Parenting tips – Page 8

July 10, 2009March 2, 2012

Five keys to Conscious Parenting

The word “conscious” is bandied about quite a bit these days.

As a culture, it seems many of us are reaching toward greater awareness, trying to “wake up” and, if not transform, at least be aware of where we are in relation to where we want to be.

I Googled “conscious parenting” just for the fun of it, and aside from the giddiness of finding our site second on the list (thanks, Colin!), I was interested to see so many people using the phrase.

I thought of how so many of my friends are, or have been in therapy. The main issues I hear people dealing with are their pasts, especially their relationships with their parents, and how those past events impact the present: People say things to me like, “My dad never really listened to me;” or “My mom imposed her will on me so much, I never learned who I was;” “No one ever asked me how I was doing;” “My parents divorced, and I never found out what really happened;” “One of my parents drank, the other tried to cover it up;” Or in extreme cases, “I was hit/neglected/abandoned/sexually abused.”

Whether mild or extreme, we probably all know someone who had things happen to them in the past that they don’t want to repeat in the present. One of my favorite quotes is from Pam Leo, who said, “Let’s raise children who won’t have to recover from their childhood[s].” But aside from managing not to repeat some our parents’ biggest mistakes, how do we know we’re getting where we want to go?

Here are what I see as some of the keys of Conscious Parenting, things we can keep in mind when we wonder if we’re on the right track:

1. A sense of overall forward motion. I may not be better at this today than yesterday, but six months from now, you’ll see a general upward trend in the graph of my parenting skill. Sometimes I might need to step back from the moment to see this.

2. The occasional pause to reflect. Rather than just keep moving, I actually stop and reflect, with compassion, on what’s happening.

3. An open mind and heart. I may have said or done thirty-seven things today I wish would have been different, and, I will listen to how this has affected others, and acknowledge those messages. I am human; I am doing my best; I am open to hearing how I have impacted those around me.

4. Doing what we can, ceasing to stress about what’s beyond our control. This insight is at the heart of much stress management thinking, and is also the message of the serenity prayer that is the credo of Alcoholics Anonymous. If we focus on what’s possible, and let go of what’s out of our reach, suddenly everything seems more manageable, more peaceful and less stressful. Try it!

5. Appreciate ourselves, our children, and everyone who contributed in any way to making us who we are. I appreciate myself as a parent, recognize no one can do this job perfectly, and choose to hold myself in a positive light, just as I strive to do with my children. Gratitude, when we remember and choose to feel it, has a way of putting everything else into a more calm and manageable perspective.

Full disclosure: This post may really be a message to myself. Four days ago, my son’s dad moved out. Because I had so much time to prepare, and because we lived together for a year and half after we ended our marriage, the transition has been just about as smooth as it can be. I feel surprisingly light. The family I made didn’t turn out as I planned, and I still feel some sadness about that. I also feel grateful for how we’re arranging ourselves in the aftermath. Yes, there were many things I couldn’t control.

But I am no longer “going through a divorce.” I am on the other side. I am embracing a new phase. And so is Cainan—he’s beside himself with joy that his new brother is finally in the same city. Like so many children (consciously or not) he wants to bring everyone together—and he does! When I stay focused on appreciating everyone, including myself, in this new phase, life looks pretty darn bright. It took a lot to get here, and I embrace that, too. Today, anyway.

How about you, what helps stay conscious about being the kind of parent you want to be?

Please share your thoughts below.

Warmly,

Jill

June 24, 2009March 2, 2012

The power of your attention

Working in a Montessori Preschool classroom wasn’t easy, but I love kids and I found a way to enjoy myself in the midst of 25 3-5 year olds. One of the most useful tools I had was the power of my attention. I noticed everything–and the kids respected me for it. And, I didn’t just offer up copious praise at the drop of a hat either. When I gave appreciation for something, the kids knew I really meant it.

I required levels of cooperation, consideration, and polite manners in the classroom out of necessity. If I let things go too far in a certain direction, I could have a room full of upset kids and no way to console them all. I was there to help the kids maintain order, and have a constructive day of fun and learning.

As a teacher, a lot of my job was to be a leader, an example, and a director for the kids in my charge. Directing can seem forced or authoritarian, if you feel anxious about it, but I’ve found that when I’m calm, centered, and clear about my direction, children often seem relieved and excited to contribute in the ways I’ve suggested. Structure can actually provide freedom, knowing someone else is providing direction and containment.

When it’s time to clean up I feel open and unconcerned as I let the kids know that there are several things that I’d like to see happen in the next hour: First, I’d like all the tables to be scrubbed, then I’d like the floor to be swept, and finally I’d like every child to look around the room for three things that are out of place and replace them to their “homes.” I ask for volunteers, get them easily and the children quietly go to work. Now I observe the children, and without interrupting their fun, insert helpful comments or warnings about possible spills or dangers. But I trust them to complete the tasks easily and independently.

Now, suppose a child is resisting, and I REALLY want this specific child to help. My most successful strategy is to clearly explain what I’d like to have happen, make a clear request and then put my attention on something else–that way the child doesn’t feel pressured, but is able to go about starting the task, without being stared down (sometimes your attention can be overwhelming for kids!).

Maybe she’s not quite ready to start the work, she’s still feeling resistant. So in five minutes I might go up to her and say quietly, “Hey, I just want to remind you about the sweeping- I’d really like that to happen before story time, do you think you’ll be able to get to it? Is there any help or support you need to accomplish the task?” By offering our help, sometimes we can get to the heart of the resistance. I’ve heard, “I can’t do it!” a LOT of times, which to me sounds like, “I need some help and reassurance!” So, remember to be patient and tune in to the underlying reasons why Julie might not want to clean up her mess.

The most visceral experience I’ve had of the power of my attention was one day at circle time. I was sitting at the front of the room and waiting patiently for the children to sit down and quietly fold their hands in their laps for circle. As I looked around the room I saw a few children who weren’t sitting and were instead bothering their neighbors, talking loudly, and moving around the room. I felt flustered, frustrated, and out of control and I began to ask them each to sit down.
“Frank, please sit down, I really want to read the story!”
“George, can you please stop bothering Nate?”
“Lucy, please put down the pencil.”
But the more I focused on the kids who were contributing to chaos, the more chaos ensued. Pretty soon half the kids in the class were running around the room talking loudly.

And then I had an “Aha!” moment. I realized that I had been focusing on what I didn’t want! I looked at the children again, but this time I only paid attention to the kids who were sitting quietly and ready for circle time. I offered my heartfelt appreciation to them.

“Jose! Thank you SO much for sitting so nicely on the line! I really like the way your legs are folded and your hands are placed in your lap. Thank you for showing me that you’re ready for the story.” And, “Sophia, it looks like you’re ready for story time too, I’m especially appreciating how careful you’re being to keep your hands to yourself, thank you!” As soon as I shifted my attention to what I wanted, the energy of the room changed. And within a minute I had all 25 kids sitting quietly on the line, ready for circle time.

I’ve never forgotten the lesson those kids taught me. When I pay attention to what I’m enjoying, I get more of it! But the reverse is true too–when I pay attention to what frustrates and annoys me, I get more of that.

So, this week, I invite you to focus on the positive, pay attention to what you appreciate and let the other stuff slide by–if only for one week. But most of all ENJOY yourself!

I’d love to hear about your experiences of the power of your attention, please leave your comments in the box below.

June 10, 2009March 2, 2012

Parenting outside the box: A happy divorce!?

Shelly and I spend a lot of time talking about how to do this and how to do that. We get feedback that this is helpful.

But lately, I’m getting curious about all the ways I and other parents do things completely off script, out of bounds and with little or no precedent. Outside the box, if you will.

I realize that when enough people do things “differently,” we create new norms and new trends—hence, the phrase “conscious parenting:” let’s choose what we want to create instead of just rehashing what our parents did just because it’s all we know. (We might still choose to do all or most things the same way, but choosing is different than repeating on auto-pilot!)

So, when my partner and I decided to separate, we did things very differently than most other folks I’ve met. In some ways, this came naturally, since we had a marriage that was pretty different, at least in some ways, from most. But that’s another story.
Continue reading “Parenting outside the box: A happy divorce!?”

June 3, 2009March 2, 2012

Sharing Gratitude: Acknowledging each family members’ contributions

It’s amazing what a little appreciation, acknowledgment and gratitude can do. You can go from feeling hum-drum or bummed to feeling completely ecstatic in a few short moments if you only take the time to practice gratitude. Gratitude is like this magic potion that reminds us of all we have to appreciate in life–and there is a LOT to appreciate.

I have some friends who share gratitude with one another every time they sit down to share a meal together. Others use gratitude as a way to connect at the beginning of their monthly family meeting. I even know some parents and kids who say what they’re grateful for each night before bed.

I’ve found that when I feel appreciated and acknowledged, I am more willing to contribute, I feel more engaged in my relationships, and I’m just generally happier. So, do kids feel any different? I don’t think so. I think we all respond well to being appreciated and acknowledged. But it depends on how. For instance, compliments like, “You have pretty hair.” usually don’t impact me in the same way that true acknowledgment does.

Here’s the difference: A compliment is really just a positive judgment which might feel good at the time, but then it also leaves room for negative judgments which we can feel afraid of. An acknowledgment is different. Continue reading “Sharing Gratitude: Acknowledging each family members’ contributions”

May 28, 2009March 2, 2012

Four ways to keep old friendships alive after kids

This post is part of our Whole Life Parenting series.

I was talking with a friend the other day, who marveled at how her whole friendship landscape had changed after having kids. She said, “I have three kinds of friends now: Those who no longer call me, those who treat me exactly the same as before I had kids, and those who now have kids of their own, so they get it.”

Sure, we might find the rare childless friend who actually gets how much support parents need and how little we get, who says, Hey, I was just going to read a good book tonight, why don’t I come over and babysit so you can have a night out? Or, the kid-at-heart who calls and spontaneously suggests you and your family hop on out for a jaunt to the zoo or seaquarium.

But mostly, after we become parents, our old friends keep going on about their business, and we either follow along, or drop out of their consciousness.

How do we keep those friendships alive, and nurture the parts of us old friends remember and reflect back to us? No matter how much we love our families, no one will ever elicit quite the giggles and nostalgia that a friend from ten, fifteen or twenty years ago will.

Here’re some ways to keep breathing life into those precious relationships:

1) Tell your childless friends about the reality of your life. Suggest things to do that you love in ways that now make sense for you.

“I would love to go on that four-day, seven hundred dollar spa retreat two states away, but I can’t afford the money or the time away from my family. How about a pedicure Sunday morning?” Some of my friends have responded by turning their own events into child-friendly ones and inviting other families with children. This makes it so much easier!

Continue reading “Four ways to keep old friendships alive after kids”