Tag: Kids’ contributions

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Terrified of the Terrible Twos? How About Terrific Twos Instead!

Yes, it is true that two-year-old children don’t have much impulse control or emotion regulation skills and that coupled with their very strong preferences has given them a bad reputation as irrational and explosive. I’ve been told all sorts of things about “the terrible twos,” especially when I was a nanny and again as I prepared for motherhood. But it really doesn’t have to be this way. Tantrums and other toddler behaviors that are difficult for us are actually just a signal that a child’s needs aren’t fully being met. Luckily, we CAN meet those needs and enjoy far less of those pesky behaviors.

A couple of years ago I saw an amazing documentary film called, “Edison’s Day” which is about a 20 month old boy whose parents are both Montessori trained. Their whole home is set up to accommodate the budding independence of toddlerhood.  And their son Emerson is clearly thriving as he’s included in meaningful work, helpful tasks, and independent activities throughout his day. If you want to be completely inspired by what a toddler can accomplish if given the opportunity, definitely watch “Edison’s Day.”

I’ve done my best to set up my home in a similar way and have always encouraged my daughter Julia to develop independence as well as nurturing her ongoing cooperation in every possible moment.

And with a few adjustments to your home environment, the way you handle transitions, and your daily routines, you can have terrific twos just like Julia and Edison have! Here are some tips to get you started:

1)   Track your child’s ability to communicate and offer help.

Sign language, guessing what he wants and verbalizing for your child, and helping a child to simplify a sentence can all support toddlers in gaining the confidence to communicate their needs. “You want the cup? Can you sign ‘please’? OK!”

2)   Set up a leaving home and arriving back at home routine

complete with low hooks, a bin or basket for shoes, and a playful but consistent attitude. “We put our shoes away when we come inside.”

3)   Warn toddlers of an impending transition with plenty of time for them to get on board.

“We need to go to the grocery store. Would you like to go now or in 5 minutes? Is there anything you’d like to bring with you?”

4)   Empower your child with the skills and knowledge of the daily routine, self-care practices, and household tasks.

Toddlers are FAR more capable than we might think, so invite your child to try new things and try not to do things for them if they’re capable and willing to do it themselves.

5)   Establish a few very clear rules, post them publicly, and ask everyone in your child’s life to help you maintain those boundaries.

Also, offer an acceptable alternative if your child breaks a rule. “It’s not OK to throw books, but here’s a ball you can throw instead!”

6)   Establish a consistent daily routine and ask your child to anticipate what happens next.

“Do you remember what we do after we take off our shoes and coat?…That’s right! We go to the bathroom.”

So, why do these things make such a huge difference in the life of a two year old? For young people, routines create security. So the more predictable the daily routine is, the more likely your two year old will know what to expect and feel comfortable and prepared for what’s next.

And then there’s their budding independence. The “I do it,” stage. The more we can embrace and nurture a toddler’s autonomy, the happier and more relaxed they will be. That’s because a toddler’s main goal in life is to grow up and become a capable adult. They want to be just like us, so let’s help them learn how!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

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Fostering Gratitude

My daughter’s favorite phrase lately seems to be, “I want I want I want…” and then she fills in the blank with whatever she happens to want in that particular moment. We’ve been working on asking nicely, which she does beautifully when prompted. And, with Thanksgiving approaching I’ve been thinking about the relationship between desire and gratitude.

In my experience, desire is somewhat uncomfortable and exciting and if my desire goes unfulfilled it can reach a point of frenzy. Gratitude on the other hand is calming, heart centered, and incredibly fulfilling in and of itself.

So, when I find myself stuck in a cycle of desire, I can often find a peaceful way out by consciously practicing gratitude. And I deeply want Julia to develop this useful skill.

For the next couple of weeks when she starts in with her refrain, “I want I want I want…” I think I’ll respond by sharing something I’m grateful for, instead of prompting her to ask nicely. “I’m so grateful we get to spend this time together!” or “I’m glad we have lovely healthy food to eat.” And then I’ll ask, “What are you grateful for?”

Sure, we’ll practice this on Thanksgiving, but why not start early and continue through the end of the month? In fact, why take a break from gratitude at all?

There are bunches of studies from positive psychology and happiness research that show that gratitude increases quality of life. Here’s a list of some peer reviewed studies from 2006-2011 if you’re interested in learning more about the current research.

The point is that gratitude and appreciation are emotions that benefit us and the people around us. And what’s the best way to teach this wonderful skill to our children? Why, to practice it regularly ourselves, of course!

How do you practice gratitude on a daily and weekly basis? Do you have rituals around food, like saying grace? Do you recount favorite moments of each day at bedtime? Do you have family meeting where each person gets a chance to appreciate the other members of the family?

If none of these sound familiar, maybe it’s time to implement a gratitude practice into your life! Even something as simple as keeping a gratitude journal that you write in daily can improve your happiness and wellbeing. And even if you don’t formally adopt a practice WITH the kids, your own daily practice will still positively impact your family.

The holidays are a wonderful time to practice being grateful for what we have, and they’re also a good time to give to others. Sometimes I find that it’s easier to be grateful for the abundance in my life when I spend time with people who are less fortunate. It’s very easy to take things for granted when everyone around us has things like hot running water and cars to drive.

But when we volunteer at a local soup kitchen, it feels really good to give back AND it reminds us how fortunate we are. Really, having hot running water and a roof over our heads is quite a miracle.

So, what are you most grateful for today? And how might you implement a gratitude practice with your kids? Or do you already have one that you’d like to share? I love hearing from you!

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

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Why Family Rituals Create Confident Kids

Have you ever noticed how young children like to do things the same way day after day? Let’s say you just happened to make a joke at the beginning of lunch one day, so they remind you of the joke every day for the next two weeks. Sound familiar? Or, you cut the crust off of their bread once, so now they MUST have their crust cut off every time.

It can be maddening, but it is also deeply linked to how a young child learns. Repetition is absolutely crucial to learning. So the desire to re-enact daily and weekly rituals is one way that children make sure they’re really “getting it.”

We all have daily and weekly rituals whether they are consciously created or unconsciously enacted. There is a certain way we do things. So this week is all about bringing more mindfulness to the rituals we have and to the ones we’d like to create with our children.

For example, at the beginning of every meal (or snack) I ask my daughter to climb up into her seat by herself and then I buckle her in. At the end of the meal I wipe off her hands and face with a wet cloth and then hand it to her. She proceeds to wipe off the table and then removes her bib and places it on the table. After the table is clean and the bib is off, I unbuckle her and she climbs down.

This is a ritual that is still evolving. But eventually she will set the table with a placemat, dishes, utensils, and a napkin before a meal and she will clean up afterward by placing dishes in a “dirty dish” bin and putting her used napkin in the hamper to be washed.

You might have a ritual around bedtime and/or bath time or even play time. Part of your ritual might involve incantations like when we say “It’s pajama time…Oh yeah!” every night before bed. Or when we sing the “clean up” song when it’s time to pick up our toys. The point is not that we adopt the same rituals, in fact, doing so would probably reduce the value of our family rituals. The point is that there is a certain way that WE in OUR family do things. It’s unique to us. It’s co-created by all of us and it makes us smile when we think about it.

I can still remember a ritual my mom and I used to have before I would go to bed at night. We would play some little games, read some books, and then just before it was lights out we would race to say, “Ready…set…go! Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite, sweet dreams, I love you, I beat you!” It was our own personal before bed tongue twister and we both really enjoyed it. You can tell I really loved it because I STILL remember it all these years later.

By creating and practicing this kind of mindful repetition, you’re giving your child a deep sense of security. Children really love to know what to expect so that they can fully participate in life and learning.

So what are the rituals in your family? Are there any that you’d like to transform? Or add to? Are there some that might be missing that you can create together?

I would love to know about your special rituals and how you practice them. Please share your story with us all! Warm hugs, Shelly

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Eradicate Sibling Rivalry

I’ve had a few parents asking me about how to transform sibling rivalry so today I want to share an idea of something very specific and powerful that you can do to go from tension, fighting, and frustration to peace, love and happiness between siblings.

The bad news is it’s completely up to you to set the tone of your household and to maintain your commitment to having a peaceful and loving home life.  The good news is, your children WILL follow your lead easily and naturally.

I have a whole curriculum on this topic which is under development and it’s way too much to go into today, but I wanted share the tip that has made the  biggest difference for the parents I’ve worked with.

Conspiring with your family to lavish one another with acts of kindness. 

This one activity can completely change the energy of your home from competition and animosity to collaboration and kindness.   So how do you begin?

First, consider each member of your family and come up with a nice thing you and your child or children can do for them.  At first it’s helpful to make a list so that you can keep track of the kind acts you plan to infuse into your home.  After you’ve gotten some momentum going, these kinds of acts will become second nature and will happen spontaneously and often in your home, even without your direct participation.  Your list might look something like this:

  • Attack Dad with hugs, kisses, and “I love you’s” on Sunday morning
  • Make a crown and magic wand for Rachel and then do her bidding for 15min.
  • Tell Jason 3 things we appreciate about him
  • Cheer for Dad when he gets back from his run
  • Let Connor choose his favorite dinner
  • Pretend to be a magic genie and give Claire three wishes
  • Take out the trash for Jason (or do another chore for him)
  • Read a story to Claire
  • Hide a surprise gift for Connor in his closet
  • Pick flowers and arrange them for Mom
  • Play basketball with Connor and Rachel
  • Send a thank you note to Grandma

Once you have a good-sized list of acts of kindness, breathe and relax and remember that your family will help you do these things.  You are not alone and it’s not your job to DO all of these things.  Your work is to come up with some initial ideas and help your whole family implement them.

Next, choose an item on the list and go to one or more of your children to begin to conspire with them to offer this act of kindness.  This might sound something like this:

“Hey Jason, are you busy right now?  I have an idea of something sweet we can do for Claire.  Would you like to help me pamper her?”  If your child isn’t interested, that’s OK, just go to another family member and ask.

You may want to begin by lavishing the child who is in the most distress or who exhibits the most animosity toward others.  Remember that picking fights or lashing out is an indicator that your child is needing something.  So, by offering your love, kindness, and generosity to the child who seems to deserve it least, you’re doing a couple of things.

First, you’re modeling for your whole family how you’re committed to treating one another, no matter what THEY DO.  You are lavishing your child with love and affection for being his wonderful self even after he has lashed out at his sister because you know that he is innately good and kind, he has just temporarily lost his ability to show it.

Second, you’re nurturing a person who clearly needs your love and attention,  and you’re teaching your whole family to see unkind outbursts as a signal of need, rather than something to be punished for or retaliated against.

This sets up a positive cycle in your home in which negativity and hurtfulness are quickly bombarded with loving attention.  And amazingly, giving love to your reactive child can actually eradicate the underlying unmet needs and allow the child to regain his own sense of kindness and generosity.

I’m curious, have you ever tried anything like this before?  How did it go?  Do you have questions or concerns about implementing this?  Please leave me a comment below.

And have a fantastic day, Shelly

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Video: The “Find it” Game

Here’s a great game you can play virtually anytime you’re home and busy with a task.  Your kids will love it and feel connected to you, even as you continue to cook dinner.

What other ways could you play this game?  Can you see how it can help kids learn colors, shapes, locations of things in your home, sizes, and so much more?!  I would love to hear how you would modify this game to best fit your child’s interests.  Please leave me a comment!

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