Tag: Modelling

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Three Keys to Transforming Whining

Photo by Suzette Hibble www.thebayareaphotographer.com

Oh boy, my daughter was sick with a week-long stomach flu, and as a result, whining has emerged. Here we go on the whining toddler ride! I find whining to be one of the most annoying and challenging things young children do to express their needs. Tantrums are easier for me than whining. That’s probably because I’ve done so much whining myself! In fact, if I’m really honest, I STILL whine when I’m exceptionally tired, sick, or otherwise infirmed.

Despite my own whining, I do know how to help a child stop whining! There are three keys to transforming whining. The first is changing the way we perceive the whiner. When we have thoughts like, “She is just doing this to manipulate me,” or “He ALWAYS does this in front of my friends, he must be trying to embarrass me,” we behave toward our children as if our thoughts are true.

The trick is to transform our thoughts to create a situation in which we have space and empathy for the smaller people in our lives, rather than resentment toward them. When we blame children for our own uncomfortable feelings, no one wins. However, when we can learn to identify the internal root causes of our own feelings, we no longer need to pin the blame on a whining child. Instead we can realize, “I’m feeling exhausted right now and THAT is why I’m so annoyed. My child is only trying to meet her needs and she’s doing her best to communicate with me.”

The second key is to offer your child some heartfelt empathy. Empathy is like your parenting super-power! You’ll be shocked at how a little bit of true empathy can completely change the situation and the behavior and affect of your child.

Sometimes all it takes is a simple statement like, “Huh, it seems like you’re feeling sad right now, is that true?” At other times it might just be eye contact and a hug. And at still other times you might speak for your child about his emotions, “You’re feeling really mad about that! Grrrr! That is NOT okay with you, is it?” It can even be something as simple as joining your child in her tirade of “No, no, no, no, no, no!” The real key here is to FEEL empathy for your child. If you’re just using empathy as a way to get a child to stop whining, they will sense that and it won’t work.

The third key is to model the tone of voice and wording that we’d most like to hear from our kids. “Wow sweetie, I can tell you’re really upset and frustrated right now, but when you talk in a whiney voice, it bothers me and then I don’t want to help you. So let’s figure out a way you can ask that I WILL want to help. How about, ‘Mommy, may I please have a snack?’ and then I’ll say, ‘Sure!’ Want to try it right now?”

By sharing my own feelings and working with her to help her successfully argue her point, she knows that I’m on her side and I really do want to help. And, by inviting her to try a new strategy right then, I’m offering her an opportunity to be successful. However, watch out for a desire to push a child to share or try something they’re not interested in. If my daughter says no, I simply speak both sides of the conversation for her and then give her the snack she was whining for. It isn’t important to me that she actually repeat what I’ve said…yet. When she’s closer to five years old, I will definitely require that she ask in a more palatable tone of voice. But for now (she’s not even two years old yet) I’m just laying the foundation and showing her what works for me.

Depending on how you’ve communicated with your child about whining in the past, you may have some clean-up to do or some repetition to make your way through before your child will be willing to try “the new way.”

I use modeling for all sorts of things with my daughter, but as a preschool teacher I found it so effective at transforming whining that it’s my #1 favorite strategy for turning a whine into a respectful request.

How do you deal with whining at your house? I would love to add your strategies to my arsenal! Please share a story or strategy in the comments below. Thanks!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

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New Parent Social Isolation

Wow, I feel like I’ve recently emerged from a long winter’s sleep. My daughter is now 15 months old and suddenly in the past month or two I’ve realized how utterly socially isolated and disconnected I’ve been. I’ve barely talked to my dearest friends, I haven’t been out of the house much at all, and I definitely haven’t been outside of my comfort zone.

And I think all of that is perfectly OK and natural for a new parent. It’s a lot of hard work to nurture an infant and it felt perfectly right for me to throw myself into motherhood so fully and completely. But now that I’m emerging from the haze of my daughter’s infancy I’m reminded that it’s my commitment to my highest values that will most positively impact her life.

So, if I value authentic relating and community, then I’d better step up and start acting like it again! After I gave birth to my daughter I was amazed at how little anything else mattered any more. It was like everything that had mattered the most in my life was reduced to a tiny sliver of importance and my daughter took up 99.9% of everything that mattered to me. I can feel that shifting now.

Sure, my family is HUGELY important to me. And nurturing and supporting my husband and daughter are some of the things that matter most. But there’s a new space opening up in me that still cares about the things that mattered BEFORE parenthood. Community. Authenticity. Honesty. Facing my fears bravely. Showing up BIG in my life. Fiercely supporting my clients to make big changes in their lives.

I’ve been gone for a while. I’ve been doing what I’ve needed to do to lay a strong foundation of love and trust between my child and me. But I’m ready to step out of my comfortable little nest and make an even bigger difference in the world. It’s important to me that I continue to learn, grow, and stretch. Because reaching out and challenging myself gives me a sense of purpose and joy. I also deeply want my daughter to live a passionate and inspired life. And I know that the best way to ensure that is to model it for her, myself.

So, fair warning, I’m about to bust out and share even more of myself with you and with the world. Goodbye ‘New Parent Social Isolation’ and Hello World!

I would love to know if this was your experience of the first year of your child’s life. Did you hibernate? And was there a time when you suddenly felt ready to re-engage socially? I want to hear your story!

Tons of love, Shelly

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A new take on discipline

What do you think of when you hear the word “discipline”?  When most people think about parenting and discipline they probably think of punitive discipline like time out, yelling, spanking, or taking away privileges.

I don’t want my daughter to be afraid of me or of the punishment I might hand down.  So I’ve chosen the most peaceful parenting I can possibly muster.  But if punitive discipline is out, does that mean I’m a total softie and my kids walk all over me?  Definitely not.

In fact, setting clear and consistent boundaries is one of the best ways to help your child feel secure.  In the Montessori schools in which I worked, we practiced a logical or natural consequences approach to setting boundaries with kids.  And it really worked!  Children understood why we did things a certain way and they were usually happy to cooperate.

Somehow setting boundaries was easier when it was my job to be completely respectful of the child.  Now that I think about it, it was much easier not to swear when I was a preschool teacher and my job was on the line.   But now that I’m a parent, I slip up sometimes.  It’s a much different challenge to be respectful of a child 24 hours a day than it is for six or eight hours a day five times a week.

Today I’d like to explore a different kind of discipline, the kind of discipline that allows us to complete a difficult task or to master a new skill.  Lately I’ve been thinking that by developing interests and practicing one or several disciplines myself as well as encouraging my child to do the same, the need for any other kind of discipline could simply melt away.  Maybe I’m crazy and my daughter just hasn’t hit her “difficult” period yet, but this sure seems to be working for us so far.

By encouraging her to develop her own interests and explore them independently, my relationship with my daughter becomes more about facilitating and supporting her desires, rather than circumventing them or redirecting her.  Oh, trust me, there are plenty of opportunities to redirect her.  But the more I’m able to just go with her flow and allow her to explore what she’s interested in, the more confident she becomes and the more she enjoys learning.

We’re setting up a positive loop.  She seeks out something interesting and explores it, she enjoys what she learns and then she seeks out something new and interesting again.  And we’re also building our connection because she understands that I deeply care about her and want her to explore her interests and fulfill her purpose in life.  So really, she’s developing self-discipline!

That way, in the times when I do need to set a firm boundary for safety or for some other reason, she knows that I’m not just trying to punish her.  I’m actually making choices based on what will give her the most freedom she can safely have.

So what do you think?  Can we reduce the need for “discipline” by supporting our children to develop their interests and practice self-discipline?  I would love to hear your take on my idea.  Please leave me a comment!

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

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I dream of sustainability

Ever since I saw the blog The Zero Waste Home last week (thanks ShalomMama!), I can’t stop thinking about the idea of living a life with less, if not “zero” waste.  I’ve been hyper aware of every single thing I put into the trash.   And I’ve been asking myself, what would I do with that, if I didn’t throw it away?  Bea Johnson, says “Refuse, refuse, refuse, and then reduce, reuse, recycle.”  And I certainly like the idea of simplifying my life and reducing my carbon footprint.  But I’m just not sure how far I’m willing to go to get there.

I mean, I think I can handle using a hanky instead of tissues, but I’m not so sure I’m willing to give up toilet paper.  And, while I enjoy buying bulk, I also really like some foods that are pre-packaged.  Hmmmm

I feel I’ve been working toward a more sustainable lifestyle for a long time now.  I’ve composted for about seven years and I love watching the soil come alive with organisms when it’s given some nutrients.  Last spring we raised chicks at our house, and now we’re getting three or four eggs a day from our four hens.  The chickens are such sweet pets and the eggs are delicious.

This year we’ve harvested quite a few mature apples from the apple tree in the front yard, and there are still several more on the branch.  I fertilized the tree with bat droppings.  I wonder who collected the bat scat and where it was harvested.   Does anyone know if chicken droppings would work as a flower/fruit fertilizer?

I also shop secondhand a bunch.  I use my local kids resale shop, Kids-n-Style like a rental house for toys, clothes, and baby gear.  I walk in with something to trade and walk out with the thing I’m really wanting that is perfect for my daughter’s current stage of development.  It’s really a win/win.  And then there are the environmental benefits of less manufacturing, less transportation and shipping.  Oh, and I bring my re-usable bags with me everywhere, and I use them.  So I think I’ve made some really positive changes that help me to live a more sustainable life.

One of the choices that I’m most proud of is my choice to cloth diaper my daughter.  In fact, I have NEVER used a single disposable diaper for her, even when we traveled across the country.  I’m really happy to know that we haven’t added any diapers to our landfill.

On the other hand, I LOVE hot water.  In fact, conserving water at all is a BIG challenge for me.  And while I’m thinking of putting up a clothesline, I’m not sure if I’m going to like the stiffness of the line-dried clothes.  Does that make me an irresponsible energy hog?

We also have a hot tub and I do NOT want to give it up just to reduce our energy consumption.  I find the hot water absolutely therapeutic.  My husband and I often spend “date nap” in the hot tub.  It was absolutely wonderful to be in the warm water during the first stages of birth…mmmm.

Oh, and I really enjoy having bananas and other tropical fruits on hand, no matter what time of year it is.  I understand that it would be better for the environment if I ate only locally produced food, but we have a very short growing season here in Bend, Oregon and come on, who can resist the bananas at the grocery store?  I surely can’t, at least not yet…

 

So, what if I had a solar powered home and I set up a very tall grow room for my banana tree?  That’s eating locally and producing the energy to grow my own food, but I guess I didn’t really take into account the production of the solar panels.  OK, I’ll admit that’s a pretty outlandish example, but isn’t it strange to be learning to produce less waste and use less energy while typing away on my laptop?  I wash some of my clothes with an old fashioned washboard, but I also stream movies through my big flat screen TV.  By the way, are the photovoltaic production plants running on solar power yet?

As you can see, sustainability is a VAST topic and at our house we’re no where near achieving it, but I think we’re doing pretty well so far and I know we’ll continue to learn, change, grow, and improve, because, well, that’s just what we do!

Have you made any recent changes at your house to improve your impact on the environment?  I would love to hear about it!  Have a super week, Shelly

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Playing with power

Well, it has happened.  My sweet baby is already becoming a willful toddler.  The past week or so has been filled with frustrating moments for her and for anyone near her.  She has begun to whine.  She is clinging to us like she thinks we’ll disappear if we’re out of her sight.  And of course, she’s also starting to walk.

Learning to walk and talk are HUGE developmental milestones for a baby and with the new development comes an equally big emotional response.  Tears and frustration abound as we humans learn new skills and reach new levels of development.  And it’s not just babies who experience the emotional ride of learning new skills.  Children and adults of all ages have the same big feelings.  When we reach a goal, there’s often a big emotional high and an accompanying let down.

So, what do we do with those feelings of sadness and anger that go along with new accomplishments?  We can try to ignore them or shove them aside, but that sure hasn’t been working at our house.  I’d rather embrace the feelings and provide a safe space for my daughter to fully express all that she’s going through.

Amazingly, just last week, my little one learned how to roar like a lion and wow, it’s a really ferocious roar!  So my mom and I began to play a game with her where we pretend to be frightened by her roar.  She LOVES it!  It’s really one of the first times I’ve seen her expressing and enjoying her power, she completely lights up.  She roars again and again while we cower in mock fear.  “Oh no!  Don’t eat me!  I’m so scared,” can be heard often at our house these days.  Here’s a short video of the game:

Then last night it was bedtime.  And you guessed it, she didn’t want to go to bed.  I could tell she was getting agitated and she started to test my husband by hitting him.  She knows that hitting people isn’t allowed, but she wasn’t sure how else to express the anger and frustration bubbling up inside her.

So I redirected her hitting to the stuffed animals on her bed.  Before we knew it, my husband, daughter, and I were all throwing and hitting and jumping on the stuffed animals yelling, “Take that!” and “Aaarrgghh!”  We all had a blast and each of us got an opportunity to express any unexpressed anger or frustration.  I can’t even tell you how satisfying it was to slam that pink elephant into the wall.  It was truly liberating.  The best part was that after the anger release, she was tired and ready to wind down to sleep.

So the next time anyone at your house is whining or getting agitated, try playing a power game.  Sometimes, just having an appropriate outlet for anger, frustration, or powerlessness is all a child really needs.  And when offered a healthy way to release those feelings, kids can easily return to their usual kind and cooperative selves.

Wish me luck with the rest of toddler-hood, I have a feeling I’m going to need it!

Have a great week, Shelly

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