valentine’s Day gets a bad rap. My husband calls it a “Hallmark Holiday” but I still love Valentine’s Day because I’m all about the love. This may stem from the fact that I’m solidly a Type 2 in the Enneagram. I’m “The Helper” and based on my personality type, my primary motivation in life is to love and be loved.

If you don’t know about the Enneagram yet, definitely check it out. You will learn a TON about yourself and a lot about your loved ones too. My favorite Enneagram book is “Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery” by Riso and Hudson.

But even if I wasn’t a Type 2, I still think I’d enjoy Valentine’s Day because it’s the perfect excuse to share love and appreciation with everyone! Sure, I spread the love on other days too, but this is a holiday completely dedicated to love. What could be better?

So, whether you like the holiday or not, let’s all take the time to share our love and appreciation with the special people in our lives. Oh, and let’s not forget to also RECEIVE love and appreciation this week as well. Sharing love is a two way street and if we can’t receive as well as giving, then we’re stopping the flow of love.

What might it look like to give and receive some extra love this week? Well, it could take many different forms. If we use The Five Love Languages as a guide, we realize that we can give and receive love in all sorts of ways!

Here are the Five Love Languages (by Gary Chapman):

1)   Gifts

2)   Acts of Service

3)   Physical Touch

4)   Quality Time

5)   Words of Affirmation

And here’s a survey you can fill out online to see what your primary love language is.

There are countless ways to show someone you care.

So, here are 50 ways to show your loved ones how much you adore them off the top of my head and in no particular order:

1) A hug

2) A kiss

3) Snuggles

4) Say “I love you”

5) Read to them

6) Give loving eye contact

7) Fix something broken

8) Run an errand

9) Make a homemade card

10) Find a beautiful rock, shell, or feather to give

11) Go for a walk

12) Have a picnic together

13) Act our your love in pantomime

14) Share something you appreciate about them

15) Scrape off an icy windshield

16) Cook their favorite dinner

17) Send flowers

18) Call them

19) Skype them

20) Text them (FB message, IM, Email, etc.)

21) Write a note

22) Send a letter

23) Dance

24) Sing a song of love

25) Let them choose the activity

26) Brag about them to someone else

27) Make a collage for them

28) Hold hands

29) Give a massage

30) Wash their feet

31) Wink

32) Draw them a picture

33)  Make them a basket

34) Crochet or knit a scarf

35) Tell them how they’ve changed your life for the better

36) Blow bubbles

37) Give cash

38) Wash their car

39) Make a “welcome home” banner

40) Record a video

41) Brush their hair

42) Bake a special cake

43) Leave a gift on their doorstep

44) Tell a room full of people how you feel about them

45) Propose marriage

46) Clap extra loud after their performance

47) Introduce them to someone else you love

48) Say, “I adore you.”

49) Tell them about one of your favorite memories with them

50) Ask a question and pay attention to the answer

So, that should get you started, now you can choose something, anything, and do it TODAY to share your heart with the people you love.

And, I would love to continue this list. What would you add to it? Please leave a comment and let’s keep love alive!

Have a “lovely” week 😉

Hugs, Shelly

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It’s All Happenning…

Becoming a parent is definitely a rite of passage and I don’t know anybody who has gone through it who doesn’t get a deep and profound sense of ADULTHOOD from being a mom or a dad. Once we realize that we’re responsible for these initially helpless little human beings, we quickly identify all the ways we’ve still been pretending to be carefree and irresponsible and hopefully we grow up.

So now that I’m really an adult I keep having this realization about what life is and how different adulthood is from what I imagined it would be when I was a child.

When I was young I thought there was a clear and definite contrast between “right” and “wrong,” “good” and “bad,” “should” and “shouldn’t.” But as an adult all those boundaries seem blurry and grey. Sure, I still know what feels good and right to me, but I no longer have the misconception that my own values extend to the rest of the world. It’s more about what’s right for me in this particular moment, than it is about some universal Right.  In other words, as a young person things were black and white and now everything is shades of grey. I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this.

But that’s not the realization I most wanted to share. What I’ve realized is that I used to think that life was EITHER good or bad, happy or sad, exciting or boring. And now I realize that life is all of those things at the same time. Life is good AND bad AND happy AND sad AND exciting AND boring ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

Some examples:

1)     When I was five years old my parents divorced. I was glad that they no longer fought, but having two homes and two families was both wonderful and really hard for me.

2)    I moved away from my dearest friends so that I could be with my future husband.

3)    My daughter was born and my dear uncle Rick died before he ever got to meet her.

4)   I got to raise my own chicks and now collect fresh eggs from them and my daughter got salmonella from breathing their dust when she was a baby.

5)    I get to see clients face to face from around the world over Skype but I don’t get nearly enough hugs from my friends living nearby.

When I expand my awareness to the big wide world I see even more examples. Tragedies happen and then people come together to help the survivors. People go through unspeakable torture and imprisonment and then when interviewed later, say that they are grateful for the ordeal because it brought them an inner peace and strength they wouldn’t have otherwise.

I guess my point is, it’s all happening. All of it. The good, the bad, the ugly AND the unspeakably beautiful. And our job is to enjoy as much of it as we possibly can in our short time on this Earth.

So yes, your child is whining and screaming one minute and snuggling up whispering, “I love you,” the next. That’s just the way life is. It’s all jumbled together in a big stew. Everything is just thrown in together. And I am loving every minute of it (except when I’m not).

What do you think about the mixed bag that life is? Does the darkness help us appreciate the light? Or is it all just meaningless? Do you think it’s possible to divide the “negative” from the “positive”? Or does it all just end up together in the end? I would love to know your thoughts so please leave me a comment!

Warm hugs and the cold shoulder, Shelly

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Overflowing with Gratitude

I just got off the phone with a client and I’m feeling so much inspiration and gratitude. I’m grateful that I get to support people to live the lives they’re most inspired to live. I’m grateful I can make an impact on one person and that impact can ripple out in beautiful and unexpected ways. And I’m grateful that I can be moved and impacted in return. Wow. My life is such a blessing.

As I sit here looking out my office window I see a tree with a few yellow leaves still hanging on, trying desperately to survive for another day. I’m so grateful to be healthy and alive! I see my hot tub, what a source of joy and relaxation. I’m so comfortable inside my centrally heated home under electric lights that work. I’m sitting here sipping hot tea and typing on a truly incredibly piece of hardware, (fyi, my wonderful husband who I adore sometimes calls my MacBook Air my boyfriend).

And I get to share my innermost thoughts with you! I am so incredibly grateful to you for reading this right now. Your presence in my life inspires me to continue to share myself honestly, openly, and fearlessly. When you listen, you provide a space where I can share. And when you share, I get to listen. It’s a win-win!

I’m about to go pick up a pie that I didn’t have to bake myself, all I had to do was make a phone call and the woman on the other end of the line said, “We’ll have it ready for you!” What a marvel!

I can hear my cat meowing, which usually annoys me, but right now it sounds like music and warm snuggles, and companionship. I can hear my mom in the next room playing with my daughter. Two of the people I adore most in the world, and they’re having so much fun together!

When I think of my family, I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. There are so many people who love me, care for and about me, and support me in so many ways. My husband is incredible, my parents are awesome, and lucky me, I even adore my in-laws!

The client I just spoke to recently finished his yearly drive to deliver Thanksgiving dinners to families in need. They delivered turkeys and fixings to 519 families this year. And each and every family received the surprise delivery from another real live family who personally brought the food to their door and handed it to them. The human connection as he described the process was beautifully palpable.

Earlier today I spoke to someone who does relief work in Africa and helps manage millions of dollars in aid every year. My life is filled with incredible people do amazing and meaningful work in the world.

Just yesterday I spoke with a friend who cares for her son all day every day. I am constantly in awe of the moms who can do that day in and day out. Being a mother is a huge service already, but being a stay at home parent who’s a primary care giver for a child is just incredibly beautiful. If you do that job, my hat is off to you. You’re making a huge difference in the life of your child.

And then there are the working moms, who work all day to support their families and then come home and still care for their puking, feverish children all night long, only to head back to work the next day. Um, can I please give you some sort of medal or something?

Everywhere I look there are countless reasons to be grateful and to appreciate, and to be inspired to be and do even more. I want to grow and build and care even more when I connect with you. Thank you!

Whether you’ve done something small like clicking like on one of my facebook posts or something big like purchasing ongoing coaching from me, your participation in our community makes a difference.

And not just here either, the friend you talked to last week who was struggling, or the kind word you offered to someone at the grocery store while their child was melting down, or the ex-husband that you shared your children with over the weekend. They all benefit from your generosity and compassion.

And though you may not know all of the ways that your kindness branches out and grows, let me assure you, it does. When you share love, it blossoms and grows, in small ways and in large ways, impacting a single person or perhaps thousands, even millions of people.

Thank you for helping me share my love and thank you for sharing yours. Together, I do believe we’re changing things for the better. And I’m having a lot more fun doing it with you than I ever could all by myself.

Love, hugs, and Happy Thanksgiving, Shelly

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