Tag: Guessing feelings

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Sharing Your Kids With Your Ex During the Holidays

Divorce, it’s not a topic we usually think of when we’re considering holiday plans, but for children whose parents live separately, holidays can be both wonderful and complicated.

I know they were for me.

My parents divorced when I was five and optimist that I am, I could be heard saying things like, “I’m glad my parents are divorced, now they don’t fight so much!” or, “I get two birthdays, two Christmases, and about four Thanksgiving dinners!”

But the truth is, it was hard for me, even though I never would have admitted that at the time.

It’s stressful to be moving from one home to another or to travel across town or across the country just to visit with your own family for the holidays. And though we all feel the pinch since most of us live far from our families of origin, I think this time is especially stressful for children of divorce.

I can feel my stomach tensing up as I write this. It’s hard to say goodbye to one family and jump into a whole new environment with different people, different rules and expectations, and all the while, missing the family you’ve just said goodbye to. I’m not sure anyone can fully appreciate the experience unless they’ve been through it themselves.

I’ve been there.

I have a few close friends and some clients who are currently separated, divorced, or in the process of divorcing and when I talk with them, I can hear their deep concern for their children along with their relief at having made a decision that will make them happier, better parents overall.

If you’re one of those parents, congratulations on choosing what will surely turn out to be best for you and your kids. Even if it doesn’t seem like it right now, you can help your child have a happy, healthy childhood AND keep yourself sane by creating some distance with your ex.

Underneath the surface questions like how often should he see his dad or should I ask for full custody, I often hear deeper questions like, will my child be OK and how can I make sure he grows up happy and well adjusted?

So, here’s what I know about what works and what doesn’t when you’re sharing your precious child with someone who you no longer want to share a life with.

1)     Protect the child’s relationships with BOTH parents.

The relationship with the other parent MUST be fiercely protected, cared for, nurtured, and supported by BOTH parents. If my mom hadn’t tucked in her own angry feelings toward my dad and made sure I spent lots of time with him, I wouldn’t have the wonderful relationship with my dad that I have today.

And if my dad hadn’t generously agreed to share custody when he wasn’t legally bound to do so, my relationships with my mom and step-dad would have suffered greatly. One thing my parents did right after their divorce: they made sure I had MY OWN relationship with each of them.

What this means for you: Resist the urge to vilify your ex and instead, share the things you appreciate about your ex with your child. Make sure your child has as much time with each of her parents as possible. And always be available to help your child process and work through any negative thoughts or feelings she might have about her other parent. Remember that you and your co-parent are your child’s best example of emotional maturity and responsibility. And if you need help processing your own stuff about your ex, seek professional help. Don’t rely on your child to help you work through your own feelings toward her other parent.

2)    Make transitions smooth and predictable

Transitions between households are difficult, there’s no way around that. It’s completely bewildering to switch homes, so do your best to provide consistency and clarity during and after the transition (and before the next one).

Here are a few suggestions for how to ease the transition:

  • Be there for the hand-off. It’s hugely important to be present at major transitions like picking up or dropping of your child at the other parent’s house. Don’t send a proxy for this important job.
  • Be on time. Don’t make a child wait around for you to pick them up. Children are extremely self-centered which is developmentally appropriate, but that means that they take things very personally too. When you’re late for a pick up, or you send someone else, a child might interpret that to mean that they’re not important to you.
  • Create a short ritual around welcoming the child back to your home. This can be as simple as a hug, a kiss, and helping your child unpack his bag. Or it could be something more elaborate like lighting a candle and saying a prayer for his other family. Ask your child what he would like to do.

3)    Celebrate the benefits and talk about the drawbacks

It was pretty awesome to get twice as many gifts on birthdays and Christmas. More gifts at holidays is a tangible benefit of having divorced parents that a child might want to celebrate. So go ahead and let her revel in her good fortune!

But also remember that even if your child seems “well adjusted,” it’s also important to talk about the drawbacks and downside of having multiple families. It’s a lot of hard work to pack a bag and move to a new home every so often, adjusting to new expectations and enjoying time with this family while simultaneously missing the other one. It would be a lot for anyone to process, and it’s especially overwhelming and confusing for a child.

The best way I know to process emotions is to talk about them. “Wow, I bet you’re having a lot of feelings today. You might be feeling excited to be here, but you’re also feeling sad about leaving your other home, huh?”

A little bit of empathy can go a long way to helping your child understand what she’s going through.

4)   Get professional support for your child

My parents were always big fans of therapy, so I never felt badly about getting professional help to work through my feelings. I went to therapy several times throughout my childhood, usually for short stints. It was reassuring to know that if I needed someone to talk to, my parents would provide me with someone well trained and impartial.

During the custody dispute my parents had when I was seven, my dad and step-mom sent me to group therapy for kids going through divorce. It was called “Kids in the Middle” and I loved going! It was nice to know that I wasn’t alone and that other kids were experiencing similar difficulties.

So, if you’re co-parenting with an ex, I hope this information is helpful and I’d be happy to share more about my experiences growing up with divorced parents. All you have to do is ask!

I hope you had a wonderful holiday weekend and can you believe it’s almost December already?!

Warm hugs and love, Shelly

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“I don’t need you anymore.”

Last week I was absentmindedly helping Julia put on her shoes when she pushed my hand away and said, “I don’t need you anymore.” Initially I was shocked (she’s 2!), and then I felt hurt. Then I understood that she didn’t mean that she will never need me for anything ever again.

Afterward I thought about how silly it is that such a small sentence could send me into an emotional tailspin, especially when it came out of the mouth of a two year old. I mean, I’m supposed to be the adult and she’s the child!

But that’s parenthood, right? Maintaining composure with friends, colleagues, co-workers and other family members is a breeze compared to keeping our center when our beloved child says something unexpectedly hurtful. We know they don’t INTEND to be hurtful, and even if they do, it’s just their way of exploring boundaries and understanding emotional experiences.

I know that by maintaining composure and sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings from a grounded place, I can help my daughter develop empathy and become more emotionally intelligent.

But it hurts like hell to have your child say something like, “I hate you,” or “Go away, don’t touch me!” So how can we maintain calm composure when our children are spewing their most powerful poison at us?

First we have to remember that they are children. That doesn’t mean that their words are meaningless or that we shouldn’t take them seriously. It means that they aren’t fully aware of the effect their words can have yet and they’re still exploring concepts of power, empathy, and their impact on others.

The problem with breaking down in the face of our children’s attempts to explore their power is that it can actually be scary for them to realize that they can cause emotional upset in us. What children most want is a strong and compassionate parent who can hear the message underneath their hurtful words.

So, next we could translate their words into the underlying feelings and needs they’re trying to express. For instance, when Julia said, “I don’t need you anymore.” I could have thought, “Oh, she’s feeling frustrated because she needs autonomy and accomplishment.” What a difference a little bit of interpretation can make!

Or if a child is saying, “I hate you! Go away!” they may need reassurance that we love them no matter what. They could also need some space, but many times when children push us away with their irritating, or hurtful behavior it’s precisely because they’re testing our resolve to stay and love them no matter what they say or do. If I were able to stay composed in this scenario I might say something like, “I hear you. It sounds like you’re feeling angry, and that’s OK. I love you no matter what and I’m going to stay right here in case you need a hug.”

On the other hand, if I sense that a child really does just want some alone time, I’m happy to offer that too. It’s really just a matter of interpreting what we think the underlying feelings and needs probably are in this particular instance.

Think back to a time in the past few weeks when you’ve lost your cool with your kiddos. Can you identify their underlying feelings and needs? Can you identify your own? How might you have handled the situation differently if you were able to maintain relaxed composure?

I do think it’s important to process emotional content after the heat of the emotion has passed. During an upset, no one is able to learn from the experience. But afterward, by playing games, getting curious, and doing some role-play, we can often turn the most upsetting experiences into opportunities to learn and grow.

I would love to hear about your own moments of emotional turmoil when something unexpected comes out of your child’s mouth. Please share your story with us by leaving a comment below!

And have a lovely week, Shelly

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Is Big picking on Little?

Siblings. They can play well together, enjoy one another, and be super sweet to each other, and then in an instant the tables can turn. Suddenly you’re rushing to the aid of one child, admonishing the other, and feeling frazzled and confused about what really happened.

A LOT can happen in an instant, and it’s unrealistic to think that you can be there in every moment. So, what can you do to foster a healthy sibling relationship and what is the appropriate response when things go haywire?

If your kids are experiencing some difficulties in their relationship the very first thing to do is to consider the big picture. What is the overall feeling between them? Does your younger child feel afraid of your older child? Does your older child seem to feel jealous of attention the younger child receives?

Once you’ve identified the overall tenor of the relationship, from your perspective, consider talking to your kids about their friendship. Ask them how THEY feel their sibling treats them. Really take their feedback into your overall image of what’s really going on.

Next, consider the past week or two. Can you identify the specific triggers to the behavior you don’t want? For instance, have you noticed that every time you’re reading a story to your younger child, your older child runs up and hits him? Or does your younger child tend to invade your older child’s space resulting in a conflict?

As you think about the conflicts of the past week or month, be sure to consider all sides. Avoid the temptation to blame all conflicts on the older child, just because she’s older. Sometimes, the behavior of a younger child can be the triggering event too. And, any time you find yourself thinking that one child is the culprit and the other is a completely innocent bystander, stop yourself.

Most often there’s a dynamic between the two (or three) that needs to shift and if your beloved child feels that you’re taking sides against her, she may feel hurt and betrayed. Instead, try to empathize with both parties.

Now that you’ve identified some specific triggers to behavior that doesn’t work for you, you’re well on your way to fostering a kind and caring relationship between siblings.

So, if you’re clear about what the triggers are you have a few choices.

You can: 1) Prevent and avoid the trigger altogether by

a) identifying and addressing the unmet needs of the aggressor or

b) letting go of unrealistic expectations and creating a more doable scenario

2) Offer an alternative to the negative behavior that is even more fun

3) Be a safe haven for a frustrated or fearful child

Here’s an example. Let’s say Ben is hitting his little sister Sally, whenever she comes near his action figures. You can prevent the conflict by realizing that when Ben plays with his action figures he’s needing space and safety, he wants to know that his sister isn’t going to mess up his game, so you can invite him to play in his room with the door closed, or give him a rug to indicate his play space and then help his sister respect his space.

If Sally isn’t able to respect his space when he’s in the shared living space, then putting a closed door between them is a great way to help her. Or, you could invite Ben to play at the kitchen table where Sally can’t reach his toys. Alternatively, you can invite both kids to dance and sing with you in the living room instead of playing with action figures, or maybe they’d like to play a dress up game and put on a play for you.

And lastly, if Ben knows that he can come to you when Sally interrupts his game, and you’ll actually help him figure out a way to continue his independent play, he’s more likely to call out to you or come and get you, rather than hitting Sally. One the other hand, if he knows he’ll get the half baked response, “Why don’t you just let your sister play?” then he feels he’s on his own and has to do whatever it takes to protect his game.

I’d better wrap this up for today, but I would love to hear about what’s happening for you and what works or doesn’t work at your house!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

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It’s OK to cry

“Dagny III” by Christee Cook

Have you ever noticed that when a child cries, often the first things out of our mouths are things like, “You’re OK” (minimizing their experience) or “Oh no! Don’t cry!” (asking them to deny their experience) or even, “What’s wrong?!” (asking them to think about and describe the upsetting event).

None of these acknowledge the child’s feelings or provide an open, loving environment in which a child can fully feel and express his emotions. I know, it’s an unconscious reaction we have all had at one time or another, but this week it’s time to shine the light of awareness on the way we speak to an upset child.

So, if we could choose exactly how to respond, how would we? We might say something like, “I see you’re upset, do you need a hug?” or “Wow, that was really scary, wasn’t it?” or one of my personal favorites, “It’s OK to cry.”  We might even choose just to sit with them and witness their emotional expression.

I especially wish more boys were told that it’s OK to cry, because after all, it really is OK! In fact, people who are in touch with and at peace with their emotions will fare better in life than those who deny or stuff their emotions.

Studies have shown that holding in emotions like anger, frustration, and resentment, can have long term negative effects on heart health. So, by encouraging kids to acknowledge and express their emotions, we’re helping to ensure a long and healthy life for them both physically and emotionally.

On the other hand, it can be uncomfortable for us to listen to a child who’s crying, wailing, or raging. But I think that’s because we all have our own withheld emotions that we’re fighting to keep hidden. If we felt free to express our emotions as they came up in the moment, we might not feel quite so uncomfortable when our children cry or scream. I’ve certainly found this to be the case in my own life.

For a long time I was uncomfortable with sadness. I didn’t acknowledge my own, and I definitely didn’t want to be around others who were upset. I did everything I could to soothe, redirect, or even ignore any sadness that I came into contact with. And then something shifted for me.

I was hanging out with some close friends of mine, and one of our friends just started to cry. I was a little bit uncomfortable, but I was more fascinated with how unashamed she seemed about her sadness. Pretty soon the crying turned into wailing and I realized that except in movies, I had never actually seen anyone wail! I was moved to tears myself and I came away from the experience realizing that expressing sadness could be deeply moving and beautiful.

I’ll never forget how my friend looked afterward. She was so open, beautiful, free, and light. I had never seen her look so gorgeous and so at peace. So I decided that sadness wasn’t actually something to be avoided at all costs. I realized that in fact, crying could be a relief and a release. And I began to allow my own tears to flow more freely.

I like to imagine my emotions like a big pipeline. When I was holding them in, my pipe was clogged and just a trickle of emotions was getting through. But after practicing to express and celebrate my emotions as they arise, I’ve opened up my pipeline and now all my emotions can travel through it with ease. Now I feel everything with more intensity and I love it!

I am able to cry in an instant, if I’m moved to, but I can also laugh more authentically and have even experienced tears of joy (which I used to think was a bunch of hooey).

Wouldn’t it be amazing if our children never had to go through the process of suppressing their emotions and then rediscovering them? What if they could feel and express their feelings without interruption for their entire lives?  I sure hope for that for my daughter.

So this week, pay special attention to how you automatically respond when a child is upset. Then make a conscious choice about how you WANT to respond and practice it. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences, so please leave me a comment below.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

P.S. If this topic is dear to your heart, check out my audio program Perspectives on Feelings for a more in depth discussion of holding space for big emotions.

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Three ways to stop yelling and still be heard

Although we’re all aware, caring, conscious parents, you know as well as I do that there are times when we lose control and we find ourselves saying the very words we swore we’d never say to our kids. I’m sure there have even been times when you *gasp* yelled at your kids. So, what can you do instead of yelling when you want to be heard and your little ones seem completely oblivious to your existence? I’ve got three great strategies, new things you can do in moments when you’re about to yell or scream. So, try these and let me know how it goes!

Strategy #1 Whisper

I know it’s counter-intuitive, but it’s also like using reverse psychology. When you walk up and whisper in your child’s ear, they will be compelled to listen and become quiet themselves (so they can hear you). I’ve been shocked by how well this has worked in the classroom and in a house full of kids. I think it’s because Continue reading “Three ways to stop yelling and still be heard”

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