Photo by Suzette Hibble
Teaching your child to delay gratification can help him in all sorts of ways. He will learn self-control and willpower. He will also reduce his impulsivity and increase in academic performance. But delaying gratification does not come easily and often won’t develop naturally, unless parents and caregivers help children learn this important skill.
Luckily, you can start to teach these skills at any age with simple games that don’t take much time. Start by offering your child a toy you know she wants but at the last second pull it back saying, “Ut oh, wait just a moment. Wait…wait…great job waiting!” and then hand your child the toy. At first just ask your infant or toddler to wait a few seconds. Then as your child becomes better and better at waiting for the object of her desire, begin to lengthen the time required.
This works best if you’re both in a good mood and you’re playful in your removal of the object. Children always learn best when they’re enjoying life. But if your child reacts negatively to your attempts to play a waiting game, just ignore any outburst, give the toy back after the allotted time and try again later.
It won’t do much good to tell your child when they didn’t wait well, but when they do, be sure to give him some positive feedback using effort and/or behavior based praise. “Great waiting!” “Good job!” And “Wow, I could see how much you wanted that, but you waited anyway! Nice!” are all great ways to reinforce delay of gratification.
Do your best to stay away from character based praise though. “Good boy!” or “You’re so smart!” can actually make some kids more self-conscious and fearful, rather than helping them feel good about their accomplishments. For more information on effort based praise see my earlier article “The dangers of praise.”
Impulsivity is a defining characteristic of young children, so don’t expect too much too fast. But if you play waiting games a few times a day, every day, you can expect your child’s capacity for waiting to grow over time. And that’s good news, because in the short term, you’ll have a more patient and considerate child.
And in the long term, delay of gratification has been linked to better studying behaviors and might even be linked to reduced drug use in teens and young adults. If you caught my blog about a conscious relationship to money, you know that delay of gratification is also a great asset in terms of financial planning, saving, and living within your means.
Right now I’m wishing that I had learned much earlier to delay gratification, but we all have to start somewhere, and I’m a firm believer that it’s never too late to learn a new skill. So, as I teach my daughter to wait, I’ll also be practicing delaying my own gratification and we’ll both enjoy the benefits of increased willpower and reduced impulsivity.
What have your experiences with impulsivity and self-control been? I would love to know what you think about this topic. Please leave me a comment!
Have a wonderful week, Shelly
Today I want to share something I learned from NLP (otherwise known as neuro-linguistic programming) called a “state change”. We’re always in some sort of emotional state, whether happy, sad, excited, or frustrated. And often it feels like we’re at the whim of our emotions. When I’m frustrated it seems like there is no way to transform the frustration into something else. But there is! We can consciously create a “state change” in ourselves and often in others, pretty much any time we want!
This week I watched a fascinating video about baby led breastfeeding. It showed newborn, days old, and months old infants maneuvering themselves into a good nursing position with very little help from their mothers. Babies were deliberate in their movements bobbing and clearly searching for the nipple. And, when they found it on their own, many mothers reported that the latch was more comfortable than it had been when they had tried to help their babies find the nipple. What an incredible innate ability babies have!