I’ve had a few parents asking me about how to transform sibling rivalry so today I want to share an idea of something very specific and powerful that you can do to go from tension, fighting, and frustration to peace, love and happiness between siblings.
The bad news is it’s completely up to you to set the tone of your household and to maintain your commitment to having a peaceful and loving home life. The good news is, your children WILL follow your lead easily and naturally.
I have a whole curriculum on this topic which is under development and it’s way too much to go into today, but I wanted share the tip that has made the biggest difference for the parents I’ve worked with.
Conspiring with your family to lavish one another with acts of kindness.
This one activity can completely change the energy of your home from competition and animosity to collaboration and kindness. So how do you begin?
First, consider each member of your family and come up with a nice thing you and your child or children can do for them. At first it’s helpful to make a list so that you can keep track of the kind acts you plan to infuse into your home. After you’ve gotten some momentum going, these kinds of acts will become second nature and will happen spontaneously and often in your home, even without your direct participation. Your list might look something like this:
- Attack Dad with hugs, kisses, and “I love you’s” on Sunday morning
- Make a crown and magic wand for Rachel and then do her bidding for 15min.
- Tell Jason 3 things we appreciate about him
- Cheer for Dad when he gets back from his run
- Let Connor choose his favorite dinner
- Pretend to be a magic genie and give Claire three wishes
- Take out the trash for Jason (or do another chore for him)
- Read a story to Claire
- Hide a surprise gift for Connor in his closet
- Pick flowers and arrange them for Mom
- Play basketball with Connor and Rachel
- Send a thank you note to Grandma
Once you have a good-sized list of acts of kindness, breathe and relax and remember that your family will help you do these things. You are not alone and it’s not your job to DO all of these things. Your work is to come up with some initial ideas and help your whole family implement them.
Next, choose an item on the list and go to one or more of your children to begin to conspire with them to offer this act of kindness. This might sound something like this:
“Hey Jason, are you busy right now? I have an idea of something sweet we can do for Claire. Would you like to help me pamper her?” If your child isn’t interested, that’s OK, just go to another family member and ask.
You may want to begin by lavishing the child who is in the most distress or who exhibits the most animosity toward others. Remember that picking fights or lashing out is an indicator that your child is needing something. So, by offering your love, kindness, and generosity to the child who seems to deserve it least, you’re doing a couple of things.
First, you’re modeling for your whole family how you’re committed to treating one another, no matter what THEY DO. You are lavishing your child with love and affection for being his wonderful self even after he has lashed out at his sister because you know that he is innately good and kind, he has just temporarily lost his ability to show it.
Second, you’re nurturing a person who clearly needs your love and attention, and you’re teaching your whole family to see unkind outbursts as a signal of need, rather than something to be punished for or retaliated against.
This sets up a positive cycle in your home in which negativity and hurtfulness are quickly bombarded with loving attention. And amazingly, giving love to your reactive child can actually eradicate the underlying unmet needs and allow the child to regain his own sense of kindness and generosity.
I’m curious, have you ever tried anything like this before? How did it go? Do you have questions or concerns about implementing this? Please leave me a comment below.
And have a fantastic day, Shelly