Tag: Practical suggestions

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My Screen-Free Airplane Adventure (with my 21 month old Daughter)

I took my very first solo airplane ride with my daughter last week and at first I was not sure how it would go. As I began to pack, I realized that I was really nervous about being stuck on an airplane alone with a toddler and for a couple of days I considered nixing my previous commitment to screen free living for my little one. I thought it might be easier to manage the trip if I brought along my husband’s iPad and chocked it full of children’s books and fun drawing apps.

But after some consideration, I decided that I just didn’t feel good about introducing my daughter to the iPad because I was scared she wouldn’t be able to entertain herself on the airplane. Instead, I came up with a solid plan to entertain and engage her with books, rhymes, toys, finger puppets, a small doll, crayons, and stickers. And it worked!

The photo at the top is only part of my airplane kit, but as you can see it contains some small animals (my daughter LOVES her toy animals), some finger puppets (yes I did use funny voices), a pad of paper, and some stickers all in a beautiful box. I took her interests into consideration when I created the kit. So if you were to do something similar, you might include toy cars, tractors, or dinosaurs. Or you’d add books about insects, birds, a small music box or whatever else interests your child. I included a list of our favorite rhymes, songs, and the story books that I have memorized due to sheer repetition. That list definitely came in handy.

We also packed a very first chapter book, “Charlotte’s Web” because I thought J was ready to listen and talk about the characters. And I had a book of Shel Silverstein’s poetry, a current favorite bedtime book. I took a couple of board books with lots of animal photographs and vocabulary to learn as well.

Essentially, I figured out what would engage us BOTH in long hours of conversation and exploration and I packed it all into our carry-on. The highlight of the trip for me was when I set her up with her toy animals and a couple of board books, strapped her into the unoccupied seat next to me, and then sat back and actually took a nap! She entertained herself for about thirty minutes, always keeping one hand on my arm to check in, and then she fell asleep too. I was shocked.

We used different items and various strategies to ensure that the entire trip was enjoyable. And if you’re thinking that this only works on a short flight, let me tell you, we missed our first connection due to weather conditions and ended up on a five airport, 20 hour long, overnight airplane adventure. She didn’t shed a tear the entire time.

I certainly can’t take all the credit for our success. I will be the first to admit that my daughter is exceptionally amiable and easy going, but I do think that we avoided a lot of potential upset when we came utterly prepared to entertain ourselves for hours and hours. Oh, and I also brought a BUNCH of yummy snacks.

So if you’re dreading air travel with a little one, let me reassure you, you CAN have a nice easy flight (or four) by engaging your child in his interests and providing opportunities for exploration and play.  One more highlight: on the flight home she was playing with her tiny baby doll while I was gazing out the window and I heard her pretending that her doll was at the park going down the slide and riding on the swings. I love her imagination!

Have you had a successful flight with a young person? What were the keys to your easy and fun air travel? Please share your story with us in the comments below.

And have a lovely week, Shelly

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Three Keys to Transforming Whining

Photo by Suzette Hibble www.thebayareaphotographer.com

Oh boy, my daughter was sick with a week-long stomach flu, and as a result, whining has emerged. Here we go on the whining toddler ride! I find whining to be one of the most annoying and challenging things young children do to express their needs. Tantrums are easier for me than whining. That’s probably because I’ve done so much whining myself! In fact, if I’m really honest, I STILL whine when I’m exceptionally tired, sick, or otherwise infirmed.

Despite my own whining, I do know how to help a child stop whining! There are three keys to transforming whining. The first is changing the way we perceive the whiner. When we have thoughts like, “She is just doing this to manipulate me,” or “He ALWAYS does this in front of my friends, he must be trying to embarrass me,” we behave toward our children as if our thoughts are true.

The trick is to transform our thoughts to create a situation in which we have space and empathy for the smaller people in our lives, rather than resentment toward them. When we blame children for our own uncomfortable feelings, no one wins. However, when we can learn to identify the internal root causes of our own feelings, we no longer need to pin the blame on a whining child. Instead we can realize, “I’m feeling exhausted right now and THAT is why I’m so annoyed. My child is only trying to meet her needs and she’s doing her best to communicate with me.”

The second key is to offer your child some heartfelt empathy. Empathy is like your parenting super-power! You’ll be shocked at how a little bit of true empathy can completely change the situation and the behavior and affect of your child.

Sometimes all it takes is a simple statement like, “Huh, it seems like you’re feeling sad right now, is that true?” At other times it might just be eye contact and a hug. And at still other times you might speak for your child about his emotions, “You’re feeling really mad about that! Grrrr! That is NOT okay with you, is it?” It can even be something as simple as joining your child in her tirade of “No, no, no, no, no, no!” The real key here is to FEEL empathy for your child. If you’re just using empathy as a way to get a child to stop whining, they will sense that and it won’t work.

The third key is to model the tone of voice and wording that we’d most like to hear from our kids. “Wow sweetie, I can tell you’re really upset and frustrated right now, but when you talk in a whiney voice, it bothers me and then I don’t want to help you. So let’s figure out a way you can ask that I WILL want to help. How about, ‘Mommy, may I please have a snack?’ and then I’ll say, ‘Sure!’ Want to try it right now?”

By sharing my own feelings and working with her to help her successfully argue her point, she knows that I’m on her side and I really do want to help. And, by inviting her to try a new strategy right then, I’m offering her an opportunity to be successful. However, watch out for a desire to push a child to share or try something they’re not interested in. If my daughter says no, I simply speak both sides of the conversation for her and then give her the snack she was whining for. It isn’t important to me that she actually repeat what I’ve said…yet. When she’s closer to five years old, I will definitely require that she ask in a more palatable tone of voice. But for now (she’s not even two years old yet) I’m just laying the foundation and showing her what works for me.

Depending on how you’ve communicated with your child about whining in the past, you may have some clean-up to do or some repetition to make your way through before your child will be willing to try “the new way.”

I use modeling for all sorts of things with my daughter, but as a preschool teacher I found it so effective at transforming whining that it’s my #1 favorite strategy for turning a whine into a respectful request.

How do you deal with whining at your house? I would love to add your strategies to my arsenal! Please share a story or strategy in the comments below. Thanks!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

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Sometimes what kids need most from us is nothing at all

I think one of the most challenging lessons I’ve learned as a teacher and as a parent is when NOT to intervene. It is actually excruciating for me to hear a child struggling and not rush over to help. But sometimes doing nothing is actually the best thing we can do for a child. When we sit back, shut up, and allow our children to experience their struggle fully, they also get to experience the joy of conquest and the knowledge that they can rely on themselves to work through a challenge.

If you know me at all, you know that I’m not suggesting we allow our children to experience constant struggle. Emotional upset is counterproductive to learning overall. However, there are moments when we all rush in too quickly, offer too much coaching, or otherwise deflate the attempts our children are making to learn something new.

It’s human nature to want to help a younger, smaller, struggling human. But what message are we sending when we constantly intervene on behalf of our children?

Rushing out the door, we put the coat on our child because it’s faster than waiting for him to do it himself. We feed our toddlers by spoon because “she eats more this way.” We help an older with his homework so that we can all enjoy pizza and a movie together.

And the underlying message our kids are receiving is, “You aren’t able to do it yourself. You need my (older and more capable) help. And struggling is not OK.” And then we wonder why our kids eventually stop trying to excel and just do the bare minimum that’s required of them.

I think that the message that children are incapable is being ingrained in them from infancy. On the contrary, the infant’s brain is arguably the most intelligent thing on Earth. Even tiny infants are capable of incredible feats of deduction, learning and memory. They just have a hard time moving their bodies and communicating verbally.

But as soon as we see them as the intelligent and capable beings they truly are, it’s actually quite amazing how much they really CAN communicate. And, by the time they are walking and talking, children are capable of all sorts of interesting and helpful tasks when given the opportunity to learn and perform those tasks.

OK, so let’s say we’re all on the same page here and we agree that even very young children are incredibly intelligent and capable. Now what? Now, it’s our job to bring more awareness to whether, when, and how we step in to support their learning. Offering our unsolicited fear as in, “Wait! Stop! Don’t do that! You might fall/spill/trip” is NOT helpful. Neither is too much verbal information ABOUT the given task. Instead, what children need is a safe place to EXPERIENCE and EXPERIMENT with the things they’re inspired to learn about.

Here’s a video of my daughter playing with her new farm toy. As you’ll see, she gets frustrated, but I don’t say or do anything. In fact, when I see her turn her head toward me (later in the video) I avert my eyes so as not to disrupt her play with eye contact.

Here are my top five rules for how to support my daughter in her quest for autonomy:

1)     If she’s frustrated, take a breath, relax my body and if the frustration continues remind her to ask for help when she needs it. “I’m available to help you if you need me.” There’s a “but I trust you can do it on your own” attitude inherent in my tone of voice.

2)    Bite my tongue when I have advice, suggestions, or negative feedback about how she’s doing a new task. Remain neutral if there’s something that MUST be communicated. For instance “I see some water spilled here,” with a flat tone of voice.

3)    Offer LOTS of opportunities for new activities. Notice which ones she gravitates toward and consider other similar activities. When she’s engaged in an activity, DON’T INTERRUPT with words, actions, or eye contact.

4)   Remember that all messes can eventually be cleaned up. Don’t cry (or yell or roll my eyes) over spilled milk (or paint, or mud, or broken eggs)

5)    Invite her to do it. Show her how to do it. And invite her to do it again.

I’m so curious how you handle this at your house. Do you feel you intervene too much or too little? And what are your rules to support your child’s exploration and learning?

I hope you’re having a fantastic week. Warm hugs, Shelly

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What To Do When Toddlers Throw

Toddlers love to throw things, and why not? Throwing is fun and in our evolutionary past it was a crucial skill for young hunters to develop. Unfortunately for us, this urge to throw often comes out at the worst possible times and with the most breakable or dangerous items around. It also often happens when a child is frustrated, so it can be difficult to know how to respond. So what can you do if you have a toddler or young child who loves to throw things?

Redirection is the key to avoiding injuries to you and your child during the development and practice of throwing. Here’s what I say when Julia throws something inappropriate. “Ut oh, books (hard plastic toys or animals, forks, dishes, etc.) are NOT for throwing. If you’d like to throw something, let’s go get a ball or a beanbag!” to which she will often respond by happily running over to her basket full of balls, choose one, and throw it.

Granted, she is only 19 months old and isn’t very good at throwing yet. And, we don’t have a “no throwing balls in the house” rule…yet. But what about your three or four year old boy who is REALLY good at throwing and you DO have a “no balls in the house” rule. Then I’d find some indoor throwing activity to redirect toward. You might invite him to throw his stuffed animals against the wall in his bedroom or offer him some beanbags and a box or basket to throw them into.

One of the reasons this redirection works for me is because I am completely supportive of a child’s desire to throw something. In fact, I think that throwing things is a beautifully healthy way to release frustration or anger, as long as the activity is safe for everyone and everything involved. Have you ever angrily thrown rocks into a lake? Then you know what I mean. It’s a movement that feels REALLY good.

So if you’d like to use this strategy, first examine your thoughts or beliefs about throwing. Is it actually OK with you? If your first thought is “no” then I invite you to get creative and come up with a situation in which throwing is actually OK with you. Perhaps it’s throwing crumpled paper into the trash or recycling can. Or maybe it’s throwing paper airplanes. It could be OK to throw lightweight puff-balls at a target on the wall. Or maybe it’s OK to go outside and throw a tennis ball. When you’ve discovered at least one throwing activity that works for you, that will be your initial redirect the next time your child attempts to throw something that isn’t OK to throw.

But do beware, having just one possibility for throwing is likely to create resistance in your child. It might work the first few times, but then your child will get bored and frustrated, feeling boxed in to only one way to express her frustration. Instead, I’d recommend coming up with two or three ways for your kids to express their frustration through throwing and then offer them choices when they are about to engage in a throwing activity that is not allowed.

I would love to hear some other ideas and strategies for how you’ve handled inappropriate throwing with your kids. Please share a story or comment below!

And have a wonderful week! Warm hugs, Shelly

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Encouraging an Expanding Vocabulary

(This post is dedicated to my dad, Bernard B. Birger for always using big words with me and describing complex concepts in great detail, even when I was only three years old.)

Wow, Julia is absorbing language like a sponge on steroids. The other day I casually mentioned to my husband that a friend of ours is “a bit of a boozer” and we both had to avoid eye contact and stifle our laughter when our eighteen month old daughter repeated the word “boozer” about six times in a row. Oy, I really do have to watch what I say around her!

She is definitely in a sensitive period for language acquisition and it’s not going to stop any time soon. In fact, the sensitive period for language begins before birth and lasts until at least seven years old. So, what can we do to encourage our children to expand their vocabulary in ways that will actually serve them? (Because I’m guessing that knowing the word ‘boozer’ isn’t really critical to her healthy development)

There are LOTS of ways to encourage a large, expanding vocabulary, so here are my top five favorite ways to support a child’s language development. An added benefit is that many of these things also prepare young children for reading! So here they are:

1.     Never underestimate your child’s ability to absorb language. Children will learn the words they are exposed to, whether they’re single syllable words or three and four syllable words. So why not use big words? One of Julia’s favorites right now is “massive.” We often talk about the “massive tree” at the dog park or the “massive whale” in one of her storybooks.

 2.    Read, read, and read some more. Reading books is one of the best ways you can support an expanding vocabulary. But remember number one, above. Even very young children can benefit from being read materials above their ability to fully grasp. Of course, if you lose their interest, then go back to books you know your children enjoy. And if they seem to have little or no interest in books, just look at the pictures together, point out the things you see and ask them questions about the pictures they’re looking at. For example: “Can you find the apple?,” “What animal is that?” “What do you think that silly chicken is doing now?”

 3.    Offer synonyms. Children learn language through exposure and context, so by offering synonyms, you’re helping your child to learn many words with the same meaning. So the tree at the dog park isn’t just massive, it’s huge, enormous, gigantic, and colossal too! But don’t be surprised when your two year old reminds you that evergreen trees are ‘coniferous’ and they don’t lose their leaves (or needles) in autumn.

 4.   Rhyme, Sing and Alliterate. Young people (and adults) love to sing, rhyme, and alliterate, probably because they’re such effective learning and problem solving tools. One of the great things about this one is that you can play these kinds of games absolutely anywhere! We especially like to sing and rhyme in the car. It keeps us occupied while we’re stuck in traffic, and it’s just plain fun! (OK, the truth is, we’re never stuck in traffic because we live in Bend, OR, but maybe YOU get stuck in traffic sometimes, so try singing, rhyming, and alliterating the next time you’re stuck in the car) Oh and one more thing, coming up with words that begin with the same letter or rhymes with the same number of syllables as a previous stanza are also good memory games for adults. Let’s keep those neurons firing, people!

 5.    Offer definitions. As children begin to get a solid grasp of language they start to get curious about some of the nuances therein. For instance, a friend of mine recently told me that her two and a half year old son asked her “What means ‘life,’ Mama?” Defining words can be a challenge because we probably have not even considered the definitions of many of the words we use every day. But I think it’s worthwhile to give it a try and if you really can’t come up with anything, then do what my mom always told me to do, go look it up!

I’m sure you’re already doing many of these things with your kids, but I thought that by listing them, I might remind you to do them more frequently and more intentionally. Our time with our young children is going by so quickly that before we know it they’ll be applying to college (it really feels that way, doesn’t it?!) So this week, pay special attention to supporting your child to build a stellar vocabulary that will serve them well for the rest of their lives.

And have a super, fantastic, wonderful, lovely, superb, and joyful week.

Love, Shelly

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